Audrey's Door Part 18

She sat in her chair with an exhausted thrump. thrump. Could feel her pulse moving slowly, like the blood inside her was clotting. Remembered vaguely what she'd done to Jayne's lamp and her clothes. Was frightened by it. Could see that she'd become unhinged. But more than all that, she was angry. Could feel her pulse moving slowly, like the blood inside her was clotting. Remembered vaguely what she'd done to Jayne's lamp and her clothes. Was frightened by it. Could see that she'd become unhinged. But more than all that, she was angry.

She opened the drawer, took out a .05 width pen. Line by line, over and over she crossed out every signature on the card. Hungover Craig, who spent five hours every night at The Dead Poet on the Upper West Side, drinking his weight in whiskey, then farting noxious tear gas all day at his cube. Sniveling Jim and his excuses, who bragged about the original Lichtenstein Girl in Bath Girl in Bath hanging in his Park Avenue apartment, like becoming a member of the downwardly mobile, useless cla.s.s was a badge of honor. Jealous Simon. His designs were more soulless than a Gropius, and if not for his dad, he'd be working for Trump. Louis, Mark, Henry, and David, the incompetent quartet. They talked sports half the morning, went on coffee breaks half the afternoon, then whined about how n.o.body ever gave them a shot. Sorry, boys, you were right, layoffs are coming early this year. hanging in his Park Avenue apartment, like becoming a member of the downwardly mobile, useless cla.s.s was a badge of honor. Jealous Simon. His designs were more soulless than a Gropius, and if not for his dad, he'd be working for Trump. Louis, Mark, Henry, and David, the incompetent quartet. They talked sports half the morning, went on coffee breaks half the afternoon, then whined about how n.o.body ever gave them a shot. Sorry, boys, you were right, layoffs are coming early this year.

She scribbled until all that was left was a black card, wet and heavy with ink. Then she pulled down all the things she'd tacked to her cube over the last seven months at Vesuvius. The David Hockney calendar. With her scissors, she clipped it into small pieces that fluttered into the garbage. Next, the New York Times New York Times article about her award. She folded it on itself before she cut, like making tiny snowflakes. Then the picture of her and Saraub at the Long Beach Boardwalk. After the hot-dog lady snapped the photo, he'd hoisted Audrey over his shoulder and charged toward the ocean as if to throw her in. She lifted her pen, and line by line, crossed out his face. Then her face, too. Then kept going until the gloss was gone, and the black seeped through the paper, an indelible stain. article about her award. She folded it on itself before she cut, like making tiny snowflakes. Then the picture of her and Saraub at the Long Beach Boardwalk. After the hot-dog lady snapped the photo, he'd hoisted Audrey over his shoulder and charged toward the ocean as if to throw her in. She lifted her pen, and line by line, crossed out his face. Then her face, too. Then kept going until the gloss was gone, and the black seeped through the paper, an indelible stain.

Her phone rang. Somebody from the 59th Street team, no doubt. Just like Betty had done, they were using her dry. Also like Betty, they wanted more. She imagined grabbing her scissors and snipping the arteries along their necks. Watching the blood gush, the surprise on their ent.i.tled faces. She'd get Randolph and Mortimer, too. Slice them up into little pieces, until they were a heaping carnage collecting flies on the office floor. Paint the walls of this entire building red. Then surprise fickle Saraub at his apartment. He'd betrayed her, and now she would separate her love from bone. Street team, no doubt. Just like Betty had done, they were using her dry. Also like Betty, they wanted more. She imagined grabbing her scissors and snipping the arteries along their necks. Watching the blood gush, the surprise on their ent.i.tled faces. She'd get Randolph and Mortimer, too. Slice them up into little pieces, until they were a heaping carnage collecting flies on the office floor. Paint the walls of this entire building red. Then surprise fickle Saraub at his apartment. He'd betrayed her, and now she would separate her love from bone.

The phone kept ringing. She picked it up. Jill's voice. "Audrey. Could you come by my office?"

Jill, with her phony concern, and her bulls.h.i.t about not making partner because she was a woman. Maybe she just couldn't hack it.

"I need to talk to you."

"Yeah," Audrey said, then hung up and stood.

f.u.c.k Vesuvius. f.u.c.k the rooftop memorial. f.u.c.k the buildings, and cemeteries, and the plaques, and the lilies and cloying baby's breath flowers that piled sky-high, and the mourners who exaggerated their grief because they needed to feel alive. f.u.c.k the widows and their whining and the kids without parents, like the dead hadn't always outnumbered the living. f.u.c.k the holes all over this city, and in her life, too.

She marched, limbs like lead. Her thoughts were all regrets that moved too slowly to register. Valium clotted them like tiny strokes in her brain, so they sparked and died without reaching conclusion: Jayne's hula girl, her clothes, her mother right now, breathing even though she didn't want to, and most of all, 14B. It was doing this to her. It had to be.

Those rational thoughts died as the thing in her stomach suckled and grew. She pictured Jill. Arched brows and stink breath-drink a gla.s.s of water, lady! Imagined tearing her limbs away from her trunk, one by one, then setting what remained on fire. She bristled at the grotesquerie of such a notion, then rea.s.sured herself with the knowledge that she wasn't alone. Surely The Breviary would understand.

