Babyproofing Your Marriage Part 3

46.nize a girl trip. Most women just won't go away on trips and leave their families. It took Stacie six months and over a hundred emails six months and over a hundred emails to organize her college friends to go away on a girl trip. Another friend's fi rst effort was aborted when one of the women wanted to bring her one-year-old along. By comparison, when men sense an opportunity for escape, they quickly organize themselves like flying geese in to organize her college friends to go away on a girl trip. Another friend's fi rst effort was aborted when one of the women wanted to bring her one-year-old along. By comparison, when men sense an opportunity for escape, they quickly organize themselves like flying geese in Perfect V Formation Perfect V Formation headed straight for the airport. headed straight for the airport.

In Perfect V Formation Don't let a logistical dilemma prevent a Training Weekend. Spend two days and nights on your own if that's the only alternative (sounds heavenly, actually). Yes, it is hard to leave your kids. Yes, you will miss them.

But you will feel so much better when you get back. And, best of all, you will have a grateful and helpful husband greeting you at the door.

Baby . . . Boom!

47.To All the Male Doubters Out There: You Can Do It!

"I'm not sure what the big deal is. I'm their father, for G.o.d's sake."

-Lee, married 9 years, 3 kids Have you ever thought to yourself, "Aw, c'mon. What's she complaining about? It can't be that tough." Or maybe you're a little frightened at the prospect (we promise not to tell anyone) and you've thought, "It's unnatural, not to mention dangerous, to ask the JV squad to suit up for a playoff game, right?" Well, it's harder than you think, but it's also easier than you think. If you can change a diaper, and if you can feed the baby a bottle while you watch SportsCenter SportsCenter, you can do this.

True Story Her Story When our daughter was about four months old, Ross, who had told me he would be home at 7:00 P.M., rolled in the door two hours late. I was pretty ticked. I had had a day from h.e.l.l and hadn't showered in three days. When he said to me, "Why is this so hard for you? She napped twice, so you had two breaks, right? What's your problem?" I knew there was no other recourse than for him to see for himself, so I planned a trip away.

His Story Mainly, I was happy that Stacie was getting a break. I could tell she really needed one, and, honestly, I did think, "How hard can it be?" I thought she was making a big deal over nothing.

Turns out I didn't need a Training Weekend; all I needed was one morning. I was dying. I just wanted it to be over. On that Sunday, she was supposed to get back at 2:00 P.M. I was counting the minutes. At 2:05 I called her cell phone. She said she was stuck in traffic and she'd be an hour late. I started yelling at her, "This is absolute bulls.h.i.t. You told me you'd be home at 2:00!"

48.Her Story It worked. Ross's att.i.tude totally changed after that weekend.

Now, he always lets me know his ETA. He makes no more insensitive cracks (well, hardly any). And I hear the words, "You're amazing and I don't know how you do it" (which is really all any mother wants to hear), a lot more often. He's really stepped up on the domestic front, too. He hits the house with a "what can I do?" att.i.tude, and it just means the world to me.

His Story Yeah, yeah, I get it now. I'll never forget how relieved I was to see her walk in the door. I was beat up. Now I know that's how she feels when she sees me. I have a lot of respect for her job now. I couldn't do it.

S O LUTI O N S FO R WO M E N.

He Can Can Do It (and He Do It (and He Should Should Do It) Do It) "When the baby was born I wouldn't let my husband do anything. And when he did do something, I criticized him. My mom told me, 'You either let him do it his way or he will not help you.' "

-Eva, married 8 years, 2 kids "They may not eat veggies when I'm gone, but I don't criticize him. If I do, I will break down his ability to relate to the kids."

-Allison, married 7 years, 2 kids Most Dads can be pretty handy with babies. Yet how often do we complain (and the three of us have often done so ourselves) that our husbands are completely clueless? Are we contributing to that cluelessness?

We don't deliberately set them up to fail, but do we equip them to succeed? For most of us, motherhood is a trial-and-error/baptism-by-fi re education. We learn as we go. If we stand over our husband as he tries to identify the front end of the diaper, or make sure that he is holding the baby just so, how will he he learn as learn as he he goes? goes?

Baby . . . Boom!

49."I don't have any baby responsibilities. There is no division of labor. She refuses to let anyone else care for Owen. Even me."

