Babyproofing Your Marriage Part 14

time.

Ha!

N/A.

Negative-you even dream about working.

Who knows?

20.

You've lost your Half a day watch.

Unless your spouse is a medical professional, 18

36.

you consider leaving them to marry one.

You start hearing the Happy Birthday song in 3X 4X.

your sleep.

When you see anyone, you just nod your head y x 2(A + B + C).

2[(A + B) (C y)]n and act like you know them.

11 (like in This This You need a You need a You turn off your hearing aid.

is Spinal Tap) hearing aid.

6.

8.

You consider investing in dairy stocks.

You have to You have to wait wait for a You don't go out.

for a bigger table.

bigger table.

5 plane tickets, 6 plane tickets, 1 very cramped 2 hotel rooms, 2 You are broke, having spent all your money on hotel room, 2 cabs . . . time to the previous vacation.

cabs, mini-van rent a bus rental Bribery Weddings and Not ever required funerals only 198.

Going from One to Two: You Never Stop Moving In hindsight, taking care of one child was a hobby. Most people told us they'd found the transition from one to two kids a painfully diffi cult one. In hindsight, taking care of one child was a hobby. Most people told us they'd found the transition from one to two kids a painfully diffi cult one.

Everything suddenly turned into a production: getting everyone dressed and out the door is h.e.l.lacious; juggling nap, feeding, and playtime schedules requires both parents to be "on" all the time; and downtime simply evaporates.

"Going from one to two was less about culture shock, because you'd been there before. It was more about the dissolution of whatever organization you had before, the complete disappearance of any rest time/alone time, and the thinning out of communication between you and your spouse. I felt sort of robbed of my last vestiges of sanity, or of my resources to create sanity, when number two came around."

-Margot, married 7 years, 2 kids "We're both on all the time. Two kids require two sets of hands.

One of us feeds the baby, while the other entertains the toddler.

At some point, that toddler gives up her long afternoon nap and wants to replace it with an all-afternoon Candy Land tournament."

-Tina, married 8 years, 2 kids (Authors' Note: A notable minority of people, like Julia, found the ramp-up an easier and more agreeable experience than they expected. Is s.p.a.c-ing a factor? Julia's first was three when she had her second. Stacie and Cathy each had barely coherent toddlers when they had a second. Our main takeaway is that it is the two-in-diapers deal that really rocks your world.) Going from Two to Three: Welcome to the Jungle "Ha!" said those of you with three or more kids as you read that last section. You have no idea what the words "painful transition" really mean until You have no idea what the words "painful transition" really mean until you add a third. you add a third. Three is a whole different deal, a jungle-island, Three is a whole different deal, a jungle-island, Lord of Lord of the Flies the Flies-type of anarchy that comes from being outnumbered by a wild band of tiny people. Stacie and Ross, who have three kids under fi ve, say they feel like Jane and Tarzan, swinging from vine to vine through [image]

Ramping Up and Giving In 199.

Code-Red Chaos their house putting out fires: the teething newborn needs comforting, the two-year-old's artwork needs washing off the wall, and the four-year-old needs help on the potty. You can't imagine it until you're living it. Life with three is Code Red Chaos Code Red Chaos, and it also comes with a healthy dose of social exile, just for good measure.

"When I only had two kids, I thought people with three or more seemed out of control. One of my friends was always talking about piling her three kids in the car and driving around just so she could relax. Now that I have three kids, let's just say I buy a lot of gas."

-Suzanne, married 10 years, 3 kids "My husband and I constantly hurl diapers, pacifi ers, blankies, and sippy cups across the house and up and down the steps. For us, parenting has become an extreme sport."

-Diane, married 9 years, 3 kids Going for Broke: To Infinity and Beyond . . .

At this point, none of us have been brave (?) enough to go for four or more, so we were not qualified to do anything but ask the experts, "What's it 200 200 like?" Typically, they smile stoically and say, "It's chaos, but it's wonderful. We wouldn't have it any other way," as they pry a toy car from their toddler's mouth, grab the baby away from the electric socket, and yell at the other two to stop fi ghting. Wonderful indeed.

"I am one of four children, and I distinctly remember going to school without underpants."

-Cathy, married 7 years, 2 kids "Whenever I tell people how many kids I have-I have six-I get one of two reactions. People either look at me like I am some sort of a crazy religious fanatic or like I have split the atom.

They want to know how we do it, what kind of car we drive, whether or not I work, the ages of each kid. It's hilarious."

