A Sketch Of What You Mean To Me Part 10

'Oh wow, that's really good.' Her face lit up and she giggled. But then a shadow wandered through her eyes.

'What does it say, I can't read.'

I told her and she followed my lips with her eyes as if she'd miraculously learn reading that way.

'Oh, cool, yes. What else does it say?'

And because I couldn't get enough of that little girl's giggle, I started telling her the story of her and the unicorn and the adventures they had in the magic forest. She clung to my words as if it was the most interesting story in the world and by then there were even a few other kids listening to me. When a dragon appeared in the story, a little boy shouted 'What does he look like? Can you draw him, too?'

I did try a few dragons at home, so I sketched one on a piece of paper from the drawing table.

'Awesome.' The boy yelled.

'Yes, can you make me one?' Another one said. 'Me, too.' Followed some other children.

'I'm not that fast. How about I come back again and will draw more things for you then and tell you more stories?'

'When?' One of the boys asked.

'In two days?'

'Okay. But promise.' Somebody else said.

I promised and from then, at least once a week, I drew a few pictures and then would embed them into a story for the kids. I became quite popular as the hospitals' story teller. Even some nurses or parents would drop by sometimes to look at the pictures or enjoy hearing the laughter of the children.

Chapter 14.

'Not so well.' I heard my mom say in a hushed voice. She was talking on the phone in another corner of my hospital room, thinking I was asleep.

'He should have entered remission two months ago. That's when his body should have stopped producing cancer cells.' There was a silence. I imagined how my mom was hunched over the small table in the corner, holding her tired face with her free hand. I knew she was worried about me now. So was I. I opened my eyes and boxed into the wall, quickly thereafter regretting it because my hand throbbed with pain and the picc line fell on top of me because I ripped on it too much. My mom rushed towards me.

'Are you okay?' She was still holding the phone in her hand.

'Yes.' I said through gritted teeth, trying to shake the pain off.

'I'll call you back.' My mom said into the phone. Then, she moved the chair closer to me and sat down.

'I told you, you shouldn't be so hopeful. You only get disappointed.' I broke the silence.

'It's normal that not everything goes according to plan. Now we're just not on wishful protocol anymore.' She said softly.

'But I'm tired.' I gasped out. 'My body is exhausted. All I can do is lie in my bed like a 90-year-old person.' One year ago I played volleyball with Fiona and my goal was to win her over. Then, this cancer made me push her away. I snorted. 'I hate this cancer. I should be making my first experiences with alcohol instead of having a picc line and I.V. in each arm, which by the way, makes it impossible to lie in any other position than that of a mummy. I should be working extra hours next to college, to save some money for traveling. I should be doing so many things except lying in this stupid hospital bed.'

'For the most part, I agree with you.' She sat up straighter.

'I don't want to keep fighting.' I said quietly. 'The chemo destroys more of me than it should. I'm fighting against my own body, so how could it in any way be possible for this to have a positive outcome?'

'There will be some remaining damages, once you got rid of the cancer but that's still better than not being here at all.' She said with an urgency in her eyes.

I swallowed. 'The doctors said that I could take a break from chemo for a while. Give myself a break.'

My mom nodded with an earnest face. 'But chances during that time are higher that the cancer cells start revolting again.'

'I know that but I can't feel this c.r.a.ppy any longer. This isn't a life anybody wants to endure.' I said with a raspy voice.

'I know.' My mom said defeated. 'So, let's take the doctors suggestion and once you feel stronger we start again.' She kissed my forehead and stroke over my stubbles on my head. Nevertheless, once she left the room, I felt like I had failed myself, my mom and everyone who believed in me. I pressed the pillow over my head and yelled into the mattress until I didn't have any air left.

Two weeks into my chemo break, I started feeling the first positive effects. I had more energy and even though the season got colder and therefore, the flu was lurking around every corner, on every door k.n.o.b and every faucet and I had trouble breathing the cold air outside, I had enough power to wear a face mask and take walks along the beach or take up my regular schedule to visit the kids at the hospital again and draw for them.

