A Moveable Feast Part 1

A Moveable Feast.

Ernest Hemingway.

If you are lucky enough to have lived in Paris as a young man, then wherever you go for the rest of your life, it stays with you, for Paris is a moveable feast.

-Ernest Hemingway To a friend, 1950 1950

Preface.

For reasons sufficient to the writer, many places, people, observations and impressions have been left out of this book. Some were secrets and some were known by everyone and everyone has written about them and will doubtless write more.

There is no mention of the Stade Anastasie where the boxers served as waiters at the tables set out under the trees and the ring was in the garden. Nor of training with Larry Gains, nor the great twenty-round fights at the cirque d'hiver. Nor of such good friends as Charlie Sweeny, Bill Bird and Mike Strater, nor of Andre Ma.s.son and Miro.

There is no mention of our voyages to the black forest or of our one-day explorations of the forests that we loved around Paris. It would be fine if all these were in this book but we will have to do without them for now.

If the reader prefers, this book may be regarded as fiction. But there is always the chance that such a book of fiction may throw some light on what has been written as fact.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY.

San Francisco de Paula, Cuba 1960

1

A Good Cafe on the Place St.-Michel.

Then there was the bad weather. It would come in one day when the fall was over. We would have to shut the windows in the night against the rain and the cold wind would strip the leaves from the trees in the Place Contrescarpe. The leaves lay sodden in the rain and the wind drove the rain against the big green autobus at the terminal and the cafe des amateurs was crowded and the windows misted over from the heat and the smoke inside. It was a sad, evilly run cafe where the drunkards of the quarter crowded together and i kept away from it because of the smell of dirty bodies and the sour smell of drunkenness. the men and women who frequented the amateurs stayed drunk all of the time, or all of the time they could afford it, mostly on wine which they bought by the half-litre or litre. Many strangely named aperitifs were advertised, but few people could afford them except as a foundation to build their wine drunks on. The women drunkards were called poivrottes, poivrottes, which meant female rummies. which meant female rummies.

The cafe des amateurs was the cesspool of the rue mouffetard, that wonderful narrow crowded market street which led into the place contrescarpe. The squat toilets of the old apartment houses, one by the side of the stairs on each floor with the two cleated cement shoe-shaped elevations on each side of the aperture so a locataire locataire would not slip, emptied into cesspools which were emptied by pumping into horse-drawn tank wagons at night. in the summer time, with all windows open, we would hear the pumping and the odour was very strong. the tank wagons were painted brown and saffron colour and in the moonlight when they worked the rue cardinal lemoine their wheeled, horse-drawn cylinders looked like braque paintings. no one emptied the cafe des amateurs though, and its yellowed poster stating the terms and penalties of the law against public drunkenness was as flyblown and disregarded as its clients were constant and ill-smelling. would not slip, emptied into cesspools which were emptied by pumping into horse-drawn tank wagons at night. in the summer time, with all windows open, we would hear the pumping and the odour was very strong. the tank wagons were painted brown and saffron colour and in the moonlight when they worked the rue cardinal lemoine their wheeled, horse-drawn cylinders looked like braque paintings. no one emptied the cafe des amateurs though, and its yellowed poster stating the terms and penalties of the law against public drunkenness was as flyblown and disregarded as its clients were constant and ill-smelling.

All of the sadness of the city came suddenly with the first cold rains of winter, and there were no more tops to the high white houses as you walked but only the wet blackness of the street and the closed doors of the small shops, the herb sellers, the stationery and the newspaper shops, the midwife - second cla.s.s - and the hotel where verlaine had died, where i had a room on the top floor where i worked.

It was either six or eight flights up to the top floor and it was very cold and i knew how much it would cost for a bundle of small twigs, three wire-wrapped packets of short, half-pencil length pieces of split pine to catch fire from the twigs, and then the bundle of half-dried lengths of hard wood that i must buy to make a fire that would warm the room. so i went to the far side of the street to look up at the roof in the rain and see if any chimneys were going, and how the smoke blew. there was no smoke and i thought about how the chimney would be cold and might not draw and of the room possibly filling with smoke, and the fuel wasted, and the money gone with it, and i walked on in the rain. i walked down past the lycee henri quatre and the ancient church of st-etienne-du-mont and the windswept place du pantheon and cut in for shelter to the right and finally came out on the lee side of the boulevard st-michel and worked on down it past the cluny and the boulevard st-germain until i came to a good cafe that i knew on the place st-michel.

