Arthur O'Leary Part 2

"Ah! I know her, she's a revenue cruizer."

Lord, what liars are the c.o.c.kneys! The plot thickens every moment; here come little bright green and gold things, shooting past, like dragon-flies skimming the water, steaming down to Gravesend. What a mob of parasols cover the deck, and what kissing of hands and waving of handkerchiefs to anonymous acquaintances nowhere. More steamers--here's the "Boulogne boat," followed by the Ostender, and there, rounding the reach, comes the Ramsgate; and a white funnel, they say, is the Cork packet; and yonder, with her steam escaping, is the Edinburgh, her deck crowded with soldiers.

"Port--port it is--steady there--steady."

"Do you dine, sir!" quoth the steward to the pale gentleman. A faint "Yes," "And the ladies too?" A more audible "No."

"I say, steward," cries Sir Peter, "what's the hour for dinner?"

"Four o'clock, sir, after we pa.s.s Gravesend."

"Bring me some brandy and water and a biscuit, then."

"Lud, Pa!"

"To be sure, dear, we shall be sick in the pool. They say there's a head wind."

How crowded they are on the fore-part of the vessel! six carriages and eight horses; the latter belong to a Dutch dealer, who, by-the-by, seems a shrewd fellow, who, well knowing the extreme sympathy between horses and a.s.ses, leaves the care of his, to some c.o.c.kneys, who come down every half hour to look after the tarpaulins, inspect the coverings, see the knee-caps safe, find ask if they want "'ay;" and all this, that to some others on board, they may appear as sporting characters, well versed in turf affairs, and quite up to stable management.

When the life and animation of the crowded river is pa.s.sed, how vexatious it is to hear for the thousandth time the dissertation's on English habits, customs, and const.i.tution, delivered by some ill-informed, underbred fellow or other, to some eager German--a Frenchman happily is too self-sufficient ever to listen--who greedily swallows the farrago of absurdity, which, according to the politics of his informant, represents the nation in a plethora of prosperity, or the last stage of inevitable ruin. I scarcely know which I detest the more: the insane toryism of the one, is about as sickening as the rabid radicalism of the other. The absurd misapprehensions foreigners entertain about us, are, in nine cases out of ten, communicated by our own people; and in this way, I have always remarked a far greater degree of ignorance about England and the English, to prevail among those who have pa.s.sed some weeks in the country, than, among such, as had never visited our sh.o.r.es. With the former the Thames Tunnel is our national boast; raw beef and boxing our national predilections; the public sale of our wives a national practice.

"But what's this? our paddles are backed. Anything wrong, steward?"

"No, sir, only another pa.s.senger coming aboard." "How they pull, and there's a stiff sea tunning too. A queer figure that is in the stern sheets; what a beard he has!"

I had just time for the observation, when a tall, athletic man, wrapped in a wide blue cloak, sprang on the deck--his eyes were shaded by large green spectacles and the broad brim of a very projecting hat; a black beard, a rabbi might have envied, descended from his chin, and hung down upon his bosom; he chucked a crown-piece to the boatman as he leaned over the bulwark, and then turning to the steward, called out--"Eh, Jem!

all right?"

"Yes, sir, all right," said the man, touching his hat respectfully! The tall figure immediately disappeared down the companion-ladder, leaving me in the most puzzling state of doubt as to what manner of man he could possibly be. Had the problem been more easy of solution I should scarcely have resolved it when he again emerged--but how changed! The broad beaver had given place to a blue cloth foraging cap with a gold band around it; the beard had disappeared totally, and left no successor save a well-rounded chin; the spectacles also had vanished, and a pair of sharp, intelligent, grey eyes, with a most uncommon degree of knowingness in their expression, shone forth; and a thin and most accurately-curled moustache graced his upper lip and gave a character of Vandykism to his features, which were really handsome. In person he was some six feet two, gracefully but strongly built; his costume, without anything approaching conceit, was the perfection of fashionable attire--even to his gloves there was nothing which D'Orsay could have criticised; while his walk was the very type of that mode of progression which is only learned thoroughly by a daily stroll down St. Jameses-street, and the frequent practice of pa.s.sing to and from Crockford's, at all hours of the day and night.

