Airhead: Being Nikki Part 4

And, I mean, I knew from the way everyone (except Brandon) reacted to me that Nikki must have been pretty awful back in the day.

But I had a hard time believing shed cut her own big brother out of her lifenot to mention never having said a word about him to her best friend. Who, by the way, was shooting me an astonished look over my I dont mean to be rude.

Nikki! Lulu cried. Of course Steven is who he says he is! How could you even ask such a thing?

Well, I said. I felt bad for having to ask. I really did. If Nikki had kept a family photo instead of press clippings of herself anywhere in the loft, I wouldnt have had to. But none of this was my fault. Im sorry. But you have to admit, Lu, thereve been a lot of guys lately with kind of similar stories, and Im just trying to My voice trailed off. This was because Steven had reached around to his back pocket, pulled out a wallet, opened it, and unveiled a school photo of a smiling young blond girl in pigtails and braces. He held the wallet, photo dangling forward, in front of me.

Wait. What was this?

FIVE.

THIS TURNED OUT TO BE A PHOTO OF Nikki Howard. Which in and of itself wouldnt have been that extraordinary. There were hundreds"no, thousands"of photos of Nikki Howard all over the place.

But this one was of Nikki Howard in that extremely awkward phase all of us go through when were thirteen, just turning fourteen. What Britney Spears called not a girl, not yet a woman.

Id never have guessed Nikki Howard had gone through that phaseor anything that could remotely be called awkwardlet alone have allowed anyone to take a picture while she was going through it. From what I could tell, Nikki was nothing if not ruthless about having all photos in which she looked the slightest bit bad destroyed.

But not this one, thats for sure.

Oooooh, Lulu cooed as she leaned forward to peer at the photo. Look at you, Nik! You had braces! And were you using Sun-In back then? My G.o.d, Im surprised you have a hair left on your head.

Flip to the next photo, Steven said to me.

Obediently, I flipped to the next photo.

It was of Nikki in the same hairdo and braces beside a slightly younger version of Steven, hosing down a poodle that looked not unlike Cosabella, only with black fur, in what looked like some kind of doggie grooming parlor. Both siblings"and they looked even more alike in this photo, recognizably related"were grinning, although Nikkis grin looked strained, what Id come to recognize (having seen endless Polaroids of my new face during photo shoots) as her hurry-up-and-take-the-photo-already-Im-sick-of-this smile.

That, Steven said, about the photo of the two of them, was taken about the year before you decided you were embarra.s.sed to be seen with me. And Mom. Before that talent agent ladys car broke down outside of town and she saw you at the Stop n Shop and asked if youd ever thought of modeling, and the next thing we knew, she was signing you up to be the new Face of Stark. Next time I saw you, it was on the cover of some magazine.

I nodded. I believed him now. This sounded too much like the Nikki I knew"the one who kept only photos of (and press clippings about) herself lying around"not to be true.

Okay, I said softly, handing the wallet back to Steven. Im sorry. Of course youre really my brother. I-Im not saying I didnt believe you. Even though I hadnt. I justI mean, I had to check. Thereve been a lot of creeps whove shown up saying all kinds of crazy things. Sowhat have you found out so far? About, um, Mom?

That no ones seen or heard from her since shortly after your accident. He said the word accident like there were quotes around itor like he didnt believe thered ever been one. She hasnt used any of her credit cards since then, either. Or paid any of her bills.

Lulu gasped. Oh, my gosh! she cried. I saw an episode of Law and Order like this once! Did anyone call the police?

I shot her a warning look. I mean, this was the guys mother we were talking about, not some TV show. I didnt want him getting upset. Or more upset than he already was.

Well, Lulu said, noticing my look but evidently not registering why what she was saying might be upsetting to anyone. What if theres been foul play? On the Law and Order episode I saw where this woman disappeared, everyone thought shed run off with her boyfriend, but really she was inside the couch the whole time because the boyfriend had conked her on the head and hidden her dead body there! Your mom could be inside the couch. Did anyone look?

Lulu, I said severely.

I notified the local police when I got home and found her gone, Steven said. I realized the reason he wasnt offended by Lulu was because he was ignoring her again. I tried calling you to see if youd heard from her, but you wouldnt return my calls. So I had to come here in person to see if youd heard from her.

I bit my lower lip. But what could I say? His call was just one of thousands Id ignored on Nikkis cell. Thankfully, Steven went on without seeming to expect a comment from me.

