A Trip to Scarborough; and, The Critic Part 4

_Ber_. Indeed I don't: but I consider I'm a woman, and form my resolutions accordingly.

_Aman_. Well, my opinion is, form what resolutions you will, matrimony will be the end on't.

_Ber_. I doubt it--but a--Heavens! I have business at home, and am half an hour too late.

_Aman_. As you are to return with me, I'll just give some orders, and walk with you.

_Ber_. Well, make haste, and we'll finish this subject as we go--[_Exit_ AMANDA.]. Ah, poor Amanda! you have led a country life. Well, this discovery is lucky! Base Townly! at once false to me and treacherous to his friend!--And my innocent and demure cousin too! I have it in my power to be revenged on her, however. Her husband, if I have any skill in countenance, would be as happy in my smiles as Townly can hope to be in hers. I'll make the experiment, come what will on't. The woman who can forgive the being robbed of a favoured lover, must be either an idiot or a wanton. [_Exit_.]

ACT III.

SCENE I.--LORD FOPPINGTON's _Lodgings.

Enter_ LORD FOPPINGTON, _and_ LA VAROLE.

_Lord Fop_. Hey, fellow, let thy vis-a-vis come to the door.

_La Var_. Will your lordship venture so soon to expose yourself to the weather?

_Lord Fop_. Sir, I will venture as soon as I can expose myself to the ladies.

_La Var_. I wish your lordship would please to keep house a little longer; I'm afraid your honour does not well consider your wound.

_Lord Fop_. My wound!--I would not be in eclipse another day, though I had as many wounds in my body as I have had in my heart. So mind, Varole, let these cards be left as directed; for this evening I shall wait on my future father-in-law, Sir Tunbelly, and I mean to commence my devoirs to the lady, by giving an entertainment at her father's expense; and hark thee, tell Mr. Loveless I request he and his company will honour me with their presence, or I shall think we are not friends.

_La Var_. I will be sure, milor. [_Exit_.]

_Enter_ TOM FASHION.

_Fash_. Brother, your servant; how do you find yourself to-day?

_Lord Fop_. So well that I have ardered my coach to the door--so there's no danger of death this baut, Tam.

_Fash_. I'm very glad of it.

_Lord Fop_. [_Aside_.] That I believe a lie.-- [_Aloud_.] Pr'ythee, Tam, tell me one thing--did not your heart cut a caper up to your mauth, when you heard I was run through the bady?

_Fash_. Why do you think it should?

_Lord Fop_. Because I remember mine did so when I heard my uncle was shot through the head.

_Fash_. It, then, did very ill.

_Lord Fop_. Pr'ythee, why so?

_Fash_. Because he used you very well.

_Lord Fop_. Well!--Naw, strike me dumb! he starved me; he has let me want a thausand women for want of a thausand paund.

_Fash_. Then he hindered you from making a great many ill bargains; for I think no woman worth money that will take money.

_Lord Fop_. If I was a younger brother I should think so too.

_Fash_. Then you are seldom much in love?

_Lord Fop_. Never, stap my vitals!

_Fash_. Why, then, did you make all this bustle about Amanda?

_Lord Fop_. Because she's a woman of insolent virtue, and I thought myself piqued in honour to debauch her.

_Fash_. Very well.--[_Aside_.] Here's a rare fellow for you, to have the spending of ten thousand pounds a year! But now for my business with him.--[_Aloud_.] Brother, though I know to talk of any business (especially of money) is a theme not quite so entertaining to you as that of the ladies, my necessities are such, I hope you'll have patience to hear me.

_Lord Fop_. The greatness of your necessities, Tam, is the worst argument in the waurld for your being patiently heard. I do believe you are going to make a very good speech, but, strike me dumb! it has the worst beginning of any speech I have heard this twelvemonth.

_Fash_. I'm sorry you think so.

_Lord Fop_. I do believe thou art: but, come, let's know the affair quickly.

_Fash_. Why, then, my case, in a word, is this: the necessary expenses of my travels have so much exceeded the wretched income of my annuity, that I have been forced to mortgage it for five hundred pounds, which is spent. So unless you are so kind as to a.s.sist me in redeeming it, I know no remedy but to take a purse.

_Lord Fop_. Why, faith, Tam, to give you my sense of the thing, I do think taking a purse the best remedy in the waurld; for if you succeed, you are relieved that way, if you are taken [_Drawing his hand round his neck_], you are relieved t'other.

_Fash_. I'm glad to see you are in so pleasant a humour; I hope I shall find the effects on't.

_Lord Fop_. Why, do you then really think it a reasonable thing, that I should give you five hundred paunds?

_Fash_. I do not ask it as a due, brother; I am willing to receive it as a favour.

_Lord Fop_. Then thou art willing to receive it anyhow, strike me speechless! But these are d.a.m.ned times to give money in; taxes are so great, repairs so exorbitant, tenants such rogues, and bouquets so dear, that the devil take me I'm reduced to that extremity in my cash, I have been forced to retrench in that one article of sweet pawder, till I have brought it down to five guineas a maunth--now judge, Tam, whether I can spare you five paunds.

