Behind The Tears Part 9

"What s.h.i.t?"

"I'll tell ya when you get here, now put Tiana on."

"Okay." Dante called out to Tiana, followed by Tiana asking who it was. "Ash."

Ash gripped the phone when Dante insisted a second time that she take the call. After several seconds, her voice came over the line. "I can't talk now, Ash."

"Only cos it's me."

"Ash..." She breathed out, her tone frustrated.

"I wanna see my son. If you can't stand the sight of me, then let Dante bring him back. Not today, next weekend. I've gotta sort some things out first."

"Not to that house."

"There's nuthin' wrong with my home."

"You know why I don't like it."

"Christ, Tiana, you can't stop me from spending time with my own son."

"You can visit him here."

"Yeah, right. Every time I arrange to come over, there's always some emergency that makes you leave the house with him. I'm sick of it."

Her voice went high, a tale-tale sign that she was lying. "I don't do it on purpose."

"b.o.l.l.o.c.ks, you do so."

"Don't use that language, and it's not my fault you won't quit that horrible job."

"For frig's sake, stop gettin' on my case 'bout work, you d.a.m.n well know I can't quit."

"So, your job's more important than your son? Than me?" She said the last two words so soft he almost missed them. Behind her, he could hear Dante telling her to give it a rest.

Ash breathed out. "You know what happened when I tried to give it up. Christ, my boss is dangerous; I don't wanna go through that again, I hafta keep my family safe," especially Angelo. I couldn't deal with Craven sending his men near him again.

"I don't want my son around drugs or criminals."

"He won't be around drugs and I'm his father regardless of what I do." When she didn't reply, he added, "Please, Tiana, I miss him, and a boy needs his father."

"You didn't."

Ash went still, her words a shock.

"Oh G.o.d, Ash, I'm sorry, it just came out. I'm so sorry."

Ash threw the phone across the lawn, then stormed back into the house, slamming his bedroom door behind him. Tiana f.u.c.king knew everything about his relationship with his father, and knew how much it stung. Just because he couldn't be around his old man, didn't mean he didn't want one that cared about him. At one point, he'd thought that maybe his father could change, that he could be a "dad," but then again, he just had to admit his old man was unwell, not right in the head, so what did he expect. And his cousin, the man who acted more like a father than his biological one, couldn't be around either. He missed Hunter, but knew his cuz was just as damaged as his old man. But at least Hunter was safe in the psyche ward, and couldn't harm himself there. Although it hurt having to admit him, it was still the right decision.

Ash closed his eyes. Was he psychologically up the wop too? He had fits of uncontrollable rage like his father. Maybe Tiana was right, that his son was better off without him-safer. But that hurt, and unlike the way his father had treated him, he'd never hit Angelo. And if his stepdad hadn't come into his life, he might not have gone to live with Hunter and been pulled into the drug trade. He could've become a graphic artist, something his old art teacher had suggested. He swore, realising what he was doing, falling into that same old trap of regret.

He stripped and headed into the shower, letting the water wash away the remnants of the day, and wishing it could do the same for Tiana's words. Once done, he checked out his face in the mirror, surprised to see how little damage Len had done. Just a split lip, but without the swelling, though the back of his head still hurt like a b.a.s.t.a.r.d. He grabbed one of Beth's mirrors and angled it so he could see the damage, gingerly touching the sensitive area. Other than being sore, it seemed alright, the bleeding having stopped. Satisfied, he headed into his room and pulled on some clothes, then lay down on the bed, wanting to catch some shut-eye before Dante returned.

His shirt was tugged over his head, suffocating him briefly. 'I'm sorry, I tried; I really did,' Chaz said, undoing Ash's belt. 'But I promise you won't remember a thing, I've made sure of that.'

Blackness took Ash, then movement brought him back. He was lying naked on his stomach, with his legs pushed apart. The realisation of what was going to happen hit him hard. He cried out, desperately trying to get away, but his body remained motionless. Pain entered him below, ripping out a scream. Chaz swore, then pushed Ash's face into the pillow. Fighting to breathe, Ash threw the pillow onto the floor and bolted upright, knocking Chaz off him. Panicked, he turned around and swung out, then froze. Instead of Chaz, Beth stood before him, the drawn curtains blocking out most of the daylight and shrouding her body in shadows. Confused, Ash glanced down at himself, finding himself dressed.

"A dream," and one he had far too often. He looked back up at Beth, who hadn't budged. She was standing stock-still like she was afraid to move, then as though someone had flicked on a switch she touched her eye.

His gaze followed the movement. "Did I hurt you?" he said, not sure what he'd done while dreaming.

"It's nuthin'."

He switched on the light then pushed off the bed. He took a hold of Beth's hand and lowered it, horrified to see her reddened eye. "Oh, Beth, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to." He leaned in and kissed it gently, feeling awful when she flinched. "I would never hurt you on purpose."

"It's no less painful whether you do it on purpose or by accident."

"I-I wuz having a nightmare."

She appeared sad. "I'm not talking 'bout my eye. Why do you ignore me, Ash? You just walked out this morning as though I wuzn't even there."

"I'm sorry, I wuz upset over what happened at the parole hearing."

"Why couldn't you tell me that earlier? And it's not just this morning either. You ignore me when I ask you questions, only giving me t.i.tbits of info when you feel like it. You're purposely shutting me out and it hurts."

Ash grimaced, knowing it was true.

She sighed. "I love you, but I can't take this anymore. Please gimme sumpthin' that shows you care 'bout me, that you want me to stay. I understand you don't wanna get married, but I'm not asking that, just ... I want to feel like I'm your lover, not a nuisance."

