Assholeology. Part 9

these family get-togethers

is with laughs and

liquor.

Family gatherings are the perfect venue to begin your reign as your family's a.s.shole. Make your way around the party, stopping to catch up with everyone. The quicker you move from person to person the more everyone else will want to talk to you. Drop some jokes, make fun of your uncle's golf game, be the person who gets everyone laughing-at other family members. The only way to survive these family get-togethers is with laughs and liquor. Bring a bottle for the host and get everyone going about how bad your aunt is at cooking.

Dinner Parties These intimate gatherings are the perfect opportunity to sharpen your a.s.shole skills, as you're among friends. Because who else can you p.i.s.s off without serious retaliation if not the guy who puked in your sink a couple New Year's Eves ago?

Be sure to counter the one-liners and digs you'll be playfully shooting off during dinner with an expensive bottle of wine or the host's preferred alcohol as your thanks for the invite. Keep everyone entertained during dinner with an embarra.s.sing little round of "Remember when . . ." (though stories like the New Year's Eve booting session are better suited for after dinner). And then impress the table by flexing your mind muscles, dazzling the crowd with your knowledge of myriad topics, which you've become an expert on-at least enough to offer a stat and an opinion.

After dinner, be the first to compliment the host for putting together such a nice get-together, but don't be afraid to throw in a few zingers, as you can't turn into a complete softy. Once everyone's finished the first round of after-dinner drinks, be ready to make your exit. You don't want to be the first one to leave, but you also don't want to be the last.

Birthdays and Other Special Occasions Only an a.s.shole can attend a birthday party for someone else and find himself the center of attention. How does an a.s.shole accomplish such a feat? By being overly attentive to the person whose birthday it is-make an impromptu speech in his or her honor, buy the biggest gift, or just go out of your way to be around the guest of honor. The a.s.shole doesn't save this type of behavior for just birthdays, though- going-away parties, bachelor parties, graduations-it doesn't matter the reason for celebration. As long as it's in honor of one person, the a.s.shole has someone to overshadow.

CHAPTER RECAP: The a.s.shole at Play.

An a.s.shole is an a.s.shole twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. You need to stay on top of your game and focus on the details and never let your guard or att.i.tude slip. Whether you're at a bar or at a funeral, you need to play the role of the a.s.shole. Granted, the behavior in each situation does vary, but your ultimate goal remains the same: build connections and be remembered. You want people to know who you are. And you want them to want to be around you.

a.s.s * hole * ol * o * gy Vocabulary A-game (n.): The best you have to offer, which better be better than everyone else in the room Wallflower (n.): A shy person who stands by and lets life pa.s.s him by Roses and hand jobs (exp.): Sweet rewards Character Study The Laughed-at Douche Bag: As an a.s.shole, you want to be laughed with-not laughed at. Therefore, the Laughed-at Douche Bag is an important person to study. Notice how hard he tries. It should never look like you're trying. Your att.i.tude and actions should come off as natural (that's where the practice comes into play). You should also never go after easy targets. No one really wants to laugh at those types of jokes. Why pick on a wallflower when you can make fun of a douche bag?

Questions to Think About * Do people mostly laugh with you or at you?

* How will you change your approach at the bar?

* In what types of situations do you play the wallflower? How can that be fixed?

What You Should Have Learned Memorizing movies isn't really a good life skill.

a.s.sholes never take the day off.

Even in a relaxed social situation, the a.s.shole should be on his game.

Master the art of being an a.s.shole in public and in private.

a.s.sholes are always the center of attention.

Chapter 8.

The a.s.shole and the Opposite s.e.x

You've heard the expression time and time again: Women love a.s.s-holes. It's true. In fact, many of the world's most storied lovers have had immeasurable a.s.shole qualities. Don Juan, considered one of the greatest lovers the world has ever known, took immense pleasure in seducing spoken-for women and then fighting the men in their lives for that love. Romeo, the model of young love and romance, falls for the daughter of the head of a rival family even though he knows it will land him in deep s.h.i.t. John Mayer, singer and modern-day lothario, has bedded some of the world's most sought-after A-list celebrities, only to break their hearts via Twitter and TMZ.

NOTCHES ON JOHN MAYER'S BEDPOST Jessica Simpson Jennifer Aniston Jennifer Love Hewitt Your mom Women don't just date a.s.sholes because of a physical attraction; women date a.s.sholes because these men aren't afraid to make an impression and then make a move. An a.s.shole isn't too intimidated to talk to the hottest woman in the room. If he gets shot down, so be it; at least he tried. Hit on enough gorgeous women (or any women at all) and the a.s.shole is bound to find success.

