A Select Collection of Old English Plays Volume I Part 68

Nay, nay, my friend, that will not be; I am too good to wait on thee.

PALMER. By our lady, and I would be loth To wait on the better of you both.

PEDLAR. Yet be ye sure for all this doubt, This waiting must be brought about.

Men cannot prosper, wilfufly led; All things decay,[445] where is no head.

Wherefore, doubtless, mark what I say, To one of you three twain must obey.

And since ye cannot agree in voice, Who shall be head, there is no choice But to devise some manner thing, Wherein ye all be like conning; And in the same who can do best, The other twain do make them prest, In every thing of his intent, Wholly[446] to be at commandment.

And now have I found one mastery,[447]

That ye can do indifferently; And is nother selling nor buying, But even on very lying.

And all ye three can lie as well, As can the falsest devil in h.e.l.l.

And though afore ye heard me grudge In greater matters to be your judge, Yet in lying I can some skill,[448]

And if I shall be judge, I will And be you sure, without flattery, Where my conscience findeth the mastery, There shall my judgment straight be found, Though I might win a thousand pound.

PALMER. Sir, for lying, though I can do it: Yet am I both for to go to it.

PEDLAR. Ye have no[449] cause for fear, be bold,[450]

For ye may here[451] lie uncontrolled.

And ye in this have good advantage, For lying is your common usage.

And you in lying be well sped, For all your craft doth stand in falsehood.

Ye need not care who shall begin; For each of you may hope to win.

Now speak all three even as ye find: Be ye agreed to follow my mind?

PALMER. Yea, by my troth, I am content.

PARDONER. Now, in good faith, and I a.s.sent.

'POTHECARY. If I denied, I were a noddy; For all is mine, by G.o.d's body, [_Here the 'Pothecary hoppeth_.

PALMER. Here were a hopper to hop for the ring!

But, sir,[452] this gear goeth not by hopping.

'POTHECARY. Sir, in this hopping I will hop so well, That my tongue shall hop better[453] than my heel: Upon which hopping I hope, and not doubt it, To hop[454] so, that ye shall hop[455] without it.[456]

PALMER. Sir, I will neither boast ne brawl.

But take such fortune as may fall: And if ye win this mastery, I will obey you quietly: And sure I think that quietness In any man is great riches In any manner company, To rule or be ruled[457] indifferently.

PARDONER. By that boast thou seemest a beggar indeed, What can thy quietness help us at need?

If we should starve, thou hast not, I think, One penny to buy us one pot of drink.

Nay, if riches might rule the roost, Behold what cause I have to boast!

Lo, here be[458] pardons half a dozen, For ghostly riches they have no cousin.

And moreover to me they bring Sufficient succour for my living.

And here be[459] relics of such a kind, As in this world no man can[460] find, Kneel down all three, and when ye leave kissing, Who list to offer shall have my blessing.

Friends, here shall ye see even anon Of All-Hallows the blessed jaw-bone,[461]

Kiss it hardily with good devotion.

'POTHECARY. This kiss shall bring us much promotion.

Foh, by St Saviour, I never kissed a worse; Ye were as good kiss All-Hallows' a.r.s.e; For, by All-Hallows, yet me-thinketh, That All-Hallows' breath stinketh.

PALMER. Ye judge All-Hallows' breath unknown: If any breath stink, it is your own.

'POTHECARY. I know mine own breath from All-Hallows, Or else it were time to kiss the gallows.

PARDONER. Nay, sirs, behold, here may ye see The great toe of the Trinity: Who to this toe any money voweth, And once may roll it in his mouth, All his life after, I undertake, He shall never be vexed with the toothache.[462]

'POTHECARY. I pray you turn that relic about: Either[463] the Trinity had the gout, Or else, because it is three toes in one, G.o.d made it as much[464] as three toes alone.

PARDONER. Well, let that pa.s.s, and look upon this.

Here is a relic that doth not miss To help the least as well as the most: This is a b.u.t.tock-bone of Pentecost.

'POTHECARY. By Christ, and yet for all your boast, This relic hath bes.h.i.tten the roast.

PARDONER. Mark well this relic: here is a whipper, My friends[465] unfeigned: here[466] is a slipper Of one of the Seven Sleepers, be sure.[467]

Doubtless this kiss shall do you great pleasure; For all these two days it shall so ease you, That none other savours shall displease you.

'POTHECARY. All these two days! nay, all these[468] two years; For all the savours that may come here Can be no worse; for at a word One of the seven sleepers trod in a t.u.r.d.

PEDLAR. Sir, me-thinketh your devotion is but small.

PARDONER. Small! marry me-thinketh he hath none at all.

'POTHECARY. What the devil care I what ye think?

Shall I praise relics, when they stink?

PARDONER. Here is an eye-tooth of the Great Turk.

Whose eyes be once set on this piece of work, May happily lese part of his eyesight, But not till he be blind outright.

'POTHECARY. Whatsoever any other man seeth, I have no devotion unto[469] Turks' teeth: For although I never saw a greater, Yet me-thinketh I have seen many better.

PARDONER. Here is a box full of humble bees, That stang Eve as she sat on her knees, Tasting the fruit to her forbidden.

Who kisseth the bees within this hidden, Shall have as much pardon of right, As for any relic he kissed this night.

PALMER. Sir, I will kiss them with all my heart.

'POTHECARY. Kiss them again, and take my part, For I am not worthy: nay, let be: Those bees that stung Eve shall not sting me.

PARDONER. Good friends, I have yet here[470] in this gla.s.s, Which on the drink at the wedding was Of Adam and Eve undoubtedly.

If ye honour this relic devoutly, Although ye thirst no whit the less, Yet shall ye drink the more, doubtless: After which drinking ye shall be as meet To stand on your head as on your feet.

'POTHECARY. Yea, marry, now I can[471] you thank;[472]

In presence of this--the rest be blank.

Would G.o.d this relic had come rather:[473]

Kiss that relic well, good father.

Such is the pain that ye palmers take To kiss the pardon-bowl for the drink sake.

O holy yeast, that looketh full sour and stale, For G.o.d's body, help me to a cup of ale.

The more I behold[474] thee, the more I thirst: The oftener I kiss thee, the more like to burst.

But since I kiss thee so devoutly, Hire me,[475] and help me with drink, till I die.

What, so much praying and so little speed?

PARDONER. Yea, for G.o.d knoweth when it is need To send folks drink; but, by St Anthony, I ween he hath sent you too much already.