Audrey stopped at Jill's office. She squeezed her hands into fists and pounded the door open. The office was expansive. Ten times the size of Audrey's cube. At first she didn't notice Jill standing at the window. All she saw was the view; Ellis Island lit up against Hurricane Erebus, and little matchbox cars on either side of Manhattan's veinlike highways. She imagined lightning striking the highest point, and setting the whole city on fire. Watching it come crashing down. The dust would be a nuclear winter.

There were tears in her eyes. She felt their coldness on her cheeks. These things she was thinking, she hated them.

"I need to talk to you, Jill," she said. Her voice was a few decibels louder than normal conversation, but Jill didn't turn, or even jolt in surprise. Her nose was pressed up against the gla.s.s window while down below, rough waves etched white scars in the water.

She hovered in her boss' doorway, like she'd hovered so many times before, too frightened to speak or call attention to herself, just hoping that after a while, Jill would notice her. She lifted her index fingers beneath Clara's gla.s.ses to wipe the tears away, then wondered: whose sweat suit am I wearing? whose sweat suit am I wearing?

She noticed for the first time that she was holding a pair of scissors. Their sharp twin blades, intended for thick construction paper, were about five inches long. She didn't remember having carried them from her desk, but here they were in her shaking hands, their points exposed as if ready to stab. She dropped them as she stepped inside Jill's office.

"I quit," she said the same moment that the phone rang and drowned out her words. Jill jumped, but she didn't answer it or even turn away from the window. It kept ringing, shrill and jarring. It pierced Audrey's ears and chest and mind. It woke her up, and the slopping thing writhed.

Tears returned. Maybe they'd never left. Her mother in the hospital with iron wings. Saraub gone. He'd abandoned her. This place she lived, The Breviary: it frightened her. She frightened herself.

She kicked the scissors into the nearest corner and tried not to look at them. Then patted her knees, squeezed her hands into fists, bit her lips, imagined the room in its many possible configurations: desk, chair, bookcase, leather couch, two standing lamps, Wallace Neff photos of old Hollywood glamour houses, fancy as Joan Crawford's palace. In the end, she returned everything to where it now rested and decided how Jill had arranged it was best, and that rea.s.sured her. At least someone around here was good at their job.

The phone stopped ringing. Audrey cleared her throat and considered turning tail. Running out of the office, and the building, all the way home to The Breviary.

Jill turned, then jumped. "Audrey," she said. "How long have you been standing there?"

Instead of her usual brown pantsuit, Jill was wearing jeans and a The Who concert T-shirt. The band's logo, the Union Jack, was emblazoned across her chest, and above it in messy red pen, someone had written, The Kids are Alright. The Kids are Alright. Beneath the flag, four names were etched in different-colored marker and handwriting, as if added over years: Beneath the flag, four names were etched in different-colored marker and handwriting, as if added over years: Clemson, Markus, Xavier, Julian. Clemson, Markus, Xavier, Julian.

"I just got here," Audrey said. "I need to talk to you."

Jill gripped the side of her desk and slouched so deeply that she folded upon herself. Audrey surfaced from her own grief long enough to feel sorry for her. She looked exhausted. Then again, you reap what you sow: Who the h.e.l.l has four kids these days, except an egomaniac?

"I need to talk to you, too. I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry about your mother," Jill said. The shirt looked worn, like she'd bought it back in the nineties, when everyone else had been listening to grunge.

Audrey looked out the window. Those scissors. Holy mackerel. What had she been about to do? Kill her boss for sending flowers? "I had to sign the papers to turn off her life support. But I couldn't do it. She's still out there, in Nebraska. Trapped in that bed. My fiance left me, too. I think I was going to tell him I wanted to get back together, but he left me in a deadbeat motel in Lincoln, Nebraska, before I had the chance."

Jill blinked. Her face was pale. Audrey noticed for the first time that the items on her desk were organized in ninety-degree angles. Not a single pen askew. "He left you in a motel?" she asked.

"Yeah. The night after I had my first o.r.g.a.s.m, too. I didn't know they were real, did you?" she blurted this, heard herself, turned red, and lowered her head. But the talking felt good. Less like she was the member of a different species, viewing humans through gla.s.s.

Jill wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. Her eyes got wide. Then something unexpected happened. She laughed. The sound was a quick hiccup. "You never talked about that with anyone?"

Audrey shook her head. The scissors in the corner shone like an accusation, and before she had the time to think about it, she picked them up, and shoved them under a pile of drafts on Jill's desk, so she didn't have to look at them anymore. Jill noted this, but didn't comment. "I don't get out much," Audrey said.

"You're an island," Jill answered.

"I don't want to be. I'm trying."

"You don't have to be."

Audrey sniffled. "Sure. I know." If she looked at Jill sidelong, she didn't think the terrible thoughts. The scissors didn't fly up from under the pile and snip.

"Well, like I said, kiddo. Chin up," Jill said. "I didn't know you wore gla.s.ses."

Audrey adjusted the black frames on the bridge of her nose. "My mother's. She was an opera singer."

Jill nodded. Then she made a strange sound, like a squeaking animal was trapped in her throat. She looked away fast, but not before Audrey saw her ruined expression. Pruned face, knit brows, tight grin just about to crack. Her pain was so deep that it radiated from her in waves.

"Oh, G.o.d," Jill whispered. She held the lower part of her stomach with both hands. Audrey realized that those four names on the T-shirt had to belong to her sons.

"Oh, no," Audrey said.

