A Will and No Will or A Bone for the Lawyers Part 3

_Shark._ He may intend it, but shall not accomplish it, take my word; if he does I'll never plot again. You say he has never seen neither the Nephew nor the Niece since they were Children?

_Lucy._ Never.

_Shark._ Then he shall see them in my proper Person before he sleeps, and if I don't make him disinherit them, say I am a Fool and know nothing of Mankind.

_Lucy._ Here your Master comes.

_Shark._ He's welcome.

(_Enter_ BELLAIR)

_Bell._ O Lucy, we are all undone.

_Lucy._ Bless us; what's the matter, Sir?

_Bell._ I am just come from my Lady Lovewealth's, who, to my great Surprize, has a.s.sured me that my Addresses to her Daughter for the future will be highly improper, for that my Uncle had not only refused to make such a Settlement on me as she liked, but had resolved to marry Harriet himself.

_Lucy._ Pray Sir, what says the young Lady to all this?

_Bell._ She seems to comply with her Mother's avaricious Temper, but has vowed to me privately that should matters be brought to an Extremity, she will never consent.

_Lucy._ You, Sir, must act the same part; seem to approve of the Marriage by all means, for the more you oppose, the more violent they will be. Trust the affair to Shark and me, and I'll engage we bring you together in spite of Age and Avarice. I'll give the young Lady a hint or two, which I believe will cure the old Fellow of his Lovefit!

Shark, go you and prepare your Disguises; do you act the Nephew and the Niece well and I'll warrant everything else shall thrive.

(_Exit Shark_)

_Bell._ Dear Girl, the moment my Affairs are brought to bear, you may depend upon the five hundred pounds I promised you.--Is my Uncle up yet?

_Lucy._ He has been up this Hour--here he comes; be sure you comply with him, let him say what he will.

(_Enter_ SKINFLINT _dressed in a Nightgown, a fur Nightcap, his hands m.u.f.fled in Flannel, his feet in gouty Shoes_)

_Bell._ A good morning to you, Sir.

_Skin._ A good morning to you, Nephew. Auh! auh!

_Bell._ I am sorry to hear, Sir, you have had so bad a Night.

_Skin._ I had indeed, Nephew; I was afraid it was all over. Such another Fit would carry me off. Auh! auh!

_Bell._ But you are pretty well this morning, I hope, Sir.

_Skin._ Something better but very weak--very faint indeed, Nephew!

O--o--o, very faint.

_Bell._ You should take something comfortable, Sir--Cordials to repair the breaches you Illness hath made.

_Skin._ Lord, Nephew, it would require such a monstrous deal of Money, and really these Syringe Carriers and Glyster Baggs and Doctors give themselves such Airs, that a Man can't have their a.s.sistance, nor any of their Druggs and Slops under their Weight in Gold; therefore, I think, Nephew, since we are to dye we had better save our Money.

_Bell._ I grant you, Sir, the Fees of Surgeons and Physicians are exorbitant,--yet as Health and Life are our most valuable Blessings, we might lay a little out in Support of them--I mean in Cases of very great Danger.

_Skin._ No, no, the--auh, auh!--the Tenement is not worth the Repairs--auh--auh--I am like an old House that is ready to drop--the first high Wind, down I shall go--the next fit will carry me off.

_Bell._ Heaven forbid, Sir.

_Skin._ Therefore, I am resolved--auh! to settle my Affairs this very day. You know, Nephew, you were talking of Harriet, my Lady Lovewealth's Daughter; but my Lady truly will not consent to the Match, unless I make you my sole Heir, which you know, Child, cannot be, as I have another Nephew and a Niece, Sir Roger b.u.mper and his Sister, whom I intend to provide for.

_Bell._ Very true, Sir.

_Skin._ And so--Harry--as my Lady and I could not hit it off in regard to you--she hath persuaded me to marry the Girl myself; what is your Judgment of it, Nephew? ha!

_Bell._ If you like it, Sir, there can be no Objection to it.

(_Enter a_ SERVANT)

_Serv._ Sir, there is Mr. Littlewit, the Proctor, come to know your Commands.

_Skin._ Desire him to walk in. (_Exit Servant_)

(_Enter Mr._ LITTLEWIT)

So Mr. Littlewit, I have sent for you upon a Business which will perhaps surprize you; it is to draw up my marriage Articles.

_Little._ What between you and Death, I suppose. Ha! Your Will, I reckon you mean.

_Skin._ Dear Mr. Littlewit, your Jest is very ill timed; I mean, Sir, my marriage Articles with Harriet Lovewealth, and at the same time I intend to make my Will too; here are the Directions in this Paper for both; and let them be drawn up as soon as possible and looked over by my old Friend, Doctor Leatherhead; and pray bring him with you this Afternoon.

_Little._ Sir, your Directions shall be observed with Punctuality and Expedition. (_Exit_)

_Skin._ So you approve of my Marriage, you say, Nephew?

_Bell._ I think it the best thing you can do, Sir.

_Skin._ Why, Nephew, notwithstanding--I am so shattered with Age--and Infirmities--I a.s.sure you I have more Vigour than People imagine; what think you, Lucy?

_Lucy._ Your Eyes, Sir, look very sparkling and lively--but I think a--um--your other parts are not quite so brisk.

_Skin._ Why ay, 'tis true, my other parts are a little--a little morbific or so, as the Doctors say; but Harriet is very young, and she will be a charming Bedfellow. Besides, Nephew, I have a great Satisfaction in Disappointing my Crew of Relations, who have been like as many Undertakers for these twenty years past, enquiring not after my Health but my Death; but I'll be revenged on them. I will have the Pleasure of sending for 'em all, one by one, and a.s.suring them I will not leave a single Shilling among them.

(_Enter a_ SERVANT)

_Serv._ Sir, My Lady Lovewealth and her Daughter are come to wait on you.

_Skin._ Odso. I did not expect them so soon--Stay, stay, Boy; don't shew them up yet; my Mistress must not find me in this Pickle. Go you down, Lucy, and shew them into the Parlour, but return directly and help to dress me. (_Exeunt Lucy and Servant_) Come, Nephew, help me off with this Gown and Cap; let me make myself as agreeable as I can for my Mistress. Gently, gently, Child, have a care, have a care of my Hand (_pulling off the Gown_)! Oh! Oh! Oh! you have touched my gouty Finger. (_Enter Lucy_) Come hither, Lucy, do you dress me; you are most used to it. Are my Flannels warm?

_Lucy._ Here, here, all roasted--they have been at the Fire these three Hours. (_Lucy and Bellair dress him up like a ridiculous old man; they put a heap of Flannels on him, then his Clothes, and a ridiculous Tye Wig_)

_Skin._ Well, how do I look now? Pretty well, ha?