Accident - A Novel Part 8

"For chrissake! ..." he said as his eyes met hers. "Why didn't you say something?"

"I didn't know you were here. Home for lunch?" she said coolly. She was still sitting on the bed in her rumpled clothes, and her uncombed hair. But she looked better and more rested than she had earlier that morning.

"I just came by to drop off some things." He looked vague as he walked into the bathroom and put a shirt in the hamper.

"Yesterday's laundry? How soon would you like it? Or did you come home for a clean shirt so you can stay out again tonight?" Her voice dripped anger and venom. "Don't you think you could at least call? Or are we dropping all pretense of being married?"

"You weren't here anyway. What's the difference?" He looked and sounded so callous suddenly, and she wanted to strike him.

"You could have called ICU, or Jane. Andy was waiting for you. He thought you'd had an accident too. Or do you no longer care about him either? Allyson almost died last night." She let him have it with both barrels. And he looked appropriately stricken.

"Is she okay?"

"She's holding on. But barely."

He looked at her miserably then. He had just wanted to forget it all for one night. It had been such a relief to be away from the hospital, and Page, and even Andy.

"I guess I just forgot to call." It was a terrible excuse, and he knew it.

"I wish I could forget too. Maybe you're lucky," she said sadly. She couldn't walk away from any of it, and she wouldn't have wanted to. And three days before, she wouldn't have walked away from him either. Now everything was different. "You can't just blank out on this, Brad. It's really happening, and you have to face it. How would you feel if she'd died last night?"

"How do you think I'd feel?" He looked grim as he watched her.

"Andy needs you too. And maybe you need to be with Allyson. If something happens ..." She couldn't have been anywhere else, but Brad didn't agree with her.

"Sitting with Allyson won't change anything," he said defensively. "She's going to live or die, whether I'm there or not. It just upsets me, and maybe trying to drag her back at any cost isn't the answer."

"What are you saying to me?" Page looked horrified. "Are you saying we should let her die?"Page wanted to scream just listening to him. What had happened to him? What was he saying?

"I'm saying I want Allie back. Allie. Allie. The girl she used to be, and would have become if this hadn't happened. Beautiful and strong and intelligent, and capable, able to do anything she wanted. Do you really The girl she used to be, and would have become if this hadn't happened. Beautiful and strong and intelligent, and capable, able to do anything she wanted. Do you really want want her to live if she's going to be less than that? Do you really want a brain-damaged child to nurse for the rest of your life? Do you want that for her? Because I don't. I'd rather let her go now if that's what she's going to be. And sitting there, watching her, while her brain swells, and a respirator breathes for her, isn't going to make a d.a.m.n bit of difference. We've done what we could. Now all we can do is wait. And waiting here or waiting there doesn't make any difference to her." But what if it did? What if she knew they were there with her? her to live if she's going to be less than that? Do you really want a brain-damaged child to nurse for the rest of your life? Do you want that for her? Because I don't. I'd rather let her go now if that's what she's going to be. And sitting there, watching her, while her brain swells, and a respirator breathes for her, isn't going to make a d.a.m.n bit of difference. We've done what we could. Now all we can do is wait. And waiting here or waiting there doesn't make any difference to her." But what if it did? What if she knew they were there with her?

Page looked sickened by what he was saying. "Andy needs you as much as she does. Or is that too much for you too?" She was giving him no mercy, but right now, in her eyes, he didn't deserve it. He was failing all of them, and for totally selfish reasons.

"Maybe it's all too much for me. Has that ever occurred to you?" he asked, taking a step closer to her again. He hated seeing her now, it always turned into an argument or a reproach, or a series of accusations.

"It occurs to me that you're indulging yourself, and making some terrible decisions. Time hasn't just stopped because you want it to, Brad. This isn't 'time out' while you sort out your s.e.x life. Allie needs you, no matter what you think of her condition or her future. She needs you even more because of that. And Andy needs you. The poor kid is terrified, he's watching his family fall apart in front of his eyes, he knows his sister may die, he doesn't know where you are, and all of a sudden he's living with the neighbors."

"Then maybe you need to come home at night," Brad said, and was startled when Page stood up and walked several steps closer to where he stood.