-Doug, married 5 years, 1 kid Plenty of guys are happy to use their wives' controlling tendencies to escape their shared responsibilities. Don't give him that excuse. A few years down the road, when that baby is a toddler throwing a tantrum, and your husband tells you that you should deal with it because "you are so much better than me at this stuff," what will you say? If we never gave them an opportunity to hone their parenting skills, can we really blame them?

Turn to Other Women Julia and Gordon moved when she was eight months pregnant with her second child. She didn't know a soul in their new town. But a couple of her new neighbors took her under their wings. They helped her fi nd everything from a pediatrician to a preschool to an OB to deliver the baby.

They kept her sane after the baby was born, too. She's often wondered how she would have survived without them.

It's one of the few bad things about being born an American. In some other cultures, newborns are the exclusive province of women. The new mother is put to bed after the baby is born. She is fed and pampered. The baby is brought to her for feedings and then taken away so that she can sleep and recover. A community of women tends to her and the baby.

(We're not quite sure what the new father is doing-a.s.sembling the ba-by's highchair, perhaps. . . .) While plenty of us had lots of great help from mothers, sisters, in-laws, and friends, no one we know had this kind of gentle adjustment to motherhood. But wouldn't you agree that the wisdom, empathy, and kindness of other women are essential for all new mothers?

One of the reasons we think we should turn to our female friends and relatives is that our husbands, as men, even though they are heavily invested in their kids and our emotional needs, are not equipped to give us everything we need at this time. Only another mother can understand how thrilled, overwhelmed, and terrified we feel. Only another woman can talk to us about latch-on and nipple shields. (See, we just lost whatever male readers we had up to this point).

50.When Stacie and Julia had their first kids, they joined forces and helped each other out. They shared a sitter twice a week to keep the babysitting costs down and give the kids some playtime together. Even after the sitter went home, they'd often hang out together through the long afternoon "witching hours." They even kept each other's kids overnight so the other could get a break with her hubby.

We women have to be careful what we demand and expect of each other with new babies on the scene. Like the preschool teacher who asked Stacie to make a ca.s.serole for the cla.s.s party eight days eight days after she'd had her third baby. Like the friends who raise an eyebrow when they come over to your house for a playdate and things are a little untidy. Let's be sisters united in the cause, not sisters who sit in judgment of each other. after she'd had her third baby. Like the friends who raise an eyebrow when they come over to your house for a playdate and things are a little untidy. Let's be sisters united in the cause, not sisters who sit in judgment of each other.

How Full Is Your Cup?

"I didn't start doing yoga again until I started getting migraines and my doctor said I had to."

-Leslie, married 8 years, 3 kids "I gave myself over to motherhood until I realized, hey, I need to keep myself healthy if I'm going to be around to take care of my child. So I finally got my b.u.t.t back to the gym."

-Margaret, married 5 years, 1 kid We are, for the most part, thrilled by our new role, but the thrill diminishes if we don't take care of ourselves. Once we are out of the Twilight Zone, we need to reclaim our sense of self. We need to make time for some exercise and pursue something we enjoy, even if it's just time with our girlfriends. If we can't get motivated enough to do it for ourselves, we need to do it for our kids. A frazzled mother running on fumes is not a good mother.

Baby . . . Boom!

51.S O LUTI O N S FO R M E N.

Now's Your Chance to Play Varsity In talking to as many men as we did during the course of writing this book, we noticed a funny thing about men and new parenthood: on the one hand, you are totally committed to your family and you relish your new role of father. On the other hand, the realities of caring for a newborn just don't do much for you. To you, that little ten-pounder (a.k.a. The Blob) requires a heavy investment (feeding, burping, diaper-ing, bathing) that gives very little payoff, at least initially (an occasional smile if you're lucky). A few minutes a day with the little football is usually sufficient, then you're more than happy to make the handoff back to Mom, Grandma, or, well, pretty much anyone else with a pulse who can dial 911 in an emergency.

