Amusing Prose Chap Books Part 44

CHAPTER XII.

_Poor Robin's Journey to London._

Poor Robin having never been in London in his life, and being very desirous to see the city whose fame rang so loud in every man's mouth, he resolved to make a jonrney thither, and spend some time in viewing the rarities of the same; but because he was unacquainted with the city customs, he got a companion of his to go along with him. No sooner were they past Aldgate, but poor Robin seeing such a number of signs, he whispered with his friend, "Certainly," quoth he, "they must needs be all drunkards that live in this place. I never saw so many ale-houses together in my life." And thereupon beckoning to his companion, enters one of the shops and calls for a jug of beer; but they making him acquainted with his error, how they sold no drink, but if he wanted anything else they could furnish him with it. He presently without any studying asks them to show him a pair of hedging gloves, whereupon changing their opinion, instead of a fool they took him for a jeering companion; and to fit him for his gloves had him to the pump and soundly bedrenched him from head to foot. And having occasion to go through Birching Lane, and being asked by the salesmen, "Countrymen, what lack you?" "Marry," quoth he, "that which I fear you cannot furnish me withal," and being importuned of them to know what it was: "Why," quoth he, "that which you have none of I want, honesty." Night approaching, poor Robin and his walking mate repaired to their inn, where, after they had supped and drunk five or six jugs of beer with the host of the house, and some of his men (for inn-keeper's servants drink most of their beer at other men's cost), his friend loving no tobacco, and poor Robin desiring the heathenish weed to pa.s.s away the time, they agreed among themselves that every one of the company should either tell a tale or sing a song. Poor Robin, who first mentioned the same, beginning in this manner.

CHAPTER XIII.

_A Tale of a Pair of Cards._

Not many ages since a parson of a country village was accused to a committee that he was a great gamester at cards, being so addicted thereunto that he would ofttimes play on Sundays. The committee thus informed, sent for the parson to answer this accusation; who receiving the warrant made no excuse nor delay, but with all haste made his appearance before them; with him also came the informer to justify his accusation. Being thus met together, the committee began to reprove the parson for being addicted to such a vice, as to be noted for a common player at cards. "Indeed," said the parson, "I am so far from it, that I know not what a pair of cards meaneth." "Sir," quoth the informer, "if you please to search his pockets, I believe you will find a pair there at present, for he seldom goeth without such tackling." Whereupon the committee commanding his pocket to be searched, they found a pair of cards there indeed, but the parson denied them to be cards, saying, "They may be cards to you, but to me they are an almanack." And being demanded how he could make it appear, he answered thus: "First," quoth he, "here is as many suits of cards as there be quarters in a year, and as many court cards as there be months in a year, and as many cards as there be weeks in a year, and as many spots as there be days in a year.

Then when I look upon the king it puts me in mind of the allegiance that I owe to my sovereign lord the king; looking upon the queen puts me in mind of the allegiance that I owe to the queen; the ten puts me in mind of the Ten Commandments; the nine, of the nine muses; the eight, of the eight alt.i.tudes; the seven, of the seven liberal sciences; the six, of six days we ought to labour in; the five, of the five senses; the four, of the four evangelists; the three, of the Trinity; the two, of the two sacraments; and the ace, that we ought to worship but one G.o.d." Quoth the committee, "If this be all the use you make of them we can find no fault with you. But Mr. Parson, of all the cards you have nominated, you have forgot the knave; pray, what use make you of him?" "O sir," said he (pointing to his accuser), "that is your worship's informer."

"Poor Robin having ended his tale," says his friend, "I suppose that was the same parson that used to read his litany every day of the week excepting Sunday, and I being constant hearer of him, learnt it as perfectly as my pater noster."

CHAPTER XIV.

_Poor Robin's Litany._

From being turned out of doors, From town-rats, and ale-house scores, From lowsie queans and pocky bores, _Libera nos._

From tailors' bills and drapers' books, From s.l.u.ttish maids and nasty cooks, From froward wives and crabbed looks, _Libera nos._

From breaking pipes and broken gla.s.ses, From drinking healths and drunken a.s.ses, From lying lubbers and lisping la.s.ses, _Libera nos._

From paying of lawyers' fees, From mouldy bread and musty cheese, From trotting jades and scorning shes, _Libera nos._

From fetters, chains, bolts, and gyves, From pointless needles and broken knives, From thievish servants and drunken wives, _Libera nos._

From tailors' bodkins and butchers' p.r.i.c.ks, From tenpenny nails and headless spikes, And from attorneys' knavish tricks, _Libera nos._

From being taken in disguise, From believing of a poet's lies, And from the devil and the excise, _Libera nos._

From brown bread and small beer, From being taken stealing deer, From all that hath been named here, _Quesemus te._

The litany being ended the tapster comes for his reckoning, but poor Robin made answer that he should do as the rest had done, either tell a tale or sing a song. Says he, "Sing I cannot, but I will tell you how they marry in Scotland, as a Scotch priest told me that lay here, and got me to engage for him to my master for twenty shillings, and he running away, I was forced to pay his score for him."