"Let me tell you something, Brad. I'm not leaving Allie more than I have to until we know if she'll make it, or until she dies. And if she does ..." Tears filled Page's eyes as she said the words, but her voice didn't waver. "I'm going to be there with her, holding her hand, and holding her as she leaves this world, just as I did when she entered it. I'm not going to be at home, or with you, unless you're at the hospital too, or even with Andy. But at least I'm not with some floozie somewhere, trying to pretend this hasn't happened." She turned away from him then. She couldn't stand the look on his face, which told her that he had already left them.

"Page." She turned to look at him then, when she heard the tears in his voice, which surprised her. He sat down heavily in a chair, and dropped his face into his hands. "I can't stand seeing her like that. It's like she's already gone ... I can't stand it." Page couldn't understand what made him think he had a choice. She couldn't stand it either. But she knew she had to. For Allie.

"But she's not gone," Page said quietly, wanting to comfort him, but afraid to come any closer. There was so much between them now, so much pain and loss and disappointment. She no longer trusted him, or believed in him. She hardly knew who he was now. "She still has a chance, Brad. You can't let go of that till she does."

"She'd be better off dead than a vegetable, Page, and you know it."

"Don't say that!" she said vehemently. She had never given up easily, and she couldn't understand his att.i.tude now. It was as though he wanted the easy way out, even for Allie, even if it meant losing her, or giving up. Page just couldn't do that.

"I don't know ..." he went on, looking and feeling guilty for everything he was feeling. But he just couldn't help it. "When I saw her, I just couldn't imagine her pulling out of this, and I don't want her to be a vegetable for the rest of her life ...the things they talk about ...about comas ...and spasticity ...and loss of motor skills ...and brain ...forebrain ...brain stem ...how can you listen to all that and still think she's going to be normal?"

"Because there's still hope for her. Maybe it won't be easy ...maybe she won't make a total recovery ...h.e.l.l, maybe she won't even live ...but if she does ..." Her eyes filled with tears again. "...But if she does ... we have to help her."

He looked at Page in despair, crying softly. "I can't ... I can't do this, Page ..." He was desperately scared, and Page knew it. She came to stand next to him then, and put her arms around him, as he leaned his head against her. She gently stroked his hair, and wished neither of them had come so far on the road to destruction. But it couldn't be erased, just like the accident couldn't be erased for Allie. "I'm so scared," he whispered as he leaned his head against her b.r.e.a.s.t.s. "... I don't want her to die ...but I don't want her to live like that, Page ... I can't even stand to see it ...I'm sorry about last night ... I shouldn't have disappeared like that ...but I just couldn't face it." She nodded, understanding what he felt, but it didn't make it any easier for her. He wanted to run away from it, and he had. But it left her all alone, to face the nightmare that was happening to Allie. "What if she dies?" He looked up at her with anguished eyes, and she took a deep breath as she thought of it, and tried to face it.

"I don't know," she said softly, "I thought she would last night ...but she didn't. We have another day ...another hour ... we just have to pray." He nodded, wishing he had her strength. He still wanted to run away, and Stephanie made it so easy for him to do that. She felt sorry for him, and she let him escape the horror of what was happening to his child. She let him think that he couldn't help anyway. He had told her Page was good at handling it, and she had urged him to let her. But when he saw Page struggling with the pain of it, he felt consumed with guilt, and he knew he was wrong to fail her.

And as he leaned against her, he felt a deep ache of longing for her, and a stirring that he knew would bring them closer. He put his arms around her, and tried to pull her down on his lap so he could kiss her. But she stiffened instantly and looked down at him in outrage.

"How could you?" After all that had come to light since the accident, she couldn't imagine being physically close to him again. Surely not now. And very probably never.

"I need you, Page."

"That's disgusting," she said, and meant it. He had Stephanie. What more did he want? A harem? Before she had known, it was different. But now she just couldn't. He kissed her anyway and there was a frantic quality to his pa.s.sion. But it did nothing to soften Page's feelings toward him. If anything, she felt more distant. Suddenly he had become a stranger. He belonged to someone else, and not to her now.

She pulled away firmly, and he was out of breath, as she took a step backward. "I'm sorry," she said, and walked away from him, leaving him looking angry and feeling foolish. He knew it was wrong to be doing this, to be hurting her, and clinging to Stephanie, but just as she had said, he was making all the wrong decisions.

He came to find her a little while later in the kitchen. She was making herself a cup of coffee, and she didn't turn around when she heard him walk into the kitchen behind her.