Jill picked up the cell phone from her desk as if to call someone, then threw it across the room instead. Audrey cringed. It broke into big hunks of black plastic and wires.

"Sorry," Jill said.

Audrey didn't answer. In a way, it rea.s.sured her. Maybe, sometimes, everybody goes a little crazy.

"I have to take a leave of absence. A few days, at least." Jill bent down to collect a piece of the phone, then dug her sneaker into it instead. It broke with a single snap! snap!

"I bought this for him, in case something happened. I hate cell phones. Just another excuse for those a.s.shole brothers to call me at midnight and tell me about their money problems. Maybe if they stopped hiring their relatives, we'd be in the black."

"I'm so sorry," Audrey said.

Jill nodded, then pinched the bridge of her nose until her eyes cleared. "I've got to talk to you about something."

"What?" Audrey asked, quite certain that Jill knew. The scissors. Her apartment. What she'd done to the condolence cards at her cubicle. There was so little, save this job, that kept her tethered to this world.

"The Pozzolanas sold the company to a corporation based in India. They're announcing layoffs at the end of the week."

Audrey's mouth went dry, and she realized, for the first time in a long while, how much she loved her job. How proud she'd been to finally get here, under the big top.

Jill waved her hand. "Oh, no. You're fine. But we're losing some of the team. I had to switch the Parkside Plaza meeting with the Pozzolanas until next Friday, obviously. But I'm taking a leave of absence, and somebody needs to run it. I was thinking Simon Parker." Jill let this statement hang in the air.

Audrey shrugged. "I gave him a job. How did it turn out?"

"Not good. He's not a creative. But I'm out of options. Unless you plan on coming back this week."

"How far along are we since I left?"

Jill shook her head very slowly, to convey the severity of the problem. "Some ideas. At least you got them stepping up. But I haven't been around, and neither have you. There wasn't enough direction...You're good. I should have told you that before now. I see myself in you, though maybe that's not what you want to hear. Want to be a middle manager the rest of your life?"

Audrey took a wary breath. "Not really."

Jill dropped her hands from her temples, turned to Audrey, looked at her for a long while, and grinned very slightly. "Sometimes I want to throw you out a window."

Audrey nodded. "I feel the same way about you."

"Either you do the presentation, or Parker. If the Pozzolanas didn't treat this place like a country club and hire their friends' kids, this wouldn't be an issue. But that's not how they roll. The rest of us do the work for the ones who can't."

Audrey moaned. She thought about all the work she'd done that would be lost if Simon screwed up the presentation, and the client pa.s.sed. AIAB would hire a whole new firm. Jill would lose her promotion. So, for that matter, would Audrey, who was in line for a serious raise next year. No joke before, when she'd been talking to Bethy; her temporary crown was three years old. She needed a dentist. And maybe staying at work was best. Look how she'd acted all morning. Did she really want to go home, to be left with no one but herself, and The Breviary?

"I think I can do it, but I can't promise."

"Good girl," Jill said. "I knew you'd come through. You always do."

Audrey was moved. It had been a long while since anyone had approved of her. "Thanks."

"Just the truth. Oh, right. The other thing." Jill scribbled something on a yellow Post-it, and handed it to Audrey. "My home number. I'm busy, obviously. But if there's something urgent about the job, or if you trash your place again, give me a call."

Audrey's eyes watered. Was this woman her friend, after all? "Oh, stop," Jill said. "I hate tears."

She tried to return Jill's kindness. "What's his name? The one who's sick?" she asked.

"Was," Jill said. "I just got the call." She tried to smile. Her mouth was a piano string pulled tight.

Audrey stifled a gasp. She knew that if she showed any emotion, it would spread through the air like a sneeze, and start Jill crying. "What was was his name?" his name?"

Jill's eyes filled. She wiped them with the heels of her hands, then leaned on the desk, like it was the only thing holding her up. "Julian. After me...People always say you're supposed to face cancer with bravery. Why would they say something like that? What's the difference?"

Audrey's bad thoughts were gone, and so was her anger. It all seemed so small, in the face of Jill's tragedy. "They don't understand illness. That's why. They want to pretend that they're the lucky ones, who'll never get sick or old. They think it's something you can fight when really, like my mom, it's something you have to accept."

Jill's voice cracked. "Yes. I think you're right."

"Julian," Audrey repeated. "A good name."

"And your mother?" Jill asked.

"Betty Lucas," Audrey answered.

"Betty Lucas. I'll remember that," Jill said.

Audrey took a step in Jill's direction. Jill let go of the desk. They stood close. Audrey was the first to reach out. She squeezed Jill's shoulder, and Jill looked down, so her tears were unseen. "Thank you," she sniffled.

Between different women, it might have turned into a hug, but for them, this was just as good. When they separated, they nodded, as if to wish each other luck.

28.

For Whom The Bell Tolls Back at her cube, Audrey swept up the mess of torn papers she'd left on her desk. The gla.s.ses were too heavy for her face and pinched the nub of skin between her eyes, so she took them off and put them in her sweatpants' pocket, then thought better of it and broke them in half. The difference was immediate. Everything appeared brighter, and less like she was viewing the office through a thick gla.s.s aquarium.

Her headache returned, but the pain grounded her and diminished the effect of the Valium. She remembered then, that she'd taken lithium, which, in healthy individuals, can induce temporary psychosis. In individuals with family histories of mental illness, it can permanently alter brain chemistry and cause psychosis. She also remembered that she'd been taking it regularly since Sat.u.r.day. Not so smart.