An a.s.shole isn't too intimidated

to talk to the hottest

woman in the room.

How the a.s.shole Gets the Girl Think about every time (or that one time) you successfully picked up a girl. Each instance has one thing in common: She was drunk. Kidding. They all occurred because the opportunity presented itself: The woman in the grocery store who reached for the same box of Cap'n Crunch; the girl in the elevator who hit your floor's b.u.t.ton just as you were about to; the new office a.s.sistant who needed help with unjamming the copier. You only got up the nerve to start a conversation because of a little dumb luck.

a.s.sholes don't wait.

Now here is the difference between your wait-and-see approach and the mark of a genuine a.s.shole: a.s.sholes don't wait. a.s.sholes make their own openings and opportunities. While you've been hoping the new girl in the apartment above yours will be at the mailbox at the same time as you, the a.s.shole down the hall already knocked on her door, welcomed her to the building, and has been busy charming his way into her bedroom. All while you idled in the lobby waiting for Mr. Postman to deliver your next issue of Cat Fancy. He got the girl; you got step-by-step instructions on how to knit your own kitten mittens.

FIVE WOMEN YOU SHOULD NEVER HIT ON.

1. Best friend's mom 2. Girlfriend's mom 3. Girlfriend's sister 4. Cousin (blood or no blood relation) 5. Boss's wife (unless he is a douche) In order to score like an a.s.shole you have to act like an a.s.shole. The three most important a.s.shole intangibles to a.s.sume when approaching a woman are confidence, experience, and calculated luck.

Confidence An a.s.shole needs an incredible amount of confidence in any situation, especially when dealing with the opposite s.e.x. An a.s.shole fears nothing. He especially doesn't fear the word "no." An a.s.shole probably hears that word almost twice as much as he hears the word "yes"; yet he doesn't cower in the corner when it's tossed his way. He brushes it off and hits on an even hotter girl.

Experience Would you fly a plane without taking lessons? Give a presentation in front of your boss without doing extensive research? Go into your fantasy draft without reviewing last season's stats? Then why would you dare attempt to bed incredibly attractive females without trying your hand at every single girl you meet. All females are considered target practice-young, old, emaciated, portly, crazy, h.e.l.l, even Twilight fans (as long as they're legal). The a.s.shole doesn't discriminate until it's actually time to choose a woman to ask out.

Calculated Luck Chance. Coincidence. Dumb luck. That's what the old you would rely on to start a conversation. a.s.sholes can't be bothered by events out of their control; an a.s.shole makes his own luck. Sometimes it looks like things just fall into his lap. A chance encounter, a random meeting, or being in the right place at the right time. But do you really think he brought all those extra quarters to the laundromat by accident? That the bartender really mixed up his Scotch on the rocks with a pomegranate mojito? That his run in with the hot chick from accounting really was random even though it was at the Starbucks around the block where she goes every morning at 10:45? Didn't think so.

An a.s.shole makes his own

luck.

a.s.sHOLE IN ACTION: Nick Nick waited for the ATM to spit out what little money he had in his checking account. At least he could have a good time at the bar that night and worry about his finances in the morning.

Waiting for the machine to spit out his measly $20, Nick nosed around in the pile of other ATM slips that people had left behind after their transaction. One of the slips showed a checking account balance of $20,000. Nick was amazed both at the thought of having that much money in a checking account and that someone would carelessly leave information like that in public view.

Then he had a brilliant idea. He slipped the transaction receipt in his pocket. Later that night at the bar, after talking to a cute girl for much longer than his friends claim he should have, Nick took the slip of paper out his pocket and wrote his name and number on the opposite side of the balance.

"Do you really think a chick is going to call you?" his friends laughed, busting Nick's b.a.l.l.s at the diner after last call.

She called the next day.

THE QUOTABLE a.s.sHOLE.

"You're rather attractive for a beautiful girl with a great body."-Ty Webb, Caddyshack The a.s.shole Approach If you see a woman that piques your interest or just looks like a fun ride, here are two typical a.s.shole strategies to make the initial contact much less painful for the both of you: Be prepared.

Be a Boy Scout No, don't dress in tight culottes and practice your knotting; be prepared. Have several topics at your disposal to get the conversation started and keep it moving. For example, if your supermarket is stocked to the shelves with gorgeous women, have a question and anecdote ready: "Do you have any idea where they keep the paprika around here? I'm making a Hungarian chicken for dinner and it's a major component. Have you ever had a Hungarian chicken?"

