Beauty Queens Part 43

Adina loaded the catapult with eyelash curlers, safety razors, and straightening irons. "Who's more awesome than you, Taylor Rene Krystal Hawkins, Miss Teen Dream Texas?"

Taylor seemed to think for a moment. "n.o.body." She cut the rope and a volley of beauty products sailed through the trees. The black shirts shouted as the metal hit them.

A black shirt reached for Taylor, who rolled and retrieved the filled foundation tube. She blew hard, getting him splat in the eyes. He shrieked. Another guard leapt onto Taylor from the tree. He raised his knife. Adina swirled the hair dryer on its cord and let it fly, whacking him in the head and knocking him out.

"Boo-yah!" she shouted.

Taylor lured the others. She grabbed a vine and swung over the leaf-strewn pit. Foolishly, the black shirts charged and fell deep into the hole. A shot grazed Taylor's arm.

"Taylor!" Adina ducked behind a tree. "Taylor, get your a.s.s over here!"

"Language," Taylor said through clenched teeth. Her arm oozed blood. She looked up to see Agent Jones aiming for her.

"Taylor!" Adina whisper-shouted.

Taylor narrowed her eyes. A strange smile played at her lips. "Final interview round, Miss New Hampshire! I'm sorry. You have not made Top Five. Dodge and weave back to Hanover."

Agent Jones got off another shot, but this time, Taylor was ready. She darted into the jungle to her right, letting Agent Jones chase her.

"s.h.i.t," Adina said, and ran for the compound.

CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT.

Harris had waited until he was sure he was alone before angling the Swiss Army Knife from his pocket and cutting through his restraints. Tossing the ropes aside, he laughed. "People are always misunderestimating me."

Armed with an AK-47, he headed out into the jungle just as Tiara and Petra were making their way toward the compound. Harris aimed the AK-47 at the girls and they raised their hands in surrender. Tiara hopped a little from foot to foot.

"Stop moving!" Harris barked.

"Sorry. I have to pee," Tiara said.

"You're the dumb one, aren't you?"

Tiara's face reddened.

"You're one to talk," Petra said.

"Hey! I went to Yale."

"I could go to Yale, too, if my dad bought my way."

"Shut up!" Harris went to hit Petra with the gun, and she karate-chopped his arm. The gun dropped to the ground. They all raced for it at once. Tiara b.u.mped into Petra, who fell backward, giving Harris a chance to grab the gun again. He put the muzzle to Petra's head.

"Stop it!" Tiara yelled.

"Yeah? You smart enough to stop me?"

"I ..." Tiara wasn't sure what to do. He had a gun to Petra's head. "Um, stop it, please?"

"Please? Please?" Harris laughed. "Oh my G.o.d. You really are dumb, aren't you?"

Dumb. It's what everyone had said, when she'd struggled in school or asked questions that made people laugh behind their hands: "Don't worry about it. You're a pretty girl. You'll be fine." But Tiara had worried about it. She felt like someday there would be a test that didn't involve getting an A in pretty, and she would fail it. That test day had come.

"Maybe I'm not the smartest person in the world, but at least I keep trying. I keep learning," she said.

Harris scoffed. "Oh, so inspiring. Honestly, what do you know how to do, huh? Tell me and maybe I won't waste you."

"W-well ..."

"Nothing, that's what," Harris taunted. "All you know how to do is look good."

"Leave her alone!" Petra shouted.

"Say it: I'm dumb."

Tiara's eyes brimmed with tears - not because she was hurt, but because she was angry. There was something Tiara knew how to do: keep her composure under pressure. "No matter what, a pageant girl keeps her smile," Mr. Ray Ray, the pageant coach from Tupelo, had told her once. "Even if the girl in front of you slips and falls on her bon-hooney and then catches on fire, too, you just keep smiling like nothing happened." Tiara saw the movement in the trees and she smiled.

"Okay. I'm dumb."

Harris seemed pleased with himself. "You sure are. You are a dumb, useless b.i.t.c.h."

"Yep." Tiara continued watching the movement behind Harris. Her smile did not falter.

"What are you smiling about?"

"Nothing. Just keeping my composure."

"Well, you do that, sweetheart. Any last words?"

"Not really," Tiara said. "Just that there's a giant snake behind you."

Harris smirked. "You think I'm going to fall for that? You must think I'm as dumb as you are."

The hiss wasn't terribly loud, but it was deep and personal and very, very p.i.s.sed off. The hiss coiled itself tightly around the air and squeezed out all other sound. Harris turned slowly. The snake lurched forward, hissing and drooling. Its diseased tongue flicked out like a New Year's Eve party blower losing air. It seemed almost to smile, showing a mouthful of mottled teeth.

"Don't take me - take them! There's two of them! My dad was CEO! I went to Yale!" Harris squeaked.

The snake inched closer. It flicked a tongue across Harris's face and emitted a low grumble.

"f.u.c.k you!" Harris pulled the trigger on the AK-47. Nothing happened.