-Maura, married 15 years, 6 kids Life in the Family Circus The more kids you have, the bigger the production. You need more food in the fridge, more diapers changed, more bottles washed, not to mention more brain cells to keep up with the kids, naps, and c.r.a.p.

"Just last week, I forgot about our daughter's soccer game and missed the deadline to turn in the preschool registration forms.

When I try to explain myself to people, they all look at me like I'm just a train wreck."

-Annalisa, married 12 years, 4 kids "With three, every hour is accounted for-you even schedule play time with your youngest. You need a spreadsheet three pages long to make sure everyone gets where they need to be on time. I used to be a n.a.z.i about kids napping in their own beds.

I can't do that anymore."

-Marie, married 9 years, 3 kids Ramping Up and Giving In 201.

Two in Diapers "I will never forget the days of sitting on the cold bathroom floor trying to bathe Peter while nursing Ally at the same time.

Nothing can prepare you for that."

-Naomi, married 5 years, 2 kids The sheer volume of work is especially painful for couples who, having waited until their thirties to have their first child, have the second one very quickly afterward. That describes about sixty percent of our friends and two of us. If a first baby is a hand grenade thrown at a marriage, then a newborn and a toddler are a full-frontal a.s.sault, complete with machine guns, heat-seeking missiles, and stealth bombers.

"One night, I came home and my wife was still in her pajamas, with a baby in one arm and a toddler in the other, crying hysterically, 'Why did we ever get married and why did we ever have kids?' "

-Dan, married 9 years, 2 kids Multiples: The Instant Village They are a growing facet of modern-day America, and some of them will scoff at you when you complain that you have two, or fewer, kids in diapers. Julia and Gordon recently counted. They know thirteen couples with twins and five with triplets.

"Only one thought keeps me together when I have a bad day: full-day kindergarten."

-Veronica, married 9 years, 4 kids (3 of whom are triplets) "When the twins arrived, it was a long time before I could even hold a conversation. Any adult thought in my head during their toddler years was put on hold. I was in a permanent state of exhaustion."

-Sonja, married 9 years, 4 kids (twins plus 2 more!) "It's like a little army, a little boot camp. My husband makes the lunches, pours the cereal bowls, and sets out clothes for school 202 202 the next day. I do seven loads of laundry a day. They all need school clothes, play clothes, and their sports clothes, Cloroxed and ready to go."

-Marianne, married 12 years, 5 kids Hey, Where'd Everybody Go?

It's a cruel irony that as the workload and chaos increase, and your need for help escalates, the resources dry up (well, the free resources dry up anyway). The once overbearing grandparent presence in our lives comes to a screeching halt. No one wants to watch two kids because it's just too hard. Our friend Kim, who has three kids, concurred: "We went away for a day and a night and my parents stayed over to watch the kids. When we got home, they were sitting on the sofa in their coats in their coats and couldn't wait to get out of the house. and couldn't wait to get out of the house.

They've never offered to do an overnight again."

Social Ostracism Stacie and Ross noticed that their social life took a nosedive once their third child arrived. Stacie said, "Your friends don't want your chaos in their house, so they don't invite you over anymore. The phone just stops ringing."

Although your Rolodex expands considerably with each child (a three-year-old's social calendar can be astounding), you're not getting out quite as much as you once did, both as a family and with each other.

You can venture out of the house with relative ease when you have two.

Not so easy when the kids outnumber the parents.

"When I was very pregnant with my fourth, I was trying to navigate the stroller through the store while chasing my twins around. The twenty-five-year-old, size-zero salesgirl gave me that look that look, like she couldn't wait for us to clear out of there. I thought to myself, 'Just you wait, honey, you'll get yours.' "

-Selena, married 11 years, 4 kids Ramping Up and Giving In 203.

Free Time: What About Me?

"When we had our daughter, I still had a couple of nights a week to myself. Once we had our son, that was over. The last traces of my freedom were gone."

-Robert, married 12 years, 2 kids "Book Club now feels like an enormous luxury that I can rarely afford. I work full-time, so any free time I don't spend with my kids feels like an extra that needs to be cut."

