Allison Bain Part 36

"G.o.d guide him! G.o.d keep him safe from sin," she prayed, as she went down the street.

Mrs Hume stood at the door of the manse, waiting to welcome her, and the sight of her kind face woke within the mother's heart a momentary desire for the eas.e.m.e.nt which comes with the telling of one's anxious or troubled thoughts to a true friend. Loyalty to her son stayed the utterance of that which was in her heart. But perhaps Mrs Hume did not need to be told in words, for she gave silently the sympathy which was needed, all the same, and her friend was comforted and strengthened by it.

"Yes," said she, "I am coming back again in the spring. It is more like home here among you all than any other place is likely to be now; and John will ay be coming and going, whatever he may at last decide to do."

Perhaps the silence of the minister as to John's new intentions and plans implied a doubt in his mind as to their wisdom. Mrs Beaton was silent also with regard to them, refusing to admit to herself or to him, that her son needed to have his sense and wisdom defended.

But they loved John dearly in the manse, and trusted him entirely, as his mother saw with a glad heart. So her visit ended happily, and no trace of anxiety or regret was visible in her face when John met her at her journey's end.

CHAPTER TWENTY ONE.

"The very rod, If we but kiss it as the stroke descendeth, Distilleth oil to allay the inflicted smart."

And so their new life began, and long before the first month was over, Mrs Beaton was apparently as content with the state of affairs as could well be desired. She had no trouble as to household matters, and sat with her book or her needle at one side of the table, while her son sat with his books and his papers at the other side, very much as they had done during those evenings which John had spent at home in Nethermuir.

Robert Hume lived in the same house, and their meals were served together. But Robert pursued his college work in his own room, and only came as a visitor to Mrs Beaton's parlour when his books were put aside. John still spent several hours daily in Mr Swinton's office, and all the rest of the time he was busy also with his college work. To see her son content, was enough for Mrs Beaton.

To give the history of one day would be giving the history of nearly all the days of the winter, except as the Sabbath made a break among them, Robin was reasonably industrious, but he could not be expected to satisfy himself with the unbroken routine into which John readily fell.

He had his own companions and his amus.e.m.e.nts, and their meals were enlivened by his cheerful accounts of all that was happening in the world around them. At his books Robert did fairly well, but he was not likely to overwork himself.

They heard often from Marjorie by the way of the manse, and several times during the winter a little letter came to Robin or to John, written with great care and pains by her own hand. She was very happy, she said, and she had not forgotten them; and by and by she hoped to be able to tell them that she was growing strong and well.

Twice or thrice during the winter Brownrig made his appearance at the office of Mr Swinton. He had, each time, something to say about business, but apparently the laird had changed his mind about the building of the new wing, for nothing more was to be done for the present.

John could not help thinking that his chief reason for coming there was to see him, in the hope that he might hear something about William Bain.

More than once he brought his name into their talk, asking if Mr Beaton had heard anything of him, and hoping that he was doing well. On his second visit, meeting John in the street, he turned and walked with him, and told him that one of the lads who had sailed with Bain had been heard from by his friends. The ship had been disabled in a storm before they were half-way over, and had gone far out of her course, but had got safely into a southern port at last.

The pa.s.sengers had gone their several ways probably, and lost sight of one another, for this lad could tell nothing of Bain, though he had himself safely reached the town where Mr Hadden, the minister's son, lived, and to which Bain had also intended to go. "I thought perhaps you or your friend might have had some word from him, as you had taken some trouble to help him," said Brownrig.

"No, that is not at all likely," said John, "at least as far as I am concerned. Neither likely nor possible. He never saw me, nor I him.

He never, to my knowledge, heard my name, and it was only by chance that I ever heard his. But I will give you the name of the man who used to go to the tollbooth on Sunday afternoons. It is just possible, though not very likely, that he may have heard from him."

John wrote the name and address, and gave it to him.

"Have you been at the shipping office for news?" said he.