"Safety," Petra said.

The snake batted the gun from Harris's hands. He backed away, but the molting showgirl of a snake wasn't having it. It lurched forward and, in one giant-size bite, gulped down the screaming Harris Buffington Ewell Davis III. Then, as the girls watched, it slithered calmly back toward the jungle, leaving them alone.

Tiara gave a small wave of farewell. "You know what? Dumb is better than dead."

Adina ran serpentine-style through the jungle as Taylor had instructed. But somewhere she'd taken a wrong turn and come out on the beach. She saw the pirate ship in the lagoon and ran for it. It appeared to be empty. She turned to leave and ran headlong into Duff. She screamed and Duff jumped back.

"What the h.e.l.l are you doing here?" she yelled.

"Thank G.o.d you're okay!" he said.

"Okay? Okay? I'm being shot at and, like, a billion people are trying to kill me and there's explosives and despite all of that, I am still really, really, really p.i.s.sed off at you, you a.s.shole."

Duff smiled. "Nice to see you, too."

"Whatever. We have to get to the compound."

"Lead the way," Duff said.

"Not so fast, hound dogs." MoMo B. ChaCha's platform shoes clunked across the ship's deck. He moved like an injured cat, but one that could still claw and bite. He raised his gun. "You are responsible for this." In his other hand, he held the remains of General Good Times.

"We're responsible for your unfortunate experiments in taxidermy?" Adina asked.

"Don't be insolent, beauty queen!" The Peac.o.c.k raised his arm to strike. Duff stopped him.

"I don't think so, mate."

"Wait ... You are familiar to The Peac.o.c.k. Did I kill your family?"

"No."

"Huh. Disappointing."

"I'm Duff McAvoy of The Corporation's wildly popular cable show, Captains Bodacious IV: Badder and More Bodaciouser."

MoMo let fly a small squeal of excitement and clapped his hands. "Of course!" MoMo embraced Duff, kissing him on both cheeks. "I am number-one fan of your show."

"That's great!" Duff laughed in relief. "That's ... that's brilliant."

Adina forced a laugh.

MoMo tapped the gun against his forehead. "You are ... don't tell me ... Casanova of the Sea?"

"That's me."

MoMo raised an eyebrow at Adina. "And you are his latest conquest, yes?"

Adina cut her eye at Duff.

"Yeah, we were just about to film a bit for the show, so, you know, nice to meet you. No need to stick around. It's dead boring, filming," Duff said, trying to edge away.

"No, no, no. We must make the moment. MoMo will help. With the gun, I will force you both to walk the plank. You will die together. This will be romantical, yes?"

"No!" they yelled.

"Ah, but you are young. Plenty of time to realize these special moments. Then again, considering you are about to die, maybe not. This will be the best show ever!"

"Wait!" Duff called. "Adina didn't do anything wrong. Let her go."

"Really? That's ... wow," Adina said.

Duff kissed her.

MoMo clapped. "Oh, a gesture so beautiful. Like the smell of a spring flower layered like an onion on a sea of hope."

"Yikes," Adina muttered.

"Bravo, Ser Peac.o.c.k!" Duff clapped. "You are truly a poet."

"You think so?"

"Absolutely. In fact, what would you say to working with me on the blog? Casanovas of the Sea?"

The Peac.o.c.k nodded, grinning. Then he stopped. "Better yet: You die and I take over the blog. To the gangplank."

"I'm going to add this to my reasons for hating you," Adina said as they edged out onto the gangplank.

"I may be a f.u.c.kup, Adina. But I really like you. I swear."

He grabbed her hand. Adina felt the warmth of Duff's fingers. Then she bent them back with all her might and Duff hissed in pain. "I. Will break. Your f.u.c.king. Hand," Adina cooed.

"h.e.l.lo, lovebirds! Time to die!" The Peac.o.c.k edged out onto the gangplank and jumped up and down. "Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy!"

Adina and Duff fought to keep their balance. "Cut it out!" Adina shouted.

"Soon I will be reunited with my lady love, Ladybird Hope."

"You and Ladybird ...?"

"It is she who arranged for me to be here. To buy the weapons. But we were betrayed by these Corporation types who do not understand our love."

Adina's mind whirred with connections. "Wait a minute - you and Ladybird Hope? She's behind the arms deal? But then ... Ladybird Hope knew we were here. Ladybird organized the pageant. Ladybird is on The Corporation's Board of Directors."

"Yes, yes," MoMo said, gesturing in a get on with it way. "She mult.i.tasks, my little minx."

"Don't you see? If Ladybird organized all of this, she's the one who tried to frame you for our murder!"

MoMo's eyes narrowed. His mustache twitched like a bug suddenly on its back. "My ears burn with hate for what you say. You will answer for this to Ladybird herself. I avenge the General." He raised his gun.

"No!" Adina said. "You're right. Let's talk to Ladybird. I'm sure she'll clear everything up. We can talk to her back at the compound."