Andy Rooney_ 60 Years Of Wisdom And Wit Part 17

38. We need chefs more than headwaiters and mechanics more than car salesmen. We need good doctors more than health plans.

39. The evolution of every business enterprise is away from quality. Products always get smaller, worse and more expensive.

40. If someone chooses to live in the United States, they should learn to speak English. I recognize that this is a small, meanspirited, rightwing opinion but I hold it.

41. People will generally accept facts as truth only if the facts agree with what they already believe.

42. The accuracy of political polls is sad evidence of our predictability.

43. Most religions are designed to trick us into doing the things we'd do anyway if we used our heads.

44. It's a lot easier to object to the way things are being done than it is to do them better yourself. Being a revolutionary, even in a modest way, is a lot more fun than having to take over and do it. Castro was a great revolutionary. It wasn't until he won and started running things himself that he went wrong.

45. A lot of companies spend more to package, advertise and sell their product than they spend on making it. The toothpaste in a tube that costs $1.79 probably doesn't cost ten cents to manufacture. Something's wrong here.

46. I think women should be paid as much for doing the same job as men . . . although I don't think they can lift as much.

47. I don't believe in flying saucers or the Loch Ness monster and I'm not on drugs or religion. I don't know my astrological sign.

48. If all the truth were known by everyone about everything, it would be a better world.

49. If all the truth were known by everyone about everything, most people wouldn't like it, though. If their future depends on logical decisions based on all the evidence, they're nervous. They don't think they're smart enough to make the right decision. If, on the other hand, success and happiness depends on their astrological sign or on hoping and praying or on winning the lottery, then they feel better. They think their destiny is in better hands than their own.

50. In view of how many of them are regularly found out to be scoundrels, I have an unreasonable faith in and affection for doctors. In this regard, I am very suspicious of anyone who uses the t.i.tle "doctor" who is not an M.D. There are some very good optometrists but I do not call them "doctors."

51. People are too careful with books. If you like a book, you ought to mark it up with a pencil. Publishers put too much money in the flimsy paper dust jacket on books. The first thing I do with any book that doesn't have my picture on the jacket is throw the jacket away.

52. I don't like to lock anything or take precautions against having it stolen because every time I do, I get the feeling the b.a.s.t.a.r.ds have beat me a little by making me do it.

53. It doesn't make sense to be against abortion and for the death penalty.

54. It's too bad we seem to need six or seven hours' sleep. Someone's going to invent a way for us to sleep faster.

55. It seems wrong for a state to take money from the poor and ignorant by selling them lottery tickets to collect money to help the state provide welfare and education to the poor and ignorant.

56. People talk as though they like the country better than the city but they move to the city.

57. Farmers have been quitting the farm and moving to the city for years but you never see any of them there.

58. There's an acute shortage of well-known people in America. The same ones keep appearing on television talk shows. Of course, maybe what we need is not more well-known people but fewer talk shows.

59. Ronald Reagan wasn't as successful reducing the size of government as Franklin Roosevelt was in increasing it.

60. No one wants to read a lot of good writing. There's just so much good writing a reader can take.

61. If the reviews talk about how good the acting is in the movie, I don't go see it. Like writing, there's just so much good acting I can take. Acting and writing shouldn't call attention to themselves.

62. It no longer makes any sense to bother to use an apostrophe between the n n and and t t in words like in words like dont dont and and isnt. isnt.

63. Most evenings I have two drinks of bourbon before dinner even though I am uneasily aware that the practice is difficult to defend against the charge that drinking is no different from using drugs. Drinking also isn't compatible with my belief that our best hope for happiness is clear thinking, but I try to have my thinking out of the way for the day by the time I have my first drink.

64. Journalists are more honest than other businesspeople because honesty is a hobby with them. They're amused by it. They talk about honesty at lunch. They aren't naturally any more honest, but it's on their minds.

65. There are more beauty parlors than there are beauties.

65. It's harder to avoid listening to something you don't want to hear than it is to avoid seeing something you'd rather not see.

67. We're all proud of admitting little mistakes. It gives us the feeling we don't make any big ones.

68. I'm always surprised when a light bulb burns out.

69. It's amazing that bees keep making honey, cows keep giving milk and hens keep laying eggs all their lives. There certainly isn't much in it for them.

70. It's too bad Jesus didn't have a family.

71. Getting up early in the morning is a good way to gain respect without ever actually having to do anything.

72. It sounds funny in the house without the television set on.

73. I'd get a lot more reading done in bed if I read when I woke up in the morning instead of when I crawled in at night.

74. People who are wrong seem to talk louder than anyone else.

75. I don't like any music I can't hum.

76. Ice cream was just as good when they only had three flavors, vanilla, chocolate and strawberry.

77. The middle of the night seems longer than it used to.

78. I'm satisfied with the money I make until I read how much baseball players are making.

79 . No matter how big the umbrella you carry or how good your raincoat is, if it rains you get wet.

