Adrian Mole: The Cappuccino Years Part 1

Sue Townsend.

Adrian Mole.

The Cappuccino Years.

1999.

An accidental celebrity, with a spreading bald patch, despairing of family values, Mole is still worrying: Is v.i.a.g.r.a cheating? Why won't the BBC produce 'The White Van', his serial killer comedy? Mole, aged 301/4, chronicles the closing years of the 20th century with slanderous abandon.

List of Princ.i.p.al Characters.

ABBO AND ALAN: Representatives of the Ashby-de-la-Zouch branch of the Terrence Higgins Trust, selected to walk in the procession behind Diana's coffin.

ANDREW: Archie Tait's cat.

ANNETTE: Standard vendor on the Strand, enjoying carnal relations with Malcolm, the washer-upper at Hoi Polloi, the restaurant where Adrian works.

ASHBY: Rosie Mole's plastic role-play baby.

ATKINS, JEFFREY: Adrian's second-opinion dentist. A gentle man with ginger eyebrows.

AZIZ: a.s.sistant cook at Hoi Polloi.

BANKS, LES: Unlucky builder engaged by Adrian to do work to Archie Tait's house.

BAXTER, BERT: Deceased acquaintance of Adrian, Communist pensioner and Leicester's oldest and most objectionable man. Died one day short of his 106th birthday.

BELINDA: Zippo Montefiori's PA.

BOTT, GLENN: Son of Sharon Bott. Could have been fathered by either Barry Kent or Adrian Mole. According to Rosie Mole, he is a psycho, but has Adrian's nose.

BOTT, SHARON: Old flame of Adrian's. Mother of Glenn Bott. Also mother of Kent, Bradford and Caister.

BRAITHWAITE, IVAN: Father of Pandora. Supposedly a freelance dairy management consultant and freethinker.

BRAITHWAITE, DR PANDORA: Prospective Labour MP for Ashby-de-la-Zouch. Self-appointed 'Brightest Star in Blair's Firmament' and 'The People's Pan'. First love of Adrian Mole, who was the first person to insert his hand (left) into her white cotton training bra, in 1981.

BRAITHWAITE, TANIA: Mother of Pandora. Teaches Women's Studies at De Montfort University.

BROADWAY, BILL: Les Banks's subcontractor.

CAINE, ALFIE: Fake c.o.c.kney and presenter of The Fry-Up, a Pie Crust Production.

CATH: Production a.s.sistant on Offally Good!, another Pie Crust production.

CAVENDISH, JACK: Pandora's older live-in lover. Alcoholic and Professor of Languages at Oxford.

CHANG, MR: Dentist who no longer caters for the poor because 'they bring tooth decay on themselves'.

CLEVER CLIVE: Criminal acquaintance of Adrian's, can supply parking permits for central London.

CLOUGH, MS: Labour supporter and single mother of three.

DALE, LILLIAN: Green Party candidate for Ashby-de-la-Zouch.

D'ARCY, MABEL: OAP supporter of Sir Arnold Tufton. Great-great-grandfather was a surviving officer on the t.i.tanic.

DOUGGIE: Sharon Bott's live-in lover.

DOVECOTE, CHARLIE: Pauline Mole's lawyer.

EAGLEBURGER, BRICK: Barry Kent's literary agent.

EDDIE STOBART: A lorry firm. Some of their drivers wave, some don't.

ELF, MISS: Adrian and Pandora's timid but ethical drama teacher at Neil Armstrong Comprehensive.

FLOOD, ELEANOR: Remedial reading teacher at Neil Armstrong Comprehensive, with fragile wrists.

FONG, DR: Doctor at Leicester Royal Infirmary who examines William Mole.

FOX, LEN: Criminal. Mobile-phone magnate and friend of Sir Arnold Tufton.

GIPTON, FRED: Actor with inside knowledge of general-election results.

GOLDMAN, LATER GOLDPERSON, BOSTON: Personal a.s.sistant to Brick Eagleburger.

GRIMBOLD, MARCIA: Bring Back the Rates Party candidate.

HETHERINGTON, GLORIA: G.o.dfrey's wife. Ideal casting: Pauline Quirke.

HETHERINGTON, G.o.dFREY: Hero of The White Van, Adrian's hilarious serial-killer comedy. Accountant by day, serial killer by night. Ideally would be played by Harry Enfield.

HUMFRI: Cat adopted by Malcolm. Looks remarkably like Humphrey, the Downing Street cat.

JIMMY THE GREEK: Owner of Greek taverna next door to Hoi Polloi.

JUSTINE: Lap-dancer at Secrets club.

KENNETH: Waiter at Hoi Polloi.

KENT, BARRY: Ex-skinhead and local thug, now prize-winning poet and novelist. Author of poem 'Naked' and the modern cla.s.sic Dork's Diary.

KENT, EDNA: Barry Kent's mum. Toilet cleaner, later double degree-taker and Pandora's secretary at the House of Commons.

