Babyproofing Your Marriage Part 19

Remember the fi ner things. It's all that c.r.a.p you can't stand, but used to do because it got you laid (same principles still apply): writing a note, initiating a "deep and meaningful." It's all that c.r.a.p you can't stand, but used to do because it got you laid (same principles still apply): writing a note, initiating a "deep and meaningful." It's always the thought It's always the thought that leads straight to a woman's heart (and other vital body parts). that leads straight to a woman's heart (and other vital body parts).

If you are a bas.e.m.e.nt dweller, step into the light. Explore the possibility that life upstairs with your family at bedtime might be better than the one you have created for yourself underground. Withdrawing won't help your cause. Explore the possibility that life upstairs with your family at bedtime might be better than the one you have created for yourself underground. Withdrawing won't help your cause.

Do the domestic c.r.a.p. Do what needs doing and give yourself a gold star just for being such a champ. Do what needs doing and give yourself a gold star just for being such a champ.

Virtuous Acts for Women *

Implement the Five-Minute Fix. Warning Warning: if you are deep into a No s.e.x Vicious Cycle, it might take you five minutes a day for an entire week to extricate yourself. But, as our friend Ellie said, "If you just need your asparagus patch weeded, it won't take long." (She really does have an asparagus patch in her backyard! This is not some weird s.e.xual innuendo, we swear!) 260.

Implement the Training Weekend. Maybe he just doesn't get it. He doesn't realize how hard it is or how much there is to do. This eliminates nagging. They do, therefore they understand. Maybe he just doesn't get it. He doesn't realize how hard it is or how much there is to do. This eliminates nagging. They do, therefore they understand.

Leave the house a mess for forty-eight hours. If the nagging or debating about the division of labor has reached fever pitch, cut and run. Eat out, or eat on paper plates, for a two-day cool down period. If the nagging or debating about the division of labor has reached fever pitch, cut and run. Eat out, or eat on paper plates, for a two-day cool down period.

Retrieve your bas.e.m.e.nt dweller (if you dare). Venture down there and spend a couple of hours playing video games/watching sports or sharing in Venture down there and spend a couple of hours playing video games/watching sports or sharing in whatever whatever activity it is that he does down there. activity it is that he does down there.

Praise something about him. Find something to thank him for. Anything. Washing a fork. Combing his hair. Remembering to zip his fl y. Find something to thank him for. Anything. Washing a fork. Combing his hair. Remembering to zip his fl y.

Tell him what you want. Guys told us loud and clear: "I hate having to guess what she wants." If he knows what you want him to do, he'll generally do it. Make your expectations and desires clear. Guys told us loud and clear: "I hate having to guess what she wants." If he knows what you want him to do, he'll generally do it. Make your expectations and desires clear.

Virtuous Acts for Both of You *

Talking. Ask, "How are you, Babe?" or otherwise break the silence. Ask, "How are you, Babe?" or otherwise break the silence.

Listening. Turn off all electronic gizmos (this includes televisions, iPods, computers, Crackberries, and cell phones, for those of you who think those things are actually bodily appendages) for an entire evening. Turn off all electronic gizmos (this includes televisions, iPods, computers, Crackberries, and cell phones, for those of you who think those things are actually bodily appendages) for an entire evening.

Change the setting. Get out of the house if it has become a battlefi eld. Get out of the house if it has become a battlefi eld.

Meet your spouse downtown after work. Try a new restaurant for dinner or a new park for a walk.

Give surprise Get Out of Jail Free Cards. Unexpected personal time can boost anybody's sagging spirits. Or you could give yourself a break, too, by organizing the child care and then doing something together. Unexpected personal time can boost anybody's sagging spirits. Or you could give yourself a break, too, by organizing the child care and then doing something together.

Practice role reversal. If you always do the same ch.o.r.es and are sick of them, trade places for a week. He cooks dinner and she mows the lawn-or, if your marriages are like ours, vice versa. If you always do the same ch.o.r.es and are sick of them, trade places for a week. He cooks dinner and she mows the lawn-or, if your marriages are like ours, vice versa.

Balancing Priorities 261.

And finally, the most virtuous of all acts, and the most necessary if you are in a cycle of extreme self-neglect or anger: *

Accept responsibility. Maybe it's not all your spouse's fault. If you're unhappy about something, maybe it's self-neglect or harboring an att.i.tude that aggravates the situation. Maybe it's not all your spouse's fault. If you're unhappy about something, maybe it's self-neglect or harboring an att.i.tude that aggravates the situation.