In this chapter, we've talked a lot about how we women should be mindful of our instincts to control everything once we become mothers. Here is the logical outgrowth of that idea: overcome your instinct to overcome your instinct to head for the sidelines until the game gets more interesting. Your team needs head for the sidelines until the game gets more interesting. Your team needs you you-especially during this critical newborn stage. Think of it as the fatherhood equivalent of all the time Tiger Woods spends practicing out in the rain. You don't get the reward if you don't put in the time.

a.s.suming you fall somewhere in the middle of the "hands-on" spectrum between the "everything but breastfeeding" brigade and the "proud to have never changed a diaper" crew, here's a handy set of New Dad plays we bet you can master: Basic Competency List, or What Every Self-Respecting Dad Should Know How to Do Dad Should Know How to Do * Change a diaper * Dispose of a diaper (properly) * Bottle-feed the baby (includes preparing the bottle) * Burp the baby 52.* Put the baby down for a nap * Dress the baby (in weather and destination-appropriate garments) * Put the baby in a car seat * Put the baby in a stroller and push it around the local park * Basic orienteering skills: know where to fi nd the diapers, wipes, bottles, and formula (both in your own home and in the local grocery store) No Excuses Yeah, yeah-you don't know how to play the game . . . the fi rst baby you ever held was your own . . . the baby doesn't really like you . . . you might accidentally hurt it . . . your wife is so much better at everything . . . your wife won't let you do anything . . . yadda, yadda, yadda. We've heard 'em all. Some of those excuses do have merit; a newborn baby can be quite terrifying. Ah, but you'll get no violins playing around here. Your wife really needs your help, even if she sometimes acts like she doesn't want it. What's more, your baby needs you. He needs your love and attention, too.

The payoff for you comes later. Don't worry, we'll get to that.

Why Your Partic.i.p.ation Is Important During the course of writing this book we saw so many women reduced to tears as they recalled how "disappointed" and "abandoned" they felt during the early newborn phase. Sometimes, the kids are in junior high and they still still remember how hurt they were by a nonessential trip their husbands took, or how he behaved as if nothing had changed in his life, or how he never once offered to do a full night of feedings. remember how hurt they were by a nonessential trip their husbands took, or how he behaved as if nothing had changed in his life, or how he never once offered to do a full night of feedings.

As much as fatherhood is a sacrifice, it's also an opportunity: it's your chance to be a hero. Women whose husbands had stepped up couldn't sing their praises loudly enough. "He was fantastic." "I was so lucky. He was with me every step of the way." You have an opportunity during this time to foster feelings of love and tenderness and pride in your wife.

These are feelings that she will hold on to forever.

Baby . . . Boom!

53.Team Think It's a trade-off. As a father, you should consider your partner's and your kid's needs in your calculations. It's simply a quid pro quo. If you want to go to the game on Sat.u.r.day afternoon, present it this way: "Hey, if we don't have anything going on, I'd love to go see the game . . . Then (and this is important) quickly follow it up with, " . . . and I'd be happy to keep the baby tomorrow while you go do your thing." Somehow, the balance idea doesn't always seem to make it into the request to get away. Without it, to many women, it feels like you're always just angling to get away at her expense. The trade-off shows you get it-that you view this baby thing as a joint effort. As a father, you should consider your partner's and your kid's needs in your calculations. It's simply a quid pro quo. If you want to go to the game on Sat.u.r.day afternoon, present it this way: "Hey, if we don't have anything going on, I'd love to go see the game . . . Then (and this is important) quickly follow it up with, " . . . and I'd be happy to keep the baby tomorrow while you go do your thing." Somehow, the balance idea doesn't always seem to make it into the request to get away. Without it, to many women, it feels like you're always just angling to get away at her expense. The trade-off shows you get it-that you view this baby thing as a joint effort.

Seeing and doing. Here are some suggestions to help you support your wife and show your undying dedication to your family: Here are some suggestions to help you support your wife and show your undying dedication to your family: The Situation The Situation How to Be a Hero Your wife was up five times last Take the baby so she can catch a night.

nap. Or offer to do a full night of feedings once a week.

Your wife looks kind of grubby Take your place on the a.s.sembly and pale when you get home, line and pitch in with those which is daily.

feedings, diaper changes, and baths.

Your wife was on baby duty all Offer to take over part of the week without a break.

weekend so she can get a breather and do something for herself.

Your buddies are going to a bar Go another time. Your wife needs after work.

you more than ever. Maybe she'll have the energy to make you a c.o.c.ktail when you get home.

54.The Situation How to Be a Hero It's a perfect day for golf.

Is there any other sort of day?

Barring an earthquake, the golf course will still be there in a few more weeks.

The game is on.

Tape/TiVo it and watch it later.

Your mother is honing in on the Run interference. Blood relatives nest.

and hormones don't always mix well.