At Thanksgiving, I was strong enough that we could spend it at Eric's house. While the others enjoyed the feast, I managed to keep down a little taste of everything.

'Well, you seem to have gotten stronger since we visited you at the hospital last time.' Eric's mom looked at my empty plate. 'Do you want more?'

'I'm good, thanks.' I smiled. 'I had almost forgotten how good it was to actually enjoy food. Makes it even harder to believe that soon, I'll give this up again.' I frowned.

'He will start chemo again in 10 days.' My mom filled in.

'We are here for you.' His mom said. 'You can give us a ring anytime.'

'We appreciate that.' My mom smiled.

Later, Eric and I sat in the winter garden next to a heater, where it was nice and cozy.

'How is college?' I asked.

'Fun. But also a lot of work.'

'Do you go to parties?'

He shrugged. 'Sometimes. They get the same after a while.'

'But how are they?' I demanded to know.

'Crazy. People don't know how to behave themselves anymore.' Eric shook his head. 'It's almost embarra.s.sing actually.' Then he sighed. 'There's something I didn't want to tell you on the phone.'

I looked at him expectantly.

'Lea and I broke up.'

'Whaaat? You've been together that long. I was sure the next thing I'd receive from you is the invitation to your wedding.'

'That's the problem. We know each other so well that all the electricity is gone. We are more like friends than lovers. Something was missing and we both felt it.'

'You both agree with this?' I still couldn't believe it.

'Yes. We still talk to each other but I'm excited to be able to get to know new girls.'

'Maybe it's simply a phase you're going through and it will all work out again in a few weeks or months?' I let go of a breath.

'You seem to take this harder than me.' He laughed.

'You were my relationship role models. That love at a young age was possible. If even you say that it just turns to a friendship afterward. What's the point of it?'

'Even if it turns into a friendship, you still need to have some kind of spark in the relationship. Something that keeps it interesting. We share everything and yet there was no pa.s.sion about anything. It's fine, really.' He nodded a.s.suring. 'We broke up because we still believe that a longer lasting relationship with love is possible.'

I kept quiet.

'Whereas you, really just threw something amazing away. I still think that was the most stupid thing you did and I know quite a few stupid things you came up with during all those years we have known each other.'

'How nice of you.' I sighed. 'Have you heard from Fiona?' I then asked.

'Why should I?' He reached for his teacup.

'She must really hate me.' I said quietly.

'At least that would mean that she still has feelings for you.' He offered.

'Well, soon it's back to chemo again anyway and I will have a lot of sleepless nights to ponder about all of this some more.' It was impossible for my mind, not to think about Fiona. Even if I tried to distract myself, in the end, my thoughts would always go back to her.

Back on chemo, nothing had changed to the first phase of treatment. Every inch of my body hurt and more than once, the thought entered my head that it would be easier to just be dead.

'How does your chest feel today?' Doctor Mercurry asked me on his daily round.

'6.' I said to indicate the pain between one and 10. I had a port in my chest through which I could receive the medicine more quickly but it was very uncomfortable.

'Still not perfect but we are getting there. At least your bloodwork shows the right reaction to the treatment this time.'

I nodded pressing my lips together. 'But you can't guarantee whether I can spend Christmas at home.' I really hoped for my mom that I could do her that favor.

'Unfortunately, not. Your T cell count has to go up for that. But other than that, I'm happy with you, Kevin. We are on the right track.'

'That's good to hear.' I whispered, hoping that he was right. Our house would be too sad and empty with no one in it at Christmas time.

On December 20th my mom and I were invited into the doctor's office at the hospital once more.

'It must be good news this time if they want to see us both.' My mom said as we were walking along the sterile hallway, holding on tightly to the strap of her purse.

'Or that we need a change of plan because it's not working.' I responded.

But indeed, I received an early Christmas present.

'So, Kevin, I have two good news for you today.' Doctor Mercurry said and continued without a break. 'Firstly, you can spend Christmas at home and secondly, you finally entered remission.'