-Melanie, married 9 years, 2 kids When you have one child, one parent parents while the other does his or her own thing. With the additional demands of more children, it gets harder to carve out any "me time." Not having time to recharge and feed your sense of self is, for many, the real challenge of adjusting to having more kids: "A girlfriend of mine just e-mailed me the other day and said she's grouchy and forgetful and just plain p.i.s.sed right now because her baby has stopped napping at the same time as her three-year-old. I told her that looking back, I really had to grieve grieve for the loss of that last little piece of freedom. Personal time is like a pursuit for the Fountain of Youth, or the Seven Cities of Gold. It's like winning the lottery. If I get it, I feel lucky." for the loss of that last little piece of freedom. Personal time is like a pursuit for the Fountain of Youth, or the Seven Cities of Gold. It's like winning the lottery. If I get it, I feel lucky."

-Ellen, married 9 years, 2 kids Losing these "joie de vivre" activities can also spell trouble for our marriages. Without them, we get emotionally and physically drained. What is left over, we usually give to our kids first. When our internal reserves are low, our threshold for dealing with our spouse's annoying quirks also gets dangerously low. At times, we circle each other like wolves, ready to fight over the sc.r.a.ps of free time that do exist.

"I really wanted to go for a jog last Sat.u.r.day. I feel like I'm getting old and fat. I told my wife I'd be back in an hour and she glared at me. 'When do I get to go for a jog?' she said. I 204 204 didn't go jogging, and we were both ticked off at each other.

n.o.body wins."

-Edward, married 10 years, 3 kids Couple Time: What About Us?

The couple usually takes another hit when a new child arrives. Of course we get a tremendous sense of satisfaction from the mini-empire we are building together, but the time and energy required to work, maintain the house, and care for the brood means that our spouse winds up with little more than our leftovers.

"I look at how we celebrate our anniversary as a yardstick. We used to plan a weekend away. After Jake, it became one night away. Then just dinner out. By the time Parker was born, we just exchanged cards we had bought the day of with a note we'd scribbled in the parking lot."

-Andrew, married 9 years, 2 kids "I can't even keep up with my husband's schedule anymore. Last week, I was expecting him home at the usual time. Come to find out, he was in Boston on business."

-Ellen, married 9 years, 2 kids Our friend Sarah commented that it was the communication between her and her husband that was really affected after they had their second child: "Since all free time was cut out, and we are more tired at the end of the day, we either veg out, try to catch up on things, or go to sleep. Always separately. The last thing we want to do is communicate about the very things that are wearing us into the ground."

We all know that communication is key, but just having a conversation becomes a challenge after adding another kid or two. Even if we're both in the same room, it's hard to hear each other over the din.

When we do get to talk, ninety percent of the time we talk about the kids. While those conversations are necessary, when we relate to each Ramping Up and Giving In 205.

other only only as whoever's parents, it becomes pretty hard to keep the spark alive. A discussion about the best preschool program for your "high-energy" two-year-old doesn't exactly rev anybody up for a night in the sack. as whoever's parents, it becomes pretty hard to keep the spark alive. A discussion about the best preschool program for your "high-energy" two-year-old doesn't exactly rev anybody up for a night in the sack.

And of course, s.e.x can come to a grinding (sorry) halt when everyone is tired. We have not personally met, or heard, of any couple who has more s.e.x after each child. Do let us know if you're out there. Actually, on second thought, don't. Too depressing.

Surrendering to the Madness "Resistance is futile. You will be a.s.similated."

The Borg in Star Trek in Star Trek When faced with more kids we have one of two choices: surrender or die fi ghting.

Having more than one child forces most of us, especially men, to make our family our number one priority. With one child, you don't necessarily have to do that. You can finesse it. You get caught between who you were and who you have to be. We spend our twenties and thirties developing a big sense of self. With more kids, the ident.i.ty we built up as Mr. Super Lawyer or Ms. Big-Shot Mover and Shaker has to shrink to accommodate the new roles of Mom or Dad.

Surrendering is something most of us are not very good at. We're fighters, aren't we? Our surrender is usually preceded by a great struggle: we fight and complain and feel hard done by. We moan, "What happened to my (circle all that apply): waistline, downtime, gym routine (or, if we're feeling really sorry for ourselves), life?" Eventually, however, the overwhelming majority of us yield to parenthood. The signs are everywhere: * We buy a minivan (some men, if finances allow, buy a convertible or a motorcycle to offset the effect of the minivan).

* We join Sam's Club or Costco at the Executive Level.

* There is so much kiddie c.r.a.p all over the house, we think it breeds at night.

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* We move, or are thinking about moving, to the suburbs.

* We (women) get our hair cut . . . short.