"How many of us stop to ask ourselves, 'Maybe I'm the problem?

Maybe I need to fix myself not the environment.' When two people have that approach, a marriage will work."

-Elise, married 38 years, 4 kids, 3 grandkids (divorce attorney) attorney) Taking a proactive, "hmm, what can I do?" (as opposed to an accusatory, "why doesn't he/she just . . .?") approach is one of the best things we can do for our marriages.

Wow, we can see your halo glowing from here.

Step Four: What Should Give?

"I accept that right now the children need and deserve a huge amount of time, but it's only for a short period, and it's been such a wonderful experience that I wouldn't begrudge it for anything. I am very focused on being a good husband and a good Dad and spending time with my family. I just wish I could find a way to make some time for myself without feeling selfi sh."

-Joseph, married 7 years, 2 kids Now we understand that we cannot squeeze round pegs into square holes.

We know we have to prioritize. There are two things we can let go of that will make more time for the things we need: harboring unhealthy att.i.tudes and striving too hard for perfection.

Att.i.tude Is Everything The three of us are not life coaches here, but as far as those 'tudes go, we can all at least be aware of them and consider whether or not they are contributing to our general unhappiness. As Todd put it, "You basi-262 cally have to reorient yourself after you become a parent. Your happiness comes from different things than it used to." (What a lovely sentiment . . .

It sounds much nicer than "this is the 'kick in the a.s.s' part.") "Perfectionism Is the Voice of the Oppressor."4 Perfection is a myth, and it is certainly not worth having at the expense of forgetting we already have everything we need to be happy. We don't live in a magazine. We live in our aging, leaky house with our aging, nagging/withdrawing spouse, and our noisy children who will one day leave home and forget to call us.

"So many women worked so hard to get women out of the kitchen, to get away from this notion that a woman's worth is tied to how her house looks. And now it seems like we are pushing ourselves right back to the place that they ran away from."

-Justine, married 6 years, 2 kids "I'm trying to master the art of blowing things off. I have to tell myself that it's OK that the spare bedroom is not going to be decorated for four years, that it's OK to have a dinner party with pizza and beer. I'm learning to prioritize. I'm learning to let go."

-Sarah, married 7 years, 2 kids Mothers for a Saner Life "There is no way to be a perfect mother, and a million ways to be a good one."

-Jill Churchill, writer In an effort to bring some sanity to our own lives we talked to a child psychologist about the extreme parenting phenomenon. This was his response: "Parents want to give their kids an edge by putting them in all these activities. What they don't seem to realize is that the best edge they can give them is gained by sitting down with them Balancing Priorities 263.

at the dinner table, just being with them, just hanging out as a family. Kids who are truly secure in themselves have the real edge. Ultimately that's what's going to make them a success."

We all want what's best for our kids. But perhaps, before we sign up for more work, we should make sure that the return on an activity is worth the blood, sweat, and tears of our investment. The three of us now apply the following common sense test (whether it is planning a birthday party, adding another activity, or agreeing to partic.i.p.ate in the school bake sale): A. Is this really going to benefit my child, me, or my marriage? ( If the answer is no, we say no. If the answer is yes, we move on to question B. If the answer is no, we say no. If the answer is yes, we move on to question B. ) B. If I do this will I complain about it later? ( ) B. If I do this will I complain about it later? ( If the answer is yes, we don't If the answer is yes, we don't do it. If the answer is no, we go to question C. do it. If the answer is no, we go to question C. ) C. Is there a less painful way to make it happen? ( ) C. Is there a less painful way to make it happen? ( For example, buy, don't For example, buy, don't bake cookies for the school; trade off driving responsibilities with another bake cookies for the school; trade off driving responsibilities with another Mom, etc. Mom, etc. ) ) Or, as Pam put it, "You have to be strong enough to set priorities in life- just say no."

Family time is where it's at. We can give our kids every bit of a design-er lifestyle, but most of them are more interested in just being with us.