Empathy . . . Ick Listening and understanding: Two words that really turn a man off. New Moms, however, need empathy in spades. Unfortunately it's not one of your strongest suits. To paraphrase John Gray, the author of Two words that really turn a man off. New Moms, however, need empathy in spades. Unfortunately it's not one of your strongest suits. To paraphrase John Gray, the author of Men Are Men Are from Mars from Mars, Women Are from Venus, Women Are from Venus, men have natural impulses to solve problems, not listen to them.2 When your wife is suffering from baby wipeout and complaining about her tough day, the urge to fi x the problem is no doubt irresistible, but she just wants you to listen. (Note: by men have natural impulses to solve problems, not listen to them.2 When your wife is suffering from baby wipeout and complaining about her tough day, the urge to fi x the problem is no doubt irresistible, but she just wants you to listen. (Note: by "fi x the problem" we do not mean ship the baby off to the in-laws until he can feed himself.) We know you want to help. We know you mean well. But it's just not helpful when you suggest that, maybe, the crying baby your wife has been rocking for the past hour is hungry. (She's probably already thought of that one, Sherlock.) It's not helpful when you tell your exhausted wife that she'd be less tired if she didn't check on the baby every thirty minutes.

(She'd be less tired if you'd take a night shift once a week.) In her mind, your suggestions mean that she's not up to the task of figuring out her baby. There is nothing that upsets a new Mom more than questioning her There is nothing that upsets a new Mom more than questioning her maternal abilities. maternal abilities. She just wants you to listen and offer understanding. She just wants you to listen and offer understanding.

Baby . . . Boom!

55.A Brief Lesson in Empathy Your wife says: "I'm so tired. Taking care of this baby is really draining."

You say: Nothing. Look her in the eye. Nod your head in agreement.

Make some sounds that indicate you're listening. Murmur rea.s.suringly, "I know it must be hard. You're a great Mom."

That's pretty much it.

Gimme an "M"! Gimme an "O"! Gimme an "M"!: The Power of Praise The Power of Praise Another unnatural act we're going to suggest you perform: that of cheerleader. No one is tougher on herself than a new Mom. More than anything else your wife needs to hear "you're fantastic," "you're amazing at this," "(insert baby's name) is lucky to have you as a Mom." You need to be her one-man pep squad.

Cathy once turned up for her daughter's four-month checkup one day late-right time, wrong day-and called Mike from the parking lot, sob-bing that she was a terrible mother. He said just the right thing, "Don't worry, you're doing great." When a new Mom has one of those moments, the "I can't do this" feelings can be overwhelming.

So many accomplished women told us that the most important praise they ever received was, "You're a great mother." We need to hear those words on an almost daily basis in the newborn stage. And we need to hear them from you. You are the only other person who loves this child as much as we do. At the end of the day, no one is better qualified to tell us that we're doing a good job.

Just Fake It If empathy and cheerleading just aren't your thing, then it's time to pretend. We all have those times in life when we just suck it up and fake it.

You don't like your boss at work because you think he's a complete idiot?

You just put on your happy face for eight hours a day. Your mother-in-law comes through the door in all her glory and talks your ear off? You don 56 56 that sincere look that says, "Hey, just fascinating." When you think your wife is behaving like a lunatic and you don't understand why she is so upset that she bought the wrong diaper size, just fake it. Look concerned, make soothing noises, and just tell her she's an amazing Mom.

The Payoff Finally. What's in it for you? Thought we'd never get here, didn't you?

Number One: You get to be a hero. You don't actually have to do that much to look like a total champ.

Number Two: Your kid will be better off.

Number Three: When you make an effort to help your wife, and to understand where she is coming from, you will put her in an appreciative frame of mind. She'll likely be more open to understanding your needs, if you get our drift. Maybe not as soon as you would like, but hey, better late than never.

Some of this new father stuff will not come naturally to you, though you might be surprised at how much actually does. We mourn the pa.s.sing of your old life with you. (We lost ours, too, you know. . . .) Will you miss it? Absolutely. Will you learn to love your new one? Absolutely. And most men, no matter how much they complain, will say it's the best trade they ever made.

T H R E E.

What's the Score?

The Post-Baby Battle of the s.e.xes "I am always in the doghouse. That's the baseline. I walk in the door at the end of the day and say, 'Hi, Honey, I'm home. I'm sorry.' "

-Chris, married 8 years, 2 kids "It's not very difficult to keep score: fifteen to me and zero to him."

