A Secret To Keep Part 20

"He's so weak. The doctor says it's some kind of virus and they're monitoring him for signs of pneumonia. I don't know if I can handle this." She pushed back to look in his eyes and he could feel his stomach clench at the pain and fear reflected in her gaze.

"Look, he's going to be fine. He's strong and he's a fighter. Just like his mama, you'll see." Holding on to her hands, he tried his best to convince her Brayden would be fine. "What happened?"

"He was fine this morning when I dropped him off. Around lunch, the day care called and told me he had a fever. I tried everything to bring it down, but nothing worked and then he was having trouble breathing and I brought him here." She sobbed harder and he pulled her back to him and wrapped his arms tighter around her pet.i.te frame. Her body shook against his and he wanted nothing more than to make everything better.

"Can we see him?"

Nodding her head, Sloane turned back to the double doors, linking her hand in Gates'. Walking slowly, she led him through the corridor and into Brayden's room. Gates' breath hitched in his throat seeing his son hooked to various machines. He was used to Brayden running around and getting into things. He was such a happy baby and it was hard to see him lying there so lifeless.

"Hey buddy." Reaching over he rubbed Brayden's stomach and he felt tears p.r.i.c.k his eyes when two little hazel orbs opened for a brief moment. "Daddy's here."

Sloane stood wiping her eyes and hugging her arms to her sides.

"Hey, I'm going to get out of here and give Chase an update okay?" Liyah hugged Sloane and turned to Gates. "Do you need anything?"

"No. Thanks, Liyah for being here."

"Hey, it's no problem." She gave Sloane a rea.s.suring smile before patting Gates on the back and walking out of the room.

As Liyah walked out, a nurse came in to check Brayden's vitals and update his chart. She nodded at Gates and Sloane before checking the baby's pulse, his temperature and writing the information down.

"How's he doing?" Gates hovered protectively by the crib.

"He's about the same. His test results should be back soon though and we'll know more then. There's been a little bit of a backlog with all of the patients we have in right now. Flu season has officially started and we are swamped, but we're working as quickly as we can on those test results. We started him on another medicine, which should help his breathing, and I'm sure the doctor will be in shortly." She finished checking the baby's IV and silently left.

"He looks so much smaller than he usually does." Gates watched Brayden breathe and listened to Sloane's timid voice.

"I know. This is frustrating. He can't tell us what hurts. I can't do anything to help him feel better, and we have no idea how long this will last."

"I'm sorry I bothered you, but I didn't know what else to do."

"Hey." He turned to look into her red-rimmed eyes and reached over to wipe her tears. "You weren't bothering me. I...I should've been here in the first place."

Before she could respond, Dr. Vincent came in and confirmed Brayden was suffering from a respiratory virus and they were going to keep him at least overnight to make sure it didn't develop into a more serious illness. He and Gates continued to talk about Brayden's progress while Sloane rubbed the little boy's stomach. They changed his IV and put even more fluids into him to help with bringing his fever down. After the doctor left, she and Gates continued their vigilance.

"I can't stand this." He watched her slowly sink down on the window seat before moving from Brayden's side and taking a seat beside her. He loosened his tie and unb.u.t.toned his collar. Rubbing his face, he placed his head in his hands, propping his elbows on his knees and sighed.

"This is so surreal. The last time I saw him, he was playing and giggling and happy. Now this."

"This is all my fault." She spoke so softly that Gates barely heard her. "What?"

"I...I don't know where he got this. I keep going over the day and why I didn't notice anything this morning. He was as active as he always is; at least I think he was." He sat and listened to her replay the morning over in her memory.

"You heard the doctor; he could've gotten it anywhere. Have any of the other kids been sick at his daycare?"

"Not that I know of. But, I should know this. I should know if the other kids in my child's daycare have been sick. What kind of mother am I?" She stood and crossed her arms and looked out of the window. Gates watched her as the room fell silent except for the beeping of the machines and he could see fear etched into her tear-stained face. Here he believed he was a horrible father and she was thinking she was a horrible mother.