Think back to your own childhood. What did you care more about? Getting Steve Austin, The Six Million Dollar Man, for Christmas, or reading 'Twas the Night Before Christmas 'Twas the Night Before Christmas with your parents? OK, you wanted Steve Austin. But what do you remember now, as an adult? It's the vague with your parents? OK, you wanted Steve Austin. But what do you remember now, as an adult? It's the vague "we made cookies and went to Aunt Betty's and had a big dinner" memories you treasure. Those are the experiences that gave you the security and warm inner glow you needed to grow up into the fine human being you are today. Spanish lessons are great, but the time you spend together doing a thousand inconsequential things is what culminates in a meaningful childhood for your kids. memories you treasure. Those are the experiences that gave you the security and warm inner glow you needed to grow up into the fine human being you are today. Spanish lessons are great, but the time you spend together doing a thousand inconsequential things is what culminates in a meaningful childhood for your kids.

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The BPYM BPYM Call to Inaction Call to Inaction Can't we all just lighten up? One of the reasons we invest so much time pursuing perfection is societal pressure. We're expected (or think we're expected) to live a certain way. But each of us is a member of society; so we have the power to change those expectations. Can't we all just lighten up? One of the reasons we invest so much time pursuing perfection is societal pressure. We're expected (or think we're expected) to live a certain way. But each of us is a member of society; so we have the power to change those expectations.

A Sticker and a Fruit Snack Birthday parties are wonderful and important. There's nothing better than celebrating the day our darling children arrived in our lives, and the fact that we've all survived another year. But things have gotten out of hand. (Stacie is still recovering from that Nemo Nemo bash she put on a few years ago.) If the kid can't remember it, or is likely to sleep through it, they might not be old enough for a party. Get a cake, take a few cute pictures, and consider your job done. And for any age child, when you do have a party, as our friend Theresa said, "The contents of a goodie bag should be a sticker and a fruit snack. Those moms who put lip gloss in them are Satan. My six-year-old got it all over our couch." bash she put on a few years ago.) If the kid can't remember it, or is likely to sleep through it, they might not be old enough for a party. Get a cake, take a few cute pictures, and consider your job done. And for any age child, when you do have a party, as our friend Theresa said, "The contents of a goodie bag should be a sticker and a fruit snack. Those moms who put lip gloss in them are Satan. My six-year-old got it all over our couch."

Join the Revolution Balancing Priorities 265.

A Playdate Is Not an Open House One of us actually went to a playdate with our two-year-old where the hostess mother had filled the house with fresh flowers and made a point of saying she'd done so just for the playdate. We didn't want to buy her house, we just wanted to hang out in it for a couple of hours! Why do we feel compelled to go into Open House Overdrive Open House Overdrive whenever we have friends over? Let's stop cleaning up before playdates and presenting show-palace perfection for our dinner parties. Why not let our friends see that our lives (and houses) are just as chaotic and messy as theirs? Our friend Leslie wishes things could be more casual, "Like when we were in college and people would think it was cool that you had a couch-not whether your pillows were custom-made to coordinate with the love seat." Yeah, those were the days, and we miss them. whenever we have friends over? Let's stop cleaning up before playdates and presenting show-palace perfection for our dinner parties. Why not let our friends see that our lives (and houses) are just as chaotic and messy as theirs? Our friend Leslie wishes things could be more casual, "Like when we were in college and people would think it was cool that you had a couch-not whether your pillows were custom-made to coordinate with the love seat." Yeah, those were the days, and we miss them.

Reflections: A Little Perspective from the Other Side "Going through it, there's nothing funny about it. After you survive it, it's very funny."

-Jerry, married 27 years, 3 kids, 1 grandkid The View from the Weeds The View from the Weeds It's hard to have perspective about this stage of our lives. We are down in the weeds. We can't see too far beyond the next milestone: "Things will be so much easier when he's potty trained/in preschool/making his own lunch/driving a car." Like all of you, the three of us are slap bang in the middle of it. So we looked for that perspective elsewhere-from couples who'd been down this road many years ago. Even though marriage and parenting have changed dramatically in a generation or two, the fundamental experience of adjusting to parenthood remains basically the same.

They found it as shocking as we did. They felt their way along in the dark just like we're doing now.

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The veterans wanted us to understand three things: this is just a stage; it might just be the most difficult one our marriages will go through, but ultimately, sharing the parenting experience will be the biggest reward of our lives. It's good stuff.

The View from the Rearview "Couples need to remember that this is just a season. It will pa.s.s. You will have time and energy for each other again."

-Nancy, married 30 years, 3 kids, 2 grandkids "I remember when my kids were little thinking I might die I was so tired. I do remember that very vividly. But now, when I look back at that time I just remember the good things-how a baby feels in your arms, or the funny things a toddler says. At the time, you don't know how you'll get through it, but after it's over, trust me, you'll miss it like you wouldn't believe."

