A Will and No Will or A Bone for the Lawyers Part 10

_Bell._ Sir, I humbly beg Pardon. (_Bowing very low_)

_Shar._ Well, beg Pardon and be satisfied. I think you have reason--here I shall have you Master of six or seven thousand pounds per Annum, as you call it, and almost a Plumb and a half in ready Cole, and you are not satisfied; say one Word more and I'll tear my Will, or leave every Shilling to the Inhabitants of Bedlam or to the Man that finds out the Longitude.

_Bell._ I have done, Sir.

_Shar._ Pray then have done, Sir, and don't fret me.

_Bell._ An impudent Rogue, but I must not contend with him now.

(_Aside_)

_Shar._ Lord, it is as much trouble to give away an Estate as to get it.

_Doct._ Mr. Bellair, you should not interrupt the Testator; at such a time his Mind should not be disturbed.

_Shar._ You are in the right, Doctor Leatherhead. Let me see, have I no Friend that I care to oblige with two or three thousand--I am in such a generous Temper that I don't care to leave off yet. I have a great Mind to give Shark a handful over, but----

_Bell._ Sir!

_Shar._ No, I believe I have done.

_Doct._ Will you please to sign then?

_Shar._ That I would with all my Heart, but that the Gout and Palsy prevent me.

_Doct._ Then we must observe, Mr. Littlewit, that the said Testator does declare his inability to write.

_Shar._ Is the Bond to my Nephew ready?

_Little._ Yes Sir.

_Shar._ But is it strong, and so well drawn that the old Nick himself should he turn Pettyfogger could not reverse it?

_Doct._ It is, Sir.

_Shar._ Very well.

_Doct._ There if you please to make your mark by touching the Pen.

(_Shark touches the Pen_) So, and put the Watch over his Hand, and let him take off the Seal--so, very well, Sir, you publish and declare this to be your last Will and Testament, and desire Doctor Leatherhead and Mr. Littlewit to be Witnesses thereunto?

_Shar._ I do.

(_All the ceremony of signing and sealing and delivering is performed_)

_Doct._ Very well, Sir Isaac, I will take care they shall be properly registered.

_Shar._ I beg, good Folks, that you will slip into the next Room for a few Moments while I compose myself after this intolerable Fatigue; Nephew, pray shew them in, and do the Honours of my House in the genteelest Manner.

_Bell._ I shall, Sir.--Doctor Leatherhead, Mr. Littlewit--will you walk in, Gentlemen?

_Doct._ Sir, your Servant, Sir.

_Little._ Your's; we wish you better.

_Shar._ Your Servant, your Servant, Gentlemen. Auh, auh--quick, quick.

(_Coughs_) (_Exeunt all but Lucy and Shark_) Lucy, off with my Roguery, and let me appear in my native honesty. I have had Gibbets and Halters in my Mind a hundred Times, pa.s.sing and repa.s.sing, since I began this Business. I am horridly afraid that the Devil and Sir Isaac, for I suppose they are met by this time, will contrive some means to counterplot us. Tho' I think I shall be a Match for them, if we can keep the Law on our side, let me but secure that and I defy the Devil and all his Works. There, there they are, the precious Robes of Deceit. (_Throws down the old Man's Gown and Cap_) I think there has been transacted as ingenious a Scene of Iniquity in that Gown, within the short s.p.a.ce of half an Hour, as in any Gown that has been trapesed in Westminster Hall since the ingenious Mr. Wreathc.o.c.k was transported--Now my dear Lucy, after all this Fatigue and Bustle (_Throws down the old Man's dress_) I think it would not be amiss for you and I to relieve _and solace ourselves in the lawful State of Procreation_.

_Lucy._ Time enough, Fool. Consider Matrimony is a long Journey.

_Shar._ True, Lucy; therefore the sooner we set out the better; for Love, my Dear, like Time must be taken by the Forelock.

_Lucy._ Come, come, this is no time for prating and fooling. Do you join the Company to avoid Suspicion, and tomorrow Morning put me in Mind of it. If I am in Humour, I may perhaps walk towards Doctors Commons and venture at a great Leap in the Dark with you, for so I think marriage may be justly called.

_Shar._ Why ay, this is speaking like one that has a mind to Deal.

_Here's my hand; it shall stand on my side._

_Lucy._ And here's my hand. If I can help it, it shall not fail on mine.

_Shar._ Touch--Buss--I like the Sample and _am resolved to purchase the whole Commodity_. (_Exit Shark_)

(_Monsieur_ DU MAIGRE _within_)

_Maigre._ Mistress Lucy! Mistress Lucy! why you no come when your Maitre Janie be so very much bad--where be you?

_Lucy._ Who have we here? Our Apothecary, Monsieur du Maigre! Pray Heaven the old Man is not come to Life again.

(_Enter Monsieur_ DU MAIGRE)

_Maigre._ O Mistress Lucy for shame! Pardie, why you no come to your Maitre! He be dead this one half quartre de Hour, and you no come; by Gar, he wanta his Gown and his Cap.

_Lucy._ What, is he alive?

_Maigre._ Yes; he was dead, but I bring him to Life; I bleed a him, and so he comes from the dead Man to de Life. But come, allons, vite, vite, he want a de Gown. (_Takes up the Gown and Cap_)

_Lucy._ So we have been making a Will to a fine Purpose.

_Maigre._ Allons, vite, vite, Mistress Lucy, he be very bad indeed--and he want a you ver much, allons. (_Exeunt_)

(_Enter_ BELLAIR _and_ SHARK)

_Shar._ Well, Sir, now who is the Fool? the Blockhead? Did not I tell you we should succeed?

_Bell._ Yes but, Scoundrel, how did you dare to make such a Will?

_Shar._ In what respect, Sir?

_Bell._ In what, Rascal! To Lucy and yourself, how dare you leave so much money between you?

_Shar._ For the best reason in the World, Sir, because I knew n.o.body dared to contradict me. And had I thought you would have been angry at it--I a.s.sure you, Sir--I should have left as much more. Why Sir, if you will consider the Affair impartially, you will find I had a right to be Co-heir with you.