It was a pleasant cafe, warm and clean and friendly, and i hung up my old waterproof on the coat rack to dry and put my worn and weathered felt hat on the rack above the bench and ordered a cafe au lait. cafe au lait. the waiter brought it and i took out a notebook from the pocket of the coat and a pencil and started to write. i was writing about up in michigan and since it was a wild, cold, blowing day it was that sort of day in the story. i had already seen the end of fall come through boyhood, youth and young manhood, and in one place you could write about it better than in another. that was called transplanting yourself, i thought, and it could be as necessary with people as with other sorts of growing things. but in the story the boys were drinking and this made me thirsty and i ordered a rum st james. this tasted wonderful on the cold day and i kept on writing, feeling very well and feeling the good martinique rum warm me all through my body and my spirit. the waiter brought it and i took out a notebook from the pocket of the coat and a pencil and started to write. i was writing about up in michigan and since it was a wild, cold, blowing day it was that sort of day in the story. i had already seen the end of fall come through boyhood, youth and young manhood, and in one place you could write about it better than in another. that was called transplanting yourself, i thought, and it could be as necessary with people as with other sorts of growing things. but in the story the boys were drinking and this made me thirsty and i ordered a rum st james. this tasted wonderful on the cold day and i kept on writing, feeling very well and feeling the good martinique rum warm me all through my body and my spirit.

A girl came in the cafe and sat by herself at a table near the window. she was very pretty with a face fresh as a newly minted coin if they minted coins in smooth flesh with rain-freshened skin, and her hair was black as a crow's wing and cut sharply and diagonally across her cheek.

I looked at her and she disturbed me and made me very excited. i wished i could put her in the story, or anywhere, but she had placed herself so she could watch the street and the entry and i knew she was waiting for someone. so i went on writing.

The story was writing itself and i was having a hard time keeping up with it. i ordered another rum st james and i watched the girl whenever i looked up, or when i sharpened the pencil with a pencil sharpener with the shavings curling into the saucer under my drink.

I've seen you, beauty, and you belong to me now, whoever you are waiting for and if i never see you again, i thought. you belong to me and all paris belongs to me and i belong to this notebook and this pencil.

Then i went back to writing and i entered far into the story and was lost in it. i was writing it now and it was not writing itself and i did not look up nor know anything about the time nor think where i was nor order any more rum st james. i was tired of rum st james without thinking about it. then the story was finished and i was very tired. i read the last paragraph and then i looked up and looked for the girl and she had gone. i hope she's gone with a good man, i thought. but i felt sad.

I closed up the story in the notebook and put it in my inside pocket and i asked the waiter for a dozen portugaises portugaises and a half-carafe of the dry white wine they had there. and a half-carafe of the dry white wine they had there.

After writing a story i was always empty and both sad and happy, as though i had made love, and i was sure this was a very good story although i would not know truly how good until i read it over the next day.

As i ate the oysters with their strong taste of the sea and their faint metallic taste that the cold white wine washed away, leaving only the sea taste and the succulent texture, and as i drank their cold liquid from each sh.e.l.l and washed it down with the crisp taste of the wine, i lost the empty feeling and began to be happy and to make plans.

Now that the bad weather had come, we could leave paris for a while for a place where this rain would be snow coming down through the pines and covering the road and the high hillsides and at an alt.i.tude where we would hear it creak as we walked home at night. below les avants there was a chalet where the pension was wonderful and where we would be together and have our books and at night be warm in bed together with the windows open and the stars bright. that was where we could go.

Travelling third cla.s.s on the train was not expensive. the pension cost very little more than we spent in paris.

I would give up the room in the hotel where i wrote and there was only the rent of 74 rue cardinal lemoine which was nominal. i had written journalism for toronto and the cheques for that were due. i could write that anywhere under any circ.u.mstances and we had money to make the trip.

Maybe away from paris i could write about paris as in paris i could write about michigan. i did not know it was too early for that because i did not know paris well enough. but that was how it worked out eventually. anyway we would go if my wife wanted to, and i finished the oysters and the wine and paid my score in the cafe and made it the shortest way back up the montagne ste-genevieve through the rain, that was now only local weather and not something that changed your life, to the flat at the top of the hill.

