Alpine For You Part 23

"What kind of pitch?"

"A somewhat original one. For an additional fee, he'll come to your room and cut your hair in the nude."

"Last call for Swissair flight 328," announced the voice over the loudspeaker.

"This isn't fair," I complained. "We're not supposed to leave for another half hour. Why do we have to board so soon?"

"What time is it?" Etienne asked against the corner of my mouth.

I plucked my Swiss Army knife out of my raincoat pocket. "It's--" I regarded the clock face, then pinched my eyes shut in hopeless resignation.

"What's wrong?"

I held the knife up for his perusal.

"Ah, yes. It's something of a problem to quote the correct time when your clock has no hands."

I slid the knife back into my pocket. "If I'd known Jane's head was that hard, I wouldn't have thrown it. But it's not a total loss. It performs twenty-nine other functions."

"Last call, please," the agent blared over the loudspeaker.

"I gave you my phone number," I said desperately. "You'll call me?"

"I'll do one better," Etienne said as he lifted me against him for a final farewell kiss. "I just bought a new home computer. Do you have an E-mail address?"

At eleven o'clock in the morning three days later, I was sitting in the office of Mr. Ollie Erickson, president of the Windsor City Bank. I'd returned the envelope of medical forms to him and was waiting with bated breath to see if he'd make good his promise to reimburse my expenses for the trip. Considering what a fiasco the Golden Swiss Triangle Tour had turned out to be, I wasn't getting my hopes up.

"Too bad about Andy and d.i.c.k," Ollie remarked as he sat behind his big walnut desk. "It was nice of the Teigs and Stolees to stay with Lucille over there in Lucerne until they could make arrangements to fly d.i.c.k's body home. Helen called this morning to tell me they'd be on a flight back tomorrow."

"The five of them must be prostrate with grief," I said.

"Actually, Helen said they'd been trying to stay occupied. They've visited a Swiss castle, taken a cheese tour, and today they drove down to Lugano, where Switzerland meets Italy. She said the weather is spectacular. Eighty degrees and sunny. They even had to use sunblock."

I wrestled with my tongue, trying not to bite through it. "How nice for them."

"Now, what are we going to do about you, Emily?"

I could hear it in his voice. I was going to have to pay extra for s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g up. d.i.c.k Stolee had decided to sue me for a.s.sault. The Swiss police had discovered that d.i.c.k Ra.s.smuson had actually died on German soil rather than in Switzerland, and I was wanted for questioning. Bernice was blaming me for damaging her hearing aid and I'd have to buy her a new one. And that was just the obvious stuff. To borrow a phrase, Uff da. Uff da.

"Will a check for five thousand dollars cover it?" he asked.

Eh! It was worse than I'd imagined. "Five thousand dollars? I don't have have five thousand dollars! At least, I don't have it right now. But when I find a job, maybe we could set up some kind of payment plan where I send in small amounts of money every month. It might take me a few years to pay it back, but if you give me a favorable interest rate, maybe--" five thousand dollars! At least, I don't have it right now. But when I find a job, maybe we could set up some kind of payment plan where I send in small amounts of money every month. It might take me a few years to pay it back, but if you give me a favorable interest rate, maybe--"

"I don't think we're communicating very well, Emily." He slid a piece of paper across the desk. "I want to give you you five thousand dollars. Considering all you had to put up with on the trip, I figure it's the least I could do. That should cover all your trip expenses plus provide you a little extra for pain and suffering." five thousand dollars. Considering all you had to put up with on the trip, I figure it's the least I could do. That should cover all your trip expenses plus provide you a little extra for pain and suffering."

My mouth fell open, but I remained speechless. As my mother would tell you, a rare occurrence indeed.

"George Farkas just dropped off the evaluation forms that everyone filled out on the plane, and I must tell you, I've never seen anything like them."

Euw boy. I wondered if he'd notice if I ran out the door about now.

"Other than one mark of poor, which we eliminated because it was from Bernice, you received no mark below outstanding, Emily."

"I didn't?"

"Everyone loved you."

"They did?" I suspected George had somehow mixed up my evaluation forms with Wally's, but discretion being the better part of valor, I didn't mention the possibility.

"As you know, since Andy's untimely death, we're minus one tour escort. What would I have to do to interest you in filling the position, Emily? Now that you're on the payroll, I'd hate to lose such a conscientious, hardworking, efficient employee. The job pays an annual salary of forty-five thousand dollars, and you get to travel on the bank's dime. We're planning trips to Australia, England, and Italy, but our next scheduled trip will be a ten-day tour of Ireland. What do you say?"