"I'm sorry. I got carried away. I guess it's inappropriate, given everything that's happened." It was particularly incredible to realize that only a week before they had been making love, as though nothing were wrong, and she had had no idea that he had a lover. But now all of that had changed. And given the importance of his relationship with Stephanie, she didn't want him to touch her. It might have been different if he'd been consumed with regret, and promised to end it. But there was no such promise offered. If anything, it was ending between them. He seemed to want it that way. And now everything was out in the open, just as he had disappeared the night before, in spite of their needing him, or a possible emergency, or even just because of Andy's feelings. Stephanie came before all of them. The realization of that had hit Page like a ten-ton stone, and she couldn't ignore it.

"I think you ought to give me her number. If anything happens, and you're there, I should know how to reach you." She said it without turning around and looking at him, and he didn't see the tears in her eyes when she said it.

"I ...it won't happen again, I'll stay home with Andy tonight."

"I don't care." She wheeled to face him then, and the look on her face frightened him. She was so hurt, and so angry, and so determined. Their brief moment of closeness was clearly over. "It will happen again,; and I want the number."

"Fine. I'll leave it on the pad."

She nodded and took a sip of the hot coffee.

"What are you doing today?" He a.s.sumed she was going back to the hospital, and was surprised to discover that she wasn't.

"I'm going to the Chapman funeral. Do you want to come?"

"Not likely. The little b.a.s.t.a.r.d almost killed my kid. How can you go?" He looked incensed and she looked at him with barely concealed contempt and disapproval.

"The Chapmans lost their only son. And nothing proved it's his fault. How can you not go?"

"I don't owe them anything," he said coldly. "And the lab tests showed he was drinking."

"But not much. And what about the other driver? Couldn't it be her fault?" Trygve had wondered as much, and so had Page, but not Brad. It was so much easier to blame Phillip Chapman.

"Laura Hutchinson is a senator's wife, she has three children of her own, and she isn't going to run around drunk driving, or being negligent." He sounded absolutely certain.

"How do you know that?" She wasn't sure of anything anymore, not the Senator's wife, not even her own husband. "How can you be so sure that it wasn't her fault?"

"I'm sure, that's all, and so were the police. They didn't give her a blood test, they obviously didn't think she needed one, or they would have. And they've laid no blame on her." He clearly believed that.

"Maybe they were impressed with who she was." They argued about everything these days, and Page was only grateful that Andy wasn't there to hear it. "Anyway, I'm going to the funeral. Trygve Th.o.r.ensen is picking me up at two-fifteen to take me."

Brad raised an eyebrow at her. "How cozy."

"Don't give me that." Her eyes blazed at him, her fatigue and anger showing. "The two of us have been sitting at that hospital that you hate so much for the past three days, waiting to see if our daughters were going to make it. And Phillip Chapman was driving the car his daughter was in too, but it's not keeping him from showing a little sympathy to the boy's parents."

"What a great guy he is. Maybe you two can become 'friends,' since I no longer seem to appeal to you." He was still piqued by her rebuff, although he understood it. But he was irritated by her praise of Trygve.

"Actually, he is a great guy, Brad. He's a good friend. And he's been there for me. He sat there and held my hand last night, when no one knew where you were, and the night of the accident when you were at the 'John Gardiner' with your little friend. He's been terrific. And you know what else, he's smart enough to keep his d.i.c.k in his pants, and think about his kids, and not his s.e.x life. So if you're looking for me to feel guilty or embarra.s.sed, don't bother. I don't think Trygve Th.o.r.ensen gives a s.h.i.t about me as a woman, and that's just fine, because I'm not looking for a boyfriend. I just need a friend to be there for me, since I no longer seem to have a husband."

There wasn't much Brad could say, and he walked into the bathroom and slammed the door. And without another word to her, he slammed out of the house ten minutes later. She wanted to strangle him, she was so mad, but a part of her was sad too. Everything had gone so wrong between them so quickly. It was almost impossible to understand it. The pressure they were under was excruciating, but so much else seemed to be wrong too, and she never knew it. The accident had uncovered everything, and brought its own problems along with it.

She showered and dressed for the funeral then, and Trygve came to pick her up at exactly two-fifteen. He was wearing a dark blue suit, white shirt, and dark tie, and he looked serious and very handsome. Page was wearing a black linen suit she had bought in New York the last time she visited her mother.

