Berry and Co Part 22

"Perhaps it's behind your ear," suggested her husband. "Perhaps----"

"Where's the match you lighted that one from?" demanded his wife.

"Woman," said Berry indignantly, "you forget yourself. Besides, I didn't use a match. I kindled it by rubbing two sticks together. Same as they do in Guano, where the jelly comes from."

Here a diversion was caused by the opening of the door sufficiently to admit a slightly damp white ball with a black spot, which projected itself into the room as if possessed. n.o.bby. Exhilarated to frenzy by the reflection that at least four days must elapse before any one could be bothered to bathe him again, the terrier took a flying leap on to the sofa, licked Daphne's face, put a foot in Berry's eye, barked, hurled himself across the room to where Jonah was playing Patience, upset the card-table, dashed three times round the room, pretended to unearth a rat from the depths of Jill's chair, and finally flung himself exhausted at my feet.

"I suppose this is what they call 'animal spirits,'" said Berry. "Or 'muscular Christianity.'"

"It is well known," said I, "that exercise after a bath is most beneficial."

"No doubt," was the icy reply. "Well, next time I put my foot in your eye, a.s.sume that I've had a bath and call it 'exercise,' will you?"

"Have you written to the St. Martins?" said Daphne, "to say that you'll be a day late?"

"I have. The masterpiece is on the writing-table, awaiting insertion in an envelope."

I picked up the letter and read aloud as follows--

_MADAM,_

_I am disposed to refer to your invitation to make one of the house-party due to a.s.semble on the 23rd instant._

_I am to say that a malignant Fate has decreed that I shall not dignify your hovel before the evening of the following day._

_The feeling of profound disappointment which this announcement will provoke should be tempered by the reflection that you are fortunate indeed to have secured so enchanting a personality for your festivities, which, however hopeless they may appear, cannot fail to be galvanized into some show of life by my inspiring presence._

_My luggage and the four ungrateful parasites who have so long battened upon my generosity will arrive on the 23rd, as arranged. One of the latter has stealthily acquired a mongrel, which, provided he can obtain the necessary permit, he proposes to bring with him. My protests against this abuse of hospitality have been received with that vulgar insolence which I have, alas, learned to expect._

_I am to request you to remember that I am visiting you incognito, as the Duke of Blackpool, and that at this season it is my practice to consume a mince-pie and a bottle of beer before retiring._

_I am, Madam,_

_Your obedient Servant,_

_BERRY PLEYDELL._

"Outrageous," said Daphne, "perfectly outrageous. However, there's no time to write another, so it had better go. Boy, be a dear and answer that invitation for me."

"This lecture thing?" said I, holding up a gilt-edged card.

My sister nodded.

"We'll have to go, I suppose."

In a flowing hand I wrote as follows--

_Major and Mrs. Pleydell have much pleasure in accepting the Countess of Loganberry's kind invitation to attend Professor La Trobe's lecture on the 3rd of January._

When I had read this aloud--

"What an interesting subject!" said Berry. "We shall enjoy ourselves."

Three days later I was in the act of fitting a new blade to my safety-razor, when Berry entered the room fully dressed.

"I'm just off," he said, "but you may as well see what you've done before I go."

"What d'you mean?" said I.

"Read that."

He handed me a letter. I laid down my instrument of torture and read as follows--

_SIR,_

_I am directed by the Countess of Loganberry to acknowledge your communication of the 20th inst., and to say that she cannot recollect the inclusion of your name among those of the guests invited to a.s.semble at Pride Langley the day after to-morrow._

_In these circ.u.mstances I am to express the hope that you will not trouble to favour her with your attendance upon the 24th inst. or any other date, and that you will take immediate steps to prevent the dispatch of your luggage and of the four parasites, for which, should they arrive, she can accept no responsibility._

_I am to add that the Countess is not interested in the acquisition of the animal to which you refer, or in the nature of the victuals with which it is your habit to console yourself of nights._

_I am, sir,_

_Your obedient servant,_

_FREDERICK BOLETON._

I stroked my chin thoughtfully. Then--

"I don't want to say anything rash," said I, "but it looks as if a mistake had been made."

"But what a brain!" observed my brother-in-law. "What insight!" He glanced at his watch. "And it's not half-past nine yet."

"It is wonderful, isn't it? Now, all we want is a line from Diana St.

Martin to say how glad she is you're going to the lecture on January the 3rd. Do you agree, brother?"

"I am not here," said Berry loftily, "to discuss your crime. Have you anything to say why the Court should not give you judgment?"

"Yes. First, this communication must be answered forthwith. Secondly, Mr. Boleton is clearly a menace to Society. It is therefore our painful duty, brother, to proceed with the operation, inadvertently begun, of pulling his leg until he will require a pair of field gla.s.ses to see his own foot."

With a grin Berry clapped me on the back.

"I leave it to you, partner. Make the telegram windy. Wind always inspires wind." He took the letter out of my hand and slipped it into his pocket. "You won't want this doc.u.ment. And now I must be going. See you to-morrow, laddie."

The next moment he was gone.