-Sylvia, married 18 years, 3 kids The Good News: This Is Just a Stage According to those with hindsight, right now we are living just one chapter in the great book that is our marriage. Hard to believe it now, but we'll have decades of sleeping in on Sat.u.r.day morning, reading our news-papers, sipping coffee, and having uninterrupted conversation with our spouse.

Can you imagine a day that doesn't begin with someone screaming and hurling a sippy cup across the kitchen in a wave of toddler fury? A day that pa.s.ses without a single time-out? Julia recently realized things were changing when her five-year-old didn't get any immunizations at his last doctor's appointment. No more shots? It was the beginning of the end of an era.

The kids, we've been told, will get older and quite simply, won't need the same level of care and attention. One pastor told us, "I've counseled hundreds of couples at this stage in their marriages. By the time the youngest child is in first grade, most of these problems seem to disappear."

Balancing Priorities 267.

Married With Kids Journey Before Kids: Starry-Eyed Lovers: 4 Years Baby/Toddler Stage: a.s.s-Kicking Part I 8 Years (Ages 05) Empty Nest: 24 Years School-Age Stage: 8 Years (Ages 613) Teenage Stage: a.s.s-Kicking Part II 6 Years (Ages 1418) (a.s.sumptions: You marry at age 25 and you both live to age 75. You're married for a total of 50 years. You have 3 kids, all born 2 years apart. So the span from birth of the oldest to birth of the youngest is 4 years. Kids are at home for 22 years. It's just the two of you for 24 years.5) Even Better News: This Stage Is Uniquely Difficult, So Hang in There Even Better News: This Stage Is Uniquely Difficult, So Hang in There Most couples we spoke to said transitioning from carefree couple to partners in parenthood, is one of, if not the biggest, tests our marriages will likely face. Don't just take our word for it: some research indicates that women are more likely to suffer depression when they have young children Most couples we spoke to said transitioning from carefree couple to partners in parenthood, is one of, if not the biggest, tests our marriages will likely face. Don't just take our word for it: some research indicates that women are more likely to suffer depression when they have young children than at any other time in their lives than at any other time in their lives, including menopause and the empty nest years.6 "Having young children is the ultimate time of stress in a marriage. It is the most demanding time of life, really, especially for mothers. The teen years are hard, too, but the baby stage is harder because of their total dependency on you. It requires so much time to keep them fed, and so much physical effort to keep them safe. And now, in modern life, with all the things your generation wants to do and have, it is almost impossible."

-Phillip, married 22 years, 2 kids 268.

Maybe, if we can at least intellectualize that this is not it this is not it for the next fi fty years, the diapers and the tantrums (the kids' and your spouse's) won't seem so traumatic. Maybe we can all breathe a sigh of relief and stop freaking out about how our spouse just doesn't get it, and move forward with confidence that things will get easier with time. for the next fi fty years, the diapers and the tantrums (the kids' and your spouse's) won't seem so traumatic. Maybe we can all breathe a sigh of relief and stop freaking out about how our spouse just doesn't get it, and move forward with confidence that things will get easier with time.

Ridin' the Storm Out?

All the long haulers we spoke with stressed that their marriages had gone through cycles-literally, waves of good times and bad. "If you know you married a fundamentally good person, hang on during the tough times; there are better ones around the corner," was their message. We can at least envision this, even if it's hard to see the bend in the road at this stage. It's another message that's supported by some scientific evidence.

A study published in 2002 reported that two-thirds of unhappy marriages right themselves within five years. In fact, seventy-eight percent of people who reported being in "very unhappy" seventy-eight percent of people who reported being in "very unhappy"

marriages said that the marriages were "happy" when they were asked about it fi ve years later. asked about it fi ve years later. 7 7 The Happily Ever After . . .

"Life is not a journey to the grave with intentions of arriving safely in a pretty, well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out and loudly proclaiming . . . Wow! Wow! What a ride!" What a ride!"

-Anonymous One day, in the very distant future, we will look back over our lives.

Our gray-haired gurus reminded us that it will be our children and our spouse that will define what our lives were all about. Whether or not we feel proud of the way we have lived will hinge mainly on our marriage and our parenting. Here's another way to look at it: the work and time Balancing Priorities 269.

we invest in our kids and marriage today will determine what our lives will be like tomorrow.

