A Select Collection of Old English Plays Part 71

[_They descend._

LADIES. Above expectance. Singular in all, But best in your conclusion.

FRI. You did well In your proportioning of our alimony, Moulded to th' moiety of their estates Whom we have justly left; but we had less Allotted us in more authentic courts.

PAL. That was not in our verge to regulate.

CAV. Nor skills it much; we have a competence Aspiring to exceedings; and in this More bless'd, because exempted from those bonds, Which our long servitude enchain'd us to.

FLO. Of consuls, then, which t.i.tle we usurp'd To cheer your fancies, we shall now become Your servants, confidants, or favourites, Or how you please to style us. We are all Affianc'd yours: firm as the solid rock In your reserved councils, and what may Hold correspondence with your interests, But soft and malleable as liquid amber In its resolving temper, when delight Shall sport it in your bosom, and admit A sociable dalliance.

FRI. Your free discourse, Grounded on former proofs of constancy, Has so endear'd me, I am wholly yours.

CAV. Madam, we mean not you shall have it so: You've broke the ice, and we will trace your steps.

Former experience has engaged me To fix on my Caranto.

JUL. Palisado shall Enjoy my love.

JOC. I for my Salibrand.

MED. Morisco mine.

TIN. Tinder shall Tilly's be.

TIL. Pure tender Tinder of affection, The new-blown bloom, that craves a native warmth To cherish its young growth, shall not receive More solace from those orient rays which shine On its fresh-springing beauty, than your choice Shall in my dear embraces.

TIN. I shall try you.

1ST BOY. Thus walks the poor gentlemen's revenues to raise these doxies' alimony: and thus runs their alimony to feed these youngsters' riot.

[_Aside._

PLA. Our joy's completed. Seal this joint conveyance With those ambrosiac signets of your lips.

[_They kiss._

"One house did hold, one house shall hold us twain; Once did we kiss, and we will kiss again."

2D BOY. How turtle-like they couple!

[_Aside._

SCENE VI.

_Upon these Platonics' private parlance, dalliance, and embraces of the Ladies, Enter_ SIR AMADIN PUNY, SIR JASPER SIMPLETON, SIR ARTHUR HEARTLESS, SIR GREGORY SHAPELESS, SIR TRISTRAM SHORTTOOL, SIR REUBEN SCATTERGOOD, _in a melancholy, discontented mood, with their hats over their eyes_.

SIR AMA. Is this th' platonic law, all things in common?

SIR JAS. Must all forego their wives that are not wise?

SIR ART. Or be divorc'd, because we dare not fight?

SIR GRE. Or lose our mates, because we are not handsome?

SIR TRIS. Nay, 'cause we are not arm'd so well as others be, Forfeit our consort and our fortunes too?

SIR REU. Yes, that's the plague on't. Lose a light-heeled trull-- That in my judgment's nothing; but to lose all Or moiety of that all, or any part at all For a poor nifling[132] toy that's worse than nothing, 'Tis this that nettleth me! I must confess Tinder, that light-skirt, with impetuous heat Sometimes pursu'd me, till that quenchless fire Burst into flames of boundless jealousy, Which cross'd mine humour; for variety Relish'd my palate. Phoenix' brains be rare; But if our dishes had no other fare, They would offend the stomach, and so sate it, As grosser meats would give a better taste: Such was my surfeit to a marriage-bed; My fortunes I prefer before her beauty, Or what may most content the appet.i.te.

Money will purchase wenches; but this want-- This roguish thing called want--makes wanton thoughts Look much unlike themselves: 'tis this white metal Enliveneth spirits, knits our arteries Firm as Alcides. He that binds himself Apprentice to his wife merely for love, May he, pen-feathered widgeon, forfeit's freedom, With whatsoe'er is dearest to the vogue Of his affections. She were a rare piece That could engage me, or oblige me hers With all those ceremonial rites which Flamens use To Hymen's honour. Beauty, still say I, Will breed a surfeit, be it ne'er so choice Nor eye-attractive. I should choose a grave Before one mistress all mine interest have.

O my alimony, alimony! this is the goad that only p.r.i.c.kles me.

PLA. Those be your husbands, ladies;--how pitifully they look?

LADIES. Alas, poor cuckolds!

KNIGHTS. Ladies, we were sometimes your husbands.

[_These Platonics discover the Knights, and scornfully eye them._

LADIES. True, You were so: but your known defects have raz'd That style of wedlock, and enfranchis'd us From that tyrannic yoke. We're now our own; Nor shall our beds by you be henceforth known.

SIR AMA. What have I done?

FRI. Nothing, Sir Amadin.

And that's sufficient to divide us two.

Your puny years must grow in strength and sinews To prove you man, before you can partake In my enjoyments; the court has so decreed, And by resentment of that injury Your blooming youth, unripened for delight, Has done to me, your hapless virgin bride, Held fit to number me amongst these ladies, All different sufferers; and for supportance (As everything, you know, would gladly live) Allots us alimony.

FLO. So his score is paid.

[_Aside._

SIR JAS. Madam, look on Sir Jasper.

CAV. Honest simpleton, And so I will, just as the fowler is wont On a catch'd dottrel; till your wasted brain Rise to more growth, I from my widow'd bed Will rise untouch'd: these b.r.e.a.s.t.s shall never give Their nursing teats unto a brood of fools.

CAR. So, good Sir Jasper, you've your doom in folio.[133]

[_Aside._

SIR ART. Receive me, dear Julippe.

JUL. For what end?

Have you stol'n from your colours? O, I hate A coward worser than a maidenhead Basely bestow'd. These Paphlagonian birds-- These heartless partridges--shall never nestle Under my feathers. Till your spirit revive, And look like man, disclaim your interest And injur'd t.i.tle in Julippe.

PAL. So; He must first learn to fight, ere she to love.

[_Aside._