A Select Collection of Old English Plays Volume I Part 70

He hath played the devil at Coventry.

By his acquaintance and my behaviour, He showed to me right friendly favour, And to make my return the shorter, I said to this devil: Good master porter, For all old love, if it lie in your power, Help me to speak with my lord and your.

Be sure, quoth he, no tongue can tell, What time thou couldst have come so well: For as on[513] this day Lucifer fell, Which is our festival in h.e.l.l.

Nothing unreasonable craved this day, That shall in h.e.l.l have any nay.

But yet beware thou come not in, Till time thou may[514] thy pa.s.sport win.

Wherefore stand still, and I will wit,[515]

If I can get thy safe-conduit.

He tarried not, but shortly got it Under seal, and the Devil's hand at it, In ample wise, as ye shall hear; Thus it began: Lucifer, By the power of G.o.d, chief devil of h.e.l.l, To all the devils that there do dwell And every of them, we send greeting, Under strait charge and commanding, That they aiding and a.s.sistant be To such a Pardoner, and named me, So that he may at liberty Pa.s.s safe without any[516] jeopardy, Till that he be from us extinct, And clearly out of h.e.l.l's precinct.

And his pardon to keep in safeguard, We will they lie in the porter's ward.

Given in the furnace of our palace, In our high court of matters of malice, Such a day and year of our reign.

G.o.d save the devil, quoth I, amain.[517]

I trust this writing to be sure: Then put thy trust, quod he, in ure[518], Since thou art sure to take no harm.

This devil and I walked arm in arm So far, till he had brought me thither, Where all the devils of h.e.l.l together Stood in array in such apparel, As for that day there meetly fell.

Their horns well-gilt, their claws full clean, Their tails well-kempt, and, as I ween, With sothery[519] b.u.t.ter their bodies annointed; I never saw devils so well appointed.[520]

The master-devil sat in his jacket, And all the souls were playing at racket.

None other rackets they had in hand, Save every soul a good firebrand: Wherewith they played so prettily, That Lucifer laughed merrily; And all the residue of the fiends[521]

Did laugh thereat full well like friends.[522]

But of my friend I saw no whit, Nor durst not ask for her as yet.

Anon all this rout was brought in silence, And I by an usher brought in presence Of Lucifer; then low, as well I could,[523]

I kneeled, which he so well allowed, That thus he becked, and, by St Anthony, He smiled on me well-favouredly, Bending his brows as broad as barn-doors, Shaking his ears as rugged as burrs; Rolling his eyes as round as two bushels; Flashing the fire out of his nosthrils; Gnashing his teeth so vaingloriously, That me-thought time to fall to flattery, Wherewith I told, as I shall tell: O pleasant picture! O prince of h.e.l.l!

Feutred[524] in fashion abhominable, And since that is inestimable For me to praise thee worthily.

I leave of praise, as unworthy To give thee praise, beseeching thee To hear my suit, and then to be So good to grant the thing I crave; And, to be short, this would I have: The soul of one which hither is flitted, Delivered[525] hence, and to me remitted.

And in this doing, though all be not quit, Yet in some part I shall[526] deserve it, As thus: I am a pardoner, And over souls as controller, Thorough out the earth my power doth stand, Where many a soul lieth on my hand, That speed in matters as I use them, As I receive them or refuse them.

Whereby what time thy pleasure is, I[527] shall requite any part of this, The least devil here that can come thither, Shall choose a soul and bring him hither.

Ho,[528] ho! quoth the devil, we are well pleased; What is his name thou wouldst have eased?

Nay, quoth I, be it good or evil, My coming is for a she devil.

What callst her, quoth he, thou wh.o.r.eson?[529]

Forsooth, quoth I, Margery Corson.

Now, by our honour, said Lucifer, No devil in h.e.l.l shall withhold her; And if thou wouldest have twenty mo, Wert not for justice, they should go.

For all we[530] devils within this den Have more to do with two women, Than with all the charge we have beside; Wherefore, if thou our friend will be tried, Apply thy pardons to women so, That unto us there come no mo.

To do my best I promised by oath; Which I have kept, for, as the faith goeth, At this day[531] to heaven I do procure Ten women to one man, be sure.

Then of Lucifer my leave I took, And straight unto the master-cook I was had into the kitchen, For Margery's office was therein.

All things handled there discreetly, For every soul beareth office meetly: Which might be seen to see her sit So busily turning of the spit.

For many a spit here hath she turned, And many a good spit hath she burned: And many a spitful hot hath roasted, Before the meat could be half roasted, And ere the meat were half-roasted indeed, I took her then fro the spit with speed.

But when she saw this brought to pa.s.s, To tell the joy wherein she was!

And of all the devils, for joy how they Did roar at her delivery!

And how the chains in h.e.l.l did ring.

And how all the souls therein did sing; And how we were brought to the gate, And how we took our leave thereat, Be sure lack of time suffereth not To rehea.r.s.e the twentieth part of that, Wherefore, this tale to conclude briefly, This woman thanked me chiefly, That she was rid of this endless death, And so we departed on Newmarket-heath.

And if that any man do mind her, Who lists to seek her, there shall he find her.