"Being a parent is the role of your life. It is both the toughest and the most rewarding thing you will ever do. Even with all the worry and the self-doubt, in the end, your world grows as your kids grow, and there's no question that it's worth it."

-Al, married 34 years, 3 kids, 2 grandkids "When you have kids, you and your wife will go to h.e.l.l and back. Your kids will take you there. Looking back, though, it was the 'worst' times, not the 'better' times that made Jackie and me as close as we are today."

-Fred, married 38 years, 4 kids, 10 grandkids "I think I'm a much better person since I became a Mom. I'm more patient. I'm more compa.s.sionate. I know the meaning of selfless love. Those are three of the most important lessons in life, don't you think?"

-Karen, married 30 years, 3 kids "I'm closing in on the final chapters of my life now, and looking back, what has really mattered are my wife and my kids. I've made money, we've been very comfortable, but really it doesn't matter a d.a.m.n compared to my family. It's your family that validates your entire existence."

-Tom, married 42 years, 2 kids, 5 grandkids [image]

E P I L O G U E.

So, Did We Learn Anything?

The three of us started this book with plenty of questions and very few answers. Now, though, we have all the answers and our marriages are perfect in every respect . . .

Hardly.

Let's just say that things have improved enormously, but our marriages are still-and always will be-works in progress. We're happier today than we were two years ago, that's for sure. And leaving aside their occasional high-drama high jinks, " " Whaddaya mean I have to watch the kids again so you can write? What about Whaddaya mean I have to watch the kids again so you can write? What about book- book- proofing this marriage? proofing this marriage? " " our husbands are happier, too (yes, we asked them). Writing this book helped us (and, thanks to osmosis, our husbands) become better navigators of the perilous early-parenthood seas. our husbands are happier, too (yes, we asked them). Writing this book helped us (and, thanks to osmosis, our husbands) become better navigators of the perilous early-parenthood seas.

So after two years, three more kids (one for each of us), hundreds of conversations, and the occasional meltdown, what have we learned?

Sometimes It's Better to Accept the Great Mom/Dad Divide This was a tough one for us. But when you hear the same complaints, as we did, over and over again, "He just doesn't understand how tough it is for me." "Why does she get so upset if I buy the wrong diapers?" you start to see that we want and need different things, and that that's OK. This was a tough one for us. But when you hear the same complaints, as we did, over and over again, "He just doesn't understand how tough it is for me." "Why does she get so upset if I buy the wrong diapers?" you start to see that we want and need different things, and that that's OK.

Compulsive Mom behavior is normal. Shortcut-seeking Dad behavior is normal. Hound-dog husband behavior is normal. Shut-down-the factory 272 272 Epilogue: So, Did We Learn Anything?

wife behavior is normal. Faced with these sorts of unavoidable differences, sometimes the best course of action is to hold our noses and tolerate a few of our spouse's incomprehensible behaviors (her obsessions with bug spray and sunscreen) and demands (his desire for s.e.x on a regular basis).

Action Matters. A lot.

Just accepting that we're different is not really enough, though. We've all got to give a little. Giving our spouse some of the things that he or she really needs, at this stage of our lives, goes such a long way.

* For women, those things are: a husband who thinks and acts like a team member, not an escapee; validation; romance and attention to the finer things; and off-leash time.

* For men those things are: s.e.x, validation, s.e.x, lower standards, s.e.x, being part of the new family unit on their own terms, s.e.x, and off-leash time.

It's Not All His/Her Fault As we wrote this book, we realized that some of the reasons we felt annoyed and/or disappointed had nothing to do with our husbands and everything to do with the books we weren't reading, the exercise we weren't getting, and the friends we weren't seeing. This took a lot of pressure off the marriage. It's up to us to figure out what our "thing" is and make a little time to do it. Obviously, the same goes for the ball and chain sitting next to us on the sofa.

We Are Not Alone Ask anyone how having kids impacted their marriage and watch them roll their eyes at the ceiling with half a grin and half a grimace. We're all in the same boat, which is really rea.s.suring. This stuff is normal. Most of the problems we're having are not personal, but instead universal. What the three of us have taken away from this is the belief that with a little perspective, a handful of strategic actions, and as much good humor as it is possible to maintain on four hours of sleep a night, we can survive these trying years with our marriages and our happiness intact.

Epilogue: So, Did We Learn Anything?

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