'I think it would be wonderful, tatie,' my wife said. she had a gently modelled face and her eyes and her smile lighted up at decisions as though they were rich presents.

'When should we leave?'

'Whenever you want.'

'Oh, i want to right away. didn't you know?'

'Maybe it will be fine and clear when we come back. it can be very fine when it is clear and cold.'

'I'm sure it will be,' she said. 'weren't you good to think of going, too.'

2

Miss Stein Instructs

When we came back to paris it was clear and cold and lovely. the city had accommodated itself to winter, there was good wood for sale at the wood and coal place across our street, and there were braziers outside of many of the good cafes so that you could keep warm on the terraces. our own apartment was warm and cheerful.

We burned boulets boulets which were moulded, egg-shaped lumps of coal dust, on the wood fire, and on the streets the winter light was beautiful. now you were accustomed to see the bare trees against the sky and you walked on the fresh-washed gravel paths through the luxembourg gardens in the clear sharp wind. the trees were sculpture without their leaves when you were reconciled to them, and the winter winds blew across the surfaces of the ponds and the fountains blew in the bright light. all the distances were short now since we had been in the mountains. which were moulded, egg-shaped lumps of coal dust, on the wood fire, and on the streets the winter light was beautiful. now you were accustomed to see the bare trees against the sky and you walked on the fresh-washed gravel paths through the luxembourg gardens in the clear sharp wind. the trees were sculpture without their leaves when you were reconciled to them, and the winter winds blew across the surfaces of the ponds and the fountains blew in the bright light. all the distances were short now since we had been in the mountains.

Because of the change in alt.i.tude i did not notice the grade of the hills except with pleasure, and the climb up to the top floor of the hotel where i worked, in a room that looked across all the roofs and the chimneys of the high hill of the quarter, was a pleasure. the fireplace drew well in the room and it was warm and pleasant to work. i brought mandarines and roasted chestnuts to the room in paper packets and peeled and ate the small tangerine-like oranges and threw their skins and spat their seeds in the fire when i ate them and the roasted chestnuts when i was hungry. i was always hungry with the walking and the cold and the working. up in the room i had a bottle of kirsch that we had brought back from the mountains and i took a drink of kirsch when i would get towards the end of a story or towards the end of the day's work. when i was through working for the day i put away the notebook, or the paper, in the drawer of the table and put any mandarines that were left in my pocket. they would freeze if they were left in the room at night.

It was wonderful to walk down the long flights of stairs knowing that i'd had good luck working. i always worked until i had something done and i always stopped when i knew what was going to happen next. that way i could be sure of going on the next day. but sometimes when i was starting a new story and i could not get it going, i would sit in front of the fire and squeeze the peel of the little oranges into the edge of the flame and watch the sputter of blue that they made. i would stand and look out over the roofs of paris and think, 'do not worry. you have always written before and you will write now. all you have to do is write one true sentence. write the truest sentence that you know.' so finally i would write one true sentence, and then go on from there. it was easy then because there was always one true sentence that i knew or had seen or had heard someone say. if i started to write elaborately, or like someone introducing or presenting something, i found that i could cut that scrollwork or ornament out and throw it away and start with the first true simple declarative sentence i had written. up in that room i decided that i would write one story about each thing that i knew about. i was trying to do this all the time i was writing, and it was good and severe discipline.

it was in that room too that i learned not to think about anything that i was writing from the time i stopped writing until i started again the next day. that way my subconscious would be working on it and at the same time i would be listening to other people and noticing everything, i hoped; learning, i hoped; and i would read so that i would not think about my work and make myself impotent to do it. going down the stairs when i had worked well, and that needed luck as well as discipline, was a wonderful feeling and i was free then to walk anywhere in paris.

if i walked down by different streets to the jardin du luxembourg in the afternoon i could walk through the gardens and then go to the musee du luxembourg where the great paintings were that have now mostly been transferred to the louvre and the jeu de paume. i went there nearly every day for the cezannes and to see the manets and the monets and the other impressionists that i had first come to know about in the art inst.i.tute at chicago. i was learning something from the painting of cezanne that made writing simple true sentences far from enough to make the stories have the dimensions that i was trying to put in them. i was learning very much from him but i was not articulate enough to explain it to anyone. besides, it was a secret. but if the light was gone in the luxembourg i would walk up through the gardens and stop in at the studio apartment where gertrude stein lived at 27 rue de fleurus.

