A Will and No Will or A Bone for the Lawyers Part 14

_Foot._ No indeed, Zir, it was a mistake of mine; I mean it made me cry zo I could not leave it.

_Cank._ Leave your blundering, you blockhead, and tell me how it was received; did they hiss it?

_Foot._ Yes Zir, yes Zir, there was as much hizzing as when your Tragedy was acted.

_Cank._ Rascal, how dare you mention that, hissed. (_Strikes him_)

_Foot._ Why what the Devil would you have a Man zay. You be'ent pleased when I tell you it was clapt, nor you be'ent pleased when I tell you it was hissed. (_Cries_) But whether you are pleased or no, I tell you it was clapt very much and was ten times comicaller than your Tragedy, and made the People laugh more.

(_Runs off for fear of being beat_)

_Cank._ How this ignorant Rascal has teized me by his Account! I can't tell whether it was d.a.m.ned or saved; he said it was clapt--but he said afterwards it was hissed--it may be so for _it is impossible mere Incidents_, which are the chief Merit of this Piece, should make it succeed! Were I sure of that, would I had gone myself! O what a secret Rapture should I have had in the hypocritical Exertion of my seeming good Nature in the Author's behalf. When I was sure it would not serve him, I would have stabbed and wounded his Fame by my pity for his ill Success, 'till I had made both him and his Play as contemptible as Vanity and Dullness, but the Fear of being martyred by its Applause was insupportable. I could never have survived it.

(_Enter Mr._ HEARTLY)

_Heart._ Mr. Canker, your most humble Servant.

_Cank._ Mr. Heartly, yours.

_Heart._ Are the Ladies come home from the Play?

_Cank._ Not yet, Sir; weren't you there, Mr. Heartly?

_Heart._ No, Sir, I had some Business of Consequence which prevented me. _I hear there were prodigious Crowds there and that the House was full by four o'clock._

_Cank._ I am surprized at that, for I think that this Author has never writ for the Stage before.

_Heart._ That may be the Reason why he excites such Curiosity now; for the People look upon every new Author as a Candidate for publick Fame or Disgrace; and as the Right of Election is vested in them, each Man's Friendship, Vanity, or Envy prompts him to exert his Authority the first Night, lest he should never have an Opportunity afterwards.

_Cank._ Well I wish this Gentleman well of his Election. _I knew him at School and College_, and have some small Acquaintance with him now; a--a--as a Man I like him extremely, but--as--an--a--a--a--a--an Author, a, um,--I wish he had not writ, that's all.

_Heart._ Why so Sir, I think there is not a Gentleman in Britain but might be proud of being the Author of a well wrote Play.

_Cank._ Ha, ha, Lord, Mr.--sure you can't call his a Play. _It is rather a Pantomime, a thing stuffed with Escapes, Pursuits, Ladders of Ropes and Scenes in the Dark, all a parcel of Pantomimical Finesses such as you see every Night at Rich's Entertainments. Ranger is really the Harlequin and Mr. Strictland Colombine's Husband; though the Author is an Acquaintance and a Man whom I respect, notwithstanding I have so contemptible an Opinion of the Play, I heartily wish he may succeed._

_Heart._ This is a very strange way of showing your Respect, Mr.

Canker.

_Cank._ Sir, I a.s.sure you my Censure of the Piece arises from my Esteem of the Author. I would have him exploded now, that he may not expose himself by writing again. Besides I have some Concern for the Publick; it should not be overrun with every Fool _who mistakes Inclination for Genius_.

_Heart._ Nor plagued with every invidious Wretch who mistakes Envy for Judgment and a.s.surance for Parts. If the Suspicious Husband has Merit, the Publick will reward it; if not they will condemn it.

_Cank._ The Publick! ha, ha, ha, Mr. Heartly, ask any Man of real Taste and Learning what he thinks of publick Judgment.

_Heart._ 'Tis true they have been often in the wrong, but then it is always on the good Natured Side. They have sometimes applauded where perhaps they should have censured, _but there never was an Instance where they condemned unjustly_.

_Cank._ Yes Sir, they condemned several of my pieces unjustly and shamefully, and _if they applaud such a piece as the Suspicious Husband_, I say they have lost all Taste of good Writing and true Comedy.

_Heart._ O here is my Lady's Woman, Mrs. Chatter: she has been at the Play and can give us the whole Account of it.

(_Enter Mrs._ CHATTER _and_ FOOTMAN)

_Mrs. Chat._ Pray Mr. Thomas, be so good as to get me a Gla.s.s of Water.

_Foot._ Yes ma'm. (_Going_)

_Chat._ And pray give this Capuchin and Fan to the Chambermaid.

_Foot._ Yes ma'm. (_Exit_)

_Chat._ Gentlemen, I beg ten thousand Pardons, but I must sit down a bit, I am so immensely fatigued.

_Heart._ Pray Mrs. Chatter, what it is Matter?

_Chat._ Matter! The Devil fetch the new Play for me, and the Play-House, and the Players, and all of them together, for I was never so chagrinned since I was born.

_Cank._ What you did not like the Play, I suppose, Mrs. Chatter, nor the Acting.

_Chat._ O quite the contrary, Sir, I never saw a prettier Play in all my Life, and I think Mr. Ranger the Templer is a charming Fellow! O lud! I protest I should not care to trust myself with him in his Chambers--well he made me laugh a thousand times tonight, with his going up the Ladder of Ropes, and then into the Lady's Chamber, and his dropping his Hat, and his going to ravish Jacyntha, and a thousand comical things--but he brings all off at last. (_Enter Footman with a Gla.s.s of Water_) O Mr. Thomas, I thank you. (_Drinks, gives him the Gla.s.s, Footman is going off_) O Mr. Thomas.

_Foot._ Madam.

_Chat._ I vow I am over Shoes and Boots with walking home from the Playhouse; there was neither Chair nor Coach to be had for Love or Money; pray will you tell the Chambermaid to leave out some clean things for me in my Lady's dressing Room.

_Foot._ I shall, Madam. (_Going_)

_Chat._ O one thing more--pray Mr. Thomas, let the Monkey and the Parrot be removed out of my Lady's dressing Room, for I know she won't care to converse with them tonight.--The new Comedy I suppose will engross our Chat for one week at least.

_Foot._ A pox on these Monkeys and Parrots and these second hand Quality; they require more Attendance than our Ladies. (_Exit_)

_Heart._ Pray Mrs. Chatter, if you were pleased with the Play and the Acting, from whence arises your Distress?

_Chat._ From the oddest Accident in the World, Mr. Heartly. You must know, Mr. Canker, that I am a vast Admirer of the Belles Lettres as my Lady calls 'em, and never miss the first Night of a new thing--I am as fond of a new thing as my Lady is and I a.s.sure you she often takes my Judgment upon any new Play or Opera, and the Actors and Actresses. For you must know, Mr. Canker, I am thought a very tolerable Judge.

_Cank._ Well, but how did the Play succeed?

_Chat._ O immensely.

_Cank._ Was it hissed?

_Chat._ Not once.

_Heart._ Was it applauded?

_Chat._ To an immensity.

_Cank._ Psha! impossible! She knows nothing of the Matter.

_Chat._ No to be sure, Mr. Canker, I know nothing of the Matter because I did not like your Play; but I would have you to know, Sir, that my Lady and I know a good Play when we see or read it as well as you for all your Aristotle and your Cook upon Littleton, and all your great Criticks. (_Exit_)