_Fash_. If you can't I must starve, that's all.-- [_Aside_.] d.a.m.n him!

_Lord Fop_. All I can say is, you should have been a better husband.

_Fash_. Ouns! if you can't live upon ten thousand a year, how do you think I should do't upon two hundred?

_Lord Fop_. Don't be in a pa.s.sion, Tam, for pa.s.sion is the most unbecoming thing in the waurld--to the face. Look you, I don't love to say anything to you to make you melancholy, but upon this occasion I must take leave to put you in mind that a running horse does require more attendance than a coach-horse.

Nature has made some difference twixt you and me.

_Fash_. Yes--she has made you older.--[_Aside_.] Plague take her.

_Lord Fop_. That is not all, Tam.

_Fash_. Why, what is there else?

_Lord Fop. [_Looks first on himself and then on his brother_.] Ask the ladies.

_Fash_. Why, thou essence-bottle, thou musk-cat! dost thou then think thou hast any advantage over me but what Fortune has given thee?

_Lord Fop_. I do, stap my vitals!

_Fash_. Now, by all that's great and powerful, thou art the prince of c.o.xcombs!

_Lord Fop_. Sir, I am proud at being at the head of so prevailing a party.

_Fash_. Will nothing provoke thee?--Draw, coward!

_Lord Fop_. Look you, Tam, you know I have always taken you for a mighty dull fellow, and here is one of the foolishest plats broke out that I have seen a lang time. Your poverty makes life so burdensome to you, you would provoke me to a quarrel, in hopes either to slip through my lungs into my estate, or to get yourself run through the guts, to put an end to your pain. But I will disappoint you in both your designs; far, with the temper of a philasapher, and the discretion of a statesman--I shall leave the room with my sword in the scabbard. [_Exit_.]

_Fash_. So! farewell, brother; and now, conscience, I defy thee. Lory!

_Enter_ LORY.

_Lory_. Sir!

_Fash_. Here's rare news, Lory; his lordship has given me a pill has purged off all my scruples.

_Lory_. Then my heart's at ease again: for I have been in a lamentable fright, sir, ever since your conscience had the impudence to intrude into your company.

_Fash_. Be at peace; it will come there no more: my brother has given it a wring by the nose, and I have kicked it downstairs. So run away to the inn, get the chaise ready quickly, and bring it to Dame Coupler's without a moment's delay.

_Lory_. Then, sir, you are going straight about the fortune?

_Fash_. I am.--Away--fly, Lory!

_Lory_. The happiest day I ever saw. I'm upon the wing already. Now then I shall get my wages. [_Exeunt_.]

SCENE II.--_A Garden behind_ LOVELESS'S _Lodgings.

Enter_ LOVELESS _and_ SERVANT.

_Love_. Is my wife within?

_Ser_. No, sir, she has gone out this half-hour.

_Love_. Well, leave me.--[_Exit_ SERVANT.] How strangely does my mind run on this widow!--Never was my heart so suddenly seized on before. That my wife should pick out her, of all womankind, to be her playfellow! But what fate does, let fate answer for: I sought it not. So! by Heavens! here she comes.

_Enter_ BERINTHIA.

_Ber_. What makes you look so thoughtful, sir? I hope you are not ill.

_Love_. I was debating, madam, whether I was so or not, and that was it which made me look so thoughtful.

_Ber_. Is it then so hard a matter to decide? I thought all people were acquainted with their own bodies, though few people know their own minds.

_Love_. What if the distemper I suspect be in the mind?

_Ber_. Why then I'll undertake to prescribe you a cure.

_Love_. Alas! you undertake you know not what.

_Ber_. So far at least, then, you allow me to be a physician.

_Love_. Nay, I'll allow you to be so yet further: for I have reason to believe, should I put myself into your hands, you would increase my distemper.

_Ber_. How?

_Love_. Oh, you might betray me to my wife.

_Ber_. And so lose all my practice.

_Love_. Will you then keep my secret?

_Ber_. I will.

_Love_. Well--but swear it.

_Ber_. I swear by woman.

_Love_. Nay, that's swearing by my deity; swear by your own, and I shall believe you.

_Ber_. Well then, I swear by man!

_Love_. I'm satisfied. Now hear my symptoms, and give me your advice. The first were these; when I saw you at the play, a random glance you threw at first alarmed me. I could not turn my eyes from whence the danger came--I gazed upon you till my heart began to pant--nay, even now, on your approaching me, my illness is so increased that if you do not help me I shall, whilst you look on, consume to ashes. [_Takes her hand.]

_Ber_. O Lord, let me go! 'tis the plague, and we shall be infected. [_Breaking from him.]

_Love_. Then we'll die together, my charming angel.

_Ber_. O Gad! the devil's in you! Lord, let me go!--here's somebody coming.

_Re-enter_ SERVANT.

_Ser_. Sir, my lady's come home, and desires to speak with you.