Accident - A Novel Part 16

The phone was ringing when she got home that afternoon. It was a friend from the city whom she hadn't seen in months. Allyson and her daughter had gone to dancing school together two years before, and the girls weren't close friends, but they liked each other. She had heard about the accident and wanted to know if she could do anything to help, but Page told her there was nothing.

"Let me know if there is," she persisted, and then hesitated for an instant. "What's happening with you and Brad, by the way? Are you ...getting divorced?" Page was shocked by the question.

"No. Why?" But her blood ran cold as she said it. The woman knew something. It was obvious from the way she had asked the question.

"Maybe I shouldn't be saying anything ...but I see him over here all the time with some young girl ... I don't know, she must be in her early twenties. I thought she was a friend of Al-lie's at first when I saw him with her, and then I realized she was older. She lives in the next block, and I got the impression he was living with her. Actually, I saw them jogging together this morning before breakfast." How nice for him. And how nice for him to embarra.s.s her with everyone. It was a small community and now people were seeing him with the girl ...Allie's age? ...oh G.o.d. She felt two thousand years old as she explained that she was a good friend, and they worked together on projects at all hours, and it was nothing.

She knew she hadn't convinced her friend, but she wasn't about to admit to anyone that Brad was involved with someone else. And she was angry that the woman had called her. It was a mean thing to do, and she had to have known when Page said they weren't getting divorced that there was trouble.

"How was Allyson?" her mother asked as she walked into the kitchen.

"The same," Page said distractedly. "How did you manage with Andy? Did he find the bathroom?" She smiled and her mother laughed.

"Of course. He's a wonderful boy. He made me and his aunt Alexis lunch and served it in the garden." G.o.d forbid they should do anything for themselves for a single moment.

She found Andy playing in his room, and he looked up when he saw her. He looked worried and sad and it tore at her heart when she saw his eyes. All of their lives had changed brutally in the past three weeks, and none of them understood it. They were all like drowning people. She sat down on the bed, and reached a hand out and touched him.

"How was Grandma?"

"Funny," he said, smiling up at her, as she longed to hold him. "She can't do anything. And neither can Aunt Alexis, her nails are too long to do anything. She can't even open a bottle of Evian. And Grandma asked me to wind her watch for her. She says she can't see it, and she couldn't find her gla.s.ses." He knew them well, and then he looked up at Page with a worried expression. "Where's Daddy?"

"He's in the city, working." She lied, as always.

"But it's Sunday." He was no fool, but she didn't want to tell him the truth, and he sensed it.

"He works hard." The b.a.s.t.a.r.d.

"Will he be home for dinner?"

"I don't know," she said honestly, and then he climbed up on her lap and she held him. She wanted to tell him that she would always love him, no matter what happened with his father, but she didn't want to say too much, so she just told him how much she loved him.

She went to cook dinner after that, and Brad surprised them and came home, and it actually started out to be a very pleasant dinner. Brad did a barbecue for them, and he was very quiet and polite. He avoided Page's eyes, but he made an effort to be nice to her mother, and he had Andy help him make the hamburgers and steaks and chicken. Alexis explained that she wasn't eating meat today, and she had Andy open a bottle of Evian for her.

And it was only when Page stood alone next to Brad that she turned to him and told him about the call from the woman she knew in the city.

"I hear you went jogging today before breakfast." He didn't say anything at first, he just looked at her, it had never occurred to him that anyone would tell her.

"Who told you that?" He sounded furious, and guilty.

"What difference does it make?"

"It's none of your f.u.c.king business," he said in total fury.

"This is our life you're throwing in the trash, Brad ...mine and Allie's ...and Andy's. You think he doesn't know what's going on. Try looking at his face once in a while. He knows. We all do."

