Aftershock. Part 15

Find out whether your man's worthy to worship at the temple of you, is not fit to paint your fingernails, or is just in need of a little TLC (Tender Loving Changing).

1. You've dressed up for a meeting. His reaction when he sees you: "Hey, can I be around when you take those clothes off?"

He doesn't say anything.

"You look nice today."

2. The boss came down really hard on you at work. Shaken, you feel like crawling into bed and staying there for a week. You call your honey to weep and whine. He: Listens, then offers to come over and snuggle. Brings a pint of vanilla swirl.

Cuts the conversation short-he's meeting the guys for beers.

Listens, suggests you get a good night's sleep, and calls the next day.

3. He makes sure you climax: When he does or soon thereafter.

Before he does.

You're on your own, kid.

4. Out of nowhere, you start getting anxiety attacks. Your boyfriend: Helps you hunt down a therapist.

Tells you it's all in your head.

Shows concern but seems a little freaked by your behavior.

5. You're out to dinner, and when the check arrives, your boyfriend: Lets you know your portion of the bill, pointing out that you ordered 2 gla.s.ses of wine plus an appetizer salad while he only had a beer and burger.

Says, "It would be my pleasure" when you reach for your wallet.

Puts down cash for half the amount.

6. When a gorgeous woman walks by both of you, he usually: Sneaks a sideways look at her.

Stares at her long and hard.

Says, "Don't worry, darling, she's not even fit to polish your pumps!"

7. When you both have a fight, you end up feeling: Frustrated. He shuts down.

As if you are in the process of working something out. He may get mad, but he always remains rational.

Frightened by his behavior.

8. You tell your boyfriend that your mom [sister/girlfriend] has just advised you against taking that fabulous new job. His response: "Don't listen to her, you'll be great."

"She's just afraid for you. You'll be great."

"I never really liked your mom."

9. You had a terrific time at the party-sure, you flirted with a couple of men, but it was all in good fun. The next day, your boyfriend would most likely: Be turned on by your popularity.

Amorously tell you how lucky he is to be the one who goes home with you.

Sulk and make a snide comment about your drinking.

10. When both of you spend a weekend together: You often feel lonely; he sits in front of the TV a lot, tinkers in the garage.

You're completely comfortable-you both laugh, relax, make love.

The s.e.x is fabulous, though he's lazy about making out-of-bed plans.

11. How do your friends describe the man you are dating?

The catch of the year.

A nice man who seems to adore you.

Someone to have fun with but not someone you want to get serious with.

12. Check any of the following statements that apply: When he knows something (a fact or current event) you don't know, he never patronizes you.

He would get allergy shots so he could live with you and your 2 cats.

He's tried to turn you on to whatever sport he's into (golf, kayaking, baseball).

You frequently hear from friends that he's been bragging about you.

He truly doesn't even notice when you've put on an extra 5 pounds.

He brings home unexpected treats for you-books by authors you've said you like, articles he's cut out that would interest you, your favorite bakery cookies.

He doesn't freak when you cry or accuse you of having PMS.

He holds hands and hugs a lot-always makes you feel cherished.

If he found a wallet full of money, he'd hunt down the owner and give it back with all the dough.

You are comfortable with the amount of alcohol that he drinks.

Scoring 1. a-3 b-1 c-2 2. a-3 b-1 c-2 3. a-2 b-3 c-1 4. a-3 b-1 c-2 5. a-1 b-3 c-2 6. a-2 b-1 c-3 7. a-2 b-3 c-1 8. a-2 b-3 c-1 9. a-2 b-3 c-1 10. a-1 b-3 c-2 11. a-3 b-2 c-1 12. Give yourself 3 points for each statement checked.

More than 44 points: Worthy "A worthy man is one who makes you feel good when you are around him," says psychologist Michele Ka.s.son, coauthor of The Men Out There (Rutledge Books). "The two of you have shared goals and common interests, and you each give the other support in facing the tough, cruel world." He's kind, compa.s.sionate, supportive...but not just to you. "If he treats his mom-and even the waiter-well," adds Ka.s.son, "then he will be respectful of you too." Remember, though, true love doesn't mean conflict-free love. How do you handle the situation when problems arise? "Do you feel more connected and like you know each other better after a disagreement?" asks Daphne Rose Kingma, author of Coming Apart (Conari Press). "Couples who are not threatened by differences but instead see them as a process of discovery have wonderful relationships."