Yes, Brownrig had been there, and had been told that the ship was refitting in the American port, and would soon be home, but that, was all he had heard. Whenever it was possible to do so, John kept out of the man's way. He had spoken to him nothing but the truth, yet he could not help feeling like a deceiver. And though he told himself that he was ready to lie to Brownrig, rather than say anything that might give him a clue by which the hiding-place of Allison Bain might be discovered, still lying could not be easy work to unaccustomed lips, and he said to himself, "the less of it the better." So he did not encourage Brownrig when they met, and he kept out of his way whenever it was possible for him to do so. But he pitied the man. He was sorry for the misery for which there could be no help, since Allison Bain feared him, even if she did not hate him. He pitied him, but he could not help him to gain his end. Whether it were right or whether it were wrong, it was all the same to John. He could not betray to her enemy the woman who had trusted her cause in his hands.

But while he pitied him, Brownrig's persistence in seeking him irritated him almost beyond his power to endure. And the worst of it to John was, that he could not put it all out of his thoughts when Brownrig had turned his back upon the town, and had gone to his own place.

He grew restless and irritable. He could not forget himself in his work as he had been able to do at first, nor fix his attention upon it at all, at times. He read the same page over and over again, and knew not what he read; or he sat for many minutes together, without turning a leaf, as his mother sometimes saw, with much misgiving as to how it was all to end. And when it came to this with him, it was time for her to speak.

"John, my lad," she said suddenly one night, and in her voice was the mother's sharpness which is so delightful to hear and so effectual when it is heard only at long intervals; "John, my lad, shut your book and put on your coat, and take Robin with you for a run on the sands, and then go to your bed."

John's dazed eyes met hers for a moment. Then he laughed and rose, yawning and stretching his arms above his head.

"You are right, mother, as you always are. We'll away to the links;"

and his cheerful voice calling up-stairs for Robin to come down at once, was music to the ears of his mother.

"There's not much wrong with him," she said to herself hopefully.

"He'll win through, and begin again, when once he is fairly free."

She meant that when "those weary examinations" were all over, he would have time to rest and come to himself, and be ready for his work, whatever it was to be. And--hopeful old mother that she was--she meant more than that. She meant, that before this son of hers, who was wiser and stronger and better than the sons of most mothers, lay a fair future. "The world was all before him where to choose." He would only be the stronger for the weight of the burden which had fallen so early on his young shoulders. In time he would forget his dream, outlive his disappointment, and be not the worse, but the better for the discipline.

He would go his way and serve his Master, and win honour among good men. "And I'll bide at home and hear of him whiles, and be content,"

said the anxious, happy mother, with tears in her loving eyes.

In the meantime John was on the sands, facing the wind, which drowned his voice as he sang:

"Will I like a fule, quo' he, For a haughty hizzie dee?"

But it was not the wind which silenced his song, for Allison Bain was no "haughty hizzie" of the sort, "Who frown to lead a lover on," but a sad and solitary woman, who might have a sorrowful life before her.

"To whom may the Lord be kind!" said John, with a softened heart. "I love her, and it is no sin to love her, since I may never see her face again."

And many more thoughts he had which might not so well bear the telling; and all the time Robin was bawling into his inattentive ears an account of a battle of words which had taken place between two of his friends, who had agreed, since neither would acknowledge defeat, to make him umpire to decide between them.

When they, turned their backs to the wind and their faces homeward, hearing and answering became possible. They had the matter decided to their own satisfaction before they reached the house, and their merry sparring and laughter, and the evidence they gave of an excellent appet.i.te when supper-time came, might have been rea.s.suring to Mrs Beaton, even had she been more anxious than she was about her son.

After that John was more careful of his looks and words and ways, when in his mother's presence. All tokens of weariness or preoccupation or depression were kept out of her sight; and, indeed, at all times he felt the necessity of struggling against the dullness and the indifference to most things, even to his work, which were growing upon him.

