Adam's Daughter Part 55

She went into the foyer and paused by the staircase to collect herself. Then she went into the study, closing the door behind her.

She had wanted so much to be cheerful for Josh tonight but the front was finally cracking. She went to the desk and sat down wearily. She had not shed one tear over the loss of the newspapers or over the failure of her marriage. She had not allowed herself to even think about Garrett. But now, it all closed in on her, and she began to cry. She gave in to it, her body shaking with great waves of sobs. Slowly, it subsided, and she laid down her head on her folded arms and closed her eyes.

She heard a knock on the door. A moment later, Josh poked his head in.

"Can I come in?"

"Sure, Josh."

Josh came to the desk. He hesitated then pulled out his handkerchief, holding it out to Kellen. She took it and wiped her eyes.

"You always did it this way," Josh said softly. "In private. Even when you were a girl you hated to let anyone see you cry."

He sat down in the chair opposite the desk. "I saw you with tears in your eyes only once," he said. "The day you went off to boarding school. You were only eleven, trying so hard to be brave."

"I was scared," Kellen said.

"And angry, too."

"Yes, I was." She looked away. "I've been thinking about my father a lot lately," she said.

"It's only natural, with what's happened," Josh said.

"You know, he never told me why he sent me away, Josh," she said. "I thought I was being punished but I never knew what for."

"Oh, Kellen," he said. "He didn't do it to punish you. He just..."

Her eyes came back to him and he drew in a deep slow breath. "He sent you away because you reminded him so much of Elizabeth," he said. "After she died he fell apart. Just the sight of you deepened his grief. He finally realized he needed you near him and brought you home. But for a while, he was a drowning man."

"Then he really loved her," she whispered.

"What?" Josh asked.

"He really loved my mother." Her eyes brimmed. "Didn't he?"

"He loved Elizabeth with all his heart and soul," Josh said. "Whatever made you believe otherwise?"

"How did she really die, Josh?" Kellen asked.

In that instant, all the events surrounding Elizabeth's death came back in a flash of memories for Josh. The awful sickness, the funeral, the lurid stories in the newspaper about the will, the police investigation, the relentless gossip.

Then in rapid-fire sequence, his mind tripped back in time to his first meeting with the young Adam Bryant, and of their friendship built over the decades, of favors asked in friendship and promises given. The memories came to a halt on one drizzly cold night in May, 1952.

Adam had called him to the house, as he had so many times before and asked for his counsel. Josh gave it and then at Adam's bidding vowed an oath of silence. It had held for twenty-three years. Josh looked into Kellen's eyes and knew now he had to break it.

"Elizabeth wanted to die," Josh said. "Your father helped her to do it."

He watched Kellen's face for a reaction but nothing seemed to register. Then she whispered, "Go on."

"Your mother was gravely ill," he said. "For a long time, we didn't know what it was. The doctors said it was depression, and they gave her drugs. The drugs caused other depressive reactions, and she was given more drugs. One doctor diagnosed her as manic-depressive, another said she was schizophrenic. Another all but accused her of being an addict. It got progressively worse and your father kept bringing in more doctors. Finally, he was told the only thing he could do was have her committed."

Josh's shoulders caved inward. "Your father couldn't bear the thought of Elizabeth locked away somewhere. So he kept her at home, trying to help her as best he could. It was very hard on him. He literally watched her go slowly out of her mind, helpless to do anything. Sometimes, she would be lucid. He lived for those moments. They gave him hope that she'd recover. But they grew rare and then stopped. Two days before Elizabeth's death I remember Adam telling me that the woman he loved was already dead."

Again, Josh paused. His eyes drifted over to the photograph, then out over the study, focusing on nothing in particular.

"The next night he called me to the house," he went on, his voice cracking. "He was sitting in this room, alone. He was calm but I could see he had been crying. He told me that Elizabeth had one of her good moments, that she told him she wanted to die and begged him to help. Until that point, he had believed Elizabeth had no conception of her condition. But that night, he was convinced she knew. She was suffering. He couldn't stand that."

