A Select Collection of Old English Plays Part 113

JOLLY. Why so? I warrant you [I'll] thrive.

PAR. A pox take you, I'll pare your nails when I get you from this place once.

WAN. Sweetheart, sweetheart, off with your shoes.

PAR. Ay, with all my heart, there's an old shoe after you.[270]

Would I gave all in my shop the rest were furnished with wives too!

JOLLY. Parson, the sun is rising; go send in the fiddlers, and set the cook on work; let him chop soundly.

PAR. I have a t.i.the-pig at home, I'll e'en sacrifice it to the wedding.

[_Exit_ PARSON.

WAN. They will find them in good posture, they may take privy marks, if they please; for they said it was so hot they could endure no clothes, and my simplicity was so diligent to lay them naked, and with such twists and turns fastened them to the feet, I'll answer for't they find not the way into them in an hour.

_Enter_ SERVANT _and_ PARSON.

JOLLY. Why, then, they may pull up their smocks, and hide their faces.

SER. Master Jolly, there was one without would speak with you.

JOLLY. Who was it?

SER. It is the lady that talks so well.

JOLLY. They say, indeed, she has an excellent tongue; I would she had changed it for a face; 'tis she that has been handsome.

PAR. Who? not the poetess we met at Master Sad's?

JOLLY. Yes, the same.

PAR. Sure, she's mad.

JOLLY. Prythee, tell her I am gone to bed.

SER. I have done as well, sir: I told her Mistress Wanton was here; at which discreetly, being touched with the guilt of her face, she threw out a curse or two, and retreated.

WAN. Who is this you speak of? I will know who 'tis.

PAR. Why, 'tis she that married the Genoa merchant; they cozened one another.

WAN. Who? Peg Driver, bugle-eyes?

JOLLY. The same, the same.

WAN. Why, she is ugly now?

PAR. Yes; but I have known her, by this hand, as fine a wench as ever sinned in town or suburbs. When I knew her first, she was the original of all the wainscoat chambermaids with brooms and barefoot madams you see sold at Temple Bar and the Exchange.

WAN. Ah, th' art a devil! how couldst thou find in thy heart to abuse her so? Thou lov'st antiquities too: the very memory that she had been handsome should have pleaded something.

JOLLY. _Was handsome_ signifies nothing to me.

WAN. But she's a wit, and a wench of an excellent discourse.

PAR. And as good company as any's i' th' town.

JOLLY. Company! for whom? Leather-ears, his majesty of Newgate watch? There her story will do well, while they louse themselves.

PAR. Well, you are curious now, but the time was when you skipped for a kiss.

JOLLY. Prythee, parson, no more of wit and _was handsome_; but let us keep to this text--[_He kisses_ WANTON]--and with joy think upon thy little Wanton here, that's kind, soft, sweet, and sound: these are epithets for a mistress, nor is there any elegancy in a woman like it. Give me such a naked scene to study night and day: I care not for her tongue, so her face be good. A wh.o.r.e dressed in verse and set speeches tempts me no more to that sweet sin, than the statute of whipping can keep me from it. This thing we talked on, which retains nothing but the name of what she was, is not only poetical in her discourse, but her tears and her love, her health, nay, her pleasure, were all fictions, and had scarce any live flesh about her, till I administered.

PAR. Indeed, 'tis time she sat out, and gave others leave to play; for a reverend wh.o.r.e is an unseemly sight: besides it makes the sin malicious, which is but venial else.

WAN. Sure, he'll make a case of conscience on't: you should do well (sweetheart) to recommend her case to your brethren that attend the committee of affection, that they may order her to be sound and young again, for the good of the commonwealth.

ACT V., SCENE 1.

_Enter_ FIDDLERS, JOLLY, _and_ WANTON.

JOLLY. O, are you ready, are you ready?

FID. Yes, an't like your worship.

JOLLY. And did you bid the cook chop l.u.s.tily, and make a noise?

FID. Yes, sir, he's at it.

WAN. I hear the captain.

_Enter the_ CAPTAIN.

JOLLY. Have you brought clothes and ribands?

CAPT. Yes, yes, all is ready: did you hear them squeak yet?

WAN. No, by this light: I think 'tis an appointment, and we have been all abused.

CAPT. Give the fiddlers their ribands, and carry the rest in.

Mistress Wanton, you must play my lady's woman to-day, and mince it to all that come, and hold up your head finely when they kiss you: and take heed of swearing when you are angry, and pledging whole cups when they drink to you.

WAN. I'll warrant you for my part.