First thing she did was check messages. About ten were from the 59th Street team, and another five were from the therapists whose appointments she'd missed. The shrink with the Staten Island accent sounded the most annoyed. "It's 6:30, and I'm waitin'!" she'd announced in the first message, and then, ten minutes later. "I'm lookin' at my watch, and it's 6:40!" Street team, and another five were from the therapists whose appointments she'd missed. The shrink with the Staten Island accent sounded the most annoyed. "It's 6:30, and I'm waitin'!" she'd announced in the first message, and then, ten minutes later. "I'm lookin' at my watch, and it's 6:40!"

"I'm looking at my watch, and it's Monday," Audrey grumbled, then returned the call and left a message: "I had a family tragedy, but I'm still crazy and I still need to see you."

On her desk were the blueprints she'd been working on last Monday. They were marred by about a hundred penciled-in doors. It took her a second to remember that she'd been the one to draw them. They were out of character from her usual doodles in that none were uniform. They weren't even all rectangles, but hobbit-shaped warren holes, squares, even five-and six-sided figures. She began to erase them, then stopped and narrowed her eyes. Something interesting. She tacked the entire four feet of plans along the length of her cube wall and stood back to look.

The placement of the doors followed the imprecise pattern of a swirling conch sh.e.l.l. It gave the design a flow, where before it had been rigid. What if the hedges were curved and lowered in the places she'd drawn doors, so that pedestrians could see clear across to the next hedge? This wasn't a maze at all. People would never feel lost inside it, because on tiptoe, they could always find their way out. The varying heights would make the hedges look like they were growing while people walked. A grin spread across her face. A whimsical, cheerful design. For the first time in her career, she'd created warmth!

She pulled the plan down and began to work. She sketched for hours and got lost in it. The feeling was good and returned a sense of normalcy. When she was done, she looked the job over and smiled broadly to reveal a row of unevenly s.p.a.ced pearly whites. The plan was good, exactly what the Pozzolana brothers were looking for. Unless they were drunk, they'd approve it. So would AIAB. Her grin got bigger, stretching ear to ear: hot d.a.m.n!

It was nine at night, and she knew pretty soon she'd have to leave. She thought about Jayne's hula girl, which surely by now she'd seen, and the deflated air mattress, and her clothes. She didn't want to go back to The Breviary. She'd sleep here if she could. But security had gotten tight over the last few months after a couple of laid-off employees broke in and trashed the lobby. After midnight, rent-a-cops patrolled all the cubes, and even the bathrooms.

She decided to delay the inevitable and check her e-mail. Amidst the spam, there wasn't a single note from Saraub. So she composed one: Dear jerk,Thanks for leaving me in a motel room. You probably should have kicked in a few bucks for the bill.

She deleted this, and wrote: Saraub,I was very surprised by your departure, but trust you know what you're doing. Good luck with your film, and all future endeavors.

That one got deleted.

Next, she wrote: I'm slowly becoming possessed by my apartment. So...can I stay at your place while you're gone? I don't have keys anymore. I'm slowly becoming possessed by my apartment. So...can I stay at your place while you're gone? I don't have keys anymore. She erased that, too. Finally she wrote: She erased that, too. Finally she wrote: I miss you. A lot. I miss you. A lot. She pressed She pressed SEND SEND fast, before she reconsidered and deleted it. fast, before she reconsidered and deleted it.

After that, her curiosity got the better of her, and she searched "Breviary apartment building."

The first link led to an archived New York High Society New York High Society article from 1932: "The Secret History of New York through Its Venerable Grande Dames, IV: Chapter four of a six-part series." She scanned the whole thing, and found the sections devoted to The Breviary: article from 1932: "The Secret History of New York through Its Venerable Grande Dames, IV: Chapter four of a six-part series." She scanned the whole thing, and found the sections devoted to The Breviary: In 1857, fifteen coal tyc.o.o.ns had an idea. Instead of traveling to faraway summer homes on Long Island and the Adirondacks, they'd build their own, self-contained community in the hills of Harlem. A grand apartment building sequestered far away from the sewaged streets of Washington Square, and close enough to the bucolic Hudson River for daily swims. They'd have no need to send for kith and kin: they would bring the party with them.They commissioned the popular architect Edgar Schermerhorn to design the building, and he rendered it with his trademark Chaotic Naturalist details, though the building itself was not affiliated with that religion. The Breviary took five years to erect, and its two-degree slant from perpendicular remains a feat of engineering to this day.In the absence of an Episcopalian place of worship, the fifteen requested that a church be built in The Breviary's lobby, and a rectory constructed out of its bas.e.m.e.nt. The Irish immigrants who laid the stones, resentful of a Protestant G.o.d, named their creation "The Dark Church." The name stuck, but its true origin has been forgotten, which is why locals misguidedly claim that the building is haunted.The Breviary was born in turmoil. The "Great Panic of 1857" had led to a decade-long economic depression. The dollar's value dropped. Collapsed land speculation, grain prices, and the manipulation of gold's value drove banks into failure. New York shouldered the brunt of the crisis. Riots, most notably between Bayard Street's Bowery Boys and Five Points' Dead Rabbits, plunged the city into chaos. For weeks, the dead were buried along dirt roads in unmarked graves. Violence spread as far north as the Astor Slums of the Upper West Side. Local and state police could not rout the violent tide. Finally, our dear President Lincoln recalled the nearest Civil War regiment from Bull Run to occupy the city and restore order.Like all storms, the crisis pa.s.sed, and the city recovered, much like we will recover from our own black Tuesday. When Manhattan yawned, stretched, and awoke from its nightmare, it cast its gaze on the dazzling Breviary.By far the most regal edifice of its era, if you walk by it, you'll see that it does not face forward but turns slightly to the west, as if posing coyly for pa.s.sersby. Its limestone is now gray with soot, but its unevenly distributed gargoyles are still sharp as cut gla.s.s. Like the city which it inhabits, its strength is a miracle.Perhaps the most defining aspect of The Breviary is its occupants. Those same fifteen original investors who commissioned the property raised their families on each of its fifteen floors, and it is now their children and grandchildren who reside there. They are members of a genteel and endangered cla.s.s who still leave calling cards and equip their doormen with top hats. They throw parties each Monday evening, hopping from floor to floor in the small town that is their building. Many of them attended Yale, Harvard, Radcliffe, or Bowdoin before returning home and wedding each other. Each year at their annual New Year's Eve Ball, they raise money for the neighbourhood homeless, and on winter Sundays, they set out a pot of spiced rum, which they serve to the needy.Reflective of the city in which it resides, The Breviary has not only survived the precarious environment of its birth, but thrived. We are New Yorkers, after all; we will always endure. So if you're in the neighbourhood, you ought to say h.e.l.lo to the residents of the Dark Church of Harlem, and remember that you are one of them!

