Believe You Me! Part 22

"Dearie," she says, tucking in a imaginary curl. "Dear, Johnnie here was over to my flat and we got speaking of you by accident, and he's anxious to know where's the money he gave you, and why no decorations as was intended?"

"Yes, Miss La Tour," says the old bird, which it was plain she had made a even more perfect fool of him than he had been before. "Yes, Miss La Tour, it's a serious thing," he says. "I understand you didn't really call even one meeting and as for decorations--!! Well, what can you tell us?"

Well, I told him how I come to think of what I thought of, and the jobs which I had 319 of and the notes and all, and while I talked I could see plain enough that I was getting in worse every minute, because they had come determined to find me guilty, and no matter what I said, it would of listened queer with them two pairs of gla.s.sy eyes on me.

"I had a hunch," I wound up, "that maybe something a little substantial would be welcome," I says, "because after all a person can't live on plaster arches and paper flowers, and three hundred and nineteen jobs ought to take care of a considerable percent of the ones that need it,"

I says. "And so while your arches are all right," I says, "you must admit they are princ.i.p.ally for show."

When I got through Mr. Mulvaney cleared his throat and didn't seem to know just how to go on; but Ruby give him an eye, and so he cleared his throat again and changed back to her side.

"This is all _most_ irregular," he says very dignified. "Most irregular.

You will certainly have to appear before the general committee and give them an accounting. What you have done amounts to a misuse of public-funds!"

My Gawd, I nearly fainted at that! But before I could say a word a voice spoke up from the doorway.

"Like h.e.l.l it does!" says Jim, which that dear kid had left himself in with his key and listened to the whole business. "Like h.e.l.l it's a misuse!" he says, coming into the room and putting his arm around me.

"You just let the public and the soldiers take their choice! Give all the facts to all the newspapers and we will furnish the photographs free! Go to it! Get busy! And--get out!"

Well, they got, and what happened then I will not go into because there are things even a self-centered woman won't put on paper! Poor Jim, and him back in camp to get deloused and demobilized and his tooth-brush, and a few parting words of appreciation and etc, these past 48 hours which it seems is the rule for all soldiers, and I suppose they did need the rest after that parade before taking up domestic life once more.

Well, anyways, that afternoon late, while him and me was thoroughly enjoying our joint contract and the Sunday spreads with our pictures and all, in walks Ma with her hat and dolman on and a suit-case in one hand, and 'Frisco, the he-snake in his box, in the other hand.

"For the love of Mike, Ma Gilligan, where are you going to?" I says, looking at her idly.

"I'm leaving you forever!" says Ma, in a deep voice.

"Leaving us? Whatter you mean, leaving us?" I says, taking notice and my head off Jim's shoulder.

"I'm going back to work," says Ma. "I'm not going to be dependent on you no longer," she says, "nor a burden in my old age," she says. "And now that you got Jim back I shall only be in the way, so good-by, Gawd bless you!"

"Why, Ma Gilligan!" I yells, jumping to my feet. "How you talk! Besides what on earth do you think you could do?"

"Oh, I got a job," she flashes, proudly. "I'm going back to the circus!"

Believe you me, that pretty near had me floored.

"The circus!" I says. "What nonsense! Why a trapezer has to be half your age to say nothing of weight!"

"I'm not going on no trapeze at my years!" says Ma. "I'm going back as Fat Lady. One hundred a week and expenses!"

All of a sudden I realized the full meaning of them doughnuts and cocoa and etc she had eat these past months. She had been deliberately training and as usual was successful. I sprung to my feet and hung around Ma's neck like a ten-year-old.

"Oh Ma!" I says. "Don't! Please don't go back! Whatever would we do without you?" I says. And Jim added his entreaties.

"Why, Ma Gilligan, what bally rot!" he says, which it's quite noticeable the amount of English he's picked up over there. "What a silly a.s.s you are, old dear!" he says. "Here we are going to California and who would cook for us if not you?" he says, "with the cook-question like it is out there?"

Well, that weakened Ma considerable, for cooking is her middle name. So she set down the suit-case.

"Ma!" I begged her. "We _couldn't_ have too much of you, and you would never be in the way or a burden no matter what the scales say. For heaven's sake take off that hat, it's too young for you, and burden us with the first home cooking Jim has had in two years!"

Well, she give in at that, and sat down the snake and her dolman and pocket-book.

"Well, all right then!" she says. "I'll stay!" Which is about all the emotion Ma ever shows. "Whew, but it's hot in here!" she says and turns to open the window and we left her do it, because we seen she didn't want us to notice her tears. And as she opened it she gives a shriek and leans way over, grabbing at something. And hardly had she yelled than from below come a holler and a flow of language the like of which I had never heard, no, not even at the studio when something went wrong! Then Ma commenced to laugh something hysterical and pulled herself back in through the window and leaned against the side of it, hollering her head off.

"What is it?" I says.

"It's Maude!" gasps Ma. "She was shut under the winder and when I opened it she fell out and lit on Rudie's head which was sitting right underneath."

Well, we could hardly hear her for the noise in the kitchen. The dumb-waiter was buzzing like all possessed. I and Jim rushed out and there, lickety-split, come the dumb-waiter only it was more inarticulate than dumb by then, and on it the case of Old Home lacking only three quarts.

"I find your whiskey, Miss La Tour!" says Rudie's voice, very weak and s.h.a.gy from below. "I chust find him and send him right away, quick!"

"Thanks old dear!" chortled Jim. "Come up and have a drink on me!"

"No tanks!" yelled Rudie. "I'm leaving this blace right now foreffer!"

Well, we should worry! I turned to Jim, a big load off my mind.

"Jim," I says solemnly. "There is the three hundred and twentieth job!"

THE END