CHAPTER XV.

_A Scotch Marriage._

We don't use to wad in Scotland as you wad in England. Jockey comes to the kirk and takes Sir Donkyn by the rocket, and says, "Good morn, Sir Donkyn." "What's the matter, Jockey, what's the matter?" "A wadding, a wadding," says he, "don't you see the hoppers and the skippers, and all the lads of the gang?" "I'se don't, I'se come to you belyve." Then Sir Donkyn gangs to the kirk, "I spee and I spee, wha a deil do you spee; Jockey of the high lane, and Jenny of the long cliff; if any know why these twa may not be wadded together, let them now speak or hold their tongue in the deil's name. Jockey wilt thou ha'e Jenny to thy wadded wife? I say, Jockey, say after me, Jockey wilt thou ha'e Jenny to thy wadded wife, forsaking all loons, lubberloons, swing-bellied calves, black lips, and blue noses? Ay, forsooth. If these twa be not as well wadded as e'er I wadded twa these seven years, the deil and St. Andrew part them."

The wedding being ended, all the company went to bed, where we will leave them till the next morning, to relate poor Robin's perambulation about the city.

CHAPTER XVI.

_Poor Robin's perambulation about the City._

No sooner did Apollo begin to appear in the eastern horizon, but poor Robin, shaking off melancholy sleep, roused his companion to prepare himself for their intended perambulation; and having armed themselves with a pot of nappy ale, they took their first walk to see the Royal Exchange, a most magnificent structure, built by Sir Thomas Gresham.

From thence they went to take a view of Leadenhall, but the exceeding bravery of the Exchange had so dimmed the beauty of the place, that it was nothing pleasing to poor Robin's eye. He made no tarrying there, but went presently down to the Tower, where having seen the lions, and from the wharf taken a superficial view of the bridge, as also the ships upon the river Thames, he became weary of beholding so many surprising objects. He had, however, far more content in seeing the ships, so admirably pleasing to his fancy it was to see how these little pretty things hopped about. But lest he should take a surfeit with such ravishing delights, his friend persuaded him to go to see the ancient cathedral of St. Paul's, being at present made a horse-guard by the soldiers, which poor Robin beholding, "What a blessed reformation,"

quoth he, "have we here! For in our country we can scarce persuade men to go to church, but here come men and horses too." Having satisfied himself with the sight of St. Paul's, they would in the next place go to visit Westminster, the rather because it was at term time, where, beholding so great a number of lawyers in their gowns, he cried out, "Oh, let us begone from this place, for if two or three make such a quarrel in our town, certainly there is no abiding here for men in their wit." A country gentleman overhearing him, "I remember," quoth he, "once I heard a story of a man that went down to h.e.l.l, wherein he beheld men of all professions, ages, and conditions, saving only lawyers, which made him the more to wonder, because he imagined them all there, and asking the devil the reason, he made this reply, 'We have them here though you see them not, but we are forced to keep them in a room by themselves lest they should set all the devils in h.e.l.l at variance.'"

Poor Robin laughed very heartily at this tale, and having now satisfied his inn, and having discharged all reckonings, his friend and he returned home.

CHAPTER XVII.

_Many odd Whimsies and Conceits of Poor Robin._

Poor Robin daily frequenting the tavern and ale-house had learned of his companions many drunken whimsies and other odd conceits, as the five properties that belong to an host, that he must have the head of a stag, the bag of a nag, the belly of a hog, skip up and down like a frog, and fawn like a dog. As also the four ingredients whereof a woman's tongue is made, viz.: The sound of a great bell, the wagging of a dog's tail, the shaking of an aspen leaf tempered with running water.

When poor Robin had gotten a cup in his crown, as it oftentimes happened, he would then be playing the poet, and nothing but rhymes could then come out of his mouth; for as one writes:

Poet and pot doth differ but one letter, And that makes poets love the pot the better.

Amongst other of his conceits, this following comparison was much used by him:--

Like a purse that hath no c.h.i.n.k in't, Or a cellar and no drink in't, Like a jewel never worn, Or a child untimely born, Like a song without a foot, Or a bond and no hand to't, Such doth she seem unto mine eyes, That lives a virgin till she dies.

The money doth entice the purse, The drink in the cellar quencheth thirst, The jewel decks, if worn it is, The child soon dies, abortive is; The end o' the song doth sweetest sound, The hand doth make the party bound.

So she that marries e'er death takes her, Answers that for which Nature makes her.

"Women," said he, "are all extremes, either too willing, or too wilful; too forward or too froward; too courteous or too coy; too friendly or too fiendly." This made Arminius, a ruler in Carthage, refuse to marry, saying, "If I marry a wife, she will be wilful; if wealthy, then wanton; if poor, then peevish; if beautiful, then proud; if deformed, then loathsome; and the least of these is able to plague a thousand men."

THE END.