Reading that, Audrey sighed with relief. So, "dark" meant "Protestant." She could live with that. It made sense that The Breviary's inhabitants were weird. All native New Yorkers are weird. Lock them in the same apartment building for 150 years, and weird easily turns inbred and crazy.

It was late. The pills had worn off and left her exhausted and depressed. She'd gone a little bananas. Not so surprising given the stress and self-medicating, but nothing twelve hours of sleep couldn't cure. She almost closed the link and went home to 14B. But she'd already clicked on the first link, and there were nine left on the page. She didn't like leaving things undone. It was the same as leaving things open. She clicked the second link and her smile drowned.

The article was a personal history piece from the New Yorker New Yorker magazine, written by an author whose name sounded familiar: Agnew Spalding. He'd been involved in some kind of scandal, she thought, but couldn't remember the details. She didn't want to read it, but she knew that if she closed the application on her screen, her imagination would invent something even worse. magazine, written by an author whose name sounded familiar: Agnew Spalding. He'd been involved in some kind of scandal, she thought, but couldn't remember the details. She didn't want to read it, but she knew that if she closed the application on her screen, her imagination would invent something even worse.

The article read: UP IN THE OLD BREVIARY: ONE WRITER'S ENDINGI've read these personal histories before. They're pretentious and self-indulgent. My avid readers have come to expect more from me than droll hat tricks, so it was with some reluctance that I agreed to write this article. Let's hope I do a better job than my ill.u.s.trious predecessors. The bar, at least, warrants no high jump. I'll try not to mention my ethnic peculiarities, cold father, or first s.e.xual experience-disastrous, incestuous, or otherwise.I was born in Wilton, Connecticut, in 1961, and educated locally, then attended Brown University before moving to my final resting place, Manhattan. Though not a native New Yorker, I've been here long enough to act like one. I can't drive a car; my license elapsed long ago. I can't countenance waiting for anything; even my dry cleaning has to be delivered. I like my lattes with extra foam and 2% milk, but not skim, and I prefer Indian cuisine to Thai and Senegalese. In short, I'm an a.s.s. But there are worse fates for mice and men.I don't visit Wilton often. Its wide-open s.p.a.ces exacerbate my agoraphobia. I'm unaccustomed to big blue skies and streets without numbers. Old family friends and neighbors, barely recognizable now, walk with canes and stumped gaits that remind me too much of the pa.s.sage of time. I'm told that the Wilton I write about bears little resemblance to the genuine item. In my books, kids wear bell bottoms, movie ushers check identification to prevent fifteen-year-olds from entering R-rated movies, mothers stay at home to raise their children, and fathers commute on the 7:08 express to Grand Central Station to earn their families' daily bread. It's not an ideal place to live, but it's predictable, and its values and taboos are clearly defined.Between my dream Wilton and the real thing are the embellishments of nostalgia. I cannot say which details are true any longer and which are suspect. Perhaps, retroactively, I'm constructing my ideal childhood and tacking it over the one that did not measure up. Together, they are a new fabric. Both visible. And like the boy on the rocking horse who wishes hard enough, both true.I'd go back to that dream place if I could, just to poke around. But it seems that's impossible. And so, instead, I live on 113th Street in Manhattan. My nine-and eleven-year-old girls share a cramped bedroom, attend Columbia Prep, and quote the Street in Manhattan. My nine-and eleven-year-old girls share a cramped bedroom, attend Columbia Prep, and quote the Reader's Digest Reader's Digest versions of Heidegger printed in their English textbooks. I doubt they understand it, but I'm a.s.sured by their teachers that comprehension is not the point. They don't understand their favorite pop star's mental breakdown either, do they? But they still discuss it, and her heroin tracks, as if she is one of their friends. I'm often astounded when I hear their dinner-table chatter about one boy's father, who is in jail for tax evasion, the girl who removed her shirt in front of two male schoolmates for a fee of $5, and how they've given up b.u.t.ter, because it's too fattening, even though, ringing wet, neither of them comes close to a buck. They are small adults in children's bodies. Who would have guessed that the democratization of information would also democratize maturity? We're not in Wilton, anymore, Toto. versions of Heidegger printed in their English textbooks. I doubt they understand it, but I'm a.s.sured by their teachers that comprehension is not the point. They don't understand their favorite pop star's mental breakdown either, do they? But they still discuss it, and her heroin tracks, as if she is one of their friends. I'm often astounded when I hear their dinner-table chatter about one boy's father, who is in jail for tax evasion, the girl who removed her shirt in front of two male schoolmates for a fee of $5, and how they've given up b.u.t.ter, because it's too fattening, even though, ringing wet, neither of them comes close to a buck. They are small adults in children's bodies. Who would have guessed that the democratization of information would also democratize maturity? We're not in Wilton, anymore, Toto.In my idealized family life, my wife and I would dress for dinner, discuss lofty intellectual quandaries with our children, and after tucking them into bed, would sit