A Select Collection of Old English Plays Volume Xi Part 109

HAD. Thanks, good coz, the means shall not be great, only that I may first be clad in a generous outside, for that is the chief attraction that draws female affection. Good parts, without habiliments of gallantry, are no more set by in these times than a good leg in a woollen stocking. No, 'tis a glistering presence and audacity brings women into fool's felicity.

LIGHT. You've a good confidence, coz; but what do ye think your brave outside shall effect?

HAD. That being had, we'll to the usurer, where you shall offer some slight piece of land to mortgage, and if you do it to bring ourselves into cash, it shall be ne'er the farther from you, for here's a project will not be frustrate of this purpose.

LIGHT. That shall be shortly tried. I'll instantly go seek for a habit for thee, and that of the richest too; that which shall not be subject to the scoff of any gallant, though to the accomplishing thereof all my means go. Alas! what's a man unless he wear good clothes?

[_Exit_ LIGHTFOOT.

HAD. Good speed attend my suit! Here's a never-seen nephew kind in distress; this gives me more cause of admiration than the loss of thirty-five settings together at pa.s.sage. Ay, when 'tis performed--but words and deeds are now more different than puritans and players.

_Enter_ ATLAS.

ATLAS. Here's the player would speak with you.

HAD. About the jig I promised him. My pen and ink! I prythee, let him in, there may be some cash rhymed out of him.

_Enter_ PLAYER.

PLAYER. The Muses a.s.sist you, sir: what, at your study so early?

HAD. O, chiefly now, sir: for _Aurora Musis amica_.

PLAYER. Indeed, I understand not Latin, sir.

HAD. You must then pardon me, good Master Change-coat; for I protest unto you, it is so much my often converse that, if there be none but women in my company, yet cannot I forbear it.

PLAYER. That shows your more learning, sir; but, I pray you, is that small matter done I entreated for?

HAD. A small matter! you'll find it worth Meg of Westminster,[367]

although it be but a bare jig.

PLAYER. O Lord, sir, I would it had but half the taste of garlic.[368]

HAD. Garlic stinks to this; if it prove that you have not more wh.o.r.es than e'er garlic had, say I am a boaster of my own works, disgrace me on the open stage, and bob me off with ne'er a penny.

PLAYER. O Lord, sir, far be it from us to debar any worthy writer of his merit; but I pray you, sir, what is the t.i.tle you bestow upon it?

HAD. Marry, that which is full as forcible as garlic: the name of it is, _Who buys my four ropes of hard onions?_ by which four ropes is meant, four several kind of livers; by the onions, hangers-on--as at some convenient time I will more particularly inform you in so rare a hidden and obscure mystery.

PLAYER. I pray, let me see the beginning of it. I hope you have made no dark sentence in't; for, I'll a.s.sure you, our audience commonly are very simple, idle-headed[369] people, and if they should hear what they understand not, they would quite forsake our house.

HAD. O, ne'er fear it; for what I have writ is both witty to the wise, and pleasing to the ignorant: for you shall have those laugh at it far more heartily that understand it not, than those that do.

PLAYER. Methinks the end of this stave is a foot too long.

HAD. O no, sing it but in tune, and I dare warrant you.

PLAYER. Why, hear ye. [_He sings._ _And you that delight in trulls and minions, Come buy my four ropes of hard St Thomas's onions_.[370]

Look ye there, _St Thomas_ might very well have been left out; besides, _hard_ should have come next the _onions_.

HAD. Fie! no; the dismembering of a rhyme to bring in reason shows the more efficacy in the writer.

PLAYER. Well, as you please; I pray you, sir, what will the gratuity be?

I would content you as near hand as I could.

HAD. So I believe. [_Aside._] Why, Master Change-coat, I do not suppose we shall differ many pounds; pray, make your offer: if you give me too much, I will, most doctor-of-physic-like, restore.

PLAYER. You say well; look you, sir, there's a brace of angels, besides much drink of free-cost, if it be liked.

HAD. How, Master Change-coat! a brace of angels, besides much drink of free-cost, if it be liked! I fear you have learned it by heart; if you have powdered up my plot in your sconce, you may home, sir, and instruct your poet over a pot of ale the whole method on't. But if you do so juggle, look to't. Shrove-Tuesday[371] is at hand, and I have some acquaintance with bricklayers and plasterers.

PLAYER. Nay, I pray, sir, be not angry; for as I am a true stage-trotter, I mean honestly; and look ye, more for your love than otherwise, I give you a brace more.

HAD. Well, good words do much; I cannot now be angry with you, but see henceforward you do like him that would please a new-married wife, show your most at first, lest some other come between you and your desires; for I protest, had you not suddenly shown your good-nature, another should have had it, though it had been for nothing.

PLAYER. Troth, I'm sorry I gave you such cause of impatiency; but you shall see hereafter, if your invention take, I will not stand off for a brace more or less, desiring I may see your works before another.

HAD. Nay, before all others; and shortly expect a notable piece of matter, such a jig whose tune, with the natural whistle of a carman, shall be more ravishing to the ears of shopkeepers than a whole consort of barbers at midnight.

PLAYER. I am your man for't; I pray you, command all the kindness belongs to my function, as a box for your friend at a new play, although I procure the hate of all my company.

HAD. No, I'll pay for it rather; that may breed a mutiny in your whole house.

PLAYER. I care not, I ha' played a king's part any time these ten years; and if I cannot command such a matter, 'twere poor, faith.

HAD. Well, Master Change-coat, you shall now leave me, for I'll to my study; the morning hours are precious, and my Muse meditates most upon an empty stomach.

PLAYER. I pray, sir, when this new invention is produced, let me not be forgotten.

HAD. I'll sooner forget to be a jig-maker. [_Exit_ PLAYER.] So, here's four angels I little dreamt of. Nay, and there be money to be gotten by foolery, I hope fortune will not see me want. Atlas, Atlas!

_Enter_ ATLAS.

What, was my country coz here since?

ATLAS. Why, did he promise to come again, seeing how the case stood wi'

ye?

HAD. Yea, and to advance my downfallen fortunes, Atlas.

ATLAS. But ye are not sure he meant it ye, when he spake it.

HAD. No, nor is it in man to conjecture rightly the thought by the tongue.

ATLAS. Why, then, I'll believe it when I see it. If you had been in prosperity when he had promised you this kindness----

HAD. I had not needed it.