Approaching Oblivion Part 10

You could plotz from it.

And finally, when they couldn't get him to change backand if you want to know the truth, I don't think he could change back after that weirdnik buhbie Archdruid changed him-they held him down and Reb Jeshaia made the rabbinical decision that his presence was enough, in this great emergency. So Meyer Kahaha sat on him, and we started to sit shivah, finally, for Zsouchmuhn and for Snodle.

And then Reb J eshaia got a terrible look on his face and he said, "Oh my G.o.d!"

"What!? What what!?" I yelled. "What now, what?"

Very softly, Reb Jeshaia asked me, "Evsise, how long ago did the Archdruid say he changed Kadak into this thing?"

"Ten years ago," I said, "but what-"

And I stopped. And I sat down again. And knew we had lost, and we would still be there when the goniffs came to rip the planet out of orbit, and we would die, along with the crazies in the Apostate Cathedral and the nafkeh, and the Rock and the Archdruid and everyone else who was too nuts to get safely away the way they were supposed to.

"What's the matter?" asked Meyer Kahaha, the oysvorf. "What's wrong? Why does it matter he's been a b.u.t.terfly for ten years?"

"Only ten years," said Shmuel.

"Not thirteen, schmuck, only ten," said Yankel, sticking his pointing arm in Meyer Kahaha's ninth eye.

We looked at Meyer Kahaha till the light dawned, even for him. "Oh my G.o.d," he said, and rolled over on his side. The b.u.t.terfly, that miserable Kadak, fluttered up and flew around the shoul. No one paid any attention to him. It had all been in vain. Scripture says, very clearly there should be no mistake, that all ten of the partic.i.p.ants of a minyan have to be over thirteen years old. At thirteen, for a Jew, a boy becomes a man. "Today I am a man," it's an old gag. Ha ha. Very funny. It's the reason for the Bar Mitzvah. Thirteen. Not ten.

Kadak wasn't old enough.

Still dead, still lying on his face, Snodle began weeping.

Reb Jeshaia and the other seven, the last blue Jews on Zsouchmuhn, now doomed to die without ever again gumming their l.u.s.t-nest concubines, they all slumped into seats and waited for destruction.

I felt worse than them. I hurt in more places.

Then I looked up, and began to smile. I smiled so wide and so loud, everyone turned to look at me.

"He's gone crazy," said Chaim.

"It's better that way," said Shmuel. "He won't feel the pain."

"Poor Evsise," said Yitzchak.

"Dummies!" I shouted, leaping up and rolling and hopping and unwinding like a tummeler." Dummies! Dummies! Even you, Reb Jeshaia, you're a dummy, we're all dummies!"

"Is that a way to talk to a Rabbi?" said Reb Jeshaia.

"Sure it is," I yowled, reeling and rocking, "sure it is, sure it is, sure it is, sure it is..."

Meyer Kahaha came and sat on me.

"Get off me, you schlemiel! I know how to save us, it's been here all the time, we never needed that creep snuffle b.u.t.terfly Kadak!"

So he got off me, and I looked at them with great pleasure because I was about to demonstrate that I was a folks-mensh of the first water, and I said, "Under a ruling in Tractate Berakhot, nine Jews and the holy ark of the law containing the Torah may, together, hey nu, nu, do you get what I'm saying, may together be considered for congregational worship!"

And Reb Jeshaia kissed me.

"Evsise, Evsise, how did you remember such a thing? You're not a Talmudic scholar, how did you remember such a wonderful thing?" Reb Jeshaia hugged and kissed and babbled in my face at me.

"I didn't," I said, "Kadak did."

And they all looked up, as I'd looked up, and there was that not-such-an-altogether-worthless- after-all Kadak, sitting up on top of the Holy Ark, the Aronha-Kodesh, the sacred cabinet holding the sacred scrolls of the Lord. Sitting up there, a b.u.t.terfly, always to remain a b.u.t.terfly, sitting and beating his wings frantically, trying to let someone know what he knew, something even a Rabbi had forgotten.

