Among the Humorists and After Dinner Speakers Part 58

Senator Dawes, in his young manhood, was a very poor speaker. One time he was in an important law case, and for his opponent he had an older attorney whose eloquence attracted a crowd that packed the courtroom.

The day was very hot and the judge on the bench was freely perspiring.

Finally the judge, drawing off his coat in the midst of the lawyer's eloquent address, said:

"Mr. Attorney, excuse me, but suppose you sit down and let Dawes begin to speak. I want to thin out this crowd."

A doctor spending a rare and somewhat dull night at his own fireside received the following message from three fellow pract.i.tioners:

"Please step over to the club and join us at a rubber of whist."

"Jane, dear," he said to his wife, "I am called away again. It appears to be a difficult case--there are three other doctors on the spot already."

George, the four-year-old grandson of an extremely pious and devout grandfather, came rushing into the house in a state of wild excitement. "Grandpa! Grandpa!" he called. "Mr. Barton's cow is dead!

G.o.d called her home!"

Philander C. Knox tells this story of Roosevelt: "Roosevelt," he said, "was surprised by a Kansas delegation at Oyster Bay one summer. The President appeared with his coat and collar off, trousers. .h.i.tched by belt, and mopping his forehead. 'Ah, gentlemen,' he said, '_de_lighted to see you, _de_lighted. But I am very busy putting in my hay, you know. Just come down to the barn with me and we'll talk it over while I work.' Down to the barn hustled the delegation and Mr. Roosevelt seized a pitchfork. But, behold there was no hay on the floor! 'John,'

shouted the President to sounds in the hayloft; 'where's all the hay?'

'I ain't had time to throw it back since you threw it up yesterday, sir.'"

Before the President of a certain Western college had attained his present high position, a boy entering college was recommended to his consideration.

"Try to draw the boy out, Professor; criticise him, and tell us what you think," the parents said.

To facilitate acquaintance the Professor took the boy for a walk.

After ten minutes' silence the youth ventured: "Fine day, Professor."

"Yes," with a far-away look.

Ten minutes more, and the young man, squirming uncomfortably, said: "This is a pleasant walk, Professor."

"Yes."

Another silence, and then the young man blurted out that he thought they might have rain.

"Yes," and this time the Professor went on saying, "Young man, we have been walking together for half an hour, and you have said nothing which was not commonplace and stupid."

"Yes," said the boy, his irritation getting the better of his modesty, "and you endorsed every word I said."

Word from the Professor to the parents was to the effect that the boy was all right.

A dear old citizen went to the cars the other day to see his daughter off on a journey. Securing her a seat he pa.s.sed out of the car and went around to the car window to say a last parting word. While he was leaving the car the daughter crossed the aisle to speak to a friend, and at the same time a grim old maid took the seat and moved up to the window.

Unaware of the change the old gentleman hurriedly put his head up to the window and said: "One more kiss, pet."

In another instant the point of a cotton umbrella was thrust from the window, followed by the wrathful injunction: "Scat, you gray-headed wretch!"

There is a young physician who has never been able to smoke a cigar.

"Just one poisons me," says the youthful doctor.

Recently the doctor was invited to a large dinner-party. When the women had left the table cigars were accepted by all the men except the physician. Seeing his friend refuse the cigar the host in astonishment exclaimed:

"What, not smoking? Why, my dear fellow, you lose half your dinner!"

"Yes, I know I do," meekly replied the doctor, "but if I smoked one I should lose the whole of it!"

Once, when Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes was at a charitable fair, he was asked to furnish a letter for the "post-office." So he placed a one-dollar note inside a sheet of paper and wrote on the first page:

"Dear lady, whosoe'er thou art, Turn this poor page with trembling care; But hush, oh, hush, thy beating heart, The one thou lov'st best will be there."

When the page was turned the one-dollar bill was revealed, and on the second page he wrote this verse:

"Fair lady, lift thine eyes and tell If this is not a truthful letter; This is the 'one' thou lovest well, And naught (0) would make thee love it better."

As several travelers got into the station 'bus one of the men (who was quite a portly fellow) noticed that a certain young woman had a grip exactly like his, but that it was placed with the rest of the luggage, on top. Thinking there might be some mistake made he kept his inside and placed it at his feet. He was soon engrossed in his paper, and did not notice the young woman reach over and draw the grip close to her side. Being of a humorous turn of mind he waited until she was occupied with a book and then pulled the grip to its former position, the rest of the travelers looking on with amused expressions.

In turning over a leaf she looked down and suddenly became aware of the removal of the grip. She was quite indignant, and with some force in her voice and manner said, "That is _mine_!" and jerked it back close to her feet.

Touching his hat politely the owner said, with a merry twinkle in his eye: "All right, madam; but may I please get my pipe and nightshirt out? You are welcome to the rest of the things!"

President Eliot, of Harvard, is not a believer in spelling reform. Not long ago there was a student who was a candidate for the degree of doctor of philosophy. This student had adopted spelling reform as his particular line of work, and as commencement day drew near he went to President Eliot with a request. "You know, Mr. President," he said "that you are proposing to make me a Ph.D. Now I have made a specialty of spelling reform and I always spell philosophy with an 'f.' I therefore called to ask you if you could not make my degree F. D., instead of Ph.D."

"Certainly," replied the President. "In fact, if you insist, we shall make it a D. F."

The following letter was received by the Post-office Department. It came from a Western postmaster at a small office and read: "In accordance with the rules of the department, I write you to inform you that on next Sat.u.r.day I will close the post-office for one day, as I am going on a bear hunt. I am not asking your permission to close up and don't give a d.a.m.n if you discharge me; but I will advise now, that I am the only man in the county who can read and write."