"You're a great mother." Turning slightly to look at him, she pushed her hair behind her ear and sat down again.

"How can you say that? I kept him from you for the majority of his life to 'protect him' and now our little boy is so sick he can barely open his eyes. I didn't protect him. I put him in a daycare. Everyone knows children get sick; and other kids in daycares are usually how they get sick. I was too busy trying to prove something...and I put him in daycare."

"Stop it." Looking in her eyes, he took her hands in his. "Don't do this. You're beating yourself up and it's me you should be blaming. I left you alone to take care of Brayden. I didn't do anything to help you once I found out he was mine. You would've never had to put Brayden in daycare if I had been the kind of father he needed." Sloane had always been such a confident person and he knew that was part of the attraction he had for her, but her uneasiness and worry about their son was unnerving to him. In the short amount of time he'd found out he was a father, she had been the quintessential mother. She always seemed to know what Brayden needed. Each cry; each murmur, she knew. Now, with their son lying in a crib with all kinds of beeping machines going off, he looked in her eyes and saw a fear he'd never seen before and it scared him.

"I didn't let you." She closed her eyes and he watched her shoulders sag before her eyelashes fluttered up and she looked at him. Her gaze held so much hurt and pain that he wanted to reach out and hold her. To make it go away. "When my parents died, I felt this void. It was this awful gaping hole in the middle of my heart," she paused, rubbing her hands together. "When Avery took me in, she loved me as much as she could and made me feel like her own, but it wasn't the same." Gates reached over and took her shaky hands in his.

"I know it couldn't have been easy for you."

"It wasn't, but when I met you. Everything started to change. I felt that hole starting to fill in. You were everything to me. So, when you started to pull away and we were drifting apart, I felt like I was losing again. And then, I found out I was having that wonderful little angel," her voice softened as she pointed to Brayden lying in the crib. "And I vowed that I would never let anything or anyone hurt him. I never wanted him to feel the way I did."

"Sloane-"

"No. Gates, I'm realizing that no matter what I do, I can't control everything. And I definitely can't control when people come and go out of my life." She squeezed her eyes shut and he watched the tears stream down her face, dropping into her lap to disappear into the fabric of the skirt she wore. "And now, our little boy could be leaving, too, and there's nothing I can do about it. Gates, I'm scared. I'm so scared." She crumpled and he took her into her arms as she sobbed.

Chapter 15.

A few hours later, Gates woke with a start. He sat up and rubbed his neck trying to shake off the soreness of his awkward position in the hardback chair. Rolling his head around for a minute, he finally focused in on Sloane, who was curled up in the window seat on the other side of the crib with his suit jacket thrown over her. She had cried in his arms for what seemed like hours before finally falling asleep. Now, he sat staring at her soft skin and the slight upturn and curve of her mouth. Her hair fell softly across her cheek. He thought about how good she felt in his arms and how he wanted to be able to hold her for the rest of his life. Shaking the fuzziness from his brain, he rubbed his face with his hands before standing to stretch and walk over to check on Brayden, who was still sleeping.

"All right little man, I need you to get better. There's so much we still have to do. You, me...and mommy." He glanced over at Sloane's tranquil pet.i.te frame thinking of all of the things he wanted with her. The life he wanted, the family he wanted and how he'd been so reckless to walk away from her. He reached out and stroked the soft curls on his son's head and continued to talk to the little boy, wiping at the tears in his eyes. He could kick himself for not being there for Sloane or Brayden and he felt horrible for being absent from the little boy's life. "I haven't been there for you in the past, and I'm sorry for that. You and your mom mean so much to me. I've been too afraid of hurting the both of you, but I promise I'm going to be a better father for you. A much better one than mine was to me." He was about to say something else when Sloane stirred and her eyes popped open to look at him.

"Gates? Is he okay?"

"He's still sleeping."

He watched her stand and stretch before joining him to look in on their son. "Why didn't you wake me?" She placed her hand on Brayden's cheek to see how warm he was and pulled the blanket up over his little body.

"You needed the rest."

"Did you sleep?"

"A little." They stood in silence for a while before Sloane spoke.