The service was at St. John's Episcopal Church, and somehow Page hadn't been prepared for the hundreds of kids who would attend, their shining young faces stricken by the loss of their friend, their hearts open for all to see, their grief overwhelming. There was a wonderful photograph of him with the swimming team on the program that the ushers handed out. And then Page realized that the ushers were Phillip's friends from the swim team. She saw Jamie Applegate there too. He looked devastated as he sat between his parents. But they seemed supportive of him. And his father had an arm around his shoulders.

They played all the music that the kids loved too, and Page felt tears instantly fill her throat as she heard it. There were at least three or four hundred young people in the church, and she knew Allyson would have been there too, if she hadn't been in the hospital in a coma.

And then, looking very dignified, and overwhelmed with grief, Phillip's parents walked in and took their seats in the front pew. There was another much older couple with them, Phillip's grandparents, and just seeing them made one cry. The power of his loss was so obvious just from their faces.

The minister spoke very movingly about the mysteries of G.o.d's love, and the terrible pain we feel at the loss of a loved one. He spoke of what an extraordinary young man Phillip had been, how admired by everyone, what a bright future he'd had before him. Page could hardly stand listening as she sobbed, trying not to think of what they would say if Allie died. It would be much the same thing. She was loved and admired by all. And the pain of her loss would be beyond bearing.

Mrs. Chapman cried openly through the entire ceremony, and the school choir sang "Amazing Grace" at the end of the service. And then everyone was invited up to the altar, for a moment of special prayer, and a last tribute to their friend. Mostly, the young people went, in groups or alone, crying, and holding hands, as they placed flowers on Phillip's casket. Everyone in the church was sobbing by then, and Page felt overwhelmed as she looked around her at the devastated young faces. It was then that she saw Laura Hutchinson, crying softly in a pew a few feet away. She seemed to have come alone, and she seemed as moved as everyone. Page stared at her for a long time, but she could see nothing more than a deeply affected mourner. Surprisingly little was said. Everyone looked dazed. It was just too painful.

And then, as they walked outside afterward, Page and Trygve noticed the reporters. They were following Laura Hutchinson at first, but she disappeared quickly into a limousine without speaking to them. And then they took photographs of the young people's faces, as they stood crying on the sidewalk. And then suddenly, they seemed to close in on the Chapmans. And Phillip's father became enraged and shouted at them through his tears that they were heartless b.a.s.t.a.r.ds, as friends gently led him away. But even then, the reporters didn't leave, but they backed off slightly. It was still a hot story.

There was a reception after the service, in the school auditorium, and the Chapmans had invited a few friends to go home with them after that. But Page didn't want to go to either place. She couldn't bear it. She just wanted to be alone somewhere, to recover from the powerful blow of what she had felt at the service. She looked up at Trygve then, standing quietly at her side, and saw that he had cried as much as she had.

"Are you okay?" he asked gently, and she nodded but started to cry again. "Yeah. Me too. Come on, I'll take you home." She nodded again and followed him back to the car, and they sat there for a long moment in silence. She hadn't had the courage to say anything to the Chapmans as they left, but they had signed the guest book in the front of the church. She read afterward in the paper that there had been over five hundred mourners.

"Oh G.o.d, that was rough." She finally spoke, trying to catch her breath, as Trygve looked at her, feeling drained by his emotions.

"It's awful. There's nothing worse. I hope I never live long enough to see the death of one of my children." And then he was sorry for what he had said, knowing that Allyson's life still hung in the balance, but Page understood it. She didn't want to go through it either.

"I saw Mrs. Hutchinson. It was pretty b.a.l.l.sy of her to be there. I would think the Chapmans would be upset by her coming."

"Yeah, but the press would be favorably impressed. It shows how much she cares, how human she is. It was a smart move," he said wryly.

"That sounds pretty cynical," she said bluntly. "Maybe she's sincere."

"I doubt it. I know politicians. Believe me, her husband told her to be there. Maybe the accident wasn't her fault, maybe she is totally innocent. But in the meantime, this makes her look good."

"Is that what it was all about?" Page looked disappointed.

"Probably. I don't know. I just keep feeling that she was negligent somehow, that it wasn't the kids' fault, or maybe I just want to believe that." So did the Chapmans. Trygve started the car, and they followed a long line of cars back toward Page's house, on the way to school, and then she remembered that she needed to go to the hospital anyway for her car. And she wanted to see Allie more than ever after what they'd just been through. She wanted to rea.s.sure herself that Allie was still there, after the misery of being at Phillip's funeral, and sharing all that anguish.