-Maggie, married 7 years, 3 kids So who has it tougher in your house? Who's working harder? Who's giving up the most? When we become parents, domestic responsibilities explode. Financial pressures increase. The pace is relentless. Not surprisingly, we start to argue about the division of labor in our homes.

Scorekeeping is an endless t.i.t-for-tat war between husband and wife-an eternal debate over that most fundamental of all philosophical questions: is an endless t.i.t-for-tat war between husband and wife-an eternal debate over that most fundamental of all philosophical questions: "Who's on bath duty tonight?"

There's more to this chapter, however, than who's doing what. It's about the collision of expectation and reality. It's about the state of modern marriage and whether the ideal of a true partnership can ever be attained. It's a snapshot of where we are as a generation and a society, and what we think about the roles of women and the roles of men. Every man and woman we spoke with got ticked off while talking about this subject.

Women argued about the stalled progress of feminism. Men said things like, "More complaining. I've heard all this c.r.a.p before!" Talk about hit-58 ting a raw nerve. Phew! At times we wondered if our collective gray matter was up to the task of writing about it.

Expectation vs. Reality Scorekeeping is evidence of the modern-day battle of the s.e.xes on the home front. Why, oh why, after all this time, and all this supposed progress, are we still duking it out? Most of us expected equality in our marriages, that our careers would be equally important, and that parenthood would be a joint venture. So why doesn't it feel equal to any of us?

Most women we know feel burdened with the lion's share of the household c.r.a.p after kids arrive, and that is not easy to swallow. We wonder why our share of the domestic pie looks so much bigger than our husband's.

"I don't remember signing a prenup that said that when we had kids, I would take care of them and and all the household c.r.a.p. I thought we were on the same team here." all the household c.r.a.p. I thought we were on the same team here."

-Mary, married 5 years, 2 kids Meanwhile, many men feel their home lives and scant free time are dominated by their wives' demands to take on more of the domestic and child-rearing burdens. They wonder why their contributions, at work and at home, just never seem to be enough.

"The compet.i.tion is on, so on! I feel like a second string JV player going up against Shaquille O'Neal. I am always thirty points behind and I will never catch up."

-Jack, married 7 years, 1 kid We've all wondered, "Is this it?" Is our married life going to be an ongoing debate about this stuff? We all struggle to reconcile our expectations with the reality of marriage and parenthood. This struggle serves as a backdrop, and adds tremendous fuel to the fire, of our division of labor scorekeeping.

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What's the Score?

59.Slam Dunk How the Game Is Played On any given weekend in thousands of homes across America, wives stand in front of their husbands listing all of the selfless acts they have performed in the last week: "I paid all the bills, bought a birthday present for your your mother, read mother, read Goodnight Moon Goodnight Moon five times, took four six-year-olds to Chuck-E-Cheese . . . and that was just Tuesday. . . ." five times, took four six-year-olds to Chuck-E-Cheese . . . and that was just Tuesday. . . ."

The husbands return fire: "Excuse me, but did I not make the kids breakfast every morning last week, including the morning it made me late for my presentation, when I really should have gone in early? And And I picked up the dry cleaning without being asked, I picked up the dry cleaning without being asked, and and I did bath duty three times last week. What more do you want?" I did bath duty three times last week. What more do you want?"

A volley of personal accomplishments and sacrifices ensues. Not exactly what we thought life would be like when we eyed each other across the room all those years ago, is it? We both end up angry and defensive, 60 60 each convinced that we have it tougher. Some people are habitual scorekeepers. Some people just do it occasionally. But we all do it.

Sometimes our low-stakes spatting game escalates into all-out combat. Men wage a sort of guerrilla warfare, where acc.u.mulating positive points is always a hit-or-miss affair. Women draw upon a major a.r.s.enal of weaponry. Our bazookas. .h.i.t the target again and again, but for reasons we will explore later in this chapter, we never quite seem to get what we want.

Both sides are convinced that they are right and will up the stakes to prove their point. Women, men tell us, will pull out a list of his "priors"

lest there be any doubt as to who is in the wrong. Often men are not equipped to retaliate effectively. Our friend Brad says, "It's like I am trying to make my point with a peashooter and she has a missile launcher and is just wiping up the floor with me. I can't win." He says, "I got up with the kids on Tuesday." She responds, "Well, I got up with the kids every morning for the last three weeks, other than that one Tuesday."

Faced with such superior weaponry, men choose to retreat, but they do do not not concede defeat. concede defeat.

The bottom line: n.o.body wins this war.