"I'm sorry for this, Gates."

"Sorry, for what?" He wasn't sure why she was apologizing to him. If anything he should be apologizing to her for leaving her and Brayden.

"That I let Brayden get this sick that he needed to be here." She motioned around the room and he shook his head.

"Sloane, did you purposely put Brayden in contact with a virus? Did you leave him at the daycare when you found out he was sick? Did you not bring him to the hospital when nothing you were doing to bring his fever down would work?"

"No." Her voice was so miniscule and he looked at her; with her hand on Brayden's stomach as she watched their little boy like a hawk. He was in awe of her motherly instincts and the way she doted over the little boy.

"Then why are you apologizing to me? You're a great mother and you do so much for Brayden on a daily basis. If anything, I should be apologizing to you." Taking her hands, he turned her to look at him.

"Apologize to me?"

He nodded and was about to tell her how sorry he was for everything, but before he could continue the door opened.

"Sloane?" Avery reached out as she walked into the room.

"Auntie." Sloane dropped her hands from his and walked into her aunt's arms as she entered the room.

"Sweetheart, how're you holding up?" Avery asked.

"I'm going crazy. He's never been so sick. It's nerve wracking."

"I know honey, but he's going to be fine. Gates, it's good to see you. You doing okay?" Avery asked, giving him a hug.

"Yeah, just worried about this little guy here." Gates continued to watch his son's chest rise and fall.

"I'm guessing neither one of you has gotten an opportunity to eat anything." Avery sat and patted the seat, motioning for Sloane to sit with her. She trudged over and sat beside her aunt as Gates kept a watchful eye on Brayden. Her pinstriped black skirt and starched white shirt were wrinkled from the short nap she'd gotten earlier. "Since I'm here, maybe you two would like to go and take a shower and change clothes." Avery turned and pushed Sloane's hair back from her face.

"I can't leave him. I can't."

"Sweetie, Brayden needs you and Gates to be there for him. He also needs you to be rested so when he's recovering, you're not falling down from pure exhaustion."

"I know, but I feel so guilty already."

"Guilty? Guilty about what?"

Sloane looked at Gates' back turned to her as he stood by Brayden's crib and lowered her eyes to her lap. "Everything. Brayden is so sick and I didn't keep him from getting this sick. What if something happens and he doesn't get to spend time with Gates? I-"

"Shhhhh, honey. Brayden is going to be fine and he and Gates are going to get to spend a lifetime together, okay? You cannot control something like this. There's no way in the world you could control Brayden getting this."

"That's what Gates said."

"Well, he's right." Avery placed her arm around Sloane's shoulders and hugged her to her side. "Now, I think the both of you need to go and get some rest." Avery managed to convince Sloane to go home and at least get a shower and change clothes.

Gates placed his arm around Sloane's shoulders and she leaned into him as they walked out of the hospital. A lot had transpired in the last day and a half. He could sense she was hesitant to leave.

"Maybe we shouldn't leave him?"

"If you don't want to leave, we don't have to. But, you know your aunt will keep pushing you and will probably come and drive you to your house herself."

"I know. I feel bad leaving him."

"I do too. Look, we'll just go and change. We won't be gone long."

Nodding her head, she got in the car as he held the door for her.

After showering and changing his clothes, Gates felt better. He'd been in a suit for over 24 hours and even though he was used to being in suits most of the time, he felt ten times better in the polo shirt and jeans he brought in his overnight bag. He ran his hands through his damp hair. He'd never had much experience with a child, much less a sick one. The only kids he'd ever been around were his nieces and nephew, but with them living overseas, their interaction was limited to phone calls and video chats. Walking out of the guest room, he strode through the living room and listened to the squeak of the screen door as he stepped out onto the front porch. Reaching down, he picked up Brayden's ball and sat on the top step, watching the sun rising in the sky.

He sat there for a few minutes watching the sun peaking over the horizon. Hearing the door open behind him, he continued to stare at the ball in his hands as Sloane exited the house and took a seat on the step. She looked a little more relaxed in a pair of jeans, a knit shirt, and a gray warm up jacket. Her hair was pulled up in a loose bun of curls, revealing her slender neck. When she sat down, he smelled the faint scent of her lavender soap waft through the air.