80. When the telephone rings in a store, the person behind the counter will spend five minutes explaining something to the caller while all the customers who have bothered to come to the store stand there waiting.

81. They keep talking about how low the rate of inflation is but I notice that when I buy something that cost me only $1.98 last year, it costs $2.42 now.

82. If I'd known how many problems I was going to run into before I finished, I can't remember a single project I would have started.

83. Computers may save time but they sure waste a lot of paper. About 98 percent of everything printed out by a computer is garbage that no one ever reads.

84. Lawyers are more interested in winning than in justice.

85. There aren't many times in your life when your body has absolutely nothing wrong with it.

86. Vacations aren't necessarily better than other times, they're just different.

87. When someone tells you, "It was my fault," they don't expect you to agree with them. When they say, "You're the boss," they don't mean it.

88. No one who goes to prison ever admits he did it.

89. It gives you confidence in America to hear so many people talk who know how to run the country better than the President.

90. Doctors ought to think of some name for their outer office other than "waiting room."

91. It's lucky gla.s.s makes a loud noise when it breaks.

92. If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.

93. People aren't called "the working cla.s.s" much anymore unless they're unemployed.

94. Most people don't care where they're going as long as they're in something that gets them there in a hurry.

Dislikes 263 263 95 . Blue jeans cost less when they were called dungarees.

96. When I get sleepy driving, the only thing that really wakes me up is starting to fall asleep.

97. People in Florida talk more about the weather than people anywhere else in the world. I think it's because weather is what they're paying for and if it's good they feel it justifies the expense. If it's bad they like to think it isn't as bad as it is some places.

98. Never trust the food in a restaurant on top of the tallest building in town that spends a lot of time folding the napkins.

99. After thinking something through as well and as completely as I am able, to be sure I'm right, it often turns out that I'm wrong.

Dislikes Life is pleasant most of the time but there are some things it would be better without. I've made a partial list of things I dislike: -Special or clever license plates with the owner's nickname on them.

-Magazines that hide their index where you can't find it. The index to magazine belongs inside the first page after the cover.

-Television commercials for hemorrhoid cures, toilet paper, sanitary pads or dental adhesives. Newspaper ads for these same products don't bother me.

-Flip-top beer and soft drink cans.

-People who take up two parking s.p.a.ces with one car.

-Anything stapled together.

-Announcements in the mail that I'm the potential winner of a million-dollar sweepstakes.

-A s.p.a.ce that's too small on a form where I'm supposed to put my signature. I scrawl when I write and if I have to put it in a little s.p.a.ce, it isn't really my signature.

-Having to open a new can of coffee when I only need two tablespoons more.

-Telephone answering machines with messages at the beginning that are too long or too cute.

-Newspapers with sections that have different numbering systems from the main news sections. There may be no good way to handle this problem but that doesn't stop me from disliking it.

-The middle seat in a crowded airplane.

-Trunks of cars that have to be opened with a key. Why can't I leave the trunk of my car unlocked if I want to?

-Religious quacks on radio and television thinking up new ways to take money from ignorant listeners and incidentally from legitimate churches.

-Dirty magazines prominently displayed at a newsstand.

-A cart in the supermarket with a wobbly wheel.

-Waiting in line to pay for anything.

-Secretaries who say, "May I ask what this is in reference to?" when you call their boss.

-Admonitions from weathermen to "drive safely." All I want to know from them is whether it's going to rain or not. I'll decide how to drive.

-Recipes in a bag of flour that you can't remove without spilling flour all over.

-Hot-air hand dryers in public washrooms. I'd rather use my shirttail.

-People who play radios in public places.

-Baseball or basketball scores on the radio for teams I don't care anything about.

-People who stand too close to my face when they're talking to me. I think they're cousins of the people who move you gradually over toward the buildings when you walk down the street with them.

-Screws with slots that aren't deep enough so that they tear when you twist with the screwdriver.

Rules of Life 265 265 -Having to check a shopping bag when I go into a store. I know shoplifting is a problem but I don't like the idea of being a suspect.

-Cars with too many red taillights.

Rules of Life What follows are some rules of life: -Don't pin much hope on the mail, and when the phone rings, don't expect anything wonderful from that, either.

-If everyone knew the whole truth about everything, it would be a better world.

-Any line you choose to stand in during your life will usually turn out to be the one that moves the slowest.

-The best things in life are not free, they're expensive. Good health is an example.

-If you wonder what anyone thinks of you, consider what you think of them.

-Don't take a butcher's advice on how to cook meat. If he knew, he'd be a chef.

-Anything you look for in the Yellow Pages will not be listed in the category you first try to find it under. Start with the second. Keep in mind cars are under A for "automobiles."

-Not everyone has a right to his own opinion. If he doesn't know the facts, his opinion doesn't count.

-If you think you may possibly have forgotten something, there is no doubt about it. You've forgotten something.

-Happiness depends more on how life strikes you than on what happens.

-The model you own is the only one they ever had that trouble with. -Hoping and praying are easier but do not produce as good results as hard work.