Assholeology. Part 13

Check out how to be your own a.s.shole Bartender in Appendix A: The a.s.shole Guide to Imbiding (page 153) WHAT HE CAN TEACH YOU.

You have to be quick. You need a quick hand, a quick mouth, and a quick wit. An a.s.shole should be three steps ahead of everyone around him. And the only way to pull that off is by moving fast. The a.s.shole Bartender succeeds because he can move fast. Well, that and he can get people drunk.

The Gym a.s.shole DISTINGUISHABLE CHARACTERISTICS.

Workout wear that doesn't really look like it's been worked out in. The a.s.shole's typically in shape, but it's hard to say how he pulls this off. His gym time is usually spent socializing.

WHERE YOU'LL FIND HIM

In the gym, by the machines, near the benches, grabbing a mat, filling up at the water fountain . . . but never actually working out. He loves talking about working out. But it seems he never really has the time-even though he's at the gym. Working a warehouse full of attractive women takes up a lot of time.

WHAT HE'S ALL ABOUT

Fitness . . . we guess. Like we said, the Gym a.s.shole seems like he's in shape, and certainly talks about it like he is-but it appears he's more concerned with being at the gym than actually working out in it. He's always chatting people up, giving workout tips, offering personal training sessions to the ladies as they leave spin cla.s.s. Yet he only breaks a sweat when the AC's broken.

GREATEST a.s.sET.

Good genes? A healthy diet? An awesome metabolism? Something has to account for him being able to turn his workout time into social hour and not look like a fat slob.

Working a warehouse full

of attractive women takes

up a lot of time.

WHAT HE CAN TEACH YOU.

Never let them see you sweat. Literally in this sense, but in more general terms, the Gym a.s.shole's ability to talk a good game without being called out on it is impressive.

The a.s.shole Dad DISTINGUISHABLE CHARACTERISTICS.

Usually has a kid in tow and has World's #1 Dad written all over him, without actually wearing a shirt or hat with that written on it. He's knowledgeable and encouraging enough to out-coach the coach during his son's soccer games, able to work his way into the reserved seating section for his little girl's big performance, and can make you feel like less of man and wish he'd adopt you at the same time.

WHERE YOU'LL FIND HIM

Sporting events, school plays, dance recitals, awards banquets- wherever proud parents congregate, he's there. And he's usually right up front, going on about how great his kids are.

WHAT HE'S ALL ABOUT

Compet.i.tion-but not in the you-better-score-a-goal-today-or-you'll-be-walking-home way, in the my-kid's-way-better-than-your-kid way. Douche bags compete with kids. The a.s.shole Dad competes with other parents. Not only are his kids great, he is. He helps out at practice, builds sets for plays, and takes everyone for ice cream after the big win. He's the type of guy your kids wish you were.

GREATEST a.s.sET.

Pride. He takes pride in his kids and isn't afraid to share it with anyone. Even if it does get nauseating, you can't complain because he's so involved. (And chances are, if he's this good, so are his kids.)

He's the type of guy

your kids wish you were.

WHAT HE CAN TEACH YOU.

Be proud of what you do and what've you made doing your wife. If you aren't the one talking about what you or your kids accomplished, you'll be listening to someone else talk about the same thing. And how f'ing annoying is that?

The a.s.shole Friend DISTINGUISHABLE CHARACTERISTICS.

Besides wearing your undying adoration on his sleeve, he's probably also wearing something he "borrowed" from you. Now that we mentioned it, doesn't that hoodie look familiar?

WHERE YOU'LL FIND HIM

Drinking your beer, driving your car, borrowing your lawnmower- h.e.l.l, he'd even be s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g your girlfriend if his wasn't hotter. You'd call any other person who acted this way a mooch. But he's too cool, and you want him to be your friend. You can't say no. Well maybe with the girlfriend thing . . .

People just like being

around him.

WHAT HE'S ALL ABOUT