"He loves playing with that." She motioned towards the multicolored ball Gates held in his hands.

"Really?"

"Mmm, yeah. He tries to throw it every time he picks it up."

"Sloane, I'm an idiot." Dropping his head, Gates stared at the bottom step. He hadn't meant for it to come out so abrupt, but he was having a hard time keeping his emotions bottled up and before he knew it, his heart leapt out of his chest onto his sleeve.

"Gates-"

"Please, let me say this." He put the ball down and turned towards her. "I'm sorry for putting everything before you. For not being there for you while you carried our son. I'm sorry for running away from you both when all you wanted was for me to get to know him and spend time with him."

"Gates, it's okay."

"No it's not. I put so many other things in front of you and I shouldn't have. You're the mother of my son and I couldn't be bothered to be there for either of you. I gave you money; like that was going to make up for everything, and it can't." He stood from his place on the step and walked a few feet away.

"Gates, first of all, you didn't know about Brayden. What matters is that you're here now." He turned to see her standing near the steps.

"Is that enough? Honestly, is that what you want? Me coming to visit on the weekends; or when he's sick? Spend a little time with Brayden and then fly back to New York while you do the hard part and raise him? Is that what you want, because it sure as h.e.l.l isn't good enough."

"Gates-"

"No, Sloane. That's why I left the morning after Brayden's party. I let my emotions take over and I didn't think about what was best for you and him. I only wanted you. I wanted what I wanted and that's all I was thinking about. I wanted you more than I think I ever have. Even though I know you're the best thing that's ever happened to me; I know I'm not the best for you." He felt like his chest would explode with the amount of frustration bottled inside of him. The scent of her lavender soap mixed with her shampoo reached out and touched every sensory nerve in his body. She was intoxicating and in that single step towards him, she had no idea how much power she had over him.

"How can you say that?"

"Sloane. I've done nothing but hurt you. And I'm nowhere close to being a great dad. Truly, what kind of father can I honestly be to Brayden? Coming and going in and out of his life; that's not being a dad. And how fair is it to sleep with you and then hop on a plane and leave again? I couldn't do that to either of you, so I thought if I distanced myself, then you could move on with your life. You could find someone else to give you and Brayden the life you deserve."

"Gates, Brayden does deserve to have a father in his life. I won't deny that." He looked down at her coming to stand in front of him and he felt her soft hands slip into his own. "But if anything, he deserves to have you, his father, in his life in whatever way he can. I'm not going to replace you in his life because you can't be replaced."

"I don't know how to be a father. Don't you get it? My father was never there for me. He practically sent me away once I was able to form my own ideas. And once I was old enough, he used me for his purposes. h.e.l.l, he never even really wanted me. I don't want to hurt Brayden like that. I don't want to keep hurting you."

"You won't." Sloane placed her hands on his forearms and looked into his eyes trying to rea.s.sure him. "I know you won't hurt your son. You're not like that."

"Even you said I turned into my father. How can you have so much faith in me now?"

"Because, that's not who you truly are. I know that now more than ever. You are not Victor. Yes, a lot of things have changed between us, but I know you have a good heart." She paused and placed her hand on his chest. "I know that about you. And I know I don't want Brayden to have anyone else but you for his father."

"Are you sure about this? What kind of life could this be for him? For you?" He stared into her eyes and waited. He wanted to be there for both of them and give them the life they deserved. It was the only thing he wanted and he wasn't sure how he could give it to them, but he wanted to try.

"It'll be our life. We'll work this out. He needs both of us. And regardless of what you say, he's already attached to you and doesn't want anyone but you for his dad." She smiled, curling her tiny hands into his, giving him a rea.s.suring grin. "I know we can figure this out."

Pulling her hand to his mouth, he kissed it before pulling her into his embrace. For the first time in a long time, he finally felt like he was exactly where he needed to be. He breathed softly in her hair and then they walked hand in hand to the car to drive back to the hospital.