THE 'HOLE TRUTH If you're going to pull this off, actually know a little something about your topic other than superficial facts. Suppose she is a Hungarian sous chef? Now what, Emeril?

Be a Clown Ask a woman the most attractive feature in a man, and they will most likely reply, "A sense of humor." What is the best target for jest? Her. It sounds like a kamikaze mission, but lightly poking fun at a woman actually works. If you are funny, charming, and a bit of a wisea.s.s, her guard drops quicker than Lindsey Lohan's pants without a belt. She will laugh at herself.

Let's take the supermarket example again. Once you've struck up a conversation, poke fun at some of her product choices: "I can see you wouldn't have time to prepare Hungarian chicken when you've got all this Cap'n Crunch to finish."

THE 'HOLE TRUTH There is a fine line between making a few funny remarks and being a douche. Not sure if you've crossed the line? Ask the arresting officer.

If this situation scares the dollar-store boxers off your b.a.l.l.s, just remember that asking questions allows her to do most of the talking. There is nothing a woman loves more than talking about herself. Make the questions general and not too specific. Save the grilling for the first date.

a.s.sHOLE IN ACTION: David David loves to talk on his cell phone even when he really isn't on the phone. He especially loves to do this in front of attractive women.

Every afternoon, during his lunch hour, he stands in front of the door to his office building and makes his phantom phone calls. The more attractive the woman, the more important the phone conversation: million-dollar deals, purchasing brand-new sports cars, and even signing off on a lease for a beach house for the entire summer. The closer they get, the louder he speaks into the phone.

It doesn't always work at picking up a woman at that exact moment, but it helps to plant a seed. All of these women work in the building. They will recognize his face when he says h.e.l.lo in the parking garage or on the elevator up to their floor. The women will at least be mildly interested.

What happens when a woman finds out he is an administrative a.s.sistant who doesn't have a brand new car or a beach house is an issue for another time.

The First Date This is where you establish just what type of relationship could come from this uncomfortable small talk and overpriced food. You better bring your A-game. An a.s.shole takes control from the get-go; he chooses the time, the place, and all of the events for the evening. If she doesn't like the choices, she can fake it and pretend she is having the time of her life. What's important is being decisive; women want a man who can make decisions.

An a.s.shole takes control

from the get-go.

Keep the conversation going by asking her questions about her life. Imagine this is a job interview and she is applying for a position (if she does well it could lead to a ton of other positions, most involving her body bent like a silly straw). Use this as a time to find out everything about her.

By the end of dinner, you should have already made your decision about the future of this relationship. An a.s.shole places his first date into one of three categories: A. Ms. Right-for-Now: She isn't the future, but she is a good woman with a head on her shoulders, two balloons on her chest, and is willing to roll with the punches. She has potential and is worth getting to know past this first encounter.

B. Ms. Right-Between-the-Legs: She isn't girlfriend material, but that doesn't mean you can't have a little fun.

C. Ms. Right-out-the-Door: As in, cut your losses, call it a night, and go your separate ways right out of the door of the restaurant. She isn't worth a relationship or even a quick ball brushing against her Brillo pad.

If she falls into one of the first two categories, here is how to handle the rest of the evening. (If she falls into the last one, pull the ripcord and parachute out of this nose-diving plane ride.) With Ms. Right-for-Now . . . act natural, interested, but somewhat aloof. Keep her guessing. An a.s.shole never shows his hand. You can continue the date with a drink or two, but stay in control of the situation. A simple kiss on the cheek and a "Call you soon" should end the evening. Wait a day and give her a call. Don't listen to the other bulls.h.i.t rules. a.s.sholes call promptly and set up a second date.

An a.s.shole never shows his

hand.

With Ms. Right-Between-the-Legs . . . make your intentions known, but with a quick change of control. Make her seem like the aggressor. Accuse her of trying to get you drunk, attempting to get in your pants, and making inappropriate s.e.xual suggestions. Play the poor, innocent guy who isn't looking for a just a quick d.i.c.k-dunk. Do it well, and in a few hours you'll be b.u.mping uglies at her place.

An a.s.shole in a Relationship Any good relationship is a give and take; the a.s.shole gives his thoughts on how things will work and his partner usually just takes it. Fine, it's not that simple, but an a.s.shole usually does mold the relationship according to his own preferences. It sounds like a douche move, but a woman would do the same thing if she had the chance. In every relationship, there is a dominant partner. The a.s.shole is always dominant.

THE QUOTABLE a.s.sHOLE.

"The only reason to wait a month for s.e.x is if she's seventeen years, eleven months old."-Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother How does an a.s.shole impose his will on his partner without coming off like a douche? It's all in the presentation.