A Select Collection of Old English Plays Volume I Part 73

THERSITES.

Now would I not fear with any bull to fight, Or with a ramping lion, nother by day nor night.

Oh, what great strength is in my body so l.u.s.ty, Which for lack of exercise is now almost rusty.

Hercules in comparison to me was but a boy, When the bandog Cerberus from h.e.l.l he bare away: When he killed the lion, hydra, and the boar[576] so wild.

Compare him to me, and he was but a child!

Why, Samson, I say, hast thou no more wit?

Wouldst thou be as strong as I? come, suck thy mother's teat!

Ween you that David, that little elfish boy, Should with his sling have take my life away?

Nay, i-wis, Goliath, for all his five stones, I would have quashed his little boyish bones.

Oh, how it would do my heart much good To see some of the giants before Noe's flood!

I would make the knaves to cry crik,[577]

Or else with my club their brains I will break But, Mulciber, yet I have not with thee do: My head is armed, my neck I would have too; And also my shoulders with some good habergin, That the devil, if he shot at me, could not enter in.

For I am determined great battle to make, Except my fumishness by some means may aslake.

MULCIBER.

Buckle on this habergin, as fast as thou can, And fear for the meeting of nother beast nor man.

If it were possible for one to shoot an oak, This habergin will defend thee from the stroke.

Let them throw milestones at thee as thick as hail, Yet thee to kill they shall [of] their purpose fail.

If Malvern Hills should on thy shoulders light, They shall not hurt them, nor suppress thy might.

If Bevis of Hampton, Colburn, and Guy, Will thee a.s.say, set not by them a fly!

To be brief, this habergin shall thee save Both by land and water; now play the l.u.s.ty knave.

[_Then he goeth into his shop again_.

THERSITES.

When I consider my shoulders, that so broad be, When the other parts of my body I do behold, I verily think that none in Christian'ty With me to meddle dare be so bold.

Now have at the lions on Cots'old![578]

I will neither spare for heat nor for cold.

Where art thou, King Arthur and the knights of the Round Table?

Come, bring forth your horses out of the stable!

Lo, with me to meet they be not able: By the ma.s.s, they had rather wear a bable.

Where art thou, Gawain the courteous and Kay the crabbed?

Here be a couple of knights cowardish and scabbed!

Appear in thy likeness, Sir Libeus Disconius,[579]

If thou wilt have my club light on thy _headibus_.

Lo, ye may see he beareth not the face With me to try a blow in this place.

How, sirrah, approach, Sir Launcelot de Lake, What, renne ye away, and for fear quake?

Now he that did thee a knight make Thought never that thou any battle shouldst take.

If thou wilt not come thyself, some other of thy fellows send: To battle I provoke them; themselves let them defend.

Lo, for all the good that ever they see, They will not once set hand to fight with me.

O good Lord, how broad is my breast And strong withal, for whole is my chest.

He that should meddle with me should have shrewd rest.

Behold you my hands, my legs, and my feet; Every part is strong, proportionable, and meet.

Think you that I am not fear'd in field and street?

Yes, yes, G.o.d wot, they give me the wall, Or else with my club I make them to fall.

Back, knaves, I say to them, then for fear they quake; And take me then to the tavern, and good cheer me make.

The proctor and his men I made to renne their ways, And some went to hide them in broken hays.[580]

I tell you at a word, I set not a t.u.r.d By none of them all: Early and late I will walk, And London streets stalk, Spite of them great and small: For I think verily, That none in heaven so high, Nor yet in h.e.l.l so low, While I have this club in my hand, Can he able me to withstand, Or me to overthrow.

But, Mulciber, yet I must thee desire To make me briggen[581] irons for mine arms, And then I will love thee as mine own sire; For without them I cannot be safe from all harms.

Those once had, I will not set a straw By all the world, for then I will by awe Have all my mind, or else, by the holy rood, I will make them think the devil carrieth them to the wood.[582]

If no man will with me battle take, A voyage to h.e.l.l quickly I will make, And there I will beat the devil and his dame, And bring the souls away: I fully intend the same.

After that in h.e.l.l I have ruffled so, Straight to old Purgatory will I go.

I will clean that, [and] so purge [it] round about, That we shall need no pardons to help them out.

If I have not fight enough this ways, I will climb to heaven and fet away Peter's keys; I will keep them myself and let in a great rout; What, should such a fisher keep good fellows out?

MULCIBER.

Have here, Thersites, briggen irons bright, And fear thou no man manly to fight; Though he be stronger than Hercules or Samson, Be thou prest and bold to set him upon.

Nother Amazon nor Xerxes with their whole rabble Thee to a.s.sail shall find it profitable.

I warrant thee they will flee from thy face, As doth an hare from the dogs in a chace.

Would not thy black and rusty grim beard, Now thou art so armed, make any man afeard?

Surely, if Jupiter did see thee in this gear, He would renne away, and hide him for fear!

He would think that Typhaeus the giant were alive, And his brother Enceladus, again with him to strive.

If that Mars, of battle the G.o.d stout and bold, In this array should chance thee to behold, He would yield up his sword unto thee, And G.o.d of battle (he would say) thou shouldst be.

Now fare thou well, go the world through, And seek adventures, thou art man good enou'.

THERSITES.

Mulciber, while the stars shall shine in the sky, And Phaeton's horses with the sun's chariot shall fly; While the morning shall go before noon, And cause the darkness to vanish away soon: While that the cat shall love well milk, And while that women shall love to go in silk: While beggars have lice, And c.o.c.kneys are nice: While pardoners can lie, Merchants can buy, And children cry: While all these last, and more, Which I keep in store, I do me faithfully bind Thy kindness to bear in mind.

But yet, Mulciber, one thing I ask more: Hast thou ever a sword now in store?

I would have such a one that would cut stones, And pare a great oak down at once.

That were a sword, lo, even for the nonce.

MULCIBER.

Truly I have such a one in my shop, That will pare iron, as it were a rope.

Have, here it is, gird it to thy side: Now fare thou well, Jupiter be thy guide!

THERSITES.

Gramercy, Mulciber, with my whole heart Give me thy hand, and let us depart.[583]

[_Mulciber goeth into his shop again, and Thersites saith forth_:

Now I go hence, and put myself in prease:[584]

I will seek adventures; yea, and that I will not cease.

If there be any present here this night, That will take upon them with me to fight, Let them come quickly, and the battle shall be pight.

Where is Cacus, that knave not worth a groat, That was wont to blow clouds out of his throat; Which stole Hercules kine, and hid them in his cave?

Come hither, Cacus, thou lubber and false knave: I will teach all wretches by thee to beware!

If thou come hither, I trap thee in a snare; Thou shalt have knocked bread and ill-fare.

How say you, good G.o.dfather, that look so stale, Ye seem a man to be born in the vale?