A Spaniard in the Works Part 3

Y o u a l l k n o w m e

How many times have I warned you all about my telephone? Well it happened again! Once more I couldn't get through to my Aunty Besst, and yet again I nearly didn't get my famous column with a picture of me inset through those d.a.m.n blasted operators! YOU know how I hate those d.a.m.n blasted operators. You all know me. THIRTY TWO times I tried to get through with my famous column and thirty two times I was told to 'Gerroff the line yer borein' owld ga.s.sbag!' When I told a colleague or two, they couldn't not believe it, after all hadn't I been writing the same thing for sixty years? You all know me...

T h e w a y I s e e i t

How many moron of these incredible sleasy backward, bad, deaf mon- keys, parsing as entertainers, with thier FLOPTOPPED hair, falling about the place like Mary PICKFORD, do I have to put up with?

The way I see it, a good smell in the Army would cure them, get rid of a few more capitalist barskets (OOPS!). Not being able to stand capitalism, I fail to see why those awful common lads make all that money, in spite of me and the governrnent in a society such as ours where our talent will out.

I know I'm a bald old get with gla.s.ses (SEE PICTURE). Maybe I ought to be thankful, but I doubt it...

K o m s d e r r e v o l u t i o n

Caviare is collected for me with Hollywood. Do you rernember when I had dinner with that super spiffing showdog Mike 9 (Round the Wall in Eighty Days, the late) Toddy? Well he loved cavia.r.s.e/great pots of it/ and he a.s.sulmed derry boddy elf did and if they didn't, they should d.a.m.n it (OPPS!). You all know me, well I don't like it, and I find myself (somtimes) fighting a fierce and wonderfull verbal battle as to whether I should be forthed against my will to eat this costly delicasy from the Caspian Sea. Quite orften I lose, but thats Socialism. (You know me).

Mike (Round the Worst in A Tall Canoe, the late) Toddy would have liked me.

I suppose a lot of you have never had the chance of refusing this costly delicacy, believe me fans, you never will if we keep building all those bombs...

Until tomorrow friends when I (YOU ALL KNOW ME) will be back with the same picture, but a DIFFERENT QUOTE brothers.

Good Day, (The way I see it!)

THE NATIONAL HEALTH COW.

I strolled into a farmyard When no-one was about Treading past the troubles I raised my head to shout.

'Come out the Cow with gla.s.ses,'

I called and rolled my eye.

It ambled up toward me, I milked it with a sigh.

'You're just in time' the cow said, Its eyes were all aglaze, 'I'm feeling like an elephant, I aren't been milked for days.'

'Why is this? ' I asked it, Tugging at its throttles.

'I don't know why, perhaps it's 'cause MY milk comes out in bottles.'

'That's handy for the government,'

I thought, and in a tick The cow fell dead all sudden (I'd smashed it with a brick).

READERS LETTUCE.

Dear Sir,

IF Mr Mothb.a.l.l.s (Feb, 23 Sun'Taimes, page 8. col 4), thinks that the Hon gentleman (Norman Ccough). Well I'm here to tell him (Mr Mothb.a.l.l.s) that he has bitten off more than he can chew. How dearie imply that Mr Ccough is socially inpurdent? Was it not Ccough whom started off the worled wide organiseationses, which in turn brought imidiate response from the Western Alliance (T. U. R.). If Mr Smith- barbs sincerely imagines that Indonegro is really going to attack the Australian continent with the eyes of the worled upon them I can only asulme that he (Mr Smallburns) has taken leaf of his sentries! Has he forgetting Mr Ccough's graet speek at the Asembly of Natives? Is he also forbett- ing that hithertoe unpressydessy charter - the Blested Old Widows - which was carried through the House with a Majollity vote?

In future I hobe thet Mr Smellbarth will refrian frog makeing wild and dangeroo statemonths.

I remain still,

yours for the arsking,

Jennifa.r.s.e Cough (no relations).

P.S. CAN I HEVE A PHOTY OF WINDY STANDSTILL ?.

Editors Football.

Well maa'mm, the old Coblers think you're a very plucky christion. Wish there were a few more like yourself maa'mm!!!

SILLY NORMAN.

'I really don't know woot to mak of these,' said Norman, as he sorted through him Chrimbas posed. 'It seem woot I git mower litters und parskels than woot I know peoples, it supli- zeses moi moor et moor each yar, as moor on these pareskle keep cooming. I really doon't knaw whew all they body are - seddling ik all this.' He clab quitely too the fire, sheving a few mough ruddish awn. 'It's came tow a pretty pa.r.s.e when I don't evil knew where they cam frog.' Norman coop an stetty keel and promptly wed intow thee kitcheon tow put up thee kettle orn. 'I might as welsh mak me a cooper tea, I night as welp hev a chocolush birskit as well, wile I do noddy.' So saying so he marshed offer to that teapod and tap it to that sing: bud to he grey suffise - what! - bat noo warty. 'Goob heralds! what's all of thiz goinge awn? Doe mein ice desleeve me? Am I knot loofing at me owen sing-unice, and there be know warty?' He was quait raight, lo! the warty didn noo apear, trey as he may- be.