The cops said theres nothing they can do. A woman not using her credit cards or refusing to answer her cell phone and leaving her apartment and business in a lurch isnt a crime. Its more like she went on vacation without telling anybody. And took her dogs with her.

Well, I said hopefully. Maybe she did just that.

You think Mom just took off, Steven said, on vacation, without letting any of her customers know she was going? She didnt cancel any of her grooming appointments. She hasnt paid up the rent on either her apartment or the kennel. You really think thats something a dedicated business owner like Mom would have done"left for a fun-filled vacation without finding someone to take over her appointments first?

So, Lulu said, looking wide-eyed. You really think your momsmissing? No one knows anything about where she could be?

No one Ive talked to, Steven said. Nikki was my last hope. But"he glanced down at the espresso in front of him, which by now had gone cold"I guess that was a waste of time.

Maybe I can get a printout or something of the incoming calls Ive had, I offered. I desperately wanted to do something"anything"to help him. He just looked so tired and sad. And see if any of them were from your"I mean, Mom. Then maybe we can see if the phone company can figure out where she was when she made them.

They can triangulate her position through the position of the cell towers, Lulu said. When we both glanced at her, she said, I saw that on an episode of Law and Order, too. Then she added, Oh, and you can hire a private detective, Nikki! My dad used to hire those to follow my mom around when he thought she was cheating on him. She gave Steven a brilliant smile. I come from a broken home.

Im sure if hed ever seen a single episode of Entertainment Tonight, he already knew this. But Steven wasnt paying any attention to her.

I dont want Nikki to do anything she doesnt feel comfortable doing, he said stiffly.

Its no problem, I said. Ill hire a private investigator to findMom. Maybe you can recommend some good ones, Lulu, since you seem to have so much experience with them.

Oh, yeah, Lulu said, twinkling. No, really. She twinkled as she said it, like freaking Tinker Bell. Mind you, detectives arent cheap.

That shouldnt be a problem, Steven said, with a smile in my direction. Nikki can afford it.

I smiled sweetly back at him, but all I could think was, I am so dead. And not even literally, for once. I couldnt hire a detective. A detective was only going to uncover stuff related to my brain transplant and blow this Stark thing sky-high, and next thing I knew, itd be on CNN and Id be on the run from Brandons dads armed gunmen.

And dont tell me Robert Stark doesnt have them.

Okay, just calm down and smile at the nice sailor and go, Okay, fine then. So, Ill start calling private eyes first thing in the morning. Seriously. This was my life now? Well, why not? Id already had a brain transplant and had to wear mascara every single day. Why not this?

And in the meantime"Lulu twinkled some more in Stevens direction"you have to stay here with us. Because were having this holiday party, and we want you to be the guest of honor.

I threw Lulu another warning look, because having Nikkis brother stay with us didnt exactly seem like a good idea to me. For one thing, we only had the two bedrooms, so where was he going to sleepon the couch? And for another, how long was it going to take him to catch on that I wasnt calling private detectives like I said I wouldoh, and that I wasnt his sister at all but another girl living in his sisters body? Plus, there was the whole thing about him being the guest of honor at a party at which I wasnt even going to be in attendance, except I hadnt quite worked up the courage to tell the hostess yet And what about our loft possibly"okay, probably"being bugged by parties unknown (even though I was pretty sure who was responsible)?

Uh, Steven said, looking uncomfortable. Who could blame him? I was a virtual stranger to him (in more ways than he knew). Thanks for the invitation, but I grabbed a hotel room uptown"

Lulu looked horrified.

A hotel room! she cried. No! Youre family! Stay here. Thatll give you and Nikki a chance to reconnect. Right, Nikki?

Sure, I said, hoping Steven didnt sense my reluctance. Although we do only have the two bedrooms"

He can sleep in my room, Lulu volunteered. Then, looking a little embarra.s.sed"a first for Lulu"she explained, What I mean is, Nikki has this huge, king-size bed. I can sleep with her and, Steven, you can have my room.

No, Steven said, not unkindly. There was warmth in his voice, and in his expression"real, human warmththe first Id seen him show since meeting him downstairs in the lobby. I felt bad about the fact that I had no intention of helping to look for his mother. Wait. I did intend to help him look for his mom. I just didnt intend to hire a detective to do it.

Only how do you find a missing woman on your own?

Thanks, thats really nice of you, Steven said. But I wouldnt want to put you out"

Stay, I heard myself saying.

