A Select Collection of Old English Plays Volume Ix Part 8

_Enter_ MISTRESS MARY, MISTRESS SPLAY, _and_ BRABO.

MRS MA. I prythee, tell me, Brabo, what planet, think'st thou, governed at my conception, that I live thus openly to the world?

BRA. Two planets reign'd at once; Venus, that's you, And Mars, that's I, were in conjunction.

MRS SPLAY. Prythee, prythee, in faith, that conjunction copulative is that part of speech that I live by.

BRA. Ha, ha! to see the world! we swaggerers, That live by oaths and big-mouth'd menaces, Are now reputed for the tallest men: He that hath now a black moustachio, Reaching from ear to ear, or turning up, _Puncto reverso_, bristling towards the eye; He that can hang two handsome tools at his side, Go in disguis'd attire, wear iron enough, Is held a tall man and a soldier.

He that with greatest grace can swear Gog's-zounds, Or in a tavern make a drunken fray, Can cheat at dice, swagger in bawdy-houses, Wear velvet on his face, and with a grace Can face it out with,--As I am a soldier!

He that can clap his sword upon the board, He's a brave man--and such a man am I.

MRS MA. She that with kisses can both kill and cure, That lives by love, that swears by nothing else But by a kiss, which is no common oath; That lives by lying, and yet oft tells truth; That takes most pleasure when she takes most pains; She's a good wench, my boy, and so am I.

MRS SPLAY. She that is past it, and prays for them that may--

BRA. Is an old bawd, as you are, Mistress Splay.

MRS SPLAY. O, do not name that name; do you not know, That I could ne'er endure to hear that name?

But, if your man would leave us, I would read The lesson that last night I promis'd you.

MRS MA. I prythee, leave us, we would be alone.

BRA. And will, and must: if you bid me begone, I will withdraw, and draw on any he, That in the world's wide round dare cope with me.

Mistress, farewell! to none I never speak So kind a word. My salutations are, Farewell, and be hang'd! or, in the devil's name!

What they have been, my many frays can tell; You cannot fight; therefore to you, farewell!

[Exit.

MRS MA. O, this same swaggerer is The bulwark of my reputation; but, Mistress Splay, now to your lecture that you promised me.

MRS SPLAY. Daughter, attend, for I will tell thee now What, in my young days, I myself have tried; Be rul'd by me, and I will make thee rich.

You, G.o.d be prais'd, are fair, and, as they say, Full of good parts; you have been often tried To be a woman of good carriage, Which, in my mind, is very commendable.

MRS MA. It is indeed; forward, good Mother Splay.

MRS SPLAY. And, as I told you, being fair, I wish, Sweet daughter, you were as fortunate.

When any suitor comes to ask thy love, Look not into his words, but into his sleeve; If thou canst learn what language his purse speaks, Be ruled by that; that's golden eloquence.

Money can make a slavering tongue speak plain.

If he that loves thee be deform'd and rich, Accept his love: gold hides deformity.

Gold can make limping Vulcan walk upright; Make squint eyes straight, a crabbed face look smooth, Gilds copper noses, makes them look like gold; Fills age's wrinkles up, and makes a face, As old as Nestor's, look as young as Cupid's.

If thou wilt arm thyself against all shifts, Regard all men according to their gifts.

This if thou practise, thou, when I am dead.

Wilt say: Old Mother Splay, soft lie[14] thy head.

_Enter_ YOUNG MASTER ARTHUR.

MRS MA. Soft, who comes here? begone, good Mistress Splay; Of thy rule's practice this is my first day.

MRS SPLAY. G.o.d, for thy pa.s.sion, what a beast am I To scare the bird, that to the net would fly!

[_Exit_.

Y. ART. By your leave, mistress.

MRS MA. What to do, master?

Y. ART. To give me leave to love you.

MRS MA. I had rather afford you some love to leave me.

Y. ART. I would you would as soon love me, as I could leave you.

MRS MA. I pray you, what are you, sir?

Y. ART. A man, I'll a.s.sure you.

MRS MA. How should I know that?

Y. ART. Try me, by my word, for I say I am a man; Or by my deed I'll prove myself a man.

MRS MA. Are you not Master Arthur?

Y. ART. Not Master Arthur, but Arthur, and your servant, sweet Mistress Mary.

MRS MA. Not Mistress Mary, but Mary, and your handmaid, sweet Master Arthur.

Y. ART. That I love you, let my face tell you; that I love you more than ordinarily, let this kiss testify; and that I love you fervently and entirely, ask this gift, and see what it will answer you, myself, my purse, and all, being wholly at your service.

MRS MA. That I take your love in good part, my thanks shall speak for me; that I am pleased with your kiss, this interest of another shall certify you; and that I accept your gift, my prostrate service and myself shall witness with me. My love, my lips, and sweet self, are at your service: wilt please you to come near, sir?

Y. ART. O, that my wife were dead! here would I make My second choice: would she were buried!

From out her grave this marrigold should grow, Which, in my nuptials, I would wear with pride.

Die shall she, I have doom'd her destiny. [_Aside_.]

MRS MA. 'Tis news, Master Arthur, to see you in such a place: How doth your wife?

Y. ART. Faith, Mistress Mary, at the point of death, And long she cannot live; she shall not live To trouble me in this my second choice.

_Enter_ AMINADAB _with a bill and headpiece_.

MRS MA. I pray forbear, sir, for here comes my love: Good sir, for this time leave me; by this kiss You cannot ask the question at my hands I will deny you: pray you, get you gone.

Y. ART. Farewell, sweet Mistress Mary! [_Exit_.

MRS MA. Sweet, adieu!

AMIN. Stand to me, bill! and, headpiece, sit thou close!

I hear my love, my wench, my duck, my dear, Is sought by many suitors; but with this I'll keep the door, and enter he that dare!

Virga, be gone, thy twigs I'll turn to steel; These fingers, that were expert in the jerk; Instead of lashing of the trembling _podex_, Must learn pash and knock, and beat and mall, Cleave pates and _caputs_; he that enters here, Comes on to his death! _mors mortis_ he shall taste.

[_He hides himself_.