"Great! What did you do? Tell him? You b.i.t.c.h!" He threw the cooking utensils down then, and stormed into the house, and Page struggled with the barbecue for a while until she burned herself, and Andy went running to get Brad. He was crying by then, he had heard them arguing and then he had seen Page burn herself. He didn't want her to get hurt, or his parents to shout, and he had heard them saying something about him. Maybe it was all his fault they were arguing, maybe his Dad was mad that Allie was hurt, and not Andy. He looked devastated as Brad prodded the steaks angrily, and finally finished the dinner. And all three Clarkes were extremely quiet as they sat down to dinner. But as usual, neither Mari-belle nor Alexis appeared to notice.

"What a marvelous cook you are," Maribelle complimented him. The steaks were good, but the atmosphere was poisonous. "Alexis, you really ought to try one of the steaks, they're too good to be true." But Alexis shook her head, happy with her lettuce leaves, and Page and Andy were picking at their dinner. Page still had an ice cube held to the two fingers she had burned, and there was already a nasty blister.

"How's your hand, Mom?" Andy asked her worriedly.

"It's fine, sweetheart." Brad said not a word and never looked at his wife. He was convinced now that she had told Andy about his affair, and he was so mad he wanted to kill her. He started arguing with her again in the kitchen when they cleaned up, and neither of them saw Andy standing on the other side of the counter.

"You told him, didn't you! You had no right to do that!"

"I did no such thing!" she shouted back at him. "I wouldn't do that to him. But you might as well tell him yourself, you're never here. What is he supposed to think? And what if someone tells him the way they told me?"

"It's none of his G.o.dd.a.m.n business either!" He slammed out of the kitchen again, and Page was crying as she put away the dishes. Brad had gone back outside and was putting out the barbecue, when her mother walked into the kitchen.

"What a lovely dinner, dear. We're having such a good time here." Page stared at her unbelievingly, not even sure what to say, it was all so surrealistic. But her family always had been.

"I'm glad you liked the dinner. Brad makes a good steak." Maybe he'd come back to cook steak for them after he remarried.

"You're a wonderful couple," she said, beaming at Page, who finally put down her dish towel and looked at her mother.

"Actually, Mom, things aren't going too well. I'm sure you noticed."

"Not at all. Of course you're both worried about Allyson, but that's natural. I'm sure in afew weeks you'll all be back to normal." It was amazing for her to even acknowledge that much.

"I'm not so sure of that anymore." And then she decided to tell her the whole truth. Why not? If she didn't like it, she'd just pretend she didn't hear it. "He's involved with someone else, and it's putting an awful lot of strain on us at the moment."

But her mother only shook her head, refusing to believe it. "I'm sure you're mistaken about that, dear. Brad would never do a thing like that. He'd never do anything to jeopardize your marriage."

"Yes, he is," Page went on doggedly, suddenly determined to make her believe it.

"All women think things like that from time to time. You're overwrought with this problem with Allyson." Problem? You mean like the fact that she's been in a coma for three weeks and might die? Oh that problem. Problem? You mean like the fact that she's been in a coma for three weeks and might die? Oh that problem...."You know, your father and I had our little arguments at times too, but they never amounted to anything serious. You just have to be a little more understanding." Page stood staring at her mother then, unable to believe what she was hearing. She was willing not to discuss what had happened in their family, but she was not willing to pretend it had never happened.

"I can't believe what you're saying," Page said hoa.r.s.ely.

"It's true ...hard as it is to believe, your father and I had our difficult moments."

"Mom, this is me ...Page ... do you remember what we went through?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about." Her mother turned away and started to leave the kitchen.

"Don't do this to me!" Page said, crying as she looked at her. "Don't you dare dare do this to me after all these years, with your pious, holier-than-thou lies ...! Little problems.' Do you remember who you were married to? ...what he did for all those years? How can you say that to me! Look at me dammit!" do this to me after all these years, with your pious, holier-than-thou lies ...! Little problems.' Do you remember who you were married to? ...what he did for all those years? How can you say that to me! Look at me dammit!"