I dont know what came over me. I mean, I needed Nikki Howards brother hanging around the loft like I needed a(nother) hole in my head.

But I knew from something Id seen in the photo hed shown me"the one of him and Nikki washing the dog"that Steven Howard loved his mother. I was pretty sure shed been the one taking the picture that he had in his wallet. The look in his eyes as he gazed at the person holding the camera had been one of pure"if slightly irritated"affection.

I knew what I had to do. And that was everything I could to help him find her. It was the least I could do to make up for Nikki having been such a horrible sister and daughter. So horrible she had never even kept a picture of either her brother or her mother in her room or wallet.

Really, I said, when he turned his astonished gaze toward me. You have to. I insist.

You insist? He gave me a strange look. I didnt know if it was because Id used the word insist, and thats not the kind of thing Nikki ordinarily would have said, or because he was the older one and he wasnt used to Nikki bossing him around.

Whatever the reason, my insisting did the trick. He shrugged, and said, Well, if you insist. Ill just go back uptown then and get my gear.

Then, without another word, he slid off the kitchen stool and headed for the elevator.

No one seemed to have come home from either the gym or Starbucks since Nikkis brother and I had got off the elevator earlier, because the elevator door slid right open. He stepped inside and looked at Lulu and me for the second before the door closed again.

See you in a few, he said. And then the door closed, and he was gone.

SIX.

OKAY, SO THINGS WERE BAD. BUT THEY still werent that bad. Nikki Howards brother may have been moving in, and her mom may have been missing, and I might have put myself in charge of finding her.

But at least Nikki had a brother and mom, whereas a few hours ago, Id thought of her as a siblingless orphan. Well, practically. Some family was always better than none, right?

Of course, it was a little annoying that every five seconds, my roommate kept going, Do you think he liked me?

That was all Lulu could ask.

And ask.

And ask again.

Id never seen Lulu like this over a guy. Granted, I hadnt known her all that long.

But even if I didnt know her at all, Id have been able to tell: She had the hots (and that was putting it mildly) for Nikki Howards big brother.

Which was sad, because I was pretty sure the feeling wasnt mutual.

In fact, Im fairly certain that was why Lulu liked Steven Howard so much. He was the first guy shed ever met who wasnt a hundred or obviously gay (because even though Im almost positive Steven Howard isnt gay, you can never be sure, especially with military men and the whole dont-ask-dont-tell thing) who didnt like her back.

He had to like me a little bit, Lulu was saying, as she lay sprawled across my bed, still in her silky pajamas. I mean, Im cute, right?

Youre so cute, I a.s.sured her, jamming my feet into a pair of Stark brand imitation Uggs. I seriously never thought Id be caught dead"ha-ha"in a pair of these, since every girl I knew at Tribeca Alternative had a pair, including my own sister. I wouldnt wear them at all if I wasnt required to by my employer. Stark brand Ugg knockoffs were the hot new thinghalf the price of the real ones. Although, believe it or not, they were the most comfortable footwear you could put on if the bottoms of your toes were raw from having been clinging to a cliff face the night before. Also if youd spent an hour pacing the length of your apartment while calling your cell service provider, begging them to give you a printout of all the calls youd received"not made"on your cell phone for the past two months.

I am cute, Lulu said firmly as she rubbed Cosabellas ears, breaking into my reflections. Im totally cute! He just doesnt know me yet. Every guy who gets to know me agrees"Lulu Collins is cute! And, anyway, Stevens all b.u.mmed out from the awful way youve treated him over the years. I mean, no wonder hes all tortured and moody and stuff.

Hey, I said, shooting her a wounded look. I was completely guilt-stricken over the fact that I hadnt recognized my own brother. Well, Nikkis brother. And how I was going to have to get to the bottom of his mothers disappearance and find her myself if it was the last thing I did. Even though I didnt know how.

Oh, right, Lulu said. I forgot. The old you was the one that was mean to Steven. Sorry. Still. How could you have treated him that way? Hes so hot. Ive never met a guy that hot. Did you see those arms. I mean, Lulu went on, bunching one of my pillows beneath her head, and staring dreamily up at my ceiling, he looked strong enough that if he lifted me, he could do it with just one hand. Did you notice that?

Uh, I said, slipping on a fitted leather jacket, then snapping my fingers for Cosabella to come to me. Hes my brother, Lulu. I wasnt exactly checking out his arms. Because, ew. Look, if anyone calls, Im just going to take Cosy for a walk for an hour or so. Ill be back soon. Okay?

