A Will and No Will or A Bone for the Lawyers Part 16

_Lady._ What a well bred Manner he has.

_Sir Pat._ I hope, Sir, you will excuse my Modesty on this Occasion.

_Heart._ O dear Sir, your Modesty I dare answer for it will never stand in need of any Excuse.

_Sir Pat._ O your very--Sir, I hope you will likewise pardon my Neglect of not introducing myself sooner to your Acquaintance, but I a.s.sure you, Sir, the Reason was because I never saw you before.

_Heart._ Sir, your Reason is unanswerable; your Name I think is Bashfull, Sir?

_Sir Pat._ Sir Patrick Bashfull at your Service.

_Heart._ Of the Bashfulls of Ireland I presume, Sir?

_Sir Pat._ No Sir, I am originally descended from the Fitz-Bashfulls of France--tho' indeed our Family was of Irish Distraction first of all.

_Heart._ Your t.i.tle is of Ireland I suppose, Sir?

_Sir Pat._ And most Courts of Europe, Sir; I have an intimate Interest with them all, and should be proud to do you any Service with any of them from the Court of Versailles down to the distressed State of Genoa.

_Heart._ Sir, you are infinitely obliging.

_Lady._ Well but, Mr. Heartly, you will go with us tomorrow Night?

_Heart._ By all means, Madam.

_Lady._ I have taken a Box for twenty Night; don't you think it will run so long, Sir Patrick?

_Sir Pat._ Indeed I believe it will, my Lady, and twenty days too--for it is a charming thing. Pray Madam, is it not one of Shakespear's?

_Lady._ O Lud no, Sir--it is entirely new, never was acted before.

_Sir Pat._ _I protest, Madam, it is so very fine I took it for one of Shakespear's--for you must know, Madam, that I am a great Admirer of Shakespear and Milton's Comedies--they are very diverting. O they have fine long Soliloquies in them--to be or not to be, that's the Dispute--Don't you think, Madam, that's a charming fine Play--that Hamlet Prince of Dunkirk, and Oth.e.l.lo Moor of Venus they say is a very deep Comedy, but I never saw it acted._

_Lady._ To be sure Shakespear was a very tolerable Author for the time, Sir Patrick, he writ in, but--a--he was excessively incorrect.

Don't you think he was, Mr. Heartly?

_Heart._ Extremely so, my Lady.

_Lady._ Well this Comedy is quite Aristotelian, with an infinity of Plot--quite tip top--You will like it immensely; it is quite a high thing.

_Heart._ To be sure n.o.body has a more elegant Taste of Works of Genius than your Ladyship, particularly of the Drama.

_Lady._ Why really, Mr. Heartly, I think I have some tolerable Ideas of the finer Arts. Mr. Canker, who is allowed to have more critical Learning than any man since Zoilus, says I have an Exquisite Taste of Dramatick Rules--I have given him several hints in his Plays--and have sometimes writ an Entire Scene for him.

_Heart._ To be sure, Madam, your Knowledge is indisputable--but I am afraid Mr. Canker will call your Judgment in question about this New Play, for he rails at it excessively.

_Lady._ He did abuse it to an infinite Degree before it came out; but he will soon be convinced when he hears my Judgment of it, and to tell you a Secret, Mr. Heartly, I am a little picqued at him for speaking so ill of it--for I have a great Regard for the Author. Sir Charles Stanza is to bring him to sup tonight, and we are to be immensely intimate, and there is nothing I like so much as an Acquaintance with a new Author.

(_Enter_ FOOTMAN)

_Foot._ Mr. Advocate the Lawyer is come to wait on your Ladyship.

_Lady._ O he has brought the Marriage Articles; Harriet, I hope all your Objections to Mr. Canker are removed, for this Night he is to declare his Pa.s.sion either for you or your Sister, and if you should be his Choice, I desire as you have any regard for me that you will receive him with Respect and Esteem. He has an immense deal of Wit, and a most refined Understanding; as you are at my disposal, I expect an implicit Acceptance of the Person I shall recommend.

_Sir Pat._ Upon my Honour, my Lady, tho' I know nothing at all of the Matter, I think you talk very reasonably. Shall I have the Honour of your Ladyship's Hand? (_Exit Sir Patrick and Lady Critick_)

_Har._ Well Sir, Matters are brought to a Crisis.

_Heart._ They are so, and I see no Remedy but the old one.

_Har._ Pray Sir, what is that?

_Heart._ What you resolved on just now--Jacyntha's----

_Har._ What, running away? No, no, Sir, I don't think that quite so necessary to our Plot as it was to theirs; it will be time enough to put that Scheme in Execution when every thing else fails.

_Heart._ But dear Harriet, what's to be done? You see that Canker pretends a Pa.s.sion for you, and your Aunt is fully determined on the Match--I will openly avow my Love----

_Har._ Not for your Life. That would infallibly ruin us. Let my Lady and Canker still imagine you are fond of my Sister. You and she have dissembled it so well hitherto, that they are convinced of it; let them continue in their Error, for if Canker gets the least Suspicion of your Tendre for me, so inveterate is his Envy, that he would though he loved another, infallibly make me his Choice.

_Heart._ I am convinced.

_Har._ The Wretch loves me, his Behaviour at least makes me think so; if he does, I will probe his Heart and raise such a Conflict in it between Love and Envy as shall soon decide which is his most predominant Pa.s.sion. See here [he] comes; be gone. [_Exit Heartly_] He must not see us together.

(_Enter_ CANKER)

_Har._ O Mr. Canker, your Servant; we are infinitely obliged to you for your Company at the New Play.

_Cank._ Madam, I beg a Million of Pardons for disappointing you. I had an intolerable Head Ache which rendered me incapable of the Happiness of waiting on you.

_Har._ Nay that won't pa.s.s for an Excuse; being there would have cured your Head Ache; the clapping and laughing would have diverted and drove it away.

_Cank._ Yes into my Heart. (_Aside_) Madam, I have often tried and found that kind of Noise increased my Disorder.

_Har._ I fancy, Mr. Canker, because you are sure of my Aunt's Consent that you begin to exert the Husband already and are ashamed to be seen with me in Publick.

_Cank._ Madam, you wrong me; the Husband shall be lost in the Lover.

My Heart knows no Sensation but from your heavenly Image.

_Har._ O dear Mr. Canker, you had better keep this Poetic Nonsense 'till you write a Tragedy--It may pa.s.s then--But in such a Scene as ours your Brother Criticks will certainly laugh at it; besides, you have said all these fine things to me a thousand times; it is now time to drop them, and instead of Fustian speak plain Common Sense. My Aunt has promised and vowed in my Name, and this Night by Contract resolved to make up a Conjugal Match between you and I, but before we play for so large a Stake as Matrimony, is it not proper to have a good Opinion and a thorough Knowledge of the Skill and Integrity of our Partners that we are to play with?

_Cank._ Sure Madam, you cannot doubt the sincerity of my Heart?

_Har._ Um--why you Men are a kind of Sharpers in Love; you lose trifles to us in Courtship in order to make us the greater Bubbles in Marriage; therefore, like fair Gamesters, let us play upon the Square by letting each other know what they have to trust to.

_Cank._ Madam, my Heart is open to your Dictates; write your own Laws in it.

_Har._ If you will let me write them in my Marriage Articles, Sir, I shall think my Obligation to you much greater.