Airhead: Being Nikki Part 12

The idea of Lulu going to bed before me was so laughable I almost choked. I knew she had only done it to impress Steven with how responsible she was. As if.

Uh, yeah, I said. I collapsed at one end of the couch on which he was sitting and began tugging at the high-heeled boots I was wearing. Theyd been killing my feet all day"except during the brief interlude when Id been wearing the Louboutins, when my feet ached in a different way. I almost longed for the Stark brand imitation Uggs. I better head to bed. Sorry I was out all day. Rehearsal ran late. Did you get dinner?

Lulu took care of me, Steven said, with a nod. She made sure I got the entire tour of downtown Manhattan, including Chinatown, Ellis Island, and the Statue of Liberty.

Wow, I said. Cosabella hopped up onto the couch beside me, and now that my boots were off, I absently stroked her ears. Thats a lot. No wonder she went to bed. Arent you tired, too?

I am, Steven said. But I wanted to wait up for you. We need to talk.

I was instantly seized with alarm. I knew I hadnt exactly been spending the hours since Id last seen him doing what Id said Id do"hiring a private investigator. In fact, Id been doing very little in the way of looking for his momunless you counted giving Christopher Mrs. Howards Social Security number.

Then thered been that piece of information Dr. Higgins had told me. Which was not exactly the kind of thing you wanted to share with a guy. At least not at one in the morning.

What? Steven said, before I could say a word. What are you not telling me?

I blinked at him, wondering how he knew.

Um, I said. I did hear something"

How do you tell someone youve heard their mom is crazy?

I guess you just blurt it out. Which I did. Because I couldnt exactly hide it, could I?

Do you think its possible maybe, what with you away, and her relationship with me not being the best, your mom might have justsnapped? I hear she wasnt the most mentally stable person in the world to begin with, I said, all in a rush. People at Stark say"

People at Stark say? Steven stared at me like I was the one with a screw loose. Which couldnt possibly be true, because I just had all my screws examined and theyd been ruled completely tight. What do the people at Stark know? Theyve never even met her!

Dont be mad, I said. I was starting to feel worse than ever. And I didnt mean my sore feet. Im really sorry. But maybe, because youre her son, you dont want to see that"

See what? Steven demanded. That Mom worked her whole life to feed and put two kids through school single-handedly because Dad ran out on us when I was seven and you were two? That none of us ever heard from him again, but Mom still managed to get you everything you ever wanted for Christmas, even though we could barely afford it? That when you wanted ballet lessons because your best friend had them, Mom took on an extra job, working even more hours, just so you could have those, too? And now you dont want to bother looking for her because someone at Stark told you she was off her rocker?

Whoa. Id screwed up. Big-time. Why had I believed Dr. Higginss version of things, instead of Stevens? Why had I fallen for the lies of a doctor who worked for a corporation I knew to be evil?

I knew why, actually. Because it had been easier than doing the right thing"the responsible thing"which was actually helping Nikkis brother. Especially when Id been so wrapped up in Christophers drama these past few days. I couldnt believe how stupid and selfish Id been, worrying about nothing but me this whole time, when Nikkis family had been in so much real trouble and pain. What did I have to be concerned about, really? Whether or not Christopher liked me? Whether or not people saw me in a bra made out of diamonds? Here a woman was missing"a woman whod sacrificed so much for her kids"and Id just been trying to avoid doing anything about it, really.

I bowed my head, so Steven couldnt see the guilt on my face, and said to Cosabella, whod crawled into my lap, Im sorry.

There were a couple seconds of uncomfortable silence before Steven asked, his voice cracking, Who are you?

I lifted my head and just stared at him.

W-what? I stammered.

I mean it. I wasnt the only one whod been staring. Steven couldnt seem to take his disconcertingly blue eyes off me. I honestly dont have the slightest idea who you are. Because youre not my sister. You look like her. And your voice sounds like hers. But the words coming out of your mouth arent anything like the things shed say.

A small croaking sound came out of my mouth. I managed to formulate it into, I h-have amnesia"

Enough with the amnesia thing, Steven snapped. You arent Nikki. Shed never apologize to me for anything. You have to be some kind of twin they found somewhere and put in her place for some reason. Ill admit they did a good job. A really good job, since you look exactly like her, even down to that" He grabbed my hand and pointed to a tiny crescent moon-shaped scar Nikki had on the back of one hand, the hand I was resting on Cosabellas furry head. Whatd they do, carve you up to make you look identical? That must have smarted. He threw my hand down again. Hope youre getting paid a lot.