my wife and i had called on miss stein, and she and the friend who lived with her had been very cordial and friendly and we had loved the big studio with the great paintings. it was like one of the best rooms in the finest museum except there was a big fireplace and it was warm and comfortable and they gave you good things to eat and tea and natural distilled liqueurs made from purple plums, yellow plums or wild raspberries. these were fragrant, colourless alcohols served from cut-gla.s.s carafes in small gla.s.ses and whether they were quetsche, mirabelle quetsche, mirabelle or or framboise framboise they all tasted like the fruits they came from, converted into a controlled fire on your tongue that warmed you and loosened it. they all tasted like the fruits they came from, converted into a controlled fire on your tongue that warmed you and loosened it.

Miss Stein was very big but not tall and was heavily built like a peasant woman.

She had beautiful eyes and a strong German-Jewish face that also could have been friulano and she reminded me of a northern Italian peasant woman with her clothes, her mobile face and her lovely, thick, alive immigrant hair which she wore put up in the same way she had probably worn it in college. she talked all the time and at first it was about people and places.

Her companion had a very pleasant voice, was small, very dark, with her hair cut like joan of arc in the boutet de monvel ill.u.s.trations and had a very hooked nose. She was working on a piece of needlepoint when we first met them and she worked on this and saw to the food and drink and talked to my wife. She made one conversation and listened to two and often interrupted the one she was not making. Afterwards she explained to me that she always talked to the wives. the wives, my wife and i felt, were tolerated. but we liked miss stein and her friend, although the friend was frightening.

the paintings and the cakes and the eau-de-vie eau-de-vie were truly wonderful. they seemed to like us too and treated us as though we were very good, well-mannered and promising children and i felt that they forgave us for being in love and being married - time would fix that - and when my wife invited them to tea, they accepted. were truly wonderful. they seemed to like us too and treated us as though we were very good, well-mannered and promising children and i felt that they forgave us for being in love and being married - time would fix that - and when my wife invited them to tea, they accepted.

when they came to our flat they seemed to like us even more; but perhaps that was because the place was so small and we were much closer together. miss stein sat on the bed that was on the floor and asked to see the stories i had written and she said that she liked them except one called up in michigan. up in michigan.

'it's good,' she said. 'that's not the question at all. but it is inaccrochable. inaccrochable. that means it is like a picture that a painter paints and then he cannot hang it when he has a show and n.o.body will buy it because they cannot hang it either.' that means it is like a picture that a painter paints and then he cannot hang it when he has a show and n.o.body will buy it because they cannot hang it either.'

'but what if it is not dirty but it is only that you are trying to use words that people would actually use? that are the only words that can make the story come true and that you must use them? you have to use them.'

'but you don't get the point at all,' she said. 'you mustn't write anything that is inaccrochable. inaccrochable. there is no point in it. it's wrong and it's silly.' there is no point in it. it's wrong and it's silly.'

she herself wanted to be published in the atlantic monthly, atlantic monthly, she told me, and she would be. she told me that i was not a good enough writer to be published there or in the she told me, and she would be. she told me that i was not a good enough writer to be published there or in the sat.u.r.day evening post sat.u.r.day evening post but that i might be some new sort of writer in my own way, but the first thing to remember was not to write stories that were but that i might be some new sort of writer in my own way, but the first thing to remember was not to write stories that were inaccrochable. inaccrochable. i did not argue about this nor try to explain again what i was trying to do about conversation. that was my own business and it was much more interesting to listen. i did not argue about this nor try to explain again what i was trying to do about conversation. that was my own business and it was much more interesting to listen.

that afternoon she told us, too, how to buy pictures.

'you can either buy clothes or buy pictures,' she said. 'it's that simple. no one who is not very rich can do both. pay no attention to your clothes and no attention at all to the mode, and buy your clothes for comfort and durability, and you will have the clothes money to buy pictures.'

'but even if i never bought any more clothing ever,' i said, 'i wouldn't have enough money to buy the pica.s.sos that i want.'

