Alice in Blunderland Part 6

"Wringer," laughed Alice.

"All right, there you are," said Central, making the desired connection.

"Is this Mrs. S. Van Livingston Smythe?" asked Alice.

"Yes," said a sweet voice from the other end of the line. "What is it?"

"I am Bridget O'Flaherty," said Alice, "of the Munic.i.p.al Laundry, and I wanted to ask was your grandfather ever a monkey?"

It was not a very polite question, but under the excitement of the moment Alice could think of nothing better to ask.

"I don't believe so, Mrs. O'Flaherty," came the sweet voice in answer.

"I have looked over every branch of our family tree and there isn't a cocoanut on it. Why, are you looking for a missing grandfather of your own?"

"No," smiled Alice, "but I've read all the books in the public library and I thought he might have a tail to tell that I would find amusing."

"Well, I'm very sorry," said the sweet voice. "Grandfather died forty years ago, so I don't believe he can help you. I would advise you to go up to the Monkeyhouse and ask one of your own brothers. Good-bye."

"Good-bye," said Alice.

"Well?" asked the Hatter with a grin. "What do you think of it?"

"Why--it's perfectly wonderful," said Alice. "If that were to happen in New York or even in Brooklyn or Binghamton Mrs. S. Van Livingston Smythe would have been very indignant, not only over the question, but for the mere fact that the--er--wash-lady dared ring her up at all."

"Exactly," said the Hatter, with a bland smile of satisfaction. "This Munic.i.p.aphone controlled by strict rules which people must obey is a great social leveller."

"But why did Central want my name and address?" asked Alice.

"Because Central has to keep a record of all that everybody says for the Inspector of Personal Communications," explained the Hatter. "Every word you and Mrs. Smythe spoke was recorded at the Central Office, and if either of you had used any expression stronger than Fudge, or O Tutt you would have been fined five dollars for each expression and repet.i.tion thereof. We expect to establish Civic Control of Public and Private Speech within the next year, and we have begun it with supervision of the Munic.i.p.aphone."

"But," cried Alice, "If I had said something that required a fine, wouldn't Mrs. O'Flaherty, who is innocent, have had to pay?"

[Ill.u.s.tration: "FINED FIVE DOLLARS"]

"Yes," said the Hatter. "But in all cases where the public welfare is concerned, private interests must yield however great the hardship. That is one of the fundamental principles of Munic.i.p.al Ownership. Mrs.

O'Flaherty would have to suffer in order that the great principle involved in Polite Speech for all Cla.s.ses might prevail. The strict enforcement of our anti-Gosh legislation has resulted almost in the complete elimination of profane speech in Blunderland--so much so in fact that in the new Dictionary we are compiling such words as Golramit, Dodgast.i.t, and Goshallhemlocks are being left out altogether."

[Ill.u.s.tration: "THE DICTIONARY WE ARE COMPILING"]

"It is a great moral agency," said the White Knight. "It increases the self-respect of the submerged, curbs the pride of the rich, and holds in complete subjection those evil communications which corrupt good manners."

"And nothing but the result of Munic.i.p.al Ownership," put in the March Hare enthusiastically, forgetting his grouch for a moment.

"It has other advantages, too," said the Hatter, "to which I feel I should call your attention. These phones being in every room in town with which anybody may be connected at any moment and thus overhear what other people are saying, gossip is gradually dying out, and people everywhere are more careful of what they say even in private, for nowadays the walls literally have ears. To give you an example, I will connect you at once with the home of the d.u.c.h.ess whom you met, if you remember, in your journey through Wonderland and you may judge for yourself of how useful this Munic.i.p.aphone is to us in ascertaining the general trend of public opinion."

[Ill.u.s.tration: "ALICE TRANSFIXED AT THE PHONE"]

The Hatter gave the order to Central and in a minute Alice stood transfixed at the phone listening intently. She recognised the voice of the d.u.c.h.ess immediately.

[Ill.u.s.tration: "THE BIGGEST JACKa.s.s FROM DAN TO BEERSHEBA"]

"As for that old fool of a Hatter," she was saying, "he is the biggest jacka.s.s from Dan to Beersheba."

"Well?" said the Hatter. "Can you hear her?"

"Yes," giggled Alice. "Very plainly."

"What does she say?" asked the Hatter, simpering.

"Why," said Alice reddening, "she--she's talking about you."

"The dear d.u.c.h.ess," e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.ed the Hatter, with a foolish smirk. "I'm very much afraid--ahem--that the d.u.c.h.ess has her eye on me."

"She has," said Alice. "She is referring to you in the warmest tones--she thinks you're big--great--the very greatest from Dan to Beersheba."

"Ah me!" sighed the Hatter. "If I were only a younger man!"

"They'll make a match of it yet," said the White Knight in a soft whisper to Alice.

"Yes," sneered the March Hare, who had overheard, jealously, "and a fine old sulphur-headed lucifer of a match it will be too.

"Well, it's all very nice," said Alice, very anxious to change the subject. "But I can't say that I'm sure I'd like it. Why, you can't have any secrets from anybody."

"And why should you wish to, my dear child?" asked the Hatter, coming out of his dream of romance. "Why not so order your life that you have no need for secrecy?"

"Yes," said Alice. "I suppose that is better, but then, Mr. Hatter, isn't there to be any more private life?"

"Not under Munic.i.p.al Ownership," said the Hatter. "Carried to its logical conclusion that with all other so-called private rights will be merged in the glorious culmination of a complete well rounded Munic.i.p.al Life. It is toward that Grand Civic Eventuation that I and my a.s.sociates in this n.o.ble movement are constantly striving."

"Are you going to have Munic.i.p.al Control of Marriage?" asked Alice, slyly.

The Hatter blushed and smiled foolishly. "I--ah--am thinking about that," he said with a funny little laugh. "It would be a most excellent thing to do, for in my opinion a great many people nowadays get married too thoughtlessly. Just because they happen to love each other they go off and get married, but under Munic.i.p.al Control it would be much more difficult for a man or a woman to take so serious a step. For instance, if I had my way the Common Council would have to be asked for permission for a man to marry. The question would come up in the form of a bill, which would immediately be referred to the Committee on Matrimony, who would discuss it very thoroughly before bringing it before the Council.

If a majority of the Committee considered that the application should be granted, then the matter should be placed before the whole Council, by which it should be debated in open public sessions, the applicant having been invited to appear and under cross-examination by the District Attorney demonstrate his fitness to be married. All others knowing any reason why he should not be married should also have the opportunity to appear and state their reasons for opposing the granting of the application. I am inclined to believe that this would put a stop to these hasty marriages which have given rise to that beautiful proverb, Married in Camden, Repent at South Dakota."

"I should think it would," said Alice. "And when do you propose to start this plan along?"

"Well, you see," said the Hatter with a giggle, "before I take final steps in the matter I wish to have a few words with--er--well--you know who--I----"

"The d.u.c.h.ess," Alice ventured.

"Ah, you precocious child!" cried the Hatter, tapping Alice on the shoulder coyly. "You must not believe all you overhear the d.u.c.h.ess say about me. She is so prejudiced, and blind to my faults. I--I'm almost sorry I connected you with her over the Munic.i.p.aphone."

CHAPTER VI

THE DEPARTMENT OF PUBLIC VERSE