He looked back at Kellen, tears in his eyes. "He asked me to help find a doctor who would grant her wish. He was distraught but had obviously given it great thought. We found a doctor who supplied the drugs for an overdose. Adam gave them to her himself. Elizabeth went into a coma and died quietly while Adam held her. I was there. I saw them."

Kellen continued to stare at Josh, as if in a trance.

"The drugs showed up in autopsy, of course," Josh said. "But Adam was able to keep it quiet. Especially since the autopsy revealed that the true cause of Elizabeth's illness was pre-senile dementia. It's rare in a young person and it's often misdiagnosed as mental illness. It can be caused by a number of underlying things. In Elizabeth it was an undetected brain tumor."

He sighed. "By then, Adam was so angry about all the publicity that he demanded the autopsy results be kept secret. I advised him to make it public, to clear his name if nothing else but he refused. I remember what he said: 'No more newspaper stories. I just want her left alone.'"

He glanced at Kellen. She still had the same blank expression on her face.

"I thought then," he went on, "that after they'd put a name to her illness Adam would cope with Elizabeth's death better. But he didn't. He blamed himself for the misdiagnoses, saying he should have found her better care. He was never the same man. I think he blamed himself until the day he died."

Kellen looked up at him suddenly, and the opaque veil lifted from her eyes. Josh's heart ached when he saw her pain.

"He may have blamed himself," he said. "But I don't think he ever regretted his decision. He loved your mother more than he loved life itself and he couldn't stand to see her suffering. I watched what he did that night and I can only say it was an act of utterly selfless love."

Tears fell slowly down Kellen's cheeks. She was holding the picture frame and now she set it down carefully on the desk, tilting her head slightly as she looked at it.

"Oh, Josh," she said. "Why didn't he tell me?"

"He couldn't, Kellen. After the scandal died down, he just wanted to put it behind him."

Kellen continued to stare at the picture. "All those stories I heard when I was growing up."

Josh's eyes returned to the picture of the young Adam. "I was closer to your father than any man, Kellen, but I don't think even I really knew him. He was a very private man. But I saw him with your mother and I know for their short time together they had a great love. A wonderful, rare, grand pa.s.sion. Isn't that all that matters really?"

Kellen closed her eyes. "Perhaps."

The room was quiet, and from out in the foyer came the sounds of the last guests gathering to leave.

"You've always been so good to me, Josh," Kellen said finally.

"I've always thought of you as part of my family, Kellen."

"I hope you won't hate me for what's happening with Stephen and me."

"He's my only son," Josh said. "It's hard to see him hurting." He paused. "But I'm trying to get him to talk about it. He'll be all right. He's a strong man."

"I didn't mean to hurt him. Or you and Anna."

Josh saw the guilt in her eyes. "Perhaps just as some things are not meant to be, some people are not meant to be together." He shrugged, a bit sadly. "You and Stephen have been together your whole lives. Like brother and sister. Maybe that is your special bond."

He paused. "The idea of family is a strange thing. Most people think of a family as a solid never-changing thing, but it's not. It's always expanding, shrinking, changing shape to make room for the needs of everyone in it."

Kellen wound her fingers through his.

He smiled slightly. "You are still part of my family, Kellen. And so are Benjamin and Sara, I hope. Anna and I rather like this grandparent bit. You'll make sure we see them from time to time, won't you?"

"Of course," Kellen said.

They embraced. "Good," he said softly when they pulled apart. "And you'll do something else for me?"

"Anything."

"Try not to dwell on the newspapers. You did your best. I'd say you gave it a h.e.l.l of a shot."

"I'll try. Thanks...for everything, Josh."

The door opened and Kellen and Josh both looked over to see Stephen standing there. He looked at them with curiosity. "Everyone's leaving. Dad," he said. "I thought you'd want to say good-bye."

