A Select Collection of Old English Plays Volume Ix Part 14

MRS ART. Here, Master Justice, this to your grave years, A mournful draught, G.o.d wot: half-wine, half-tears. [_Aside_.

JUS. Let come, my wench; here, youngsters, to you all!

You are silent: here's that will make you talk.

Wenches, methink you sit like puritans: Never a jest abroad to make them laugh?

FUL. Sir, since you move speech of a puritan, If you will give me audience, I will tell ye As good a jest as ever you did hear.

O. ART. A jest? that's excellent!

JUS. Beforehand, let's prepare ourselves to laugh; A jest is nothing, if it be not grac'd.

Now, now, I pray you, when begins this jest?

FUL. I came unto a puritan, to woo her, And roughly did salute her with a kiss: Away! quoth she, and rudely push'd me from her; Brother, by yea and nay, I like not this: And still with amorous talk she was saluted, My artless speech with Scripture was confuted.

O. LUS. Good, good, indeed; the best that e'er I heard.

O. ART. I promise you, it was exceeding good.

FUL. Oft I frequented her abode by night, And courted her, and spake her wond'rous fair; But ever somewhat did offend her sight, Either my double ruff or my long hair; My scarf was vain, my garments hung too low, My Spanish shoe was cut too broad at toe.

ALL. Ha, ha! the best that ever I heard!

FUL. I parted for that time, and came again, Seeming to be conform'd in look and speech; My shoes were sharp-toed, and my band was plain, Close to my thigh my metamorphos'd breech; My cloak was narrow-cap'd, my hair cut shorter; Off went my scarf, thus march'd I to the porter.

ALL. Ha, ha! was ever heard the like?

FUL. The porter, spying me, did lead me in, Where his fair mistress sat reading of a chapter; Peace to this house, quoth I, and those within, Which holy speech with admiration wrapp'd her; And ever as I spake, and came her nigh, Seeming divine, turn'd up the white of eye.

JUS. So, so, what then?

O. LUS. Forward, I pray, forward, sir.

FUL. I spake divinely, and I call'd her sister, And by this means we were acquainted well: By yea and nay, I will, quoth I, and kiss'd her.

She blush'd, and said, that long-tongu'd men would tell; I swore[18] to be as secret as the night, And said, on sooth, I would put out the light.

O. ART. In sooth he would! a pa.s.sing-pa.s.sing jest.

FUL. O, do not swear, quoth she, yet put it out, Because I would not have you break your oath.

I felt a bed there, as I grop'd about; In troth, quoth I, here will we rest us both.

Swear you, in troth, quoth she? had you not sworn, I had not done't, but took it in full scorn: Then you will come, quoth I? though I be loth, I'll come, quoth she, be't but to keep your oath.

JUS. 'Tis very pretty; but now, when's the jest?

O. ART. O, forward, to the jest in any case.

O. LUS. I would not, for an angel, lose the jest.

FUL. Here's right the dunghill c.o.c.k that finds a pearl.

To talk of wit to these, is as a man Should cast out jewels to a herd of swine--[_aside_.]

Why, in the last words did consist the jest.

O. LUS. Ay, in the last words? ha, ha, ha!

It was an excellent admired jest-- To them that understood it.

_Enter_ YOUNG MASTER ARTHUR, _with two cups of wine_.

JUS. It was, indeed; I must, for fashion's sake, Say as they say; but otherwise, O, G.o.d! [_Aside_.

Good Master Arthur, thanks for our good cheer.

Y. ART. Gentlemen, welcome all; now hear me speak-- One special cause that mov'd me lead you hither, Is for an ancient grudge that hath long since Continued 'twixt my modest wife and me: The wrongs that I have done her I recant.

In either hand I hold a sev'ral cup, This in the right hand, wife, I drink to thee, This in the left hand, pledge me in this draught, Burying all former hatred; so, have to thee. [_He drinks_.

MRS ART. The welcom'st pledge that yet I ever took: Were this wine poison, or did taste like gall, The honey-sweet condition of your draught Would make it drink like nectar: I will pledge you, Were it the last that I should ever drink.

Y. ART. Make that account: thus, gentlemen, you see Our late discord brought to a unity.

AMIN. _Ecce, quam bonum et quam jucundum Est habitare fratres in unum_.

O. ART. My heart doth taste the sweetness of your pledge, And I am glad to see this sweet accord.

O. LUS. Glad, quotha? there's not one among'st us, But may be exceeding glad.

JUS. I am, ay, marry, am I, that I am.

Y. LUS. The best accord that could betide their loves.

ANS. The worst accord that could betide my love.

[_All about to rise_.

AMIN: What, rising, gentles? keep your place, I will close up your stomachs with a grace; _O Domine et care Pater_, That giv'st us wine instead of water; And from the pond and river clear Mak'st nappy ale and good March beer; That send'st us sundry sorts of meat, And everything we drink or eat; To maids, to wives, to boys, to men, _Laus Deo Sancto_, Amen.

Y. ART. So, much good do ye all, and, gentlemen, Accept your welcomes better than your cheer.

O. LUS. Nay, so we do, I'll give you thanks for all.

Come, Master Justice, you do walk our way, And Master Arthur, and old Hugh your man; We'll be the first [that] will strain courtesy.

JUS. G.o.d be with you all!

[_Exeunt_ O. ART., O. LUS., _and_ JUS. REASON.

AMIN. _Proximus ego sum_, I'll be the next, And man you home; how say you, lady?

Y. ART. I pray you do, good Sir Aminadab.

MRS MA. Sir, if it be not too much trouble to you, Let me entreat that kindness at your hands.

AMIN. Entreat! fie! no, sweet la.s.s, command; _Sic_, so, _nunc_, now, take the upper hand.