He did his best against it, or he thought he did so. He forced himself to read as usual, and when he "could make nothing of it," he took long walks in all weathers, so as to keep his "helplessness" out of his mother's sight, believing that when the necessity for exertion should be over--when he could get out of the groove into which it would have perhaps been better that he had never put himself, all would be as it had been before. And said he grimly:

"If the worse comes to the worst, I can but fall to breaking stones again."

It ended, as it generally does end, when a man sets himself to do the work of two men, or to do in six months the work of twelve, in order to gratify a vain ambition, or to lighten a heavy heart. It took no more than a slight cold, so it was thought to be at first, to bring the struggle to an end, and the work of the winter.

There was a night or two of feverish restlessness, of "tossing to and fro until the dawning of the day," a day or two of effort to seem well, and to do his work as usual, and then Doctor Fleming was sent for. It cannot be said that there ever came a day when the doctor could not, with a good conscience, say to John's mother, that he did not think her son was going to die; but he was very ill, and he was long ill. The college halls were closed, and all the college lads had gone to their homes before John was able, leaning on Robert's arm, to walk to the corner of the street; and it may be truly said, that the worst time of all came to him after that.

He had no strength for exertion of any kind; and worse than that, he had no motive, and in his weakness he was most miserable. It was a change he needed, they all knew, and when the days began to grow long and warm, something was said about returning to Nethermuir for a while.

"To Nethermuir, and the lanes where Allison used to go up and down with little Marjorie in her arms, to the kirk where she used to sit; to the hills which hid the spot where his eyes first lighted on her!"

No, John could not go there. He had got to the very depths of weakness when it came to that with him--and of self-contempt.

"There is no haste about it, mother," said he. "The garden? Yes, but I could do nothing in it yet. Let us bide where we are for a little."

Robert, who had refused to leave while John needed him, went home now, and Mr Hume came in for a day. Robert had "had his own thoughts" for a good while, indeed ever since the day when John had gone to his morning walk without him; but Robert had been discreet, and had kept his thoughts to himself for the most part. During John's illness the lad had been about his bed by night and by day, and he had now and then heard words which moved him greatly--broken words unconsciously uttered--by turns angry, entreating, despairing. Foolish words they often were, but they brought tears to Robin's "unaccustomed eyes," and they turned his thoughts where, indeed, all true and deep feeling turned them, toward his mother.

Not that he had the slightest intention of betraying his friend's weakness to her. How it came about he did not know--it had already happened more than once in his experience--before he was aware the words were uttered.

They were going together, by special invitation from Delvie, to see the tulips in the Firhill garden. They went slowly and rested on the way, not that they were tired, but because the day was warm and the air sweet, and the whole land rejoicing in the joy of the coming summer; and as they sat in the pleasant gloom which the young firs made, looking out on the shadows of the clouds on the fields beyond, it came into Robin's mind that there could be no better time than this to tell his mother some things which "by rights" ought never to have happened, but which, since they had happened, his mother ought to know. They should never happen again, he said to himself, and he swore it in his heart, when he saw her kind eyes sadden and her dear face grow grave as he went on.

Then when she had "said her say," and all was clear between them again, he began to speak about John Beaton; and before he was aware, he was telling her what he knew, and what he guessed of the trouble through which his friend was pa.s.sing; then he hung his head.

"I never meant to speak about it," said he. "It is only to your mother, Robin. And I have had my own thoughts, too. Oh! yes, many of them. I am sorry for John, but he needed the discipline, or it would not have been sent, and he'll be all the wiser for the lesson."

But there was no comfort in that for Robin. "It is like betraying him, mother," said he. And when it was one night made known in the house that his father was going to Aberdeen, and that his chief reason for going was to see how it was with John Beaton, Robin's eyes sought those of his mother in doubtful appeal. His mother only smiled. "Cannot you trust your father, Robin?" said she. "I canna trust myself, it seems,"