Best Short Stories Part 35

When the festival began she fairly glistened with attractive confectionery, but as time wore on her decorations grew less. Finally, at the end of the last act, not a bonbon was to be seen.

"Why, Dora," cried the stage manager, "where in the world are all your decorations? Have you lost them?"

"Oh, no," replied Dora; "they're perfectly safe. I'm wearing them inside."

THEIR OPPORTUNITY

In war times Cupid is not only active but overworked, and people who have never loved before do not wait upon ceremony. In the spring of 1918, a certain rector, just before the service, was called to the vestibule to meet a couple who wanted to be married. He explained that there wasn't time for the ceremony then. "But," said he, "if you will be seated I will give you an opportunity at the end of the service for you to come forward, and I will then perform the ceremony."

The couple agreed, and after a stirring war sermon at the proper moment the clergyman said: "Will those who wish to be united in the holy bond of matrimony please come forward?"

Thereupon thirteen women and one man proceeded to the altar.

DOING HIS DUTY, BUT--

That time-honored subject the wife who talks and the husband who endures never ceases to be a source of inspiration to the humorist, and it is truly astonishing how many new ways it can be treated:

One day the telephone bell rang with anxious persistence. The doctor answered the call of a tired husband.

"Yes?" he said.

"Oh, doctor," said a worried voice, "something seems to have happened to my wife. Her mouth seems set and she can't say a word."

"Why, she may have lockjaw," said the medical man.

"Do you think so? Well, if you are up this way some time next week you might step in and see what you can do for her."

ANTIc.i.p.aTING THE PLEASURE

Will Hogg of Texas says that down in Houston one Monday morning a Negro boy in his employ came to him with a request.

"Boss," said the darky, "I'd lak to git off nex' Friday fur the day."

"What for?" inquired Hogg.

"Got to go to a fun'el."

"Whose funeral is it?"

"My uncle's."

"When did your uncle die?"

"Lawd, boss, he ain't daid yit!"

"Then how do you know his funeral is going to take place on Friday?"

"'Case dey's gwine hang him Thursday!"

HIS COMPLAINT

To be truthful and at the same time diplomatic is one of the rarest of combinations, and only a small boy would be equal to it:

Johnny's manners had been improving at home, but at what a cost to his appet.i.te when he had an invitation to dine at a boy friend's house! His hostess said, concernedly, when dessert was reached, "You refuse a second helping of pie? Are you suffering from indigestion, Johnny?" "No, ma'am; politeness."

PUTTING IT UP TO THE HORSE

Pat had just joined a horse regiment, and was undergoing the necessary practice in the riding school. After a particularly desperate attempt to unseat its rider, the horse managed to entangle a hoof in one of the stirrups.

"Begorra," said Pat, "if you're comin' on, then I'm gettin' off!"

THE WORM TURNED

A party of engineers were tracing a township line across some farm lands in Illinois. As chance would have it, the line pa.s.sed directly through a large barn having double doors on each side of it, and they found they could continue their measurements through the barn by opening the doors and thus avoiding the dreaded detour. The owner watched their progress with considerable interest, but made no comment until they had reached the farther side of the barn, when he asked:

"Thet a railroad ye-all surveyin' fer?"

"Certainly," replied the chief.

The farmer meditated a bit as he closed the barn doors behind them, when he remarked, somewhat aggressively, "I hain't got no objections ter havin' er railroad on my farm, but I'll be darned ef I'm goin' ter git up at all hours of the night ter open and shet them doors fer yer train ter go through!"

MAKES A DIFFERENCE

The German may understand his own point of view, but he hates exceedingly to have that point of view taken, even in part, by any one else.

An official who has scrutinized the reports made by German diplomatic representatives to their Government before the declaration of war furnishes this extract from one of them:

"The Americans are very rough. If you call one of them a liar he does not argue the matter after the manner of a German gentleman, but brutally knocks you down. The Americans have absolutely no _Kultur_."

SOLVING A GREAT PROBLEM

The whole Irish question, and its perfect solution--at least from one side--is summed up by the reply given by an Irishman to a professor, who, when they chanced to meet, said:

"Pat, tell me, now, what is your solution to the world problem?"

"Well, sor," replied Pat, "I think we should have a world democracy--with an Irishman for king!"

DIAGNOSED