KEVIN: Unhelpful sales personage at Hamleys.

LARGE ALAN: Owner of Secrets, as well as The 165, a fashionable new drinking den.

LEAF, SANDRA: Square-jawed security guard with Citadel Security Ltd, who invokes Pauline Mole's wrath and threats of legal action by giving her a random body search on election night.

LO! THE FLAT HILLS OF MY HOMELAND: Adrian's novel, later rechristened Birdwatching, for which he is still, incredibly, searching for a publisher.

LUCY: Staff nurse at Leicester Royal Infirmary and single parent.

LUIGI: Maitre d' of Hoi Polloi. An Italian Communist who votes Lib Dem and lives in Croydon.

LUPIN, SKY: Adrian's stress counsellor.

MALCOLM: Washer-upper at Hoi Polloi. Voting position undecided.

MARILYN: A kamikaze bank official.

MICHELWAITE, AARON: Well-spoken but hideous youth whose company Rosie Mole enjoys.

MOLE, GEORGE: Adrian's father. Unemployed and suffering from erectile dysfunction.

MOLE, JO JO: Adrian's wife, from whom he is separated. Has moved back to Nigeria. Mother of William. Has beauty, brains, money and talent, and frankly was out of Adrian's league, as well as being four inches taller than him.

MOLE, PAULINE: Adrian's mother. Unsatisfied, unfulfilled Germaine Greer fan.

MOLE, ROSIE: Adrian's sister. Foul-mouthed fifteen-year-old vamp.

MOLE, SUSAN: Adrian's aunt and Prison Officer of the Year 1997. 'Married' to Amanda.

MOLE, WILLIAM: Adrian's small son. Fascinated by Teletubbies and Jeremy Clarkson videos.

MONTEFIORI, ZIPPO: Managing director of Pie Crust Productions, makers of Offally Good! and The Fry-Up.

MUTTON, KEITH: Monster Raving Loony Party candidate.

NEIL ARMSTRONG COMPREHENSIVE: Alma mater of Adrian, Pandora, Nigel and Barry Kent.

NG, DR: Adrian's doctor. Prescribed Prozac for him.

NIGEL: Adrian's best friend from school. Now a gay Buddhist van-driver for Next clothing store.

n.o.bBY: Labourer for Les Banks.

NORBERT: Nigel's boyfriend.

O'CASEY, LIAM: Student. Archie Tait's neighbour.

PANKHURST, MIRANDA: Sharon Bott's solicitor.

PARVEZ, MRS: Liberal councillor; owner of Kidsplay Ltd, William Mole's private nursery school.

PATIENCE, ROGER: New headmaster of Neil Armstrong Comprehensive.

PEAc.o.c.k, IDA: OAP Liberal Democrat supporter. Believes Tony Blair is going to give her new hips.

PERKINS, BOB: Owner of eponymous garden centre.

PURBRIGHT, LENNIE: Pandora's election agent. c.o.c.kney, formerly a whelk-stall owner.

RAJIT: BP service-station worker.

ROD: Owner of the Hot Rods shop in Soho, opposite Hoi Polloi.

SASHA: a.s.sistant cook at Hoi Polloi.

SAVAGE, PETER: Foul-mouthed, aristocratic owner of Hoi Polloi. Believes in a 'Traditional English, No Choice' menu. Suffers from stress incontinence. Hates Tony Blair and New Labour.

SAVAGE, KIM: Savage's ex-wife and ex-society florist.

SEAN: Waiter at Hoi Polloi.

SCRUTON, MR: A.K.A POP-EYE SCRUTON. Former headmaster of Neil Armstrong Comprehensive and rabid Mrs Thatcher devotee.

SINGH, DEV: Double-entendre-loving co-presenter of Offally Good!.

SPICER-WOODS, CHRISTINE: Socialist Lesbians Against Globalization Party candidate.

STOAT, ARTHUR: Editor and managing director of Stoat Books Ltd, wants to produce Offally Good!--The Book.

SURINDER, DR: Doctor at Leicester Royal Infirmary who examines William.

SWAYWARD, JUSTIN: Shoe Mania! employee and court representative.

TAIT, ARCHIE: OAP Socialist Labour Party voter.

TRELLIS, MISS: Glenn Bott's maths teacher.

TUFTON, SIR ARNOLD: Conservative MP for Ashby-de-la-Zouch and Pandora's rival in the general election.

TWYSTLETON-FIFE, JULIAN: Pandora's gay ex-husband.

VALENTINE DUFF, RON: Repatriate Foreigners Party candidate.

VLJKJKJV, JAJKJ: Belgrade translator interested in Birdwatching.

WELLINGBOROUGH, MRS: Mr Chang's receptionist.

WONKY, DAVE: Zouch FM DJ.

WORTHINGTON, HARRY: OAP Labour supporter.

ZO: Hair- and make-up artist for Pie Crust Productions.