"Do you mind dropping me off?" she asked, smiling sadly at him. It had been a terrible afternoon for both of them. Page had called the hospital several times that afternoon to see how Allyson was, but there had been no change since that morning.

"No problem. I want to see Chloe anyway. It makes you grateful they're alive, doesn't it?"

Page nodded, thinking of what Brad had said in the heat of the moment about not wanting Allie to be less than perfect. But he seemed to believe it. "I'd rather have Allie in any state, than lose her. Maybe that's wrong of me, but that's how I feel. Brad says he'd rather lose her than have her be limited in any way."

"That's a pretty elitist view of life, and awfully black and white. I agree with you, I'd rather have whatever I could get, than nothing." Page agreed with him, but oddly enough, not about her marriage. She was much less willing to compromise there, but in her eyes that was different.

"He can't seem to face what's happening. He's running away from it," she said quietly, trying not to get angry again thinking of his disappearances, as recently as the night before.

"Some people can't handle this kind of thing."

"Yeah, like Dana ...Brad ... so how come we get stuck with it? Are we so brave? Or just stupid?" Page smiled at him.

"Probably both," he grinned, "no choice, I guess. When there's no one else there, you do what you have to." He looked at her honestly. He had spent enough time with her now to ask her a straight question. "It doesn't make you mad?" He was intrigued about her, and her willingness to accept what was obviously a less than perfect marriage. Brad had scarcely been around since the accident, and Trygve knew it.

"Actually, it makes me furious," she admitted with a smile. "We just had a knock-down-drag-out fight about it at lunchtime."

"At least you're human. It used to make me mad too, when Dana was never around when I needed her, or the kids did."

"In this case, there are some other complications."

Trygve nodded, trying not to ask any further questions. And then finally, he couldn't resist, and asked her anyway.

"Serious complications?"

"It looks that way," she said honestly. "Possibly terminal."

"Then it came as a surprise?" he asked gently.

"Actually, yes. I've been married for sixteen years and up until three days ago, I thought our marriage was terrific," she said as they approached the hospital. "Apparently, I made a mistake. A big one."

"Maybe not. Maybe this is just the hard part. Every marriage hits a rough spot, now and then."

She shook her head, thinking about it. "There was a lot I didn't know. I've been kidding myself for a long time, and I didn't know it. But now that I do know it's hard to pretend it's not happening. I just can't do that. The timing is pretty rotten." She looked grim as she explained it to him.

"Remember what I said before, some people go off the deep end when faced with a crisis."

"I think he's been off it for a long time. He just happened to get caught with his pants down." She smiled ruefully, and Trygve laughed at her expression, and the way she'd said it.

"Bad luck for him." Trygve smiled. Page was amazed at the ease with which she spoke to him. She seemed to be able to tell him anything. Things she certainly wouldn't have told her sister or even Jane Gilson, who was an old friend, but not a real confidant. After the rigors of her early life, she had never gotten close to anyone except Brad, which made his betrayal all the more painful. And now, much to her surprise she could tell Trygve things she might even have hesitated telling Brad before all this happened.

They were at the hospital by then, and they headed for ICU, still subdued by the aura of the funeral, but it was almost a relief for both of them to see their children. Chloe was stirring a little bit, but doing fairly well, and Allie was the same. For the moment, her condition was stable.

Page left before Trygve this time. She went home around five o'clock to pick Andy up at Jane's. The car pool had taken him to baseball, and he would have been home by then. And by the time she drove to her house, she couldn't wait to see him.

It had been an agonizing afternoon, and the grief of Phillip's funeral took her breath away every time she thought of the young people crying for him, or the faces of his parents. They had looked inconsolable as they left the church, and Page's heart had gone out to them. She could still hear the high school chorus singing in her head as she rang the bell at Jane's house.

"Hi, how are you?" Jane looked at her, and then frowned as Page walked in. "Or shouldn't I ask?" Maybe things had gotten worse. Page looked drawn and pale and desperately unhappy.

"I'm okay," she said quietly. "I went to Phillip Chapman's funeral."

"How was it?" Jane asked as Page sat down on the couch and looked exhausted.