Was he nuts? Did he think I was crazy enough to take another trip with these people? Did he think I could continue saving them from themselves? Did he think I enjoyed bad food and lousy weather? Did he think I wouldn't go insane dealing with the lost luggage, dead bodies, unscheduled dental work, and broken watches? Did he think I had no pride? No self-respect? No-- "Did you say Italy?" I'd always wanted to visit Italy. To ride in a gondola on Venice's Grand Ca.n.a.l. To toss a coin into the Trevi Fountain. To eat spaghetti prepared by someone other than Chef Boyardee. Italy wasn't so far away from Switzerland. And Etienne was in Switzerland. Hmm.

"Okay." After my Golden Swiss holiday, I could use a vacation.

Coming Soon From Pocket Books Top O' the Mournin'

A Pa.s.sport to Peril Pa.s.sport to Peril Mystery Mystery Maddy Hunter Available September 2003 Wherever books are sold Turn the page for a preview of Top O' the Mournin'....

Chapter 1.

The guidebook says the weather in Ireland is normally wet, except when it isn't, which can be often, or not often at all. The sun can can shine, mostly when it's not raining, but it rains most of the time, except when it doesn't. shine, mostly when it's not raining, but it rains most of the time, except when it doesn't.

In other words, the weather in Ireland is a metaphor for my life.

I'm Emily Andrew, twenty-nine-year-old once-married working girl with a degree in theater arts, currently employed as escort for a bank-sponsored group of Iowa senior citizens on a ten-day tour of the Emerald Isles.

Going back to my weather metaphor, my life had been sunny when I'd moved to New York City after receiving my BA, married fellow actor, Jack Potter, and landed a part in a Broadway play. The rain started when Jack began wearing my underwear. The deluge hit when he left me a note one night telling me he was running off with his leading man's understudy.

When the shock wore off, I did what any native Midwesterner with no money to pay Big Apple apartment rent would do. I moved back to my hometown of Windsor City, Iowa, had the marriage annulled, and found a job where I could use my acting skills. Phone solicitations.

For three years I was the premier fund-raiser for Playgrounds for Tots, until the president of the organization was arrested for fraud because there WAS no organization.

He went to jail. I went to Europe. Not Not as a fugitive from justice. I had a long-standing commitment to be my grandmother's companion on a seniors' tour of Switzerland, so off I went, hoping to ease my jobless woes by experiencing the vacation of a lifetime. as a fugitive from justice. I had a long-standing commitment to be my grandmother's companion on a seniors' tour of Switzerland, so off I went, hoping to ease my jobless woes by experiencing the vacation of a lifetime.

It turned out to be an experience all right. We were promised temperatures in the seventies. Spectacular views of the Alps. Gourmet cuisine. What we got was bone-chilling cold. Dense fog. A steady diet of cornflakes. And three dead guests.

The one ray of sunshine on the trip was that I met the man of my dreams. Etienne Miceli, the police inspector who investigated the three deaths. He's everything my first husband wasn't. Forthright. Dependable. Heteros.e.xual. We've been communicating by phone and E-mail for eight months now, and you might say our relationship is at a crossroads. It's too intense not to be together. But he lives in Switzerland. I live in Iowa. See what I mean about my life? Rain. Sun. Rain. Sun. Not unlike the weather in Ireland.

"Dublin's nothin' like I imagined," said my grandmother. Her voice vibrated as we jounced down one of Dublin's most traveled thoroughfares in the back of a horse-drawn carriage. Nana was known as "a sport" in her retirement village back in Iowa. She'd won millions in the Minnesota lottery the day my grampa pa.s.sed away, so in her golden years, she had the means to go anywhere and do anything, and she was taking full advantage of the opportunity. "Is it like you imagined, Emily?"

"I imagined rain." I peered skyward in search of storm clouds, but found only a brilliant wash of blue. Windex blue. Like Etienne's eyes. I sighed with the thought. In Dublin for five hours and already I was suffering the first pangs of loneliness. I needed to snap out of it, else it would be a very long ten days.

Our hackney driver tipped his head to the right. "Saint Shtephen's Green," he said in a lilting brogue. "Firsht enclosed in 1664. Twenty-two acres of manicured lawn, ponds, and quiet in the middle of Ireland's busiest s.h.i.ty."

Cute accent, but he could use some speech therapy for the lisp.