The expression of his features was something so striking, I cannot help noting it: there was a jauntiness, an ease, no smirking, half-bred, self-satisfied look, such as a London linendraper might wear on his trip to Margate; but a consummate sense of his own personal attractions and great natural advantages, had given a character to his features which seemed to say--it's quite clear there's no coming up to _me_: don't try it:--_nascitur non fit_. His very voice implied it. The veriest commonplace fell from him with a look, a smile, a gesture, a something or other that made it tell; and men repeated his sayings without knowing, that his was a liquor, that was lost in decanting. The way he scanned the pa.s.sengers, and it was done in a second, was the practised observance of one, who reads character at a glance. Over the c.o.c.kneys, and they were numerous, his eyes merely pa.s.sed without bestowing any portion of attention; while to the lady part of the company his look was one of triumphant satisfaction, such as Louis XIV. might have bestowed when he gazed at the thousands in the garden of Versailles, and exclaimed, "_Oui! ces sont mes sujets_." Such was the Honourable Jack Smallbranes, younger son of a peer, ex-captain in the Life Guards, winner of the Derby, but now the cleared-out man of fashion flying to the Continent to escape from the Fleet, and cautiously coming aboard in disguise below Gravesend, to escape the bore of a bailiff, and what he called the horror of bills "detested."

We read a great deal about Cincinnatus cultivating his cabbages, and we hear of Washington's retirement when the active period of his career had pa.s.sed over, and a hundred similar instances are quoted for our admiration, of men, who could throw themselves at once from all the whirlwind excitement of great events, and seek, in the humblest and least obtrusive position, an occupation and an enjoyment. But I doubt very much if your ex-man of fashion, your _ci-devant_ winner of the Derby--the adored of Almack's--the _enfant cheri_ of Crockford's and the Clarendon, whose equipage was a model, whose plate was perfection, for whom life seemed too short for all the fascinations wealth spread around him, and each day brought the one embarra.s.sment how to enjoy enough.

I repeat it, I doubt much if he, when the hour of his abdication arrives--and that it will arrive sooner or later not even himself entertains a doubt--when Holditch protests, and Bevan proceeds; when steeds are sold at Tattersall's, and pictures at Christie's; when the hounds pa.s.s over to the next new victim, and the favourite for the St.

Leger, backed with mighty odds, is now entered under another name; when in lieu of the bright eyes and honied words that make life a fairy tale, his genii are black-whiskered bailiffs and auctioneers' appraisers--if he, when the tide of fortune sets in so strong against him, can not only sustain himself for a while against it, and when too powerful at last, can lie upon the current and float as gaily down, as ever he did joyously, up, the stream--then, say I, all your ancient and modern instances are far below him: all your warriors and statesmen are but poor pretenders compared to him, they have retired like rich shopkeepers, to live on the interest of their fortune, which is fame; while he, deprived of all the accessories which gave him rank, place, and power, must seek within his own resources for all the future springs of his pleasure, and be satisfied to stand spectator of the game, where he was once the princ.i.p.al player. A most admirable specimen of this philosophy was presented by our new pa.s.senger, who, as he lounged against the binnacle, and took a deliberate survey of his fellow-travellers, seemed the very ideal of unbroken ease and undisturbed enjoyment: he knew he was ruined; he knew he had neither house in town, or country; neither a steed, nor a yacht, nor a preserve; he was fully aware, that Storr and Mortimer, who would have given him a mountain of silver but yesterday, would not trust him with a mustard-pot today; that even the "legs" would laugh at him if he offered the odds on the Derby; and yet if you were bound on oath to select the happiest fellow on board, by the testimony of your eyes, the choice would not have taken you five minutes. His att.i.tude was ease itself: his legs slightly crossed, perhaps the better to exhibit a very well-rounded instep, which shone forth in all the splendour of French varnish: his travelling cap jauntily thrown on one side, so as to display to better advantage his perfumed locks, that floated in a graceful manner somewhat lengthily on his neck; the shawl around his neck had so much of negligence, as to show that the splendid enamel pin that fastened it, was a thing of little moment to the wearer: all were in keeping with the _nonchalant_ ease, and self-satisfaction of his look, as with half-drooping lids he surveyed the deck, caressing with his jewelled fingers the silky line of his moustache, and evidently enjoying in his inmost soul the triumphant scene of conquest his very appearance excited. Indeed, a less practised observer than himself could not fail to remark the unequivocal evidences the lady portion of the community bore to his success: the old ones looked boldly at him with that fearless intrepidity that characterizes conscious security--their property was insured, and they cared not how near the fire came to them; the very young partic.i.p.ated in the sentiment from an opposite reason--theirs was the unconsciousness of danger; but there was a middle term, what Balzac calls, "_la femme de trente ans_," and she either looked over the bulwarks, or at the funnel, or on her book, any where in short but at our friend, who appeared to watch this studied denial on her part, with the same kind of enjoyment the captain of a frigate would contemplate the destruction his broadsides were making on his enemy's rigging--and perhaps the latter never deemed his conquest more a.s.sured by the hauling down of he enemy's colours, than did the "Honourable Jack," when a letdown veil convinced him that the lady could bear no more.

