Among the Humorists and After Dinner Speakers Part 3

A physician engaged a nurse, recently graduated, for a case of delirium tremens. The physician succeeded in quieting his patient and left some medicine, instructing the nurse to administer it to him if he "began to see snakes again." At the next call the physician found the patient again raving. To his puzzled inquiry the nurse replied that the man had been going on that way for several hours, and that she had not given him any medicine.

"But didn't I tell you to give it to him if he began to see snakes again?" asked the physician.

"But he didn't see snakes this time," replied the nurse confidently.

"He saw red, white, and blue turkeys with straw hats on."

Shortly after his entrance into political life Disraeli stood for a certain Middles.e.x borough in the Conservative interest. It was a "personally conducted" canva.s.s, and, among others, the future Prime Minister solicited the vote and interest of a well-to-do but somewhat irascible farmer, who was supposed to be rather doubtful in his political convictions.

"Vote for you!" he shouted when Mr. Disraeli made known the object of his call. "Why, I'd vote for the devil sooner."

"Ah, quite so!" said Mr. Disraeli, suavely, "but in event of your friend not standing, may I hope for your interest?"

An ambitious youth once sent his first MS. to Dumas, asking the distinguished novelist to become his _collaborateur_. The latter was astounded at the impertinence. Angrily seizing his pen, he wrote: "How dare you, sir, yoke together a n.o.ble horse and a contemptible a.s.s?"

He received the following reply:

"How dare you sir, call me a horse?"

His anger vanished and he laughingly penned the following:

"Send on your MS., my friend; I gladly accept your proposition."

An old farmer recently came into possession of a check for $200. He finally summoned up nerve enough to go to the bank.

"What denomination?" said the teller, hastily, as the check was pa.s.sed in through the window.

"Luther'n, gol darn it. But what has that got to do with it?"

A young woman was in company with a university graduate, and naturally the talk ran upon books. By and by there was a lull in the conversation, broken presently by the young woman, who said: "What do you think of Fielding, Mr. Smith?"

"Oh," was the answer, "fielding is important, of course; but it isn't worth much unless you have good pitching and batting."

General Frederick D. Grant said to his servant one morning: "James, I have left my mess boots out. I want them soled."

"Yes, sir," the servant answered.

The general, dressing for dinner that night, said again:

"I suppose, James, that you did as I told you about those boots?"

James laid thirty-five cents on the bureau.

"Yes, sir," said he, "and this is all I could get for them, though the corporal who bought 'em said he'd have given half a dollar if pay day hadn't been so far off."

President Lincoln once wrote to General McClellan, when the latter was in command of the army. General McClellan, as is well known, conducted a waiting campaign, being so careful not to make any mistakes that he made very little headway. President Lincoln sent this brief but exceedingly pertinent letter:

"_My dear McClellan_: If you don't want to use the army I should like to borrow it for a while.

"Yours respectfully,

"A. LINCOLN."

It was at a children's party in West Kensington. The youngsters had just done more than justice to the luxurious spread provided by their hostess, and games were now the order of the evening.

"Now, children," said she, "we will play the zoo, and each of you must represent a different animal."

Then, going to a little girl, she asked:

"Now, Carrie, what are you going to be?"

"I'll be an elephant."

"And you, Reggie, what are you going to be?"

"I'm going to be a lion."

"And what are you going to be, Hilda?"

"I'm going to be a tiger."

Then, crossing to the other side of the room, the hostess, noticing a youngster sitting all alone, asked:

"And what are you going to be, Tommy?"

"P-please," was the halting reply, "p-please--I'm going--to be sick."

A man who had been convicted of stealing was brought before a certain "down East" judge, well known for his tender-heartedness, to be sentenced.

"Have you ever been sentenced to imprisonment?" asked the judge, not unkindly.

"Never!" exclaimed the prisoner, suddenly bursting into tears.

"Well, well, don't cry, my man," said his honor consolingly; "you're going to be now."