'Oh, that's wonderful news.' My mom clasped her hand into a praying position.

I let go of a long breath. 'That's a good start.' I smiled.

'Yes, you are right, it's a start. Your next steps are to begin with radiation to make sure that no cancer is hiding in your spinal or brain fluid. Next to that, you will have daily chemo which you can take at home and once monthly at the hospital through your port. Now, I'm pretty confident that in 2 years you will have fought this completely out of your system.'

'Two and a half years?' I puffed my cheeks.

'Yes. That's why I advise you to go home now and enjoy Christmas. Celebrate this first achievement.'

I nodded. 'Thank you.' We shook hands with him and left the office.

In the hallway my mom pulled me into a surprise hug and squeezed me until I didn't have any air left.

'Mom, you're choking me.' I breathed.

She held on a little longer and kissed the top of my head.

'I'm so happy.' She let me go.

'But there's still such a long stretch ahead of me and all this poison I'll have to take. Will there even be anything left of my old body and old self?'

'Yes! You will be alive!' She exclaimed.

'Alive with what kind of permanent damages?' I responded.

'Let's not worry about that for now.' She squeezed my shoulder. 'The important thing is, that you made it to the next stage. Even though it's hard at least we know it's working and the treatment is making you better. You have to see this as a good thing.'

My mom was so happy it was contagious. 'I do.' I smiled. 'So, let me get my stuff and let's go home. We can still decorate our house and get it ready in time for Christmas.'

Chapter 15.

On 24th December we invited Eric and his family for a deliciously home-cooked meal. Afterward, we played Monopoly until well after midnight. On Christmas day, I woke up late, still feeling as if I had hardly slept. My mum and I had a feudal brunch and afterward, we unwrapped the presents that were below the tree. I got a book with advice on comics drawing and for my mom, I had bought a tree ornament from a handicapped person at the hospital. It was a snowflake made of tiny sticks.

Then, I played a little with my dog Brownie. I had hardly got to see him lately. Unfortunately, he wasn't allowed at the hospital. They really should change the animal policy because I strongly believe that animals can have a healing effect on humans. Brownie surely did on me, for at home, it was him who would always wander into my room, waggling its tail as if to check up on me. When all I could do was lie still on my bed because everything hurt too much to move, he would simply rest his head on the brim of my bed and look at me with his big, dark brown eyes. I saw more understanding in these eyes than in any human face. I think, he understood how much pain I was in and wanted to ease some of it.

The rest of Christmas day, I could have spent reading Christmas cards. It was unbelievable how many we had received that year. So many people wished us strength and that I got better quickly. It touched me again how they all cared about me and still thought of me, even some people we hardly knew. But I felt pretty tired from all the Christmas excitement and therefore, I went to lie down for a while. I must have slept for several hours because it was already dark in my room when I opened my eyes again. I could make out a shape next to my bed. For a moment I thought that it was Brownie. But it wasn't Brownie, the shape was too tall. After rubbing the last bit of sleep out of my eyes I tried to put a face to this shape. Great, I probably had a fever again because I often fantasized about Fiona suddenly sitting by my hospital bed. Therefore, I turned my head to the ceiling to get a neutral vision and then I closed my eyes again. The next time I would open them, she would be gone. It always happened.

Except for this time, someone touched my hand. I kept my eyes closed and enjoyed the sensation of Fiona's soft hands, which knew so well how to caress my skin. So many times in the past seven months had I longed to touch her. Then, my curiosity got bigger and I looked at her anew. Her eyes gleamed in the dark and I could make out a crooked smile on her face as if she tried to hide with a smile that she much rather wanted to cry. I sat up and she let go of my hand. But she remained sitting there.

'How could you keep that from me?' Fiona spoke with a thin voice. 'I was shocked. I didn't know anything about this. I can't believe you didn't tell me.'

'h.e.l.lo to you, too.' I whispered, still not entirely believing that she was sitting here.