I should like to have watched the proceedings on deck, where, although no acquaintance had yet been formed, the indications of such were clearly visible: the Alderman's daughters evincing a decided preference for walking on that side where Jack was standing, he studiously performing some small act of courtesy from time to time as they pa.s.sed, removing a seat, kicking any small fragment of rope, &c.; but the motion of the packet began to advertize me that note-taking was at an end, and the best thing I could do would be to compose myself.

"What's the number, sir?" said the steward, as I staggered down the companion.

"I have got no berth," said I mournfully.

"A dark horse, not placed," said the Honourable Jack, smiling pleasantly as he looked after me, while I threw myself on a sofa, and cursed the sea.

CHAPTER II. THE BOAR'S HEAD AT ROTTERDAM.

If the noise and hustle which attend a wedding, like trumpets in a battle, are intended as provisions against refection, so firmly do I feel, the tortures of sea-sickness, are meant as antagonists to all the terrors of drowning, and all the horrors of shipwreck.

Let him who has felt the agonies of that internal earthquake which the "pitch and toss" motion of a ship communicates--who knows what it is, to have his diaphragm vibrating between his ribs and the back of his throat, confess, how little to him was all the confusion which he listened to, over head! how poor the interest he took in the welfare of the craft wherein he was "only a lodger," and how narrowed were all his sympathies within the small circle of bottled porter, and brandy and water, the steward's infallibles in suffering.

I lay in my narrow crib, moody pondering over these things, now wondering within myself, what charms of travel could recompense such agonies as these; now muttering a curse, "not loud, but deep," on the heavy gentleman, whose ponderous tread on the quarter-deck seemed to promenade up and down the surface of my own pericranium: the greasy steward, the jolly captain, the brown-faced, black-whiskered king's messenger, who snored away on the sofa, all came in for a share of my maledictions, and took out my cares, in curses upon the whole party.

Meanwhile could distinguish, amid the other sounds, the elastic tread of certain light feet that pattered upon the quarter-deck; and I could not mistake the a.s.sured footstep which accompanied them, nor did I need the happy roar of laughter that mixed with the noise, to satisfy myself that the "Honourable Jack" was then cultivating the Alderman's daughters, discoursing most eloquently upon the fascinations of those exclusive circles wherein he was wont to move, and explaining, on the clearest principles, what a frightful chasm his absence must create in the London world--how deplorably flat would the season go off, where he was no actor---and wondering, who, among the aspirants of high ambition, would venture to a.s.sume his line of character, and supply his place, either on the turf, or at the table.

But at length the stage of semi-stupor came over me; the noises became commixed in my head, and I lost all consciousness so completely, that, whether from brandy or sickness, I fancied I saw the steward flirting with the ladies, and the "Honourable Jack" skipping about with a white ap.r.o.n, uncorking porter bottles, and changing sixpences.

The same effect which the announcement of dinner produces on the stiff party in the drawing-room, is caused by the information of being alongside the quay, to the pa.s.sengers of a packet. It is true the procession is not so formal in the latter as in the former case: the turbaned dowagers that take the lead in one, would, more than probably, be last in the other: but what is lost in decorum, is more than made up in hilarity. What hunting for carpet-bags! what opening and shutting of lockers! what researches into portmanteaus, to extricate certain seizable commodities, and stow them away upon the person of the owner, till at last he becomes an impersonation of smuggling, with lace in his boots, silk stockings in his hat, brandy under his waistcoat, and jewelry in the folds of his cravat. There is not an item in the tariff that might not be demonstrated in his anatomy: from his shoes to his night-cap, he is a living sarcasm upon the revenue. And, after all, what is the searching scrutiny of your Quarterly Reviewer, to the all-penetrating eye of an excise officer? He seems to look into the whole contents, of your wardrobe before you have unlocked the trunk "warranted solid leather," and with a glance appears to distinguish the true man from the knave, knowing, as if by intuition, the precise number of cambric handkerchiefs that befits your condition in life, and whether you have transgressed the bounds of your station, by a single bottle.