I didnt know how to handle this. No one at Stark had prepared me for this, or told me what to do in the event it occurred. I was starting to feel panicky. What was I supposed to say? No one had ever not fallen for the amnesia line. Id talked to hundreds of Nikkis friends and coworkers, and while theyd all agreed the new Nikki was a little strange, none of them had ever accused me of not being Nikki at all I just shook my head, looking up at him and saying, I dont know what youre talking ab"

You know exactly what Im talking about, Steven said. Just tell me. What happened to Nikki? What, did she get fired for getting too full of herself or something? It wouldnt be the first time. Where is she, anyway?

I reached up with a shaking hand to push some of Nikkis hair from my face. I glanced around the roomthen at the ceiling, at the tiny holes next to the halogen lights. Then I pressed a finger to my lips and pointed upward. Steven followed my gaze, then looked back down at me as if I were insane. A second later, I reached for the remote and hit the volume b.u.t.ton. The sounds of Shark Week filled the apartment. Then I got up and walked over to the stereo cabinet and switched on the last disk that had been playing. Lulus voice filled the loft, crooning that she was a cat, and how much she needed to get scratched.

Then I went to the lofts floor-to-ceiling windows and threw them all open, letting in blasts of cold air and the sound of the traffic from Centre Street, below.

What are you doing? Steven demanded.

But instead of answering him, I sat down again, and looked urgently up into his face.

I cant tell you what happened to your sister, I said, not raising my voice to be heard above the cacophony of the television, the stereo, and the traffic sounds. Ill get in really big trouble if I tell you. Well, I wont, but my family will.

Stevens gaze sharpened.

So you admit youre not her. His voice was hard.

I shook my head. I do, I said. I mean, I am, partlyon the outside.

What do you mean, on the outside? Steven glared. That makes no sense.

I know. I was staring down at Cosabella, who had gone completely limp across the couch between us, as if she were in a coma, she was so relaxed, in spite of all the noise. G.o.d, Id have given anything to have been a dog just then. I cant explain it. But you have to believe me. Nikki"the Nikki you knew"is gone.

Gone? Steven asked. What do you mean, gone? Gone as in" He looked disbelieving.

Yes, I said. She had an aneurysm. It was like a ticking time bomb in her head. She had a rare congenital brain defect"

No, she didnt, Steven said. Now he didnt just look disbelieving. He looked like he was going to burst out laughing. Who told you that? Did she tell you that?

Um, no, I said. I was pretty sure laughter wasnt the correct response when someone told you that your sister had died of an aneurysm in the brain. I never met her, exactly"

So whats this BS about her having some kind of genetic brain defect? Steven wanted to know. Nikki was healthy as a horse. My whole family is. None of us has any genetic defects, believe me, and especially not Nikki. She hit her head falling off the back of the bleachers in school and they did a CAT scan and an MRI when she was in the ninth grade, and there was no sign whatsoever of any brain defect. Who told you there was?

I swallowed. Then I said softly, Stark.

Stark. He stared at me. The same people who told you my mothers a fruitcake.

I opened my mouth, then closed it again. Umyeah.

And you believe them?

I couldnt really tell him I had pretty good reason to believe them. That if it werent for Stark, I wouldnt be there talking to him.

I chewed my bottom lip before I replied. I have no reason not to, I said finally. It seemed like the most diplomatic answer.

Let me ask you something, Steven said, leaning forward. When did all this happen? You stepping into Nikkis shoes, so to speak, and her having this so-called aneurysm?

It wasnt so-called, I protested. People were there. They saw it. It was during the grand opening of a Stark Megastore. It was on CNN. It really"

Fine, he said with an impatient wave of his hand. When?

Three months ago, I said.

He seemed to do some mental arithmetic. Around the same time, he murmured.

Around the same time as what? Then it clicked. As when your mom disappeared? I looked at him curiously. Butwhat would the two things have to do with each other?

I dont know, he said. But its a little bit more than a coincidence, dont you think? And now, with Stark feeding you this story about my mom being mentally unhinged"

Youre saying you think Stark had something to with your moms disappearance? My mouth had gone dry.

Why wouldnt Stark have had something to do with his moms disappearance, though? Stark spied on me all day and night. Stark knows everything, sees everything. Starks legacy is murder.

Isnt it obvious? Steven asked. Look at you. Youre so paranoid about Stark, you cant even talk about it without turning on every piece of stereo equipment in the apartment. Do you honestly think this place is bugged?

Instead of answering, I leaned over to reach for my purse, then pulled out my bug detector and turned it on. The audible alert clicked faster and faster the closer I waved the antennae toward the ceiling and the holes above our heads.

And dont say its a piece of junk, I said, referring to the transmitter, because I paid nearly five hundred dollars for it.

Steven blinked. Oh, he said. Its a piece of junk, all right.

It isnt, I insisted. I know theyve got something in here, recording what we say. They knew you were here. They know all sorts of things they couldnt know otherwise.