And when he came down to perch on Reb Jeshaia's shoulder, we all sat down and rested for a minute, and then Reb Jeshaia said, "Now we will sit shivah. Nine men, the Holy Ark and one b.u.t.terfly make a minyan."

And for the last time on Zsouchmuhn (which means look for me) we said the holy words, this last time for the home we had had, the home we would leave. And all through the prayers, there sat Kadak, flapping his dumb wings.

And you want to know a thing? Even that was a mechaieh (which means a terrific pleasure).

Los Angeles, California/1973

ELLISON'S GRAMMATICAL GUIDE.

AND GLOSSARY FOR THE GOYIM.

There are two ways to write a story using words in a foreign tongue. The first is to explain every single word as it is used, by restating its meaning in English, or by hoping its use in context will clarify for the reader. The second is to attempt by syntactical manipulation an approximation of the dialect and tongue, eschewing the use of any foreign words. The third is to provide a glossary and hope the reader won't be such a dummy as to get annoyed at the author wanting to do it right.

Additionally, the author, a cute and terrific little person who wants you should enjoy this story to the utmost, has called on the good offices of his friend, Mr. Tim Kirk, a Gentile artist, but also a three-time Hugo award winner, to do a drawing of Evsise, the Zsouchmoid. It is appended herewith, for your pleasure.

-the Author (A Jew)

Adonai (ah-doe-noy') The sacred t.i.tle of G.o.d.

averah (ah-vay'-reh) Loosely, an unethical or undesirable act.

Bar Mitzvah (bar mitz'-vah) The ceremony, as in many cultures, of the beginning of p.u.b.erty; held in a temple, it is the ceremony in which a 13-year-old Jewish boy reaches the status and a.s.sumes the duties of a "man."

bialy(ies) (bee-oll'-lee) A flat breakfast roll, shaped like a round wading pool, sometimes sprinkled with onion.

bissel (biss'-el) A little bit brechh A sound you make when varjing.

brisies (briss) The circ.u.mcision ceremony.

buhbie (booh'-bee) Usually an affectionate term of endearment, although occasionally it is used sardonically.

b.u.mmerkeh (b.u.m'-er-keh) A female b.u.m, a loose lady. A najkeh.

chutzpah (choootz'-puh) Gall, brazen nerve, audacity, presumption-plus-arrogance such as no other word, and no other language, can do justice to.

dreck (drek) s.h.i.t, dung, garbage, trash, excrement, c.r.a.p.

Evsise (ev'-seese) A native of Theta 996:VI, Cl.u.s.ter Messier 3 in Canes Venatici. (See ill.u.s.tration.)

farblondjet (far-blawn'-jet) Lost (but really lost), mixed-up, wandering around with no idea where you are.

farchachdah (far-kachh'-dah) Dizzy, confused, dopey, punchy.

fehl (feh!) An exclamatory expression of disgust.

folks-mensh (fokes'-mentch) This has many meanings. In the story it is intended to convey the meaning of a person who is interested in Jewish life, values, experience, and wants to carry on the tradition.

galus (goll'-us) An exile.

Gentile (jenn'-tile) The goyim. Non-Jews.

Gevalt! (ghe-vollt'!) A cry of fear, astonishment, amazement.

glitch (glitch) A shady, not kosher or reputable affair.

goldeneh medinah (gold'-en-eh meh-dee'-nah) Literally, "golden country"; originally, it meant America to Jews fleeing the European pogroms; a land of freedom, justice and rare opportunity. Well, two out of three ain't bad.

goniff(s) (gon'-iff) A thief, a crook; sometimes said with affection to mean a clever person; a dishonest businessman.

goniffed (gon'-iffed) The act of stealing, as in swiping Zsouchmuhn out of its...o...b..t.

guderim (guh-dare'-im) My Mother used to say, "That kid is eating out my guderim from aggravation,"

which leads me to believe the word means, literally, heart, guts, liver-and-lights, stomach, everything in the middle of your body.