What admirable training for a novelist would a year or two spent in such duties afford; what singular views of life; what strange people must he see; how much of narrative would even the narrow limits of a hat-box present to him; and how naturally would a story spring from the rosy-cheeked old gentleman, paying his duty upon a "_pate de fois-gras_"

to his pretty daughter, endeavouring, by a smile, to diminish the tariff on her French bonnet, and actually captivate a custom-house officer by the charms of her "_robe a la Victorine_."

The French "_douaniers_," are droll fellows, and are the only ones I have ever met who descend from the important gravity of their profession, and venture upon a joke. I shall never forget entering Valenciennes late one night, with a large "Diligence" party, among which was a corpulent countryman of my own, making his first continental tour.

It was in those days when a pa.s.sport presented a written portrait of the bearer; when the shape of your nose, the colour of your hair, the cut of your beard, and the angle of incidence of your eyebrow, were all noted down and commented on, and a general summing up of the expression of your features, collectively, appended to the whole; and you went forth to the-world with an air "mild," or "military;" "feeble," "fascinating,"

or "ferocious," exactly as the foreign office deemed it. It was in those days, I say, when, on entering the fortress of Valenciennes, the door of the "Diligence" was rudely thrown open, and, by the dim nicker of a lamp, we beheld a moustached, stern-looking fellow, who rudely demanded our pa.s.sports. My fat companion, suddenly awakened from his sleep, searched his various pockets with all the trepidation of a new traveller, and at length, produced his credentials, which he handed, with a polite bow, to the official. Whatever the nature of the description I cannot say, but it certainly produced the most striking effect on the pa.s.sport officers, who laughed loud and long as they read it over.

"_Descendez, Monsieur_" said the chief of the party, in a tone of stern command.

"What does he say?" said the traveller, in a very decided western accent.

"You must get out, sir" said he.

"Tare-an-ages," said Mr. Moriarty, "what's wrong?"

After considerable squeezing, for he weighed about twenty stone, he disengaged himself from the body of the "Diligence," and stood erect upon the ground. A second lantern was now produced, and while one of the officers stood on either side of him, with a light beside his face, a third read out the clauses of the pa.s.sport, and compared the description with the original. Happily, Mr. Moriarty's ignorance of French saved him from the penalty of listening to the comments which were pa.s.sed upon his "_nez retrousse_" "_bouche ouverte_" &c.; but what was his surprise when, producing some yards of tape, they proceeded to measure him round the body, comparing the number of inches his circ.u.mference made, with the pa.s.sport.

[Ill.u.s.tration: 032]

"_Quatre-vingt-dix pouces_," said the measurer, looking at the doc.u.ment, "_Il en a plus_," added he, rudely.

"What is he saying, sir, if I might be so bowld?" said Mr. Moriarty to me, imploringly.

"You measure more than is set down in your pa.s.sport," said I, endeavouring to suppress my laughter.

"Oh, murther! that dish of boiled beef and beet-root will be the ruin of me. Tell them, sir, I was like a greyhound before supper."

As he said this, he held in his breath, and endeavoured, with all his might, to diminish his size; while the Frenchmen, as if anxious to strain a point in his favour, tightened the cord round him, till he almost became black in the face.

"_C'est ca_" said one of the officers, smiling blandly as he took off his hat; "_Monsieur peut continuer sa route_."

"All right," said I, "you may come in, Mr. Moriarty."

"'Tis civil people I always heard they wor," said he; "but it's a sthrange country where it's against the laws to grow fatter."

I like Holland;--it is the antipodes of France. No one is ever in a hurry here. Life moves on in a slow majestic stream, a little muddy and stagnant, perhaps, like one of their own ca.n.a.ls, but you see no waves, no breakers--not an eddy, nor even a froth-bubble breaks the surface.