'No. he's out of your range. you have to buy the people of your own age - of your own military service group. you'll know them. you'll meet them around the quarter.

There are always good new serious painters. but it's not you buying clothes so much.

It's your wife always. it's women's clothes that are expensive.'

I saw my wife trying not to look at the strange, steerage clothes that miss stein wore and she was successful. when they left we were still popular, i thought, and we were asked to come again to 27 rue de fleurus.

It was later on that i was asked to come to the studio any time after five in the winter time. i had met miss stein in the luxembourg. i cannot remember whether she was walking her dog or not, nor whether she had a dog then. i know that i was walking myself, since we could not afford a dog nor even a cat then, and the only cats i knew were in the cafes or small restaurants or the great cats that i admired in concierges'

Windows. later i often met miss stein with her dog in the luxembourg gardens; but i think this time was before she had one.

But i accepted her invitation, dog or no dog, and had taken to stopping in at the studio, and she always gave me the natural eau-de-vie, eau-de-vie, insisting on my refilling my gla.s.s, and i looked at the pictures and we talked. the pictures were exciting and the talk was very good. she talked, mostly, and she told me about modern pictures and about painters - more about them as people than as painters - and she talked about her work. she showed me the many volumes of ma.n.u.script (chat she had written and that her companion typed each day. writing every day made her happy, but as i got to know her better i found that for her to keep happy it was necessary that this steady daily output, which varied with her energy, be published and that she receive recognition. insisting on my refilling my gla.s.s, and i looked at the pictures and we talked. the pictures were exciting and the talk was very good. she talked, mostly, and she told me about modern pictures and about painters - more about them as people than as painters - and she talked about her work. she showed me the many volumes of ma.n.u.script (chat she had written and that her companion typed each day. writing every day made her happy, but as i got to know her better i found that for her to keep happy it was necessary that this steady daily output, which varied with her energy, be published and that she receive recognition.

This had not become an acute situation when i first knew her, since she had published three stories that were intelligible to anyone. one of these stories, melanctha, melanctha, was very good, and good samples of her experimental writing had been published in book form and had been well praised by critics who had met her or known her. she had such a personality that when she wished to win anyone over to her side she would not be resisted, and critics who met her and saw her pictures took on trust writing of hers that they could not understand because of their enthusiasm for her as a person, and because of their confidence in her judgment. she had also discovered many truths about rhythms and the uses of words in repet.i.tion that were valid and valuable and she talked well about them. was very good, and good samples of her experimental writing had been published in book form and had been well praised by critics who had met her or known her. she had such a personality that when she wished to win anyone over to her side she would not be resisted, and critics who met her and saw her pictures took on trust writing of hers that they could not understand because of their enthusiasm for her as a person, and because of their confidence in her judgment. she had also discovered many truths about rhythms and the uses of words in repet.i.tion that were valid and valuable and she talked well about them.

but she disliked the drudgery of revision and the obligation to make her writing intelligible, although she needed to have publication and official acceptance, especially for the unbelievably long book called the making of americans. the making of americans.

this book began magnificently, went on very well for a long way with great stretches of great brilliance and then went on endlessly in repet.i.tions that a more conscientious and less lazy writer would have put in the waste basket. i came to know it very well as i got - forced, perhaps, would be the word -ford madox ford to publish it in the transatlantic review the transatlantic review serially, knowing that it would outrun the life of the review. serially, knowing that it would outrun the life of the review.

for publication in the review i had to read all of miss stein's proof for her as this was a work which gave her no happiness.

on this cold afternoon when i had come past the concierge's lodge and the cold courtyard to the warmth of the studio, all that was years ahead. on this day miss stein was instructing me about s.e.x. by that time we liked each other very much and i had already learned that everything i did not understand probably had something to it.