quietly while listening to Wagner and nursing a scotch. The scotch part being essential. Instead, I spend most evenings at the computer while my wife returns phone calls. She wears one of those phones that plugs into her ear, so when she talks, I sometimes forget, and wonder if she's having a schizophrenic break. Who could blame her? She's an event planner and answers at least two hundred e-mails a day.We don't use our kitchen to cook. We reheat. Last night, after the kids went to sleep, we watched television. The program was not Masterpiece Theatre, Masterpiece Theatre, but a reality celebrity drug rehabilitation show starring washed-up has-beens in all their drug-addled glory, their problems neatly resolved in one-half hour. We learned that the comedian from an 00's sitcom enjoyed his crack from a pipe, while the child star from that same show preferred her self-destruction via s.e.x trade. Was a love connection in the cards between these crazy kids? Would they live happily ever after and drug-free, or, more likely, when the camera faded, and the limelight to which they are addicted ceased to shine, would they crawl back to their former slop heaps, only to make the news once more, this time with the story of their overdoses. Who can resist such t.i.tillation! but a reality celebrity drug rehabilitation show starring washed-up has-beens in all their drug-addled glory, their problems neatly resolved in one-half hour. We learned that the comedian from an 00's sitcom enjoyed his crack from a pipe, while the child star from that same show preferred her self-destruction via s.e.x trade. Was a love connection in the cards between these crazy kids? Would they live happily ever after and drug-free, or, more likely, when the camera faded, and the limelight to which they are addicted ceased to shine, would they crawl back to their former slop heaps, only to make the news once more, this time with the story of their overdoses. Who can resist such t.i.tillation!Bradbury and Debord alike admonished us not to spy on our neighbors, but to learn their names. And yet, we've installed cameras in practically every room of our homes, voluntarily. I cannot help but wonder if Warhol's fifteen minutes, now truncated to fifteen seconds, signals the death knell of the human mind. Where once, it interpreted and recognized patterns, now it regurgitates without comprehension.The modern world is defined by absence. Religion, family, work, and even our American nationality have lost currency. Instead of finding suitable replacements for the vacuum their loss has created, we deny that they are ailing and cling to their rotting remains, quite aware of the paradox, the hypocrisy, the inevitable corruption. In 1966, Time Time magazine asked, "Is G.o.d Dead?" Now the question is rea.s.suringly quaint: it a.s.sumes G.o.d once existed. magazine asked, "Is G.o.d Dead?" Now the question is rea.s.suringly quaint: it a.s.sumes G.o.d once existed.It is the nature of a vacuum to be filled. Our government drops more bombs on more countries every year. Our friends, undependable and temporary, make poor subst.i.tutes for our broken families. We are taught that it is our patriotic duty to consume, and so we fill our leisure time with the pursuit of more and better leisure. Our malls have become our churches.And so I return to the apocalyptic social critics of the 1930s, who've fallen into obscurity over the last few decades, and wonder if their prognostications might have been correct, after all. Perhaps there is a reason for the obesity, and the lawsuits, and the war-waging that erodes our Roman walls. Easy gratification has stunted our development and rendered us eternal adolescents. We find the old and sick distasteful, and so sequester them from our sight. In their absence, we've become so accustomed to having our way that we cannot even perceive our own deaths.Our wealth has prevented us from having to sacrifice, or even choose. And in the end, what separates us from animals, save choice?It is with these cheering thoughts that, like Joseph Mitch.e.l.l before me (though I flatter myself by the comparison), I lie awake some nights and ponder my mortal coil. The bells of St. John the Divine attend my thoughts, chiming the hour, and I examine the unexamined until it frightens me so dearly that I must surrender to my insomnia, and rouse. My perambulations lead me always to the same place. First the church, and then, The Breviary.For those who've never seen it, The Breviary is a marvel of gargoyles and hand-carved stone. Among the rest of the modern gla.s.s condominiums on the block, its sooty facade and westward orientation appear like a twisted, blackened tooth along a gleaming white smile. Even the inside of the place, though its windows are high and ma.s.sive, is dark.On more than one occasion, its kind, white-gloved doorman has permitted me entrance to its lobby, and I've sat in one of its red velvet chairs and read a book until dawn. I can't explain why, but its splendor has always made me feel a little closer to the world I wish I inhabited. A fork in the road forty years ago, that would have led to a life, a world, quite different.It was with a heavy heart that I greeted the news of the Clara DeLea tragedy. I am no innocent to history or human nature. Still, that monstrous act unmoored me. We live in civilized times. We say please and thank you and wipe our faces and a.s.ses. Not even our household pets can stand the sight of their own excrement, and yet this woman murdered her own blood. I wanted to know under what circ.u.mstances she could do such a thing. I began looking at my wife and daughters differently, at the very notion.I researched DeLea and found few answers. A history of alcoholism and depression, but I'm in no position to cast stones on either account. She'd never been