"Remember that statue a Molly Malone?" Nana whispered, referring to the shapely bronze sculpture we'd seen on an earlier walk down Grafton Street. "Why do you s'pose they made her so bosomy? Did you see the cleavage? I bet she was wearin' one of them push-up bra.s.sieres. Probably where she got that nickname, 'Tart with a Cart.'"

"Wait a minute. I I wear a push-up bra, and wear a push-up bra, and I'm I'm not a tart." not a tart."

Nana patted my knee. "Of course you're not, dear. You marry the men you sleep with. I think that's very commendable. Oh look! A double-decker bus. I've always wanted to ride in one of those. Haven't you?"

I'd never given public transportation much thought. What I really really wanted was to be one of the great stage actresses of the century. Windsor City boasted only a small community theater, so the odds were against me, but I remained optimistic. Entering a new century had given me an extra hundred years to make a success of myself. wanted was to be one of the great stage actresses of the century. Windsor City boasted only a small community theater, so the odds were against me, but I remained optimistic. Entering a new century had given me an extra hundred years to make a success of myself.

"Easy, Nell." Our driver steadied his horse as she chafed against her traces. "She's frishky today. To your left is the Shelbourne Hotel." He guided us past the elegant, redbrick building where our tour group was scheduled to spend our first night in Ireland. "Built in 1824. They sherve a brilliant afternoon tea in the Lord Mayor's Lounge at half-three."

The wrought iron railings and flower-glutted window boxes reminded me of the quaint little hotel where Jack and I had honeymooned so many years ago, and, recalling our wedding night, I smiled. Poor Jack. He'd possessed the extraordinary good looks of a Greek G.o.d but the brain chemistry of a Greek G.o.ddess. And it had only taken me two years to figure it out. Am I a quick study or what? I hope he'd found happiness with his partner, living in upstate New York, laying kitchen tile, but that didn't seem the kind of existence that would make him happy. Jack was happiest when he was onstage, sporting layers of pancake makeup and eyeliner. But he was probably happier now than when he'd been married to me. And so was I. Mostly because I didn't have to share my underwear anymore.

As we rounded the north corner of St. Stephen's Green, I sat back in my seat, soaking up the Dublin atmosphere. The hordes of people. The crush of traffic. The blare of horns. The stench of diesel fumes.

"Do you smell that?" Nana asked suddenly.

"Diesel. Must be the fuel of choice over here."

"That's not it. Smells more like"--she inhaled deeply--"alcohol." She plucked her guidebook out of her Golden Irish Vacations Tour bag and flipped through the pages. "I remember readin' there's a Guinness brewery nearby, and they give away free samples at the Hopstore."

"But Guinness is dark beer. You don't like dark beer. You don't like beer, period."

"I know, dear, but I like free samples. Look here, the Guinness brewery is number seventeen on the map. Maybe our driver could drop us off if we pa.s.s by. Should we ask?"

I gave her one of my patented "It can't hurt" shrugs and leaned forward, tapping the driver on his back. "Excuse me. If we pa.s.s the Guinness brewery, could you--"

In the next instant he slumped forward and landed on the floor of the carriage with a thump.

Nana gasped. "You didn't need to push him, Emily. A polite tap would a worked."

"I didn't push him! Oh my G.o.d. What's wrong with him? Is he dead? He can't can't be dead. This be dead. This can't can't be happening again!" I'd discovered three dead bodies on the be happening again!" I'd discovered three dead bodies on the last last tour we'd taken. If it happened on this trip, too, I'd be labeled a jinx and could probably kiss my tour escort job good-bye. tour we'd taken. If it happened on this trip, too, I'd be labeled a jinx and could probably kiss my tour escort job good-bye.

We popped out of our seats for a better look. "Does he look dead to you?" I asked.

"All's I can tell from this angle is that he's bald."

"I'll check his pulse."

"No!" yelled Nana. "Grab the reins!"

My gaze fell on the leather straps that were slithering out of the driver's hand. I lunged across the back of the seat, arm extended, but they disappeared over the dashboard before I could seize them. I looked at Nana. Nana looked at me.

"Unh-oh," I said. The carriage swayed suddenly, then lurched forward as Nell discovered her head. With no driver to guide her, she broke away from her traditional route, jumped the curb, and shot down the sidewalk at a full gallop. b.u.mPITY-b.u.mP. b.u.mPITY-b.u.mP. Nana tumbled back into her seat. I clutched the driver's seat for support. Pedestrians leaped out of the way at our approach. Into bushes. Onto the hoods of parked cars. People gawked. People pointed. I saw a group of j.a.panese tourists crowding the sidewalk ahead of us. "Get out of the way!" I screamed, flailing my arms. "Move!"