Kaddish (kahd'-ish) A prayer glorifying G.o.d's name. The most solemn and one of the most ancient of an Jewish prayers; the mourner's prayer.

kayn-ahora (kine'-a haw'-reh) The phrase uttered to show that one's praises are genuine and not contaminated by envy.

kike (kike) A word you won't find in this story.

kosher (ko'-sher) As a Hebrew-Yiddish word it means only one thing: fit to eat, because ritually clean according to the dietary laws. As American slang it means authentic, the real McCoy, trustworthy, reliable, on the up-and-up, legal.

krenk (krenk) An illness. Also used to mean "nothing" in a sentence like, "He asked me for a loan of fifty bucks; a krenk I'll give him!"

mechaieh (meh-chhhhhy'-eh) Pleasure, great enjoyment, a real joy. Roll the chhh like a Scotsman.

meshiginah (meh-shih'-ghin-ah), meshugge (meh-shu'-geh), mishegoss (meesh'-eh-goss) Crazy, nuts, wildly extravagant, absurd. There are spellings for male and female, but I've written it the way it sounded when my Mother called me it. Meshugge is to be a meshiginah and mishegoss is the crazy stuff a meshiginah is doing.

mensch (mench) Someone of consequence, someone to emulate and admire; a terrific human being; I always pictured a mensch as someone who knew exactly how much to tip.

minyan (min'-yun) Quorum. The ten male Jews required for a religious service. Solitary prayer is laudable, but a minyan possesses special merit, for G.o.d's Presence is said to dwell among them.

momzer (mom'-zer) A b.a.s.t.a.r.d, an untrustworthy person; a stubborn, difficult person, a detestable, impudent person.

naches (nahchhhhh'-ess), nafkeh (noff'-keh) Also nafka. A prost.i.tute.

nu(?) (!) (nu) A remarkably versatile interjection, interrogation, expletive; like, "So?"

nuhdz (nud'-jeh), nuhdzing (nud'-jing) To bore, to pester, to nag, to be bugged to eat your asparagus, to wake up and take her home, etc.

oysvorf (oyss'-voorf) A scoundrel, a b.u.m, an outcast, an ingrate.

pisher (pish'-er) A young, inexperienced person, a "young squirt," an inconsequential person, a "n.o.body."

plotz (plotts) To split, to burst, to explode; to be outraged; to be aggravated beyond bearing.

pupik (pu'-pik) Navel. Belly-b.u.t.ton.

punim (pu'-nim) Face.

putz (putts) Literally, vulgar slang for "p.e.n.i.s" but in usage a term of contempt for an a.s.s, a jerk, a fool, a simpleton or yokel. It is much stronger than schmuck and shouldn't be used unless you know some crippling Oriental martial art-form.

Reb (reb) Rabbi.

schlemiel (shleh'-meal) A foolish person, a simpleton; a consistently unlucky or unfortunate person; a clumsy, gauche, b.u.t.terfingered person; a social misfit; this term is more pitying than schlimazel and more affectionate by far than schmuck.

schlimazel (shli'-moz-zl) Same as above, but different in tone. A schlimazel believes in luck, but never has any. The terms are often used interchangeably by people who don't perceive the subtle differences.

schmuck (shmuck) Literally, a p.e.n.i.s, but in common usage, a dope, a jerk, a b.o.o.b; or, a son of a b.i.t.c.h, a real p.r.i.c.k.

Shabbes (shah'-biss) The Sabbath.

Shema (sheh'-ma) The first word of the most common of Hebrew prayers: "Shema Yisrael," Hear O Israel: The Lord our G.o.d, the Lord is One!

shikker (shick'-er) A drunk or, as an adjective, drunkenness.

shikseh (shik'-seh) A non-Jewish woman, especially a young one.

shivah (shi'-vuh) The seven solemn days of mourning for the dead.

shmachel (shmah'-chhhl) To flatter, to fawn, to b.u.t.ter up, usually to outfox someone to get them to do what you want.

shmatehs (shmot'-tahs) A rag, literally. But in common usage to mean a cheap, shoddy, junky dress.

shmootz (shmootz) Dirt.