A Select Collection of Old English Plays Volume Ix Part 73

APP. True, but because they know a little thing drives me from them, therefore in midst of meat they present me with some sharp sauce or a dish of delicate anchovies, or a caviare,[215] to entice me back again.

Nay, more: your old sires, that hardly go without a prop, will walk a mile or two every day to renew their acquaintance with me. As for the academy, it is beholding to me for adding the eighth province unto the n.o.ble Heptarchy of the liberal sciences.[216]

MEN. What's that, I prythee?

APP. The most desired and honourable art of cookery. Now, sirrah, in the city I am------'st, 'st! O, the body of a louse!

MEN. What, art a louse in the city?

APP. Not a word more; for yonder comes Phantastes and somebody else.

MEN. What a pox can Phantastes do?

APP. Work a miracle, if he would prove wise.

MEN. 'Tis he indeed, the vilest nup.[217] Yet the fool loves me exceedingly; but I care not for his company, for if he once catch me, I shall never be rid of him.

[_Exeunt_ APPEt.i.tUS _and_ MENDACIO.

SCAENA SECUNDA.

PHANTASTES, _a swart-complexioned fellow, but quick-eyed, in a white satin doublet of one fashion, green velvet hose of another, a fantastical hat with a plume of feathers of several colours, a little short taffeta cloak, a pair of buskins cut, drawn out with sundry-coloured ribbands, with scarfs hung about him after all fashions and of all colours, rings, jewels, a fan, and in every place other odd complements_.[218] HEURESIS, _a nimble-sprited page in the newest fashion, with a garland of bays, &c_.

PHANTASTES, HEURESIS.

PHA. Sirrah boy! Heuresis! boy! how now, biting your nails?

HEU. Three things have troubled my brain this many a day, and just now, when I was laying hold on the invention of them, your sudden call made them, like Tantalus's apples, fly from my fingers.

PHA. Some great matters, questionless; what were they?

HEU. The quadrature of a circle, the philosopher's stone, and the next way to the Indies.

PHA. Thou dost well to meditate on these three things at once, for they'll be found out altogether--_ad Graecas Calendas_; but let them pa.s.s, and carry the conceit I told you this morning to the party you wot of. In my imagination 'tis capricious; 'twill take, I warrant thee.

HEU. I will, sir. But what say you to the gentleman that was with you yesterday?

PHA. O, I think thou meanest him that made nineteen sonnets of his mistress's busk-point.[219]

HEU. The same, the same, sir. You promised to help him out with the twentieth.

PHA. By Jupiter's cloven pate, 'tis true. But we witty fellows are so forgetful; but stay, Heu, Heu,[220] carry him this.

_The Gordian knot, which Alexander great Did whilom, cut with his all-conquering sword, Was nothing like thy busk-point, pretty peat,[221]

Nor could so fair an augury afford_.

Then to conclude, let him pervert Catullas's _Zonam solvit diu ligatum_ thus, thus--

_Which if I chance to cut, or else untie, Thy little world I'll conquer presently_.

'Tis pretty, pretty, tell him 'twas extemporal.

HEU. Well, sir, but now for Master Inamorato's love-letter.

PHA. Some nettling stuff, i'faith; let him write thus: _Most heart-commanding-faced gentlewoman, even as the stone in India, called Basaliscus, hurts all that looks on it, and as the serpent in Arabia, called Smaragdus, delighteth the sight, so does thy celestial orb-a.s.similating eyes both please, and in pleasing wound my love-darted heart_.

HEU. But what trick shall I invent for the conclusion?

PHA. Pish, anything, love will minister ink for the rest. He that [hath]

once begun well, hath half done; let him begin again, and there's all.

HEU. Master Gullio spoke for a new fashion; what for him?

PHA. A fashion for his suit! Let him b.u.t.ton it down the sleeve with four elbows, and so make it the pure hieroglyphic of a fool.

HEU. Nay, then let me request one thing of you.

PHA. What's that, boy? By this fair hand, thou shalt have it.

HEU. Mistress Superbia, a gentlewoman of my acquaintance, wished me to devise her a new set for her ruff and an odd tire. I pray, sir, help me out with it.

PHA. Ah, boy, in my conceit 'tis a hard matter to perform. These women have well-nigh tired me with devising tires for them, and set me at a nonplus for new sets. Their heads are so light, and their eyes so coy, that I know not how to please them.

HEU. I pray, sir, she hath a bad face, and fain would have suitors.

Fantastical and odd apparel would perchance draw somebody to look on her.

PHA. If her face be nought, in my opinion, the more view it the worse.

Bid her wear the mult.i.tude of her deformities under a mask, till my leisure will serve to devise some durable and unstained blush of painting.

HEU. Very good, sir.

PHA. Away, then, hie thee again; meet me at the court within this hour at the farthest. [_Exit_ HEURESIS.] O heavens! how have I been troubled these latter times with women, fools, babes, tailors, poets, swaggerers, gulls, ballad-makers! They have almost disrobed me of all the toys and trifles I can devise. Were it not that I pity the mult.i.tude of printers, these sonnet-mongers should starve for conceits for all Phantastes. But these puling lovers--I cannot but laugh at them, and their encomiums of their mistresses. They make, forsooth, her hair of gold, her eyes of diamond, her cheeks of roses, her lips of rubies, her teeth of pearl, and her whole body of ivory; and when they have thus idoled her like Pygmalion, they fall down and worship her.[222] Psyche, thou hast laid a hard task upon my shoulders to invent at every one's ask. Were it not that I refresh my dulness once a day with thy most angelical presence, 'twere impossible for me to undergo it.

SCAENA TERTIA.

COMMUNIS SENSUS, _a grave man, in a black velvet ca.s.sock like a councillor, speaks coming out of the door_.

COMMUNIS SENSUS, PHANTASTES.

COM. SEN. I cannot stay, I tell you. 'Tis more than time I were at court. I know my sovereign Psyche hath expected me this hour.

PHA. In good time; yonder comes Common Sense. I imagine it should be he by his voice.