Bill The Minder Part 1

Bill the Minder.

by W. Heath Robinson.

Old Crispin, the mushroom gatherer, and his good wife Chloe had ten children, and nine of them were bad-tempered. There was Chad, the youngest and most bad-tempered of the lot, Hannibal and Quentin the twins, Randall with the red head, Noah, Ratchett the short-sighted, Nero the worrit, weeping Biddulph and Knut. The only good-tempered child was a little girl named Boadicea.

It is well known that a boy usually takes after his father, and a girl after her mother, and these children were no exception to the rule, for the boys all resembled old Crispin, whose temper had been rather tried, poor man, by the early hours at which he had to rise, in order to gather the mushrooms when they were quite new and young. On the other hand, Boadicea could only have inherited her good-temper from Chloe, who without doubt was the most good-tempered dame alive.

Now it is quite true that any one who cares to rise early enough in the morning may gather mushrooms, and plenty of them, too, but those who do so only now and again, and merely for amus.e.m.e.nt, little know the hard life of the professional gatherer, or the skill and judgment he has to cultivate in order to carry on his work with any success.

In the course of time Crispin became so well skilled that he could not only tell a mushroom from a toadstool at the distance of two hundred yards, but his hearing became so acute that he could even hear them growing, and learnt to distinguish the sound of each as it broke through the earth. Indeed, he had no need for any alarm to wake him from his heavy slumbers and call him to his work in the fields. However cautiously a mushroom made its appearance, at its first rumble, old Crispin would jump from his hard bed, hastily dress himself, and, often without tasting a morsel of breakfast, be out of the house and on to the field in time to see the newcomer pop its head through the earth. This he would pick, and then he would hop about with his head on one side listening for others like some old starling listening for worms, at the same time mewing like a cat to frighten away the birds that prey on the mushrooms. He was then able to fill his basket with the very freshest crop and take them round to people's houses in time for breakfast.

With such anxious work it will be readily understood that few mushroom gatherers can remain in the best of health for many years, and it so happened that in time the anxieties connected with the gathering of mushrooms began to affect old Crispin, so that he fell ill and completely lost his appet.i.te. Chloe called in the doctor, but the latter at first could do nothing for him. He painted Crispin's chest and then his back with iodine; he rubbed him well with the roots of sarsaparilla; he made him sleep first on his right side, then on his left, and finally covered him in brown paper plasters and dock-leaf poultices and sent him to the sea-side with strict injunctions to take to sea-bathing, running, and aeroplaning, but it was all of no avail.

With the a.s.sistance of Boadicea, Chloe now tried to tempt her husband with every known and unknown dish, and when these failed, like a good wife, she invented others. She made trifles of vegetable marrow, tartlets of hen feathers to soothe the nerves, salads of spinach and carraway comfits, delicacies composed of porridge and mint, and the most luscious stews of pine-cones and lard. She then tried him with even lighter dishes, but it was no good. He became thinner and thinner every day, and his temper was growing shorter and shorter, when at last, to her great joy, she succeeded in making a jelly that really seemed to take his fancy.

At first there was little or no sign of improvement, yet he ate a very small portion of the jelly every day, and with this the anxious wife and daughter had to be contented for some time. He had remained in this state for weeks when Chloe resolved slightly to increase his portion.

Finding that this did not disagree with him, but that, instead, he became a little stouter and a little better every day, she continued gradually giving him more and more.

At last she discovered that the more Crispin ate of this jelly, the greater his appet.i.te became. In fact, if the truth be told, the old gentleman became in time not only quite well and very stout but also somewhat greedy. At all events, Chloe found that instead of being able to devote more time to her children, after restoring her husband's appet.i.te, she had to give up more and more time to cooking. Crispin now spent the whole day in eating, and things went from bad to very bad, and from very bad to worse. Boadicea a.s.sisted her mother to the utmost, yet Chloe, worked almost to death, was at length compelled to look out for a minder, in order that her children might not be entirely neglected.

Many minders from all parts applied for employment, and, as a test of their skill, she set them the task of cheering the unfortunate Chad, who was cutting all his double teeth at the same time. Some tried to cheer him by singing to him, some by dancing to him; one even hoped to gladden the boy by jumping over him backwards and with a pleasant smile dropping on the gra.s.s in front of him. Again, some thought to distract him by running swiftly with him several times round the well, which only made him very ill. Another energetic young minder stood on his head in front of the child for at least ten minutes, which, instead of cheering the lad, nearly frightened him to death. One minder, more experienced than the rest, tried to make him forget his ache by giving him other aches to think of with the aid of a slipper, which he maintained he had succeeded in doing. However, he was not elected, for, try as they would, no one could discover for which ache the child was crying.

