A Select Collection of Old English Plays Volume Vi Part 49

SIMONY.

Then, this man is answered. Sir Peter Pleaseman, come in with me, And I'll prefer you straightway to my lady.

PETER.

O sir, I thank ye.

[_Exeunt_.

_Enter_ SIMPLICITY, _with a basket on his arm_.

SIMPLICITY.

You think I am going to market to buy roast meat, do ye not?

I thought so; but you are deceived, for I wot what I wot.

I am neither going to the butcher's to buy veal, mutton, or beef, But I am going to a bloodsucker; and who is it? faith, Usury, that thief.

Why, sirs, 'twas no marcle[188] he undid my father, that was called Plain-Dealing, When he has undone my lady and Conscience too with his usuring.

I'll tell ye, sirs, trust him not, for he'll flatter bonfacion[189]

and sore, Till he has gotten the baker vantage; then he'll turn you out of door.

_Enter_ DISSIMULATION.

DISSIMULATION.

Simplicity, now of my honesty, very heartily well-met.

SIMPLICITY.

What, Semblation, swear not; for thou swearest by that thou couldst not get.

Thou have honesty now? thy honesty is quite gone: Marry, thou hadst honesty at eleven of the clock, and went from you at noon.

Why, how canst thou have honesty, when it dare not come nigh thee?

I warrant, Semblation, he that has less honesty than thou may defy thee.

Thou hast honesty, sir reverence! come out, dog, where art thou?

Even as much[190] honesty as had my mother's great hoggish sow.

No, faith, thou must put out my eye with honesty, and thou hadst it here: Hast not left it at the alehouse in gage for a pot of strong beer?

DISSIMULATION.

Pray thee, leave prating, Simplicity, and tell me what thou hast there.

SIMPLICITY.

Why, 'tis nothing for thee: thou dost not deal with such kind of ware.

Sirrah, there is no deceit in a bag-pudding, is there? nor in a plain pudding-pie?

But there is deceit, and knavery too, in thy fellow that is called Usury.[191]

Sirrah, I'll tell thee; I won[192] not tell thee; and yet I'll tell thee, now I 'member me, too.

Canst tell, or wouldst know whither with this parliament I go?[193]

Faith, even to Suck-Swill, thy fellow Usury, I am sent With my Lady Love's gown, and Lady Conscience' too, for a quarter's rent.

DISSIMULATION.

Alas! poor Lady Love, art thou driven so low?

Some little pittance on thee I'll bestow.

Hold, Simplicity: carry her three or four ducats from me, And commend me to her even very heartily.

SIMPLICITY.

Duck-eggs? yes, I'll carry 'em, and 'twere as many as this would hold.

DISSIMULATION.

Tush! thou knowest not what I mean: take this, 'tis gold.

SIMPLICITY.

Ma.s.s, 'tis gold indeed: why, wilt thou send away thy gold? hast no more need?

I think thou art grown plaguy rich with thy dissembling trade.

But I'll carry my lady the gold, for this will make her well apaid.

DISSIMULATION.

And, sirrah, carry Lady Love's gown back again; for my fellow Usury Shall not have her gown: I am sure so much he will befriend me.

SIMPLICITY.

But what shall Conscience' gown do? shall I carry it back again too?

DISSIMULATION.

Nay, let Conscience' gown and skin to Usury go.

If n.o.body cared for Conscience more than I, They would hang her up like bacon in a chimney to dry.

SIMPLICITY.

Faith, I told thee thou caredst not for Conscience nor honesty: I think, indeed, it will never be the death of thee.

But I'll go conspatch my errand so soon as I can, I tell ye, For now I ha' gold, I would fain have some good meat in my belly.

[_Exit_.

DISSIMULATION.

Nay, I'll hie me after, that I may send back Lady Love's gown, For I would not have Love bought quite out of town.

Marry, for Conscience, tut, I care not two straws: Why I should take care for her, I know no kind of cause.

[_Exit_.

_Enter_ HOSPITALITY.

HOSPITALITY.

O, what shall I say? Usury hath undone me, and now he hates me to the death, And seeks by all means possible for to bereave me of breath.

I cannot rest in any place, but he hunts and follows me everywhere, That I know no place to abide, I live so much in fear.

But, out alas! here comes he that will shorten my days.

_Enter_ USURY.

USURY.

O, have I caught your old grey beard? you be the man whom the people so praise: You are a frank gentleman, and full of liberality.

Why, who had all the praise in London or England, but Master Hospitality?

But I'll master you now, I'll hold you a groat.

HOSPITALITY.

What, will you kill me?

USURY.

No; I'll do nothing but cut thy throat.

HOSPITALITY.