committed, voluntarily or otherwise. I ran out of things to investigate, so I turned my gaze to the gargoyled creature that had greeted me twice a day, and often in the late evening, for thirteen years.There are so many remarkable buildings in New York that The Breviary is often overlooked. Few guidebooks mention it, and almost no one but an art history major could identify its design as Chaotic Naturalism. Nonetheless, it is surprising that it has not achieved a cult following, if not for its design, then for its history.Completed in 1861 in the farmland of what was once Harlem Hills, The Breviary was commissioned by a group of nascent coal prospectors with money to burn. Their incomes increased exponentially during the Civil War, when coal was the only available power source. They provided it to both sides, and though they were charged with treason, the allegations never stuck. By the 1870s, most of them had shown the good sense to start digging for Texas black gold.The Breviary's architect, Edgar Schermerhorn, led an infamous career. He designed eighteen buildings. All but one were unsound and eventually condemned. Born in Forest Hills, Queens, his training ground was eastern Europe, and when he returned to Boston and New York, he brought the new school of Chaotic Naturalism back with him. After designing his one success, The Breviary, he went on to construct plans for several slaughterhouses in lower Manhattan that would later be proven inhumane. Under his tutelage, the animals were disemboweled. Screaming, they circled the small stables until they bled to death.Schermerhorn was quoted saying that The Breviary's design did not come from him, but rather, through him. He dreamed it, and when he woke, on his bedside table, were its plans, already drawn. Every effort to reproduce those plans, aside from The Breviary, resulted in disaster.The building got its name Dark Church, not, as some would believe, because the Irish Catholics, who hauled its mortar resented that its main floor was an Episcopalian Church, but because of what happened after that. In 1886, Edgar Schermerhorn hanged himself from a rafter above the church altar. The noose didn't hold, and he descended thirty feet. The blood from his cracked skull flowed west along the building's two-degree slant. A year later, his wife was quoted in the New York Tribune New York Tribune saying that whenever she looked inside The Breviary's stained-gla.s.s eyes, the madness of its maker peered back at her. "Like a mollusk trading sh.e.l.ls," she'd said, "He fell so in love with his own creation that he climbed inside it." saying that whenever she looked inside The Breviary's stained-gla.s.s eyes, the madness of its maker peered back at her. "Like a mollusk trading sh.e.l.ls," she'd said, "He fell so in love with his own creation that he climbed inside it."For those unschooled in backwoods superst.i.tion, such acts render a church unsanctified. Though I'm not a religious man, it does bear noting that the church was never blessed after Schermerhorn's death, though it continued to host Chaotic Naturalist ma.s.ses, a religion its tenants converted to, through the 1970s. It now serves as the lobby in which I now sit and write this article.Over the years, scandal has plagued the building. In 1916, a doorman who lived in the bas.e.m.e.nt went missing. Two weeks later his body was dug up by a stray dog foraging for food on the grounds that are now St. John the Divine. The original owners of the building did not fare much better. Of the fifteen men and their families occupying its corresponding fifteen floors, only seven survived the Great Depression. The stock market collapse was partly to blame for the suicides, which were a monthly event. The mode most frequently employed was flights out windows, but there were also medicinal overdoses, drownings (DeLea was not the first to engage a tub for her deeds), hangings, slit wrists, and fatal gunshot wounds (two to the head, and one, improbably, to the groin). The vacancies these deaths created allowed those who remained to spread like mold and take over the rest of the building.On average, 1 in 125 people commit suicide. That number varies by year, but has essentially remained the same over the last century. In New York, the odds are slightly higher: 1:86. In The Breviary, that average is 1:10. Think about that. Since its erection, 2,320 people have lived there. Many moved away. Some stayed. 232 killed themselves. Another 109 were murdered.There are theories that suicide is genetic. It carries like hemophilia through families. William Carlos' article in Popular Science Popular Science cites two specific genes for self-harm, and his research is currently under consideration at universities across the country. The families who erected The Breviary still own it. Save for the occasional rentals, the same blood lives there now as has always lived there, and it is possible, given their lineage, that they are all distantly related to each other and carry the suicide gene. cites two specific genes for self-harm, and his research is currently under consideration at universities across the country. The families who erected The Breviary still own it. Save for the occasional rentals, the same blood lives there now as has always lived there, and it is possible, given their lineage, that they are all distantly related to each other and carry the suicide gene.My own family, for example, is thick with the blight. In 1968, my grandfather, Thomas Spalding, shot himself with his own revolver like a coward. My mother, who adored him, discovered his gore. In 1973, my sister Carrie, a high-school freshman and gold-medal high jumper, walked in front of a Metro North train on its way to Manhattan. I made oblique reference to it in my third novel, and some critics have postulated that her