Her mother turned slowly and stared at her blankly, as though she were unable to understand what had gotten into her daughter. Brad had just come in from the garden then, and he saw them, and the look on Page's face, and instinctively knew what had happened.

"Maybe you two should discuss this some other time," he said quietly, and Page turned to him in fury.

"Don't you tell me what to do and what not to do, you sonofab.i.t.c.h. You're out f.u.c.king your brains out night and day, and now you want me to take this s.h.i.t too? I'm not going to let her do this to me anymore." She turned back to her mother then. "You can't play these games with me ...you let him do what he did! You helped helped him! You let him into my room and locked the door, and told me I had to make Daddy happy ... I was thirteen years old! him! You let him into my room and locked the door, and told me I had to make Daddy happy ... I was thirteen years old! Thirteen! Thirteen! And you And you made made me sleep with my father! And Alexis was only too happy to turn her back on me, because he'd been doing it to her since she was twelve, and she was happy it was me and not her anymore! How me sleep with my father! And Alexis was only too happy to turn her back on me, because he'd been doing it to her since she was twelve, and she was happy it was me and not her anymore! How dare dare you try and pretend that didn't happen! You're lucky I let you in my front door and I'm willing to see you." you try and pretend that didn't happen! You're lucky I let you in my front door and I'm willing to see you."

Maribelle looked at her, deathly pale, and Brad could see that she was shaking. "Those are terrible accusations, Page, and you know they're not true. Your father would never have done a thing like that."

"He did and so did you, and you know it." She turned away from them then, with her back to them, and sobbed, but Brad didn't dare approach her. She turned back to face her mother then with a look of outrage. "I spent years trying to get over it, trying to heal myself of what you'd done ...and I could have lived with your telling me how sorry you were, how terrible you felt ...but how can you try to pretend it never happened?"

Alexis wandered into the kitchen with absolutely no idea of what was going on. She had been calling David from her bedroom.

"Do you mind making me some camomile?" she asked Page sweetly, who let out a groan of disbelief as she leaned against the counter.

"I don't believe you. The two of you. You've spent so many years hiding from the truth that you can't face anything. You can't even open a f.u.c.king bottle of water for yourself. How can you live like that? How can you do this to yourselves?"

Alexis looked suddenly terrified as she looked around at them. "I'm sorry ...I ...never mind ..."

"Here!" Page tossed a bottle of Evian at her and she caught it. "Mom was just telling me how Daddy never f.u.c.ked either of us when we were kids. Remember that, Alex? Or have you had a memory lapse too? Remember when you shoved me at him so he wouldn't do it to you anymore? Remember that?" She looked at both of them miserably. "He did it until I was sixteen and threatened to call the police on him, which neither of you would ever have had the courage to do. How could you do that for him? How could you help him?" She was sobbing by then. "I could never understand that." Especially once she had children, and Brad felt sick listening to her. He knew about it, but he had never heard her talk about it so bluntly, or confront them with it.

"How could you say a thing like that?" Alexis looked terrified. "Daddy was a doctor."

"Yeah," Page said through her tears. "I used to think that made a difference too, but it didn't, did it? It took me years to even go to a doctor after that. I always thought I'd be molested or raped. I didn't even go to the doctor half the time when I was pregnant, I was so afraid of what would happen. He was a great guy, our Dad, a wonderful man, a terrific doctor."

"He was a saint," Maribelle Addison said protectively, "and you know it." Alexis had moved instinctively closer to her, and the two women were huddled together, and it was clear that they were never going to admit what had happened.

"You know what's sad?" Page said, looking at them. "You disappeared after all that, Alex. You married David at eighteen, and you got a new ident.i.ty, new face, new b.o.o.bs, new eyes, new everything, so you didn't have to be Alexis anymore. You could be someone else so you could pretend it never happened." Alexis made not a sound as she listened. It was too threatening to her, now more than ever.