He looked down, wondering whether he should tell her about Chaz-the full story, not the abridged version. But, admitting to being raped wasn't easy. In the past he was afraid to tell people because he thought they might think he was gay. Although he no longer believed that, it was still something he didn't want to talk about, because pity was just as suffocating as his face being pushed into a pillow.

"You gonna say sumpthin' or do you want me to leave?" she said, her expression worried.

He sat down on the bed and put his hands to his head. "Sometimes it's just easier not to talk. I used to blurt things out without thinking, which did more damage than good. I hurt people's feelings cos of it, which is why I prefer to keep my thoughts to myself."

"But, it hurts me when you tell me nuthin'. Partners are s'posed to know things 'bout the person they love, whether good or bad, but you're even more of a mystery now than when we first met. Please... I want a normal relationship with you, and to be able to touch you without you lashing out at me."

"I thought you were my stepfather."

"It's been ten years since Chaz beat you up, you hafta stop letting your memories mess with your life."

"That's easier said than done."

"Maybe if you didn't bottle things up all of the time you might be able handle things better. Talk to me, confide in me, lemme take some of the load offa you. I love you and wanna help."

"I thought I wuz handling things."

She touched her eye. "Does this look like it?"

He pulled a face. "You're making me feel like s.h.i.t."

"I'm just stating facts, and everyone else may see the big tough Ash Rata, but I see a scared boy."

"I'm not scared," he said, getting wound up.

"Yes, you are, you looked terrified when you swung out at me."

"For Christ's sake, don't say it like that, I thought you were Chaz."

"You don't hafta keep telling me that, and even if Chaz were here now, you're big, you could take him on easily. Think that, cos you could pound him to nuthin'."

"You don't understand." I'm never big in my dreams, I'm always fifteen.

"Then explain it to me."

"I wish I could, but I can't."

"Why?"

Because it hurts too much and you won't understand, no one can unless they've had it happen to them. And you... Christ, when you asked me to force you I came so close to leaving you, so f.u.c.king close. You have no b.l.o.o.d.y idea what rape feels like, and for you to fantasise about it made me want to scream at you. It's my fault for not telling you, but how can I without upsetting you? Do you want me to tell you I think you're perverted? I don't think so. It's just better to shut up, because at least I hurt you less this way.

"Ash..." she drew out his name, like she was exasperated with him. "You're doin' it again. Stop holding things in. It's not good for either of us. How 'bout you blurt it out like you said you used to, just get it over and done with, like ripping off a plaster."

"It won't make things better," nothing can do that.

"Why not?"

"Please, Beth, just quit it."

"No! I've had enough. You tell me now or I'm leaving."

He knew she meant it, but he still couldn't bring himself to tell her outright. He looked down at his feet, wondering whether he could possibly word it in a way without actually saying he was raped. He could maybe tell her that his stepfather had dropped a roofie into his beer, then maybe she would understand and back off, because most people knew what that drug was used for. He went to open his mouth, but got shoved onto the bed, the top of his sore head coming into contact with the wall. Consumed by the jolt of pain, he turned onto his side and cradled it.

"What the h.e.l.l is wrong with you?" Beth said, her voice dripping with disbelief. "Look at me." She climbed on top of him, and tried to push him onto his back.

"Stoppit."

"No, I've had a gutful of your brooding."

He let go of his head and grabbed her around the waist to move her off him.

"Don't touch me!" she yelled, slapping him across the cheek.

Ash let go, too shocked to do anything else.

She started crying. "I needa know, so tell me what you're hiding, cos I can't handle this anymore." She screwed up her face, like she thought he was never going to tell her, but for the first time he actually wanted to, well, not wanted-but needed to, because right at that moment he realised he'd hurt her more by keeping things a secret.

"I'm sorry, I-"

She cut him off before he could explain what had happened to him. "I don't care if you're sorry cos you don't mean it."

"I do-"

"Shut up, just shut up! You're a liar! Cos if you did mean it you wouldn't do exactly the same thing over and over again. I hate it, cos it makes me feel like nuthin'. G.o.d, even Dante cares more 'bout me than you do. I should've asked him out, cos at least he makes love to me like he cares."

"What?" Ash said, not sure if he'd heard right.

Beth's face dropped. "That didn't come out right," she said, getting off him.

He pushed to his feet. "Did you just say you f.u.c.ked Dante?"

She shook her head.

"You said he makes love to you."

"It wuz one time, an accident."

Ash went silent, completely speechless.

"We didn't mean for it to happen," she said, her soft voice snapping Ash out of his dumbstruck state.

"So, his c.o.c.k accidentally slipped into your p.u.s.s.y?"

She shook her head vigorously, her expression scared.

"When?" He paused, waiting for an answer. "When?!"

"After you left for work today, we got into a fight. We did and said things without thinking."

Ash put his hands to his head, wanting to scream at her. His brother? His own f.u.c.king brother! "How could you do that?" How could Dante do that? "You hate him. You're nasty to him. Why would you..." All his thoughts rushed his mind at once, battling each other to make sense of things. She always dropped everything to pick Dante up, got whiny when Dante had women around... "You've always wanted him, haven't ya?" He ploughed ahead before she could answer. "Didja think of him while we were f.u.c.king?"

Again, she shook her head vigorously.

"Bulls.h.i.t, I betcha chose me cos you knew Dante would cheat on you."

She opened her mouth then shut it, her expression telling him it was true.

"Why didja even ask me out if you wanted him?"

"Cos I wanted to be with you just as much."

He pointed at her face, making her flinch. "You're a liar. You used me, everyone f.u.c.kin' uses me."

"It wuzn't like that," she said, reaching for him.

He sidestepped her hands. "Don't touch me, don't ever f.u.c.kin' touch me again."