Many methods were tried, but none with even the smallest success; in fact, the compet.i.tion greatly increased the child's discomfort. His howls became terrific, and so heartrending that, as a last resource, Chloe sent for her nephew Bill, who cleaned the boots. Now no one had suspected Bill of having the makings of a good minder in him, but it happened that he knew Chad's little ways, and so, to everybody's surprise and relief, he easily succeeded in keeping him quiet until all the double teeth had been cut. Thereupon he was at once elected Minder to the family.

[Ill.u.s.tration: HIS HOWLS BECAME TERRIFIC]

Bill soon proved that he was no ordinary minder. Having once started on his new work, he took his profession very seriously. He read all the books that had ever been written upon the subject, which were to be found in the library of the British Museum. He talked about it with the most knowing professors of the subject, and he was as well known in the Minding Room of the Patent Museum at South Kensington as in his father's house. And it is even said that he once contrived to be shut in all night by hiding behind a case of red coral rattles when the policeman came round at dusk to shut and lock the doors.

Moreover, as you can see for yourselves in the pictures, he was always inventing new ways of minding his charges. So expert did he become in time that he was never at a loss with the most fractious, and easily surpa.s.sing all rivals, he became the most perfect minder of the district.

Bill's fame spread to the most distant towns, and worrited mothers for miles around flocked to him with their children. He was most successful in distracting the vaccinated, and under his care young tooth-cutters soon forgot their troubles. Even the pangs of indigestion were allayed and the fretfulness of the sleepless lulled to rest by the charm of his ways. Short tempers were lengthened, and terrified midnight wakers were taught to realise how ridiculous were their fears. Screechers ceased to screech, and grizzlers to grizzle, while weepers and howlers reformed their habits and learnt to chuckle throughout the day.

If any one could mind, Bill could!

But life was not all condensed milk and honey to Bill. Like all good minders and men, he had the bad fortune to arouse the jealousy of rivals. The unvarying success which met his clever treatment of the most difficult cases, instead of arousing the admiration of his brother minders, as one would have expected, and making them eager to imitate him, only had the effect of making them very cross and jealous. Some, indeed, became so wild that they had to be minded themselves, while others neglected their charges and wandered about the country in a dreadful state of grumpiness, biting their nails to the quick, and tearing their hair or anything else they could get hold of.

The time now arrived for the great annual Minding Tournament, held by the Duke to celebrate his birthday, to which every one had been looking forward all through the year. Few people have ever been so delighted over being born as was the Duke, and this was how he most liked to show his joy and thankfulness. The prizes and cups were usually subscribed for by the mothers and fathers, but this year was a very special occasion, for the Duke, having arrived at the age of sixty, had decided to present a gold-mounted feeding-bottle to be competed for during the tournament.

Everybody was there; the Duke and his d.u.c.h.ess with a handsome bouquet of marigolds and groundsel, presented by the wives of the policemen; the d.u.c.h.ess's cousin, the chatty old Viscount, and his sweet young wife; the stout old Marquis who (as every lady knows) is also admiral of the Regent's Ca.n.a.l, and his six old-maid daughters, who all arrived in bath chairs. The general was there, as a matter of course, with all his medals beautifully polished, and his pockets full of Pontefract cakes and peardrops to throw to the children. At least twelve bishops were present, besides the vicar and his eight kind curates, who made themselves extremely pleasant to every one.

All the mothers and fathers of the neighbourhood were present, and minders were continually arriving to compete for the prizes. There were at least one hundred policemen to keep order, and the music was provided by the band of the militia, lent for this occasion by the kind-hearted general. Each member of the band performed on a separate harmonium borrowed from the vicar. Refreshments also could be had by every one who could prove that he or she was hungry.

[Ill.u.s.tration: ALWAYS INVENTING NEW WAYS OF MINDING]

The first event was the egg-and-spoon race, which was decided in the following way. A well-pinched baby and a gla.s.s of milk were placed at the end of the course, and each compet.i.tor had to run to them balancing a new-laid egg on a spoon; when he had reached them, he had to beat up the egg in the gla.s.s of milk and pacify the child with the beverage. The compet.i.tor who did it in the shortest time won the prize.

Some murmurings were heard when it was announced that Bill had won by two-and-a-half minutes, but these were soon drowned by the cheers of the crowd and the music of the harmoniums.

[Ill.u.s.tration: YOUNG TOOTH-CUTTERS FORGOT THEIR TROUBLES]

The second event was the obstacle race, in which each compet.i.tor had to run with three babies in his arms along a course strewn with perambulators full of children. Over the latter he had to climb, and having placed his three babies in an empty perambulator stationed at the end of the course, wheel them back the same way and empty them into the arms of the Duke without a cry from the children.