"Yes, of course," Josh said, rising. He gave Kellen a final smile and followed Stephen out of the room.

Kellen was sitting alone by the fire when Tyler came in from the foyer. He was holding his coat.

"Is everyone gone?" he asked.

Kellen nodded.

"I didn't get a chance to say good night to Josh." He glanced around the living room, littered with half-filled gla.s.ses and empty plates before his eyes came back to Kellen.

"Are you all right?" he asked.

She nodded.

"Are you sure?" he asked. "I can stay here tonight if you want."

Kellen shook her head. "You go on home. I know you want to get back. I think I'd rather be alone tonight anyway."

She rose and they walked to the foyer. Tyler put on his coat and opened the front door. He turned back to her. "I don't feel right leaving you alone," he said.

"Go home," she said, managing a smile. "I'm fine. Really. And Tyler, thanks for your help tonight."

He smiled and with a small wave, went down the drive to his car. Kellen stood at the door, watching his car until it disappeared down the hill then she went back inside, locking the door behind her.

She went through the downstairs rooms, flicking off the lights, leaving only the towering Christmas tree in the living room lit. The quiet reverberated in her head. Her ears strained to pick up a sound, any sound, in the huge house but there was just the cold sweeping silence.

As she stared at the tree, her thoughts went to Ben and Sara, asleep upstairs. Slowly, she stopped shivering, and after a few moments, the quiet grew less threatening. She smiled slightly, imagining the look on Ben's face when he saw his new bike, and how Sara would react when she found out a pony waited in a stable for her.

Kellen turned off the switch for the tree lights, and went across the foyer. At the bottom of the staircase, she paused, looking down at the frowning carved face in the bal.u.s.trade, then at the next one, which was turned up in the beginning of a smile. She started up the stairs toward the light.

CHAPTER EIGHTY-TWO.

It was late afternoon, and the lawn in front of the Palace of Fine Arts was still speckled with parents and children. Kellen brought up a hand to shade her eyes as she watched the tall man coming across the lawn toward her.

"I'm sorry I'm late," Stephen said, stopping before her.

"It's all right," she said. "I've just been sitting here enjoying the day."

He sat down and they were both silent, watching Ben and Sara chasing ducks down by the pond. She had not seen Stephen since Josh's retirement party three months ago. Kellen had been surprised when Stephen had called earlier and said he wanted to meet.

She glanced over at him now as he sat there, hands clasped, his eyes on the children.

"Kellen, I thought we should talk," he said. "We probably should have sooner but it's taken me this long to put aside my anger about Garrett. I still haven't entirely. But I've been doing a lot of thinking about us."

"Ben asked me yesterday when you were coming home."

Stephen let out a long breath. "I think it's time to tell them that I'm not."

There it was. The words were spoken. It really was over.

"I'm sorry, Stephen," she said. "I wish it could have been different."

His eyes dropped to his hands. "Yeah, me, too," he said.

She wondered why she couldn't think of anything else to say. She had been turning this over in her mind so much in the past few weeks, looking for the right words, for some way of explaining to Stephen, and to herself, why things went wrong. She had thought about saying that they were simply too different. Or that the newspaper had gotten in the way.

But she came back most often to what Josh had said -- that they were like brother and sister. That spoke to the love she still felt for Stephen. But it also said much about what had always been missing.

"It's nothing you did, Stephen," she said softly.

He gave her a smile. "Maybe it's something I didn't do, then."

"You can't think of it that way."

"That's what Dad keeps telling me. We've been doing a lot of talking these past few days." He paused. "I'm beginning to think I should listen to his advice. He's pretty smart, for a lawyer."

"For a father," Kellen said.

Stephen was silent, looking around the park now. "I haven't been down here in a long time," he said. "We used to come down here together all the time, remember? Bring our books to study on the lawn."

She smiled. "Well, you studied."

His eyes traveled over her face. "You know, you haven't changed. It's strange, but I look at you right now and I see this girl --"

"She grew up," Kellen said.