miss stein thought that i was too uneducated about s.e.x and i must admit that i had certain prejudices against h.o.m.os.e.xuality since i knew its more primitive aspects. i knew it was why you carried a knife and would use it when you were in the company of tramps when you were a boy in the days when wolves was not a slang term for men obsessed by the pursuit of women. i knew many inaccrochable inaccrochable terms and phrases from kansas city days and the mores of different parts of that city, chicago and the lake boats. under questioning i tried to tell miss stein that when you were a boy and moved in the company of men, you had to be prepared to kill a man, know how to do it and really know that you would do it in order not to be interfered with. that term was terms and phrases from kansas city days and the mores of different parts of that city, chicago and the lake boats. under questioning i tried to tell miss stein that when you were a boy and moved in the company of men, you had to be prepared to kill a man, know how to do it and really know that you would do it in order not to be interfered with. that term was accrochable. accrochable. if you knew you would kill, other people sensed it very quickly and you were let alone; but there were certain situations you could not allow yourself to be forced into or trapped into. i could have expressed myself more vividly by using an if you knew you would kill, other people sensed it very quickly and you were let alone; but there were certain situations you could not allow yourself to be forced into or trapped into. i could have expressed myself more vividly by using an inaccrochable inaccrochable phrase that wolves used on the lake boats, 'oh gash may be fine but one eye for mine.' but i was always careful of my language with miss stein even when true phrases might have clarified or better expressed a prejudice. phrase that wolves used on the lake boats, 'oh gash may be fine but one eye for mine.' but i was always careful of my language with miss stein even when true phrases might have clarified or better expressed a prejudice.

'Yes, yes, Hemingway,' she said. 'but you were living in a milieu of criminals and perverts.'

I did not want to argue that, although i thought that i had lived in a world as it was and there were all kinds of people in it and i tried to understand them, although some of them i could not like and some i still hated.

'But what about the old man with beautiful manners and a great name who came to the hospital in italy and brought me a bottle of marsala or campari and behaved perfectly, and then one day i would have to tell the nurse never to let that man into the room again?' i asked.

'Those people are sick and cannot help themselves and you should pity them.'

'Should i pity so and so?' i asked. i gave his name but he delights so in giving it himself that i feel there is no need to give it for him.

'No. he's vicious. he's a corrupter and he's truly vicious.' 'but he's supposed to be a good writer.' 'he's not,' she said. 'he's just a showman and he corrupts for the pleasure of corruption and he leads people into other vicious practices as well. drugs, for example.'

'and in milan the man i'm to pity was not trying to corrupt me?'

'don't be silly. how could he hope to corrupt you? do you corrupt a boy like you, who drinks alcohol, with a bottle of marsala? no, he was a pitiful old man who could not help what he was doing. he was sick and he could not help it and you should pity him.'

'i did at the time,' i said. 'but i was disappointed because he had such beautiful manners.'

i took another sip of the eau-de-vie eau-de-vie and pitied the old man and looked at pica.s.so's nude of the girl with the basket of flowers. i had not started the conversation and thought it had become a little dangerous. there were almost never any pauses in a conversation with miss stein, but we had paused and there was something she wanted to tell me and i filled my gla.s.s. and pitied the old man and looked at pica.s.so's nude of the girl with the basket of flowers. i had not started the conversation and thought it had become a little dangerous. there were almost never any pauses in a conversation with miss stein, but we had paused and there was something she wanted to tell me and i filled my gla.s.s.

'you know nothing about any of this really, hemingway,' she said. 'you've met known criminals and sick people and vicious people. the main thing is that the act male h.o.m.os.e.xuals commit is ugly and repugnant and afterwards they are disgusted with themselves. they drink and take drugs, to palliate this, but they are disgusted with the act and they are always changing partners and cannot be really happy.'

'i see.'

'in women it is the opposite. they do nothing that they are disgusted by and nothing that is repulsive and afterwards they are happy and they can lead happy lives together.'

'i see,' i said. 'but what about so and so?'

'she's vicious,' miss stein said. 'she's truly vicious, so she can never be happy except with new people. she corrupts people.'

'I understand.'

'You're sure you understand?'

There were so many things to understand in those days and i was glad when we talked about something else. the park was closed so i had to walk down along it to the rue de vaugirard and around the lower end of the park. it was sad when the park was closed and locked and i was sad walking around it instead of through it and in a hurry to get home to the rue cardinal lemoine. the day had started out so brightly too. i would have to work hard tomorrow. work could cure almost anything, i believed then, and i believe now. then all i had to be cured of, i decided miss stein felt, was youth and loving my wife. i was not at all sad when i got home to the rue cardinal lemoine and told my newly acquired knowledge to my wife. in the night we were happy with our own knowledge we already had and other new knowledge we had acquired in the mountains.

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