The loud cheers of the crowd and the roar of the harmoniums this time hardly drowned the jeering of his rivals when it was proclaimed that Bill had also won this race; and when he secured the gold-mounted feeding-bottle, presented by the Duke, for minding seventeen tooth-cutters and three indigesters, and sending them all to sleep in three hours and forty-five minutes, their rage was almost beyond their control. The cheers, the hurrahs, and the clapping of hands, as well as the soothing music of the harmoniums, only made them more disagreeable and spiteful.

But far worse was to happen when Bill presently carried off the great cup for remaining shut up in a bathing-machine with twelve vaccinated children for twelve hours. Then they quite lost their tempers, and Bill very nearly lost his life. At least seven babies were hurled at him, as well as the cup and the bathing-machine, and Bill was only saved by the seven mothers of the seven hurled babies, who rushed forward to grapple with the hurlers, and carried Bill and the babies out of their reach.

This shocking disturbance caused the vicar and his eight kind curates to faint, while the Duke, who, now having lost all interest in the proceedings, was only waiting to give away the prizes, turned quite white, and at once drove off with the d.u.c.h.ess in his motor, and never again referred to the subject. The general stripped off his medals in despair, and gave them away to the children to cut their teeth with. The chatty old Viscount became dumb with astonishment, and the twelve bishops, with heads erect and half-closed eyes, walked off to their cathedrals. The harmoniums were all put out of tune and quite spoilt by the efforts of the bandsmen to drown the noise, and the tournament was completely broken up.

After this, as might have been foreseen, no mother would entrust the care of her children to any one but Bill, who became the only minder of the district. What became of the rivals no one ever knew for certain, though it has been said that they all emigrated to a desolate island in the Dead Sea, and clothed themselves in crocodile's hide with the rough and k.n.o.bby side worn against the skin, sleeping at night on beds of flints with coverlets made of stinging nettles. It is also said that they nagged and threw stones at each other all through the day, and for very rage would eat nothing but thistles, uncooked and with the p.r.i.c.kles left on, and drink nothing but cold vinegar for the rest of their wretched lives.

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE ONLY MINDER OF THE DISTRICT]

Another story has it that Bill's jealous rivals all embarked for Mount Vesuvius, with the intention of committing suicide by plunging into the burning crater. But standing on its edge and gazing therein, they all suddenly altered their minds and walked back down the mountain side to Pompeii or Herculaneum, where they were supposed to have settled and married, and repented, let us hope, of their unkind and unreasonable behaviour.

Whether either of these stories is true or not, it is certain that the rivals disappeared altogether from the country. Unmolested, Bill now devoted all his days to minding, and Randall, Noah, Knut, Biddulph, Nero, Ratchett, Hannibal, Quentin, Chad, and his innumerable other charges never left him, but wandered with him everywhere, even in his dreams.

Such a minder was Bill!

[Ill.u.s.tration: tailpiece]

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE KING OF TROY]

[Ill.u.s.tration: headpiece]

THE KING OF TROY

Now it happened one morning as Bill was shepherding his little flock across the downs, whither they loved to ramble on a fine summer's day, that Hannibal, Quentin, and Boadicea came running up to him with the wonderful tidings that they had discovered a real golden crown lying on the top of a hayrick. Bill hastened to the spot, and there, sure enough, was a most beautiful crown, ornamented with what he took to be priceless gems. Looking all round and seeing no one to whom it might belong, he climbed the rick and attempted to remove the treasure. But, try as he would, it still resisted his efforts, until at last, with one mighty wrench, he seemed to elicit a groan from the depths of the rick, and presently the crown arose apparently of its own accord and disclosed the head of an aged man firmly fixed therein. Soon his neck, then his shoulders appeared, as gradually the old fellow lifted himself from his place of hiding and climbed down the sides of the rick and stood trembling in the midst of the children, who now wonderingly gathered round him.

Having recovered from his agitation, and being greatly encouraged by Bill's kindly inquiries and genial manners, the royal old boy proceeded to account for his strange appearance on the downs.

'Prepare yourselves, you bantlings, and you, their n.o.ble curator, for the most astounding revelations; and those of you who are nerveful or softish in any way, hide your chubby heads in this old rick, that no word of my story of woes may enter your ears and so curdle your simple minds.'

At this young Chad and some of the others set up a terrible hullabaloo, but Bill soon comforted them, and then, seated in a circle on the gra.s.s around the old fellow, they made themselves comfortable and prepared to listen to his story.

'Are you all fit?' demanded the old gent. 'Yes,' shouted Bill and his charges in reply. 'Well, here goes then.' And he commenced his tale in the following way:--

'I am that King of Troy who ruled over his subjects with such wisdom and justice that the greatest happiness prevailed amongst them!'

[Ill.u.s.tration: HE CLIMBED THE RICK]

'We've heard that before,' murmured Chad, but ignoring the interruption, the King of Troy continued his story:--