Off course we all know whey this warty do no coomb, be- courgh the tangs they are awl freezup, awl on they, awl they freezop. Norman dig knort know that, for Norman him a silly, man - yes - Norman is sorft. 'OH deally meat! oh woe isme, wart canada, ther are nay werters toe mick a caper tay, ange me'

moover she arther cooming ferty too. I shall heave two gough nextador, perhats they might hall hefty.' Sow Norman he gentry poots his had hand coat orn makeing sewer to wrave hisself op like he moomy tell him, broosh beyond the ears and out of that frant door he ghost. To him truly amasemaid, he fainds nought a houfe nought a hough inside! Wart on earth is heffering? - why - there iznot a hug tobeseen, not anyway fer miles aboot.

Goody Griff, which artery in HEFFER harold by thy norm!

is these not thet enid of the worm? Surely to goosestep I am nit that larst man on earn?' he fell suddy to the ground weefy and whaley erizeling tuber Lawn aboove to savfre him or judge spare a friend or to. 'I wilf give of awl my wordy posesions, awl me foren stabs, awl me cla.s.sicow rechords, awl me fave rave pidgeons of Humpty Littlesod thee great nothing. All these oh wondrouse Sailor up above, I offer ye if only yer will save me! '

Normans mather, who you remembrane, was a combing tooty, was shorked when she cam acroose him lyinge awn the floor thus crying, 'My dear NORMAN!' she screege, 'Wart in Griffs' nave are you doing, why are you carroling on this way? ' She wogged slightly over to her own son, with a woddied loof in her eye. 'Police don't garryon like this my son, tell Muddle werts the metre.' Norman raved himself slowly and sabbly locked at her. 'Carrot you see, mubber, Griff have end the worled. I only went to guess sam warty, and then it dibble wirk, so I went to go necktie to a nebough and I saw wit had happened - GRIFF had ended the worl. I saw nothing - every where there where no neybers. Oh Mather wet is happening?'

Normans nither take won loog at he with a disabeleafed spres- sion on her head. 'My Golf! Norman wit are yuo torking about turn? Donald you member thet there have been n.o.bodys liv- fing here ever? Rememble whensday first move in how you say - "Thank Heavy there are no peoplre about this place, I want to be aloef?" have you fergit all thistle?' Norman lucked op at he mam (stikl cryling) with teeth in his eye, saying - 'm.u.t.h.e.r, thou art the one, the power ov atterny, for heavan sakes amen.

Thank you dear mether, I had truly forgot. I am silly Nor- man! ' They booth link arbs and walk brightly to the house.

'Fancy me ferbetting that no-bottle lives roynd here mother!

Fantasie forgetting thet!' They each laff together as they head four the kitchen - and lo! - that warty runs again, the sun- beefs had done it, and they booth have tea, booth on them.

Which jub shaw yer - - 'However blackpool tower maybe, In time they'll ba.s.saway.

Have faith and trumpand BBC - Griffs' light make bright your day.'

AMEN (end mickaela dentist.)

MR BORIS MORRIS.

However Mr Boris Morris was morgan thankful for his narrow escape is largely put down to his happy knack of being in the right place at the right place. For stance, Boris was the one whom cornered Miss Pearl Staines at her impromtu but light- hearted garbage partly.

'Miss Staines' he had shouted 'how come you never invited yer sister to the do?'

'For the same reason I didn't invite you Mr Morris' she re- plight reaching for anoven helping.

Boris was no fudge, he quickly melted into the backcloth like an old cake, slighly taking candy shots of Miss Staines with her relatively.

'She won't invite me to the next do either' he remarked out loud with above average clarity.

Boris was elsie the man whom got the photies of the Dupe of Bedpan doing things at the anyearly j.a.p festival, much to the supper of the d.u.c.h.ess set. Thus then was Boris Morris a man of great reknown and familiarity, accepted at do's of the wealthy and the poor alike h.e.l.l. He was knew as the jew with a view, and he had. Not long after one of his more well known esca- pades, he was unfortunable to recieve a terrible blow to his ego. He was shot in the face at a Hunt Ball but n.o.body peaple found out till the end becaugh they all thought it was a clever mask.

'What a clever mask that man has on,' was heard once or twig.

It was not the end of Boris as you might well imargin, but even before his face set he was to easily recognizable at most places, with peaple pointing at him saying thing like 'What a good shot' and other. All this set Boris thinking, specially in the morning when he was shaving his scabs, as only he knew how.

'Must fix this blob of mine' he'd smile over a faceful of blot- ting paper.

'You certainly must dear' said his amiable old wife, 'what with me not getting any younger.'

BERNICE'S SHEEP.

This night I lable down to sleep With hefty heart arid much saddened With all the bubbles of the world Bratting my boulders Oh dear sheep

I slapter counting one be one Till I can cow nomore this day Till bethny hard aches leave we Elbing my ethbreeds Dear Griff's son