Im a communications electronics technician, Steven said patiently. With the United States Navy. And Im telling you, what youre holding is a piece of junkwhich isnt to say it doesnt work.

I felt a cold chill up my spine. Really?

Really, he said. He took the detector from me and stood up, holding the antennae toward the ceiling himself. The clicking grew in intensity and volume.

How long have those been there? he asked, nodding toward the holes.

I dont know, I whispered. I just noticed them one day.

Not good, he said. He took the transmitter from me and switched it off, then threw it down onto the couch. What are we going to do about it?

What do you mean, what are we going to do about it? I asked.

Two women are missing, Steven said. And Stark obviously knows why.

Only one woman is missing, I said through my too-dry lips. I told you, Nikki is"

Gone, right, you said that. Only shes not, really, is she? He looked down at me expectantly from where he stood.

No, I said. Legally, shes alive. Because legally, shes me.

Steven stared down at me some more. He waited a beat. Then he said, Youre kidding me. Right?

Im not, I said. My heart was thumping hard within my chest. I had to tell him. I had to tell him the truth. He deserved to know. It was his sister, after all. I had to make him understand. This is your sister Nikkis body. But her brain is"

Before I knew what was happening, hed reached down and seized me by both shoulders, hauling me to my feet, and startling Cosabella, who yelped. He didnt seem to notice, though.

What the h.e.l.l are you talking about? he demanded, giving me a shake. How can this be my sisters body?

Suddenly, I was having trouble seeing him, thanks to all the salt water coming out of my eyes.

I cant tell you, I cried. They already may have made your mother vanish. Do you really think I want to get on their bad side? You dont understand. You dont understand what theyre like, how powerful they are, how much money they have"

Stevens grip on me was pretty hard. I had a feeling he could leave marks on my arms, which wouldnt look too good on the Stark Angel taping if they didnt fade by New Years.

This is crazy, Steven said, giving me another little shake to emphasize each syllable. Cosabella, watching from the couch, let out a nervous bark. Youre crazy, do you hear me? Every word that comes out of your mouth is nuts.

Im not nuts, I insisted. Its called a brain transplant. My brain, in your sisters body"

That seemed to stagger him. But he didnt let go. Stark? Stark did this? If Stark did all this"if theyre really doing this"then why doesnt anyone know? Why havent you told anyone?

I told you, I said to him, through gritted teeth. We cant tell anyone. Anyone, do you hear me? Stark says theyll put my parents in jail if I tell anyone! And theyll do it, too. Whatever ideas you might have about going to the press, or whatever, get them out of your head right now. It wont work. Stark owns the press. Ill help you find your mom if I can.

How? he asked, his fingers loosening on me. How are you going to do that?

How was I going to do that? I couldnt mention Christopher and his crazy scheme with Felix. First of all, it was so nuts, there was no chance of it succeeding. And secondly, I didnt want Christopher more involved in this than he already was. I loved Christopher, in spite of the fact that he didnt love me"or at least, the fact that he only loved some dead girl I used to be, not the me I was now. I couldnt drag him into all this, not if what Steven suspected was true, and his mom had disappeared because of what had happened to me and to Nikki. It was too dangerous.

And yet And yet if Christopher and Felix really could do what Christopher said they could I know some people who say they can find her, I heard myself saying.

Miraculously, Steven dropped his hands.

Who? he asked.

It was at this point the door to my bedroom eased open and Lulu stuck her tousled head out.

Whats going on out here? she wanted to know, blinking sleepily. Whats all this noise? Why are you yelling? Whys Cosabella so upset?

Steven backed away from me.

Nothing, he said to her, reaching for the remote. He switched the TV off. Just a family squabble. Go back to bed.

Lulu didnt listen to him. Instead, she came padding barefoot out into the living room. Rather than wearing her usual negligee, she had on a pair of oversize pink flannel pajamas with enormous cherries on them. I realized, from the way she had the legs rolled up at the bottom, that they belonged to Nikki.

No, seriously, you guys, she said. Whats up? Hey, are you listening to my CD?

Yeah, I told her, reaching up to push some of my long hair from my eyes. Everythings okay, really. Go back to bed.

No. Lulu tottered over and plopped down onto the couch next to Cosabella. It sounded like you guys were fighting. I dont want you guys to fight. I mean, I never had a brother or sister, so I always kinda wished for one so I could have fights. But still. What was the fight about?

I looked over at Steven. He was scowling at the white carpet. Since it didnt seem like he was going to say anything, I shrugged, and just said, He found out about the spirit transfer.

Lulu looked up at Steven, then reached for his hand, which looked huge in comparison to hers.

Oh, poor baby! She squeezed his hand. You miss the old Nikki, dont you?