A Select Collection of Old English Plays Volume Ii Part 53

Now by experience true I do find, Which oftentimes unto me heretofore My father did say, declaring his mind, That in matrimony was pain evermore; What shall I do, most pitiful creature?

Just cause I have, alas, to lament: That frantic woman my death will procure, If so be this day without gain be spent: For unless for my wood some money be taken, Like a dog with a cudgel I shall be beaten!

Ho, thou good fellow, which standest so nigh, Of these heavy bundles ease my sore back, And somewhat therefore give me by and by, Or else I die, for silver I do lack.

Now that I have some money received For this my burthen, home I will go, And lest that my wife be discontented, What I have take, I will her show.

Wife, I am come: I went a long way, And here is the profit and gains of this day!

WIFE. Why, thou lout, thou fool, thou wh.o.r.eson folt,[359]

Is this thy wood money, thou peevish[360] dolt?

Thou shalt smart for this gear, I make G.o.d a vow!

Thou knowest no more to sell wood than doth the sow!

HUSBAND. By G.o.d's precious, I will not unwisely suffer To do as I have done any longer.

WIFE. Why, dost thou rise against me, villain?

Take heed I scratch not out thy eyes twain!

HUSBAND. Scratch, and thou dare, for I have a knife: Perchance I will rid thee of thy life!

WIFE. Slay me with thy knife, thou s.h.i.tten dastard!

Dost thou think to find me such a dissard?

By c.o.c.k's bones, I will make thy skin to rattle, And the brains in thy skull more deeply to settle.

[_Here the Wife must lay on load upon her Husband_.

HUSBAND. Good wife, be content! forgive me this fault!

I will never again do that which is naught.

WIFE. Go to, foolish calf, go to, and uprise, And put up thy knife, I thee advise.

HUSBAND. I will do your commandments whatsoever.

WIFE. Hence away, then, and fill this with water.

HUSBAND. O merciful G.o.d, in what lamentable state Is he, of whom the wife is the master?

Would G.o.d I had been predestinate On my marriage day to have died with a fever!

O wretched creature, what may I do?

My grievous wife shall I return unto?

Lo, wife, behold! without further delay The water ye sent for here I do bring.

WIFE. What, I say? what meaneth this weeping?

What aileth thee to make all this crying?

HUSBAND. I weep not, forsooth, nor cry not as yet.

WIFE. No, nor thou wilt not, if thou hast any wit; It is not thy weeping that can ought avail, And therefore this matter no longer bewail.

Come off, I say, and run by the river, And wash these clothes in the water.

HUSBAND. Wife, I will thither hie me fast.

WIFE. Yet I advise thee, thou cullon,[361] make haste.

HUSBAND. O, how unhappy and eke unfortunate Is the most part of married men's condition!

I would to death I had been agate,[362]

When my mother in bearing me made lamentation.

What shall I do? whither shall I turn?

Most careful man now under the sky!

In the flaming fire I had rather burn, Than with extreme pain live so heavily.

There is no shift; to my wife I must go, Whom that I did wed; I am full wo!

Where are ye, wife? your clothes are washed clean, As white as a lily,[363] without spot or stain.

WIFE. Thou thief, thou caitiff, why is not this lace Washed as fair as all the rest?

Thou shalt for this gear now smoke apace!

By Jis,[364] I swear, thou brutish beast!

[_Here she must knock her Husband_.

HUSBAND. Alas, alas! I am almost quite dead!

My wife so pitifully hath broken my head!

[_Here her Husband must lie along on the ground, as though he were sore beaten and wounded_.

WIFE. Well, I perceive the time will away, And into the country to go I have promised; Look therefore thou go not from hence to-day, Till home again I am returned.

Take heed, I say, this house thee retain, And stir not for any thing out of my door, Until that I come hither again, As thou wilt be rewarded therefore.

[_Here his Wife goeth out, and the Husband tarrieth behind alone_.

HUSBAND. The flying fiend[365] go with my wife, And in her journey ill may she speed!

I pray G.o.d Almighty to shorten her life!

The earth at no time doth bear such a weed!

Although that I be a gentleman born, And come by my ancetors of a good blood, Yet am I like to wear a coat torn, And hither and thither go carry wood!

But rather than I this life will abide, To-morrow morning I do intend Home to my father again to ride, If some man to me his horse will lend.

She is to her gossips gone to make merry, And there she will be for three or four days: She cares not, though I do now miscarry, And suffer such pain and sorrow always.

She leaveth to me neither bread nor drink, But such, as I judge, no body would eat: I might by the walls lie dead and stink, For any great wholesomeness in my meat.

She walketh abroad, and taketh her pleasure: Herself to cherish is all her care: She pa.s.seth not what grief I endure, Or how I can live with noughty[366] fare: And since it is so, without further delay To my father to-morrow I will away.

[_Here he goeth out, and in cometh the Devil_.[367]

SATAN THE DEVIL.

Ho, ho, ho, what a fellow am I!

Give room, I say, both more and less: My strength and power, hence to the sky, No earthly tongue can well express!

O, what inventions, crafts and wiles Is there contained within this head!

I know that he is within few miles, Which of the same is throughly sped.

O, it was all my study day and night Cunningly to bring this matter to pa.s.s: In all the earth there is no wight, But I can make to cry alas.

This man and wife, that not long ago Fell in this place together by the ears: It was only I that this strife did sow, And have been about it certain years.

For after that I had taken a smell Of their good will and fervent love, Me-thought I should not tarry in h.e.l.l, But unto debate them shortly move: O, it was I that made him to despise All wisdom, goodness, virtue, and learning, That he afterward could in no wise Once in his heart fancy teaching: O, it was I that made him refuse The wholesome monition of his father dear, And caused him still of a wife to muse, As though she should be his joy and cheer!

O, it was I that made him go hence, And suppose that his father was very unkind; It was I that did drive him to such expense, And made him as bare as an ape is behind.

And now that I have this business ended, And joined him and his wife together, I think that I have my part well played: None of you all would do it better.

Ho, ho, ho! this well-favoured head of mine, What thing soever it hath in hand, Is never troubled with ale or wine, Neither by sea, nor yet by land.

I tell you I am a marvellous body, As any is at this day living: My head doth devise each thing so trimly, That all men may wonder of the ending.

O, I have such fetches,[368] such toys in this head, Such crafty devices and subtle train, That whomsoever of you I do wed, Ye are like at my hands to take small gain.