Mrs. Captain Steven Howard, Lulu breathed, still staring up at the ceiling. No"Mrs. Major Steven Howard!

Lulu had totally lost it. It was sad, really, what a uniform could do to a girl. I hoped shed be feeling more like herself when I got home. Or that shed at least have brushed her teeth.

In the meantime, I had places to be. I left my room, threw on a scarf and gloves and woolly cap and sungla.s.ses (even though it was still gray and dismal outside. But I didnt need anyone recognizing me. Until I started walking around in a celebritys body, I had no idea what they had to go through, with people grabbing them and screaming and trying to get them to talk on their cell phones to their friends in Pasadena just to prove theyd really met them), then grabbed Cosys leash and a dog coat for her (because dogs get cold and wet exactly like we do; Cosabella actually shivered like a person when she got cold), my tote of gifts for my family, and finally left the building, heading across town toward Washington Square Park.

It wasnt somewhere I was supposed to be. In fact, my handlers at Stark had subtly been encouraging me not to go home to visit my parents since the first time I went there in my new body (and brought Lulu). It wasnt hard to imagine how they knew wed been therenot once I saw the holes in the ceiling in the loft. I just tried to make sure none of them brought any Stark brand electronic products home, even as promotional gifts from Stark.

But there was nothing I could do about the fact that Im regularly followedat least by paparazzi (though not today. The weather outside was horrible. It was spitting little drops of ice crystals that stung my skin wherever it was exposed, and the temperature had to be barely thirty degrees out. Anyone sane was staying in where it was warm and dry).

Then againwhoever said the paparazzi were sane?

I didnt think I was being paranoid about feeling as if I were being spied on. Pictures of me doing the most innocuous things were popping up all over the place. I could be at the corner deli, buying toilet paper at eleven oclock at night, for Petes sake, and the next day a picture of me would show up on Page Six, looking all pasty and strung out (because it was after a shoot and I was exhausted and had no makeup on and it was eleven oclock at night at the corner deli and I was buying toilet paper, the toilet paper Lulu should have remembered to buy, but hadnt), and the story underneath my photo would read, Whats Nikki Howard been smoking? Wed sure like some of that! when I had not, in fact, been smoking anything, because I dont smoke.

How had they even gotten that photo? I never saw a flash go off. There wasnt anyone in the store with me except the clerk. It was creepy, thats what it was.

Because next thing I knew, this extremely unflattering photo, in which I did, in fact, look high or stoned or whatever, was on every Internet gossip site known to man, with even less complimentary captions than Whats Nikki Howard been smoking?

And then my mother was calling, wanting to know if we needed to talk about my recreational drug use. My mother! It was bad enough that Gabriel Luna, hot up-and-coming British Latino heartthrob singing sensation with whom I was constantly being thrown together because hes on the Stark label, and who always seemed to see me out in clubs with Lulu and Brandon (where I drank nothing stronger than water, thanks very much), believed my press and thought I had chemical dependence issues (although in Gabriels case, he knew Id been hospitalized a couple of months agojust not for what). But my own mother?

Yeah. Someone was spying on me, all right. For all I knew, he could be watching as I stood on the corner of Houston and Broadway at this very moment, cursing the fact that I hadnt brought along an umbrella to ward off the sleet. Although if I had, I probably wouldnt have been able to juggle it and Cosys leash and my tote and Nikki Howards cell phone, which suddenly went off. I had to fumble around in my pocket to find it instead of just letting it go to voice mail as usual, because I was afraid it might be Nikkis mom, and Id miss her, and then Id have even more to feel guilty about.

h.e.l.lo? I said.

It wasnt Nikkis mother, though. It was Nikkis agent, Rebecca. Who was exactly like a mom, if you asked me. If your mom smoked and wore four-inch heels and talked through a headset all the time and said things like, Ten thousand? Are they high? or kept asking you if youd remembered to keep your bikini line electrolysis appointment (Yeah. Nikki has no hair down there. Well, a strip. Talk about creepy. But it cuts down on the amount of time I have to spend getting waxed by Katerina).

Why are you calling me on a Sunday? I asked her, when she said, Thank G.o.d, youre there.

You know I work seven days a week, Rebecca replied in her smoke-roughened voice.

Youre supposed to take Sundays off, I informed her. Even G.o.d took Sunday off.