26 to 44 points: Workable Every man has his good points...and his flaws. The question is, Can you live with this man's imperfections-can you even get him to change some annoying behaviors? "We all have a bottom line when it comes to choosing another human being to love," says Kingma. "A woman needs to ask herself, 'Does this man have the one quality that is most important to me in a mate?' It may be that he shares your spiritual values or is willing to communicate. This is the grounding bond that, over time, allows the various imperfections of your relationship to recede."

In addition, we all have a number of things we'd prefer to have in a relationship. Kingma suggests you make a list of 10 characteristics that you would like your man to have. If he has 5, it's probably worth sticking around. "Also, see how he responds to the fact that he has attributes you dislike," adds Kingma. "He may be a football fanatic; perhaps you can convince him to watch at a pal's house so you can have the place to yourself." Also, remember what's truly important to you. "Forgetting the anniversary of your first date is chump change," says Sharyn Wolf, author of How to Stay Lovers for Life (Dutton). "You want to be with the guy who'll sit with you in the doctor's office if you find a lump in your breast."

If there is some aspect of his behavior that you truly can't put up with, then approach changing him in a positive way. "You can only change a man who wants to change," says Kingma. "But he has to be inspired by love, not nagging. If you're a health nut and he expresses a desire to get in shape, you can be supportive, but if six months pa.s.s and it hasn't happened, then you've got to decide whether or not you can live with this in the long run."

The Moment I Knew He Wasn't Worthy

"He bought the papers on a Sunday morning and then said, 'Can I have $3.50, because I won't have time to read them.' I knew he was cheap, but that was the final straw."

-Suzanne, 31, physical therapist

"He asked me not to tell his ultraconservative friends that I volunteer at Planned Parenthood."

-Linda, 28, magazine writer

"He didn't understand why my sister was angry that her husband went golfing the day she delivered their baby."

-Valerie, 28, book publicist

"My father died, and my boyfriend told me he was 'sorry but couldn't handle it' and promptly disappeared for the next few weeks."

-Tina, 29, music agent Fewer than 26 points: Worthless This man dismisses your feelings, has more fun channel-surfing than talking with you, and ogles other women right in front of you. Are you so eager to be with a man-any man-that you will settle for someone so undeserving of your love? "You simply can't be with someone who has more emotional power in the relationship than you do," says Ka.s.son. "If you feel you can't stand up for yourself, then this isn't the right man for you."

Perhaps you're aware that you're stuck in an unhealthy relationship-why is it so hard for you to leave? "Because we all want to be loved and we're afraid no one else will come along again," says Kingma. "But the truth is, every person I've ever counseled who's ended a relationship has found someone better." If you know you need to leave and you can't do it on your own, get some help from trusted friends or even a professional counselor.

10 Signs He's the One He looks at Kate Upton centerfolds and insists he doesn't know what the big deal is.

He spends the weekend with your family and still wants to date you.

On Super Bowl Sunday, he offers to spend the day in bed, painting your toenails and giving you backrubs.

He doesn't fall asleep immediately after s.e.x.

He lets you use his toothbrush when you crash at his place.

He leaves you cute, little "shmoopie" messages every day at work...and has for the past 2 years.

Even after seeing you in a mud mask, stuffing your face with Ben & Jerry's, he still looks at you the same way he did the moment he first saw you.

When you argue with him, he never chalks it up to your PMS.

He brings you daisies just because it's Tuesday.

He insists on waking up at 5 a.m. just to take you to the airport.

What Type of Men Do You Attract?

There are all types of guys out there and we've split them up into 5 categories. Take this quiz to find out if you attract the wildest or mildest-or if they're somewhere in between.

1. As a rule, the men you date: Expect you to pick up the tab.

Insist on paying.

Pay the tab, resent it, and use this as a reason to stop seeing you.

Never take you out.

Expect you to pay your share or take turns picking up the tab.

2. The men you see are: Overly romantic and affectionate.

Affectionate, as long as you do things their way.

Seldom affectionate or are affectionate early in the relationship but less so as time goes on.

Affectionate only in bed, if then.

Affectionate more often than not.

3. When you discuss a problem you're having, a man