PEDLAR. Sir, ye have sought her wonders[532] well, And where ye found her as ye tell, To hear the chance ye had[533] in h.e.l.l, I find ye were in great peril.[534]

PALMER. His tale is all much perilous;[535]

But part is much more marvellous: As where he said the devils complain, That women put them to such pain.

Be their conditions so crooked and crabbed, Frowardly fashioned, so wayward and wrabbed. [536]

So far in division, and stirring such strife, That all the devils be weary of their life.

This[537] in effect he told for[538] truth.

Whereby much marvel to me ensueth, That women in h.e.l.l such shrews can be, And here so gentle, as far as I see.

Yet have I seen many a mile, And many a woman in the while.

Not one good city, town, or borough In Christendom, but I have been thorough, And this I would ye should understand, I have seen women five hundred thousand: And oft with them have long time tarried.[539]

Yet in all places where I have been, Of all the women that I have seen, I never saw nor knew in my conscience Any one woman out of patience.

'POTHECARY. By the ma.s.s, there is a great lie.

PARDONER. I never heard a greater, by our Lady.

PEDLAR. A greater! nay, know ye any so great?

PALMER. Sir, whether that I lose or get, For my part judgment shall be prayed.

PARDONER. And I desire, as he hath said.

'POTHECARY. Proceed, and ye shall be obeyed.

PEDLAR. Then shall not judgment be delayed, Of all these three, if each man's tale In Paul's Churchyard were set on sale, In some man's hand that hath the sleight, He should sure sell these tales by weight; For as they weigh, so be they worth, But which weigheth best, to that now forth.

Sir, all the tale that ye did tell I bear in mind, and yours as well: And as ye saw the matter meetly, So lied ye both well and discreetly; Yet were your lies with the least, trust me; For if ye had said ye had made flee Ten tampions out of ten women's tails, Ten times ten mile to ten castles or jails, And filled ten rivers ten times so deep, As ten of that which your castle-stones did keep; Or if ye ten times had bodily Fet[540] ten souls out of purgatory; And ten times so many out of h.e.l.l: Yet, by these ten bones, I could right well, Ten times sooner all that believed, Than the tenth part of that he hath meved.

'POTHECARY. Two knaves before one lacketh two knaves of five:[541]

Then one, and then one, and both knaves alive.

Then two, and then two, and three at a cast, Thou knave, and thou knave, and thou knave at last.

Nay knave, if ye try me by number, I will as knavishly you acc.u.mber[542]

Your mind is all on your privy t.i.the, For all in ten me-thinketh your wit li'th.

Now ten times I beseech him that high sits, Thy wife's ten commandments may search thy five wits.

Then ten of my t.u.r.ds in ten of thy teeth, And ten on thy nose, which every man seeth; And twenty times ten this wish I would That thou hadst been hanged at ten year old: For thou goest about to make me a slave.

I will thou know that I am a gentle[543] knave.

And here is another shall take my part.

PARDONER. Nay, first I beshrew your knave's heart, Ere I take part in your knavery: I will speak fair, by our[544] lady.

Sir, I beseech your maship to be As good as ye can[545] be unto me.

PEDLAR. I would be glad to do you good, And him also, be he ever so wood;[546]

But doubt you not I will now do The thing my conscience leadeth me to.

Both your tales I take for impossible, Yet take I his farther incredible.

Not only the thing itself alloweth it, But also the boldness thereof avoweth it.

I know not where your tale to try; Nor yours, but in h.e.l.l or purgatory.

But his boldness hath faced a lie, That may be tried even in this company.

As if ye list to take this order, Among the women in this border, Take three of the youngest, and three of the oldest, Three of the hottest, and three of the coldest, Three of the wisest, and three of the shrewdest, Three of the chastest, and three of the lewdest,[547]

Three of the lowest, and three of the highest, Three of the farthest, and three of the nighest, Three of the fairest, and three of the maddest, Three of the foulest, and three of the saddest, And when all these threes be had asunder Of each three, two justly by number Shall be found shrews, except this fall, That ye hap to find them shrews all.

Himself for truth all this doth know, And oft hath tried some of this row; And yet he sweareth by his conscience, He never saw woman break patience.

Wherefore, considered with true intent, His lie to be so evident, And to appear so evidently, That both you affirmed it a lie; And that my conscience so deeply So deep hath sought this thing to try, And tried it with mind indifferent; Thus I award by way of judgment: Of all the lies ye all have spent, His lie to be most excellent.

PALMER. Sir, though ye were bound of equity To do as ye have done to me, Yet do I thank you of your pain, And will requite some part again.

PARDONER. Marry, sir, ye can no less do, But thank him as much as it cometh to; And so will I do for my part.

Now a vengeance on thy knave's heart, I never knew a pedlar a judge before, Nor never will trust pedling knave more.

What doest thou there, thou wh.o.r.eson noddy?

'POTHECARY. By the ma.s.s, learn to make courtesy: Courtesy before, and courtesy behind him, And then on each side, the devil blind him!

Nay, when ye[548] have it perfitly, Ye shall have the devil and all of courtesy: But it is not soon learned, gentle[549] brother, One knave to make courtesy to another.

Yet when I am angry, that is the worst, I shall call my master knave at the first.