death is the impetus behind all my fiction. I should correct that here by saying, it's not the act that motivates me, but the mundaneness with which she drank her pulpless orange juice that morning and slung her backpack over one shoulder. In my memory, she turned back after she smiled good-bye, as if she'd changed her mind, and wanted to say more, but had no means by which to express herself. She'd looked to me, the writer, to express it for her.It is the empty coffin that haunts me, because her remains were washed off the third rail with a fire hose. It is the life she could have led that haunts me, and the possibility, like Clara DeLea, that she knew something I did not. There is a secret there, unfathomable. Possibly divine. I see it every time I pa.s.s The Breviary's thick walls, or think of September 1973, when the world was new, and the siren call of train whistles made me think of travel and not tragedy.When the New Yorker New Yorker requested that I write my personal history, it started me wondering about the trajectory of my life, real and imagined. I have offspring; ten books and two girls. My third wife I are well matched. But still, I wish Carrie had never taken that graceless leap. If she'd lived, I might have stayed in Wilton and lived a different, more contented life. Instead, I try to tell her story, an endeavor doomed from inception that has made me a restless man, unable to make his own peace. If I'm to be honest, none of my dreams turned out like I expected, and my greatest disappointment is myself. requested that I write my personal history, it started me wondering about the trajectory of my life, real and imagined. I have offspring; ten books and two girls. My third wife I are well matched. But still, I wish Carrie had never taken that graceless leap. If she'd lived, I might have stayed in Wilton and lived a different, more contented life. Instead, I try to tell her story, an endeavor doomed from inception that has made me a restless man, unable to make his own peace. If I'm to be honest, none of my dreams turned out like I expected, and my greatest disappointment is myself.It occurs to me that my sister and the tragic inhabitants of The Breviary had the gift of sight. They saw that fork in the road forty years ago that the rest of us missed, and the paradise lost. They perceived the end of mankind and grew weary of waiting.I've been walking past The Breviary more and more lately. I'm drawn to it. Given all that has happened there, I entertain fancies that it is haunted. Maybe it returns what it's been given, and humanity has made for substandard clay. Or maybe we humans blame ourselves too much, when in truth we should look to our stars. Perhaps there are worse things than man can imagine, and they beg our audience through the gaps in our memories, and paths not taken, and old apartment buildings that appear to have grown souls.I spend my nights now at the building's lobby, and forgo sleep. A restlessness has invaded my gut-a cold, slithering thing that gnaws without cease and calls itself The Breviary. You reading this can visit me, if you'd like. I'm looking for my personal history here. I'm trying to discover the secret. I'm listening to the bells chime, and wondering if they toll for me.*Agnew Spalding is the Pulitzer Prize-winning author of seven novels, two collections of essays, and a memoir: THINGS THAT FILL THE VOID: A DRINKING MAN'S STORY THINGS THAT FILL THE VOID: A DRINKING MAN'S STORY (1984); (1984); MIMIC: SENTINEL MIMIC: SENTINEL (1987); (1987); CHASING THE DRAGON CHASING THE DRAGON (1988); (1988); DARK PLACES DARK PLACES (1991); (1991); DUST OF WONDERLAND DUST OF WONDERLAND (1994); (1994); THE DARIEN GAP OF CONNECTICUT THE DARIEN GAP OF CONNECTICUT (1994); (1994); THE PERRY-WELLINGTON ADVENTURES THE PERRY-WELLINGTON ADVENTURES (2002); THE DIVINE DEVOE (2002); (2002); THE DIVINE DEVOE (2002); A TWISTED LADDER A TWISTED LADDER (2009); (2009); PETRUCHA'S HUNCH PETRUCHA'S HUNCH (2012); and (2012); and HOW NOT TO BUILD YOUR OWN ATOMIC BOMB HOW NOT TO BUILD YOUR OWN ATOMIC BOMB (2012). His death two days after the completion of this article was a profound loss to the literary community. He is survived by his wife Melinda, and daughters Danielle and Dominique. (2012). His death two days after the completion of this article was a profound loss to the literary community. He is survived by his wife Melinda, and daughters Danielle and Dominique.

Audrey read the article, then reread it, then searched "Agnew Spalding" and found his obituary. Suicide. In his apartment, after his daughters left for school, but before the maid came, so that it was she who found his body hanging from a ceiling beam in the kitchen and not his wife. The article noted that his apartment had a view of The Breviary, and his corpse had pointed toward it. Stranger still, he'd shredded the ma.n.u.script he was working on, Generation Vain, Generation Vain, then pulped it into a single upright rectangle with a hole in it. Since he'd deleted all his files, the work was irretrievably lost. then pulped it into a single upright rectangle with a hole in it. Since he'd deleted all his files, the work was irretrievably lost.

She wanted to stop, but there was no turning back. She clicked the next few links in the queue for Breviary, and found headlines like, "Murder-suicide in Tony Manhattan Apartment" dated just two years ago, "Woman Hurls to Own Death" September 4, 2009. Finally, the most recent article, "Bizarre Construction During Final Days." The caption next to the photo read: DeLea apartment, July 4: DeLea made a pile of her worldly belongings in this sitting room. All were chopped into small pieces. The weapon has not yet been found. The apartment also suffered from a serious infestation, which authorities believe may have degraded much of the evidence.