I heard excited chatter and a symphonic click of camera shutters as we screeched around them on two wheels and swerved onto the main walkway of Saint Stephen's Green.

"Do somethin'!" Nana bellowed at me.

"Like what?"

"Make the horse stop!"

"That wasn't part of my training!" On the other hand, if the horse were choking, drowning, or needed CPR, I was your girl.

"Cowboys did it in the old movies all the time!" Nana yelled. "Jump on her back and grab her reins. I'd do it myself if I wasn't wearin' my good panty hose."

I knew nothing about horses. I was from Iowa. I knew about seed corn, which wasn't really helpful in this situation. I did have an idea though. "HELP!" I cried. "Somebody help us!"

The park became a blur of trees, shrubs, and flower beds as Nell raced across a lush stretch of lawn that looked like the course at Pebble Beach, only without the ocean view. Fat clods of gra.s.s flew left and right beneath her hooves. Divots here. Divots there. b.u.mPITY-b.u.mP. b.u.mPITY-b.u.mP. Unh-oh. This wasn't good. Parents grabbed their children and ran for cover. Oh my G.o.d. What if we plowed into someone and killed them?

I craned my neck to peek at our driver again. The violent jostling was causing his body to skid toward the open end of the carriage. One major dip in the terrain, and he'd shoot out of the vehicle like a log out of a flume.

I needed to do something.

"Look at that pretty circle a red flowers up ahead," Nana said in a high vibrato, as we approached a major intersection of pathways. "Be nice to stop for a picture."

We were beyond them before I had time to blink.

"I don't mean to complain, dear, but we're missin' all the good photo opportunities."

I scrambled over the backrest of the driver's seat, crouching precariously on the cushion. "Whoa, Nellie!" I yelled.

THUMP-THUMP. The carriage pitched sharply to the right, bouncing the driver across the floor. I grabbed a fistful of his jacket to keep him from falling out. I looked up.

Dead ahead was a stand of trees, and Nell was racing straight toward them.

"Hold on tight!" I yelled to Nana.

I ducked low on the seat. WHUP-WHUP! WHUP-WHUP! Foliage thrashed the sides of the carriage as we whipped between two trees. I heard an ominous creak. I opened one eye to see what was ahead.

Oh no.

We hit the pond at breakneck speed and hurdled the concrete lip like one of the losing drivers in the chariot race in Ben Hur. Ben Hur. Off flew a front wheel. Off flew a back wheel. Off flew a front wheel. Off flew a back wheel. Creeeeek! Creeeeek! KABOOM! The sudden stop catapulted me off the seat and into the air. I landed on my back in a foot of water that shot up my nose all the way to my brain. Snorting, sputtering, and blinded by streams of nonwaterproof mascara, I jackknifed upward to hear a man shout, "You there! There's no swimming allowed in the pond!" KABOOM! The sudden stop catapulted me off the seat and into the air. I landed on my back in a foot of water that shot up my nose all the way to my brain. Snorting, sputtering, and blinded by streams of nonwaterproof mascara, I jackknifed upward to hear a man shout, "You there! There's no swimming allowed in the pond!"

I let out a startled yelp as our driver's body sluiced out of the carriage and landed eyeball-to-eyeball on top of me.

"That goes for him, too!" the man added.

Most single women who visit Ireland probably dream of having their bones jumped by an Irishman as witty as Oscar Wilde, as inspiring as William Butler Yeats, and as handsome as Pierce Brosnan. That my bones were being jumped by a short, bald guy who didn't appear to be breathing was fairly typical of the direction in which my life was headed. All that was missing was the freelance photographer who would snap my picture and sell it to a tabloid newspaper. I could see the headlines now: TOUR ESCORT HAS s.e.x WITH DEAD MAN IN POND! That would go over really well in Windsor City.

It was at that moment that I heard the unmistakable whirr of Nana's new Polaroid Insty-Print camera. "Smile, dear!"

"Here's one of the pond in Saint Stephen's Green." Nana handed Tilly Hovick a photograph as we stood at the front desk of the Shelbourne Hotel, waiting for our room keys. Tilly was a retired professor of anthropology at Iowa State University, and was slated to be Nana's roommate for the duration of the tour.