A Will and No Will or A Bone for the Lawyers Part 18

_Cank._ To see the partiality of Audiences--Idiots--d.a.m.n 'em, they never would attend to a Play of mine.

_Grub._ Nor mine.

_Plag._ No nor mine.

_Cank._ They always begun with me in the first Act by calling for the Epilogue. Dear Plagiary, do you think this thing will run?

_Plag._ I am afraid so.

_Cank._ _Why then your Tragedy cannot come out this year_----

_Plag._ No Sir, nor your Comedy.

_Grub._ Nor my Mask.

_Cank._ Isn't it monstrous that the Publick must be deprived of such an excellent performance as your Mask is, which is preferable to anything Milton ever wrote for such a wretched _flimsy piece of Stuff_?

_Grub._ Upon my word, Sir, I think the Publick is much worse used in respect of your Comedy, which has the Art and Character of Johnson, the Ease and Elegance of Etheridge, the Wit of Congreve, and the happy ridiculum of Moliere; and is indisputably the best that has been written in our Language.

_Plag._ Was there ever such Injustice shewn in a Theatre as the setting aside my Tragedy _which has the Approbation of all the Judges in England_?

_Cank._ It is severe Treatment no Doubt on't for your Piece stands in the first Cla.s.s of Tragedy; it is written according to the strictest French Rules, and for the true Sublime as far beyond Shakespear as Banks is beneath him. But what signifies the Excellence of a Piece?

Neither your Tragedy, my Comedy, nor your Mask can come on. The Stage is quite monopolized for this Year if this Thing, I can't call it a Play, is suffered to run.

_Plag._ Ay, and what is worse, if some means is not found out to check it, ten to one but we shall be plagued with another next year.

_Grub._ Well, what's to be done?

_Cank._ Why Gentlemen, it is a Common Cause, and requires an active Opposition. We must try fairly to hunt it down by Journals, Epigrams and Pamphlets;--you must attack the Characters,--you the Sentiments and Dialogue, while I expose the Moral and the Fable.

_Plag._ With all my Heart.

_Grub._ Agreed. And now let us join the Company and try if we can't bring them over to our Party; for tho' the most of them are Idiots, yet they will serve to fill up the Cry, which you know is the present Test of Right and Wrong. (_Exit_)

_Plag._ Pray did you ever read his Mask?

_Cank._ I attempted to read it several times but could never get through it.

_Plag._ It is the vilest Thing sure that ever dullness produced.

And yet the Fools are as fond of it as if Apollo and the Nine had approved it. Amazing that Men can be so blind to their own Foibles. (_Exit_)

_Cank._ I am sure if you were not as great a Stranger to your own Dullness as you are to Apollo and the Nine, as you quaintly call them, you would never think of writing a Tragedy. But most Writers are such vain, envious c.o.xcombs, and busy themselves so continually in the pleasing Search of other People's Faults, that they never have time to look into their own. For this Blockhead now, who has no more Imagination than a Dutch Burgomaster, because he can common place Corneille and Racine, sets up for the Euripides of the Age, and has the Vanity to prefer his sleepy, lumpish Tragedy to my Comedy which has that Viscomica, that fine Ridiculum of Human Nature which Caesar so lauded in the Greek and so regretted the Want of in the Roman Poet. (_Exit_)

(_Enter_ HARRIET _and_ HEARTLY)

_Har._ O I have teazed the Wretch 'till his Envy shook him like the Ague fit.

_Heart._ And I have praised the Play and flattered my Lady's Judgment to such a Degree of Pride and Obstinancy as will never bear Contradiction again. No successful Poet after his Ninth Night was ever so brimfull of Vanity as I have made her Ladyship. She run[s] over with folly.

_Har._ Let me tell you, Sir, Trifle makes a pretty ridiculous Figure upon this Occasion.

_Heart._ And indeed upon any Occasion; he never departs from his Character. I left him, and that other c.o.xcomb Nibble, in the most ridiculous dispute about the Rules of Criticism, and what was high, and what was low Comedy, and what was Farce, that ever was heard. Sir Patrick, he got into the Squabble with them, and did so contradict himself and them, and did so flounder and blunder that they had all gone to Loggerheads if my Lady hadn't stepped in and pre-emptorily decided the point.

_Har._ O delightful! I should have liked that of all things. See here the Knight comes; let us play him off a little.

_Heart._ With all my Heart.

(_Enter Sir_ PATRICK)

_Heart._ Sir Patrick, your humble Servant, have you settled the Argument between Nibble and Trifle at last?

_Sir Pat._ Yes, yes, I settled it as dead as a Door Nail betwixt them.

_Heart._ Which way, Sir?

_Sir Pat._ Why I told them they were both wrong and knew nothing at all of the Matter, but they did not believe me so they went to it again, and there I left them.--(_Seeing Harriet, addresses her_) Madam, I am your most obedient Slave and humble Servant! 'Till death do us part.

_Har._ O Sir Patrick, you are superlatively obliging. (_Curtzying very low_) I am afraid, Sir Patrick, that is more than my short Acquaintance with you can merit.

_Sir Pat._ O Madam, you merit more than human Nature can bestow upon you. You are all perfection, beautiful as Venus, and as wise as Medusa.

_Both._ Ha, ha, ha.

_Heart._ Medusa! Ha, ha, ha, Minerva I believe you mean.

_Sir Pat._ Faith I believe so too; but one may easily mistake; you know they are so very much alike, especially as they are both Heathen G.o.ds too.

_Both._ Ha, ha, ha.

_Heart._ Very true, Sir.

_Sir Pat._ Upon my Honour, Madam, I have travelled over several of the Terrestial Globes both by Land and Sea and I never saw so fair a Creature as your Ladyship, but one, and she was an Indian Queen and black as a Raven.

_Har._ Pray Sir, in all your Travels were you never in Ireland?

_Sir Pat._ I was in Paris, Madam; I lived there all my Life. Parlez vous Francois?

_Har._ Sir, I don't understand your speaking French very well.

_Sir Pat._ Oui, Madamoiselle, je le parle Francois, but I cannot speak a word of Irish tho' I was often taken for an Irish Gentleman when I was abroad--because you must know I used to converse very much with them.

_Har._ And pray, Sir, in all your Travels through the Terrestial Globes by Land and Sea, are you sure you never were in Ireland?

_Sir Pat._ No, Madam, I can't say positively--Stay--let me remember if I can--Ireland--Ireland--tho' to tell you the Truth, Madam, _I have a very bad Memorandum_.

_Both._ Ha, ha, ha.

_Sir Pat._ Faith, Madam, I can't find by my Brain that ever I was so happy as to visit that Kingdom.