Best Short Stories Part 20

"Pat, when are you going to place your whiskers on the reserve list?"

"When you place your tongue on the civil list," was the Irish sailor's reply.

A GIFTED YOUTH

Although Alfred had arrived at the age of 21 years he showed no inclinaton either to pursue his studies or in any way adapt himself to his father's business.

"I don't know what I will ever make of that son of mine," bitterly complained his father, a hustling business man.

"Maybe he hasn't found himself yet," consoled the confidential friend.

"Isn't he gifted in any way?"

"Gifted?" queried the father. "Well, I should say he is! He ain't got a thing that wasn't given to him."

IT HAPPENED IN ILLINOIS

The time was registration day; the place was a a small town in Southern Illinois. There was no girl. He was a gentleman of color, and the registrar was having considerable trouble explaining the whys and wherefors of the registration. At last Rastus showed a faint glimmer of intelligence.

"Dis heyah registrashum fo' de draf' am a whole lot like 'lection votin', ain't it?" he asked uncertainly.

"Yes," answered the kindly registrar.

Rastus scratched his head in troubled doubt. He was thinking deeply.

Presently his brow cleared and a smile spread over his face. He had come to a decision.

"Den I votes for Julius Jackson ter be drafted," he said. "I nebah did hab no use fo' dat n.i.g.g.ah."

GETTING EVEN

James, 4 years old, had been naughty to the point of evoking a whipping from his long-suffering mother, and all day long a desire for revenge rankled in his little bosom.

At length bedtime came, and, kneeling beside her, he implored a blessing on each member of the family individually, his mother alone being conspicuous by her absence. Then, rising from his devout posture, the little suppliant fixed a keenly triumphant look upon her face, saying, as he turned to climb into bed:

"I s'pose you noticed you wasn't in it."

ARCHIE'S NECK

Little Willie--in small boy stories the central figure is nearly always named Little Willie--came running into the house, stuttering in his excitement.

"Mommer," he panted, "do you know Archie Sloan's neck?"

"Do I know what?" asked his mother.

"Do you know Archie Sloan's neck?" repeated her offspring.

"I know Archie Sloan," answered the puzzled parent; "so I suppose I must know his neck. Why?"

"Well," said Willie, "he just now fell into the back-water up to it."

THEIR ONE TOPIC

"The Kaiser and Hindenburg," said Edsell Ford, son of Henry Ford, "and the crown prince and the other German big-wigs can never mention the war without saying that it was forced upon them, that they are fighting in defense of the fatherland, that their enemies are to blame for all the bloodshed, and so forth.

"The way the Germans insist on this defense talk of theirs, in season and out of season," he went on, "reminds me of the colored preacher who always preached on infant baptism.

"A deputation waited on him one evening and asked him if he wouldn't please drop infant baptism for a time. He said he'd try to meet the deputation's wishes and the following Sunday he announced as his text, 'Adam, Where Art Thou?'

"This text, brethern and sistern,' said the preacher, 'can be divided into fo' heads. Fust, every man is somewhar. Second, most men is whar they hain't got no business to be. Third, you'd better watch out or that's whar you'll be yourself. Fo'th, infant baptism. And now, brethern and sistern, I guess we might as well pa.s.s up the first three heads and come immediately to the fo'th--infant baptism.'"

PROBABLY RIGHT

Here is a story of the late Lord Haversham's schooldays. Glancing through his pocket-book, his mother saw a number of entries of small sums, ranging from 2s. 6d. to 5s., against which were the letters "P.G."

Thinking this must mean the Propagation of the Gospel, she asked her son why he did not give a lump sum and a larger amount to so deserving a cause.

"That is not for the Propagation of the Gospel," he replied. "When I cannot remember exactly on what I spend the money I put 'P.G.,' which means 'Probably grub.'"

UNRETURNED FAVORS

A Connecticut farmer was asked to a.s.sist at the funeral of his neighbor's third wife and, as he had attended the funerals of the two others, his wife was surprised when he declined the invitation. On being pressed to give his reason he said, with some hesitation:

"You see, Mary, it makes a chap feel a bit awkward to be always accepting other folks's civilities when he never has anything of the same sort of his own to ask them back to."

THE PROPER SPIRIT

Here is a story our wounded boys have brought back from the front about Sir Douglas Haig.

Sir Douglas was, some few weeks ago, in a great hurry to get to a certain place. He found his car, but the chauffeur was missing. So Sir Douglas got in the car and drove off by himself. Then the driver appeared and saw the car disappearing in the distance.

"Great Scot!" cried the driver, "there's 'Aig a-driving my car!"

"Well, get even with him," said a Tommy, standing by, "and go and fight one of 'is battles for him."

EXPERIENCED

A judge presiding over a court in Washington, D.C., was administering the oath to a boy of tender years, and to him put the following question:

"Have you ever taken the oath? Do you know how to swear, my boy?"

Whereupon the lad responded: "Yes, sir. I am your caddie at the Chevy Chase Club."