"Come on," Brad said quietly to Page, sorry that it had happened. Too much had happened to her lately. "Don't do this to yourself."

"No?" She turned to look at him. "Why not? Do you think I can pretend it never happened, like they do? Maybe I should do that with you too, pretend you're not out every night s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g around, pretend everything is wonderful and perfect. What a nice life ...except that I would kill myself if I tried to do that. I haven't lived this long, and come this far, and suffered this much in order to pretend I believe in a lot of bulls.h.i.t."

"Maybe other people can't handle that much honesty. Did you ever think of that?" he said sadly.

"A lot."

"They need places to hide in."

"I can't live like that, Brad."

"I know," he said softly, "I always loved that about you." But he had said it in the past tense and she had heard it.

Her mother and sister escaped from the kitchen then, and Page stood there for a moment trying to catch her breath as he watched her. "Are you all right?" He was worried about her, but he also knew that he couldn't give her what she needed. He didn't have it to give her anymore. That was just the way it was. And for once, it was honest.

"I don't know," she said honestly. "I guess I'm glad I said it. I've always wondered if she has denial and she believes all that s.h.i.t, or she just lies, to cover up for him, like she did then."

"Maybe it doesn't matter. She's never going to admit the truth to you, Page, and neither is Alexis. You know that. Don't expect it." She nodded. It had been a terrible night, but in some ways it had freed her. She went outside to sit alone for a while, and then she decided to go to the hospital to see Allyson. It was late, but all of a sudden she needed to see her. She told Brad before she went out, and she was sitting quietly in ICU a few minutes later. This time, she didn't say anything. She just sat there, thinking of everything Allyson had been before the accident, and missing her. It had been three weeks now.

"Mrs. Clarke, are you all right?" One of the night nurses noticed her at nine o'clock. She looked shaken and pale, and she was sitting so still, just staring at her daughter. Page nodded, and just sat there, until Trygve came by half an hour later.

"I wondered if you were here." He spoke softly amidst the whirring and puffing of the machines. "I don't know why, I just had a feeling you were. I've been thinking about you." He smiled, but then he noticed her eyes. She looked terrible, and she looked as though she'd been crying. "Are you okay?"

"More or less." She shrugged with a tired smile. "I kind of lost it tonight."

"Did it help?"

"I'm not sure. Not really. It won't change anything, but I got a lot off my chest."

"Then maybe it was worth it."

"Yeah. Maybe." She didn't seem sure as she looked at him, and he saw again that she looked ravaged. Allyson was the same, so he knew she hadn't had bad news about her. It was everything else.

"Want to come have a cup of coffee?" She shrugged again, but she followed him out as the nurse watched them. She felt so sorry for her. It had been a long haul, and so far there wasn't much hope her daughter would get any better. She hated cases like that, they were so hard on everyone, especially when it involved kids. Sometimes, she thought to herself, it was simpler if you lost them. But she never would have said that to the parents.

He handed her a cup of coffee from a machine, and she still hadn't said anything. He was getting more and more worried about her. They sat down in the ICU waiting room and her eyes looked huge in her face, and bluer than he had ever seen them.

"What's happening?" he asked gently as she took a slow sip of the hot coffee.

"I don't know ... I guess it's all getting to me ...Allie ...Brad ...my mother...."

"Did something happen?" He was trying to figure it out and she wasn't giving him any clues, but he wanted so much to help her.

"Nothing that hasn't happened before. My mother was playing never-never land, just like she always does, and I went nuts, I guess." She smiled at him and looked a little embarra.s.sed. "Maybe it wasn't the right thing to do, but I didn't have any choice at the time. I told her that Brad and I were in trouble, which was dumb of me, and she talked about my father." She wasn't sure how to tell him, and he was afraid to ask her. "My father and I ..." she began, and then stopped and took another sip of coffee. "We ...uh ...had a pretty strange relationship." She closed her eyes for a long moment then, and started to cry as she explained it to him. She hadn't really wanted to tell him, and yet she wanted to now. She wanted to be honest with him, and she knew it was safe to tell him anything.

"It's all right, Page," he sensed easily how miserable she was, "you don't have to say anything if you don't want to."

"No," she looked up at him, through her tears, "I want to. I'm not afraid to tell you ..." She took a breath and went on, "We ...uh ...he ...uh ...molested me when I was thirteen ...actually he slept with me ...he ...uh ...had intercourse with me, when I was thirteen ... it went on for a long time ...until I was sixteen ...and my mother knew it. Actually," she seemed to choke on the words, "she forced me to ...he'd been sleeping with Alexis for four years before that ...my mother was afraid of him. He was a very sick man, and he used to beat her, and she let him. She said we had to 'keep him happy' so he wouldn't hurt us ...she used to bring him in to me, and then lock the door behind him." Page was sobbing as he took her in his arms.

"My G.o.d, Page ...how awful ...how sick ..." He would have killed anyone who had done that to his daughter.

"I know. It's taken me years to get over it. I left when I was seventeen. I worked as a waitress to pay for an apartment. My mother said that was a terrible thing to do, that I had betrayed them ...I had broken his heart, she said ...when he died, for a while, I actually thought I'd killed him.

"Eventually, I met Brad in New York, and we got married and came out here. I found a good therapist, and I made my peace with it. But she's still trying to pretend it never happened. That's what got me so upset. I don't understand how she can do that. I've never understood any of it ...how she could know he was doing that, and still pretend that he was decent ...she called him a saint tonight, and it made me sick."

"No wonder you lost it," he said soberly as he listened. He was stroking her hair, and holding her as she talked, just as she did to Allie. "I'm amazed you even see her."

"I try not to most of the time, but with Allie's accident it was hard not to let her come out. I knew I shouldn't, but I always think I can play the game with her. The trouble is I just can't. Every time I see her it reminds me of when I was thirteen ...she hasn't changed ...and neither has Alexis."

"How did she get out of it?"

"He left her alone once he started with me," she sighed, and leaned closer to Trygve, knowing she was safe there. "And she got married at eighteen. I was only fifteen then. She ran away with a forty-year-old man. She's still married to him. I don't think he expects much. I think he's gay, and has had a lover for years. He's kind of like a father to her. And I think her answer was to become someone new, new face, new body, new name. David operates on her constantly and she loves it. And she's willing to play the same games as my mother, they both pretend it never happened."

"Did she ever get therapy?" He was intrigued. It was amazing that Page had survived it.

"I don't think so. She would certainly never mention it to me. But I think if she had, she'd say something. That would make us both survivors of our own little holocaust. But she's still playing the games with them. Actually, I don't think there's much of her left anyway. She's anorexic, bulimic, she's never had kids. She hardly even talks. She's just a showpiece for him, and she looks great in clothes. He spends a lot of money on her, and that keeps her happy." Page grinned at him then. "We're very different."

"Sounds like it. You look pretty good in clothes though."

"Not like that. All she cares about is her face and her body. She's constantly purging herself, starving herself, she's obsessed with being clean, and being the perfect beauty."

"Sounds like she still has a problem."

"How could she not?" Page said sadly. But she felt better now that she'd told him.

"I had a feeling the other day that there was a reason why you disliked them so much, if you really did. I was never entirely sure if you were just kidding."

"I wasn't. It's always a tough call for me. Do I see them and still preserve my sanity by not playing the game with them, or do I stay away from them? It's easier not to see them, but sometimes I have to."

He nodded, feeling drained just from listening to her, when one of the nurses came and told her there was a call for her. It was probably her mother, she a.s.sumed, wanting something. She was certainly not going to refer to their encounter in the kitchen. That much Page knew for sure. But it wasn't her mother, it